Muslim husband cheated while engaged

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L

llama

New Member
Hi

I married my moroccan husband last month, and sadly found out a few weeks ago that he cheated on me while we were engaged.

This has been a really hard time for me. I myself am not very religious although my family is muslim. He sees himself as a muslim and believes in its teachings and normally does his prayers and is generous to the poor etc, although he drinks and has had sex before marriage with other girls - he feels that the things he does wrong are between himself and Allah... i don't fully understand but I just accept that he knows he has done wrong.

I feel particularly hurt as he is the one who brought up marriage and encouraged it, he said that he wanted our relationship to be halal (as we had also been sleeping together before marriage). I was reluctant to marry quickly, but accepted that religion is important to him and this is largely what influenced me to agree after knowing him for just 6 months.

We met in morocco last may (I am british) I visited him a few times then went back to live with him for 3 months, and were engaged by November last year. I came back to the UK and continued to visit him every few months, and we were married in november this year.

I found out just after our honeymoon that he slept with someone in morocco in january. she was a tourist and they had sex three times, he had also been drinking. I found emails and he denied it. i contacted her and she sent me proof and he continued to deny it. he eventually admitted it but said it was before we met, then before we were engaged, and finally yes while we were engaged.

i feel so angry with him, especially because now we are already married and i didn't know this before. i know that him sleeping with me before marriage is already wrong in islam, i just feel like him then sleeping with someone else when he is already engaged... i just hate him for it! especially after using islam as a reason for us to marry!!!

he tells me that he visited an imam after he cheated on me and explained - and the imam said that sex before marriage is always haram, with me or with this other girl. but that now to look forward, the most important thing is that he takes care of me and makes me happy from when we are married and as his wife. it's almost like saying everything was wrong before marriage, just be right from now on!

i'm not sure if he really visited an imam, i don't mean to doubt him but he has lied so much already.

He is from morocco and an arabic and muslim background. I am british and am not so familiar with islamic beliefs. can i really believe that somewhere in him he believes that after marriage he will never do me wrong? He has already done so many things against islamic teachings - but i know in his heart he does believe in islam.

i was just wondering as i wasn't sure what to make of this 'advice' he says he received from the imam, or if i should even give him any credibility as a good muslim because all i see now is a big hypocrite.

sorry for my woeful tale of bad things, i still look forward to hearing responses from an islamic point of view.

thanks
 
Al-Kashmiri

Al-Kashmiri

Well-Known Member
Staff member
Llama,

Looking from an Islamic perspective, then the following is what I have to say. Firstly, his actions constitute to Zinaa (fornication), one of the major sins in Islam, and if he had cheated on you whilst actually being married to you, the consequences of his actions in a an Islamic/Shari`ah governance would have been ever-so severe, so his actions are in no-way acceptable, whatever excuses he has to offer. Having said this, and it may be hard, but should you be prepared to stay with someone who has fornicated with another woman, at least thrice, prior to doing the same with you? Not only this, but he has lied about it.

Of course, if you knew of his past before you married, the situation would've been far different. I understand your anger, but I've noticed that this is growing to be a common problem nowadays. Someone from the West goes to a tourist destination, be it a Muslim land or not. They meet someone, end up marrying them and get cheated on, find out they were being cheated on in the past, or they're used for money, or used for both money and sex. Best thing I can say, is that in future you warn others who seem to falling into the same trap... So they don't end up hurt like you.
 
slaveofAllah88

slaveofAllah88

Slave of Allah (swt)
aslam o alikum sister, to tell u the turth what he did is really hurtful, but You know him better than all of us here ... look into his heart and your heart and think about if he is lying or not ... well if he is keeping you happy than maybe he has changed ... a man can make mistake but humans make mistake and if they repent maybe he should be forgiven but its important than he ask for forgiveness from Allah (swt) first and if he feels ashamed of wat he did and changes himself than he should be given a chance.
 
M

Marwa17

Junior Member
if this was me,
I would leave.

that's all there is to it in my mind.

If he lied now, what's keeping him from lying in the future?

and a lot of people are fake and say they believe or fear Allah, but it could all be a show for you.
I don't know him...but it's been known to happen.

But this is how I would feel if i was in your situation.

Pray istiskhara and ask Allah (SWT) to guide your decision inshallah.

A similar situation happened to someone I know, so I can somehow see the pain you are going through right now.
 
shaheeda35

shaheeda35

strive4Jannah
:salam2:
If he did this before you were married, what would he do after you are married?? Something to think about.Alhamdullilah he does his prayers and gives to the poor, but he drinks and commits zinaa....it does not make sense! These are two major sins in Islam.

Sleeping with him before marriage is definitely a big NO....You are doing the haraam:astag:!

