q8penpals
Junior Member
Assalam Aliekum, Believer
I have read your initial post and the follow-up posts before posting because I wanted to think about it completely and totally.
I am going to respond completely on my own and not comment on what other people posted.
I feel for you. I am an American living outside the US and have traveled quite extensively. I feel the situation you have been coerced into is a result of CULTURE and not of Islam. I know many, MANY women who are unhappily married to men not specifically of their choosing that they agreed to marry to make their family happy. I also know some women who married and are content with the husband that they did not necessarily choose for themselves but agreed to marry.
I think that the pressure your family put on you tainted your YES reply to whether you would marry him, and given the fact that you state in your original post that you thought you were just agreeing to an engagement at that time, leads me to believe there was something a little sneaky going on. Again, this is my personal thought, which may be wrong, but I liken it to being conned.
I feel that if you said yes under pressure from your family (which from what I have seen in my experiences = either say yes or you will dishonor the family/be disowned), I feel that is almost the same as being forced. You said no no no no no for a month before saying yes. I feel you were emotionally raped by your family - they did not respect your right to marry someone you approved of but kept pressuring, pressuring, pressuring.
You do have a couple of choices, as other posters stated: 1. stick it out and see how it works (although, personally, I would advise not having a child until you are sure you are okay with it - and I know someone is going to flame me for that comment); 2. divorce and deal with your family.
I personally also would not go sign citizenship paper applications for him unless you are sure you would want to stay married to him (and give this some time, because unfortunately, there is a misguided group of men and around the world of all religions that see nothing wrong with using people). There is nothing I know of in Islam that says you are required to get your husband citizenship in a different country. If he has a problem with waiting or you not signing for him, well, that would say something, wouldn't it? If he says that it is no problem, well, then that would say something as well. My non-American husband has the right to apply for US Citizenship and we have been married almost 4 years, and he isn't even interested in becoming an American (as a matter of fact, I only have a 1.5 year wait until I get my Kuwaiti citizenship).
Honestly, I think you made a mistake saying yes if you really didn't want to. BUT, we are ALL HUMAN, and we all MAKE MISTAKES. That doesn't mean you should have to pay for your mistake forever.
If I were in your situation right now, this is what I would do. Meet the man; tell him that you are uneasy with the marriage; tell him you won't consummate the marriage until you are comfortable (but give a timetable - "I will try this for a month; if by the end of September, I have not become comfortable as you wife, then I will return any mahr and want a divorce."); tell him you are sorry that he has been put into the situation as well, but there was pressure from your family, which is why you want to get to know him a bit before making a decision to divorce; and ask for his forgiveness that this may cause him discomfort, and ask God for guidance.
Then do exactly that if you decide to stay with him - work with him, see what kind of husband he would be, and don't just give in - if he gets mean or violent with regards to any considerations you ask of him, that is a sign. My husband and I were just apart for 6 weeks (I spent my summer holiday with my parents and he wasn't able to come this year) and my husband did not feel the need to find another woman or be mean to me about it.
I don't know if my response is considered "Islamically-correct" but I haven't been Muslim for all that long, and I have been a very smart, practical person all my life, so that is the angle I am coming from.
I hope the situation works out for you, whatever you choose.
Lana
I have read your initial post and the follow-up posts before posting because I wanted to think about it completely and totally.
I am going to respond completely on my own and not comment on what other people posted.
I feel for you. I am an American living outside the US and have traveled quite extensively. I feel the situation you have been coerced into is a result of CULTURE and not of Islam. I know many, MANY women who are unhappily married to men not specifically of their choosing that they agreed to marry to make their family happy. I also know some women who married and are content with the husband that they did not necessarily choose for themselves but agreed to marry.
I think that the pressure your family put on you tainted your YES reply to whether you would marry him, and given the fact that you state in your original post that you thought you were just agreeing to an engagement at that time, leads me to believe there was something a little sneaky going on. Again, this is my personal thought, which may be wrong, but I liken it to being conned.
I feel that if you said yes under pressure from your family (which from what I have seen in my experiences = either say yes or you will dishonor the family/be disowned), I feel that is almost the same as being forced. You said no no no no no for a month before saying yes. I feel you were emotionally raped by your family - they did not respect your right to marry someone you approved of but kept pressuring, pressuring, pressuring.
You do have a couple of choices, as other posters stated: 1. stick it out and see how it works (although, personally, I would advise not having a child until you are sure you are okay with it - and I know someone is going to flame me for that comment); 2. divorce and deal with your family.
I personally also would not go sign citizenship paper applications for him unless you are sure you would want to stay married to him (and give this some time, because unfortunately, there is a misguided group of men and around the world of all religions that see nothing wrong with using people). There is nothing I know of in Islam that says you are required to get your husband citizenship in a different country. If he has a problem with waiting or you not signing for him, well, that would say something, wouldn't it? If he says that it is no problem, well, then that would say something as well. My non-American husband has the right to apply for US Citizenship and we have been married almost 4 years, and he isn't even interested in becoming an American (as a matter of fact, I only have a 1.5 year wait until I get my Kuwaiti citizenship).
Honestly, I think you made a mistake saying yes if you really didn't want to. BUT, we are ALL HUMAN, and we all MAKE MISTAKES. That doesn't mean you should have to pay for your mistake forever.
If I were in your situation right now, this is what I would do. Meet the man; tell him that you are uneasy with the marriage; tell him you won't consummate the marriage until you are comfortable (but give a timetable - "I will try this for a month; if by the end of September, I have not become comfortable as you wife, then I will return any mahr and want a divorce."); tell him you are sorry that he has been put into the situation as well, but there was pressure from your family, which is why you want to get to know him a bit before making a decision to divorce; and ask for his forgiveness that this may cause him discomfort, and ask God for guidance.
Then do exactly that if you decide to stay with him - work with him, see what kind of husband he would be, and don't just give in - if he gets mean or violent with regards to any considerations you ask of him, that is a sign. My husband and I were just apart for 6 weeks (I spent my summer holiday with my parents and he wasn't able to come this year) and my husband did not feel the need to find another woman or be mean to me about it.
I don't know if my response is considered "Islamically-correct" but I haven't been Muslim for all that long, and I have been a very smart, practical person all my life, so that is the angle I am coming from.
I hope the situation works out for you, whatever you choose.
Lana