Please reconsider this marriage and pray Istikkhara(seeking counsel). Allah will give you an answer if he is right for you. Allah knows best.
 
palestine

palestine

Servant of Allah
Asalamu alaykum wrwb. Sister whether you're british or not, so long as your muslim you should be able to distinguish right from wrong. As you said so yourself this man cheated on you. and you've filled yourself with sorrow and sadness but sister have you thought for a moment that maybe this is a punishment from Allah for the previous sins you've committed. You said you come from a muslim family, mashaAllah. however did you know that what you were doing was haram? i hope i'm not sounding rude but sister you really need to wake up. Firstly this man you're with isn't worth your time or effort. Three times of having sex with another woman is enough to know that he's lied enough, and it's time to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You've brought this upon yourself dear sister. I'm not trying to blame you but i also want you to realize that you've transgressed the limits. You've committed Zina (fornification). and as they say, what goes around comes around. Remember that whatever actions you make, whatever deeds you do they will either benefit you or harm you in the future. When you committ a sin and you do not repent to Allah, then sister his wrath will befall on you. Allah swt gives us a chance to repent and if we do not take advantage of it and realize our mistakes he will most definitely be displeased with us. So what i would advice you to do is purify yourself from this marriage of lies. Return to the deen and become a practicing muslim woman. Increase your knowledge in islam and ask for forgiveness from Allah swt for your previous sins. Allah is forgiving and merciful. and make sure to NEVER repeat those same mistakes. As for this man, he doesn't love you. a man who truly loves you is one who loves Allah and truly fears the afterlife. But a man who continiously indulges in sins isn't a man. More so like an animal to me. Your husband is drinking and having sex with other women and then using Islam as an execuse...he's not a real man. he's made you and other women his slaves. so break loose from this uncivilized marriage and this unjust man and file a divorce. Islam preserved your rights and there are many other men who follow islam truly that would preserve your rights as well. So let go of this man and end it once and for all. and i know some people will say that i'm being the shaytan here and separating two loved ones but does he really love you is the question. If so, to what extent? Does he even fulfill your rights? and have you asked yourself about the afterlife? about what true love may be? about what is right and what is wrong? Sister i'm only writing all of this because your MY SISTER and it hurts to know that you're being toyed with by one simple human being. please watch the following videos with a sincere, sound heart and please try to apply this to YOUR LIFE. know your rights, and be among the best muslim women. true happiness lies in Islam. uncover the treasure, it's right in front of you...you just gotta know when to lift the cover and wake up from this dark mess. salam.
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Basicofislam

Basicofislam

sister
:salam2: sister i wont completely blame you or say what you did was haram and so and so. Just do tauba to Allah right now which is the most important thing. As far as your husband is concerned. I personally would divorce him but that is me. A man who drinks and if that is a habit will commit other shirks also. A person just does not change over night. Even if he truly is repenting do you want to take that chance. Trust Allah do istikhara. And i feel take the step before you ruin your life with a person like that.Do you want a person like that to be father of your kids.
 
shichemlydia

shichemlydia

Junior Member
answer

salam alikoum sister,
first may allah find you a way out from this trouble, i guess this poor husband is not a muslim bur rather holds the title of islam, and unfortunately, islam is not about titles but it is about beliefs and practices.
if he is a real muslim, he should know about the islamic rulling about someone who is married and have sex outside marriage, can you guess what does the rule say" he should be thrown with stones until death".
a real muslim does not drink, and does not commit sex before marriage or with someone else apart from his wife, he does not even talk to women who are not his mahram.
neverthless, i think you have played a role in this trouble too, because, as a convert to islam, you should seek someone who is a very good muslim at least he can help you in your journey, someone who sleeps with women before marriage, never was and never will be a good muslim. and it is the same for you as well, you are not supposed to sleep with him before marriage.
my sincere advice to you is, try to take your religion more seriousely, and take care of it and be proud of it.
and keep asking allah to find you another better more faithfull husband.
wa salam alikoum
 
A

Aapa

Mirajmom
Salaam,

In the tender months of marriage you have been hurt. I pray that you realize this was not about you. Your husband felt short. It was a momentary physical act. Should you want to remain in this relationship you need to forgive him.
Let go of your anger. It will only harm you. You may use this opportunity to grow in faith yourself. Have mercy on him and start anew. Please do not dwell in the past. You need to protect yourself and the best way is to remain in the present. Pray for your marriage and let us know if we can make dua ( supplication) for you. Stay strong and know that you are loved.
 
A

AISHA14

allah is my lord
salam

look sister as i see from one side then i remember the words of my prophet muhammad (s.a.w) he had said that if a person does adultry before marriage then you have to stone him to death....he has given no chance, nothing ...he has occured the biggest sin ,....

look at the following hadith :


volume 8 book 82 number 806 :
Narrated by abu huraira:
A man came to Allah's Apostle while he was in the mosque, and he called him, saying, "O Allah's Apostle! I have committed illegal sexual intercourse.'" The Prophet turned his face to the other side, but that man repeated his statement four times, and after he bore witness against himself four times, the Prophet called him, saying, "Are you mad?" The man said, "No." The Prophet said, "Are you married?" The man said, "Yes." Then the Prophet said, 'Take him away and stone him to death." Jabir bin 'Abdullah said: I was among the ones who participated in stoning him and we stoned him at the Musalla. When the stones troubled him, he fled, but we over took him at Al-Harra and stoned him to death.
 
A

AISHA14

allah is my lord
salam

sister ..i think he has no given chance but allah's mercy is too great ..allah might have forgived that kind person.
inshallah
 
L

llama

New Member
Hi

Thanks Abdellah007 my inbox is empty but apparently I only have space for one message each time - it should be free.

Thank you for your thoughts everyone. Just to be clear, he cheated on me BEFORE we were married, but after we were engaged.

Ironically although I never say I am religious, he previously encouraged me to follow Islam more, and I was open to this. He knows much more about Islam than me, however, that is starting to mean less to me if he knows more but still chose to commit sins which he believes are wrong.

Yes, I am in the wrong too for zina, but as a human I was betrayed by the man I love and now we are both trying to deal with this. My husband did me wrong before we were married and it hurts.

Yes this is an opportunity for us to lead a halal life together now. I think sadly there are lots of 'muslims' who know the rules but still choose to break them. Most of my pain is because I feel betrayed.

I hope in his heart he realises what he did to me is so wrong, and I have told him if he feels he might do this kind of thing ever again then we should just split up now. He has apologised many times and says he still loves me, he made a big error in his life and has asked me to forgive him. I hope when some of my pain and anger subsides I can think about really forgiving him so we can continue a good life together. I still believe he is a good man and I hope I am making the right decision to give him a chance.
 
J

Jannah03

Junior Member
i have a friend going through this now. He slept with another woman WHILE they were married! he lied and lied and lied about it. Even when she presented evidence to him he still lied about it.
Sister, ask for forgiveness about yourself first and foremost. Learn about islam and your rights now as a muslim wife.
I understand that you feel betrayed because you felt he only wanted you. I couldnt trust people like that personally, and for the fact he lied about it and then FINALLY told you the truth, i dont know sis. I dont know why he lied there are too many reasons to say.
Ask Allah what you should do. you can forgive him and move on, or leave him.
 
Mabsoot

Mabsoot

Amir
Staff member
wa alaykum salam

What has happened is tragic. I am really sorry for you. Allah help you and make things better Amin. May Allah give you the best life in this world and give you and all of us the best place in Jannah! Amin.

What had needed to happen was the past was to be put behind you and you were both to live good Islamic lives. This also meant that you got engaged and married in an Islamic way, which would have closed the door to this man committing Zina.

A Muslim, whether man or woman must follow Islam and be of the best character. From, his actions, I would not recommend such a person for marriage at all! Unfortunately, good genuine Muslim people, who really care about Islam, can be difficult to find. It can take time, patience and perseverance in gaining sound Islamic knowledge.

I mentioned something similar to this in an earlier post:

Please see here:

Importance of gaining knowledge of true Islam before deciding on a partner for getting married .
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?p=283748#post283748

How can we know or understand if a person is right for us merely based on a feeling of "love" or even the promises of a person? This is not enough. Islamic knowledge and patience are key for a person to make the right decisions.

This does not enable us to make perfect choices, as we can all make mistakes, but it does help us to make better choices.

Even if a person has happened to know someone for years and years, if after they find and seek the real Islamic path, then they must be careful in how they should get married. Firstly, they should not be in a relationship at all and secondly, the relationship should be seen as closed.

This is because, with Islamic knowledge, a person can get Baseerah "wisdom" and see things in a different light.

A person will notice how they behave, act and talk and how this may go against the rulings of Islam. It will enable us to seek out their family, friends and to ask those who can help in really being able to know whether this is a person we are to spend the rest of our lives with.

This is a person who is meant to help take us and our families on the journey to Jannatul Firdaus. To paradise!! It is a very important decision and so uptmost care must be taken.

Unfortunately, these are points overlooked by many, or never appreciated.

Perhaps even a really good Muslim proposes to someone and they do not have the wisdom to accept, and they go on to marry someone who was a worse propspect, due to the Shaitan clouding their judgement or just due to lack of knowledge. Thus the person misses a chance to be with someone who was good for them or learn later from mistakes.

As you are from England I ask that you get in touch with people who are experienced in helping out in such situations:

. You must visit a Sunni Masjid. IN UK, London- Regents Park Mosque and Green Lane Mosque in Birmingham. These both are Qualified to settle divorce/marriage issues. Please contact the Islamic Judiciary Board 0121 773 0050. They may be able to direct you to regional offices inshaAllah.

Please speak to them to get help and advice! Rather than on a Message board. We are here for you and to help you to learn, inshaAllah.. But, these matters are best dealt with by those who are qualified, ring the above number! I would recommend you speak to Dr Suhaib Hassan at the Islamic Judiciary Board.

Assalamu alaaykum wa Rahmatullah
 
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