Problems with ex-husband, please advise :)

[Hannah123]

Assalam alaikum
I will be short, inshaAllah.
My ex-husband before I reverted to Islam wants visitation rights of our son.
I have denied him this for over a year now, due to my current husband not liking the idea.
I am now being taken to court for visitation.
I have no problem with them seeing eachother, but if my husband finds out then he will leave me.
he's said so.
I don't take this to the local masjid because my husband is prominent there.

please help me to understand how i should deal with this, a muslim wife, as a mother, as a servant of Allah.
Thanks for all your help.

Hannah

This story is actually much much more intense and long.
One thing you might consider is that the ex is an illegal immigrant and may be deported, but now he's remarried and has another child.

 

[palestine]

Walaikum wasalam since you mentioned your ex is an illegal immigrant than that puts fear in my heart that he may try and run away with your child, so i'd be cautious of that. it happens. as for your current husband, if he is a man who fears Allah he should know that a son should be able to see his father once in a while. the son's dad is a human with a heart, he shouldn't be denied visitation of his son of course with some certain precautions so that you shall not lose your son. talk to your husband and if he allows let him know that even he can chaperone and be there while the ex husband visits the kid. that's the only advice i can give sister. and inshAllah i wish the best for you. i think ur husband should put into consideration that due to the visitation rule by the court that you can lose your son due to this, and if he cares enough i think he should put that into consideration cause my Allah i do not want you to lose your precious son to an illegal immigrant father, cause once he disappears you don't know where the heck he'll take your son. i can go on forever but i'll stop. hopefully everything works out for the best. and if your current husband leaves you while you are just trying to do what's right, then sis maybe he was never worth it to began with. TRUST IN ALLAH. inshAllah everything will be fine.

 

[tariq353]

Assalam alaikum
I will be short, inshaAllah.
My ex-husband before I reverted to Islam wants visitation rights of our son.
I have denied him this for over a year now, due to my current husband not liking the idea.
I am now being taken to court for visitation.
I have no problem with them seeing eachother, but if my husband finds out then he will leave me.
he's said so.
I don't take this to the local masjid because my husband is prominent there.

please help me to understand how i should deal with this, a muslim wife, as a mother, as a servant of Allah.
Thanks for all your help.

Hannah

This story is actually much much more intense and long.
One thing you might consider is that the ex is an illegal immigrant and may be deported, but now he's remarried and has another child.

Sister Hannah,
Your question is a bit technical, requires the knowledge of Local law i think you should visit www.islamqa.com and submit your question to the experts. Insha'allah you will get the answer.


May Allah Bless u n Solve All Your Problem.......

Aameen

 

[queenislam]

~May Allah swt help and guide you~Amin!


:salam2:

Dear sister,
Seriously,You need to get help from the Islamic council cause the issue is sensitive ,we don't want you to lose your husband by such simple matter.


But don't worry sister this issue can be solve easily insya allah!

~May Allah swt help and guide you~Amin!

Take Care!
~Wassalam

 

[Hannah123]

thanks

Thanks for all your help.
I think i will just make a clear case to my husband using appropriate hadith and inshaAllah all goes well.
Please keep me in your prayers.

 

[Bawar]

Assalamu alaikum!

Often times, solutions can be found to many difficult issues once the concerned sides are involved and that can be done by a good communication.

Approach your husband in a nice and calm manner and tell him that you have a problem. If you do not allow your ex-husband to visit his son and the issue is gone to court you may end up being at a much more disadvantaged position. Also, ask him what does his Deen (religion of Islam) expect of him in this matter?

Make sure you tell him that he (your husband) and your son are both equally important to you and you do not want to loose any one of them and that you need his help in this difficult matter.

In short, keep him involved and make this issue his problem too, not just yours. Also, as some brothers and sisters advised, get expert help.

May Allah make it easy for you.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Why are you making this so difficult. The children are your ex-husbands. Why deny him his fatherhood.
Your children will resent you. You divorced..your children didn't.

Think of the children.

 

[Kakorot]

Sorry but your husband is wrong. What goes on between your children and ex-husband is none of his business.

 

[dna1987]

Assalam alaikum.

If this son belongs to both of you, then he should have every right to see his offspring on a regular basis.

You listed your only reason for denying him visitation rights to his son is that your current husband won't be happy about it. Well, your current husband needs to get his act together and accept the fact that his step-son has another father, who has the right to see him.

Fatwas on islam-qa.com say that a woman has to give up the children to her former husband if she remarries. Now, I don't believe myself that every situation is so black and white, and the courts in the States have given you custody.

Assalam alaikum.

 

[queenislam]

~May Allah swt protect your family~Amin!

Thanks for all your help.
I think i will just make a clear case to my husband using appropriate hadith and inshaAllah all goes well.
Please keep me in your prayers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:salam2:

My dearest sister,
I understand your situation
Do Not
force this matter on your husband !
What important most is
your husband then everyone else!
Understand his position and respect his decision
You can also discuss with him about consulting the islamic council help
regarding the child matter.
I understand your husband want THE best for your family.

~May Allah swt protect your family
And
help and guide you~Amin!

Happy Ma'al Hijrah
1432' Hijrah
to all.

Take Care!
~Wassalam.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

If you are being taken back to the courts for not following the court orders you may lose your children.
Do you really want to lose your children. In the eyes of the law you have been negligent.

Your husband is not thinking. He is not thinking about anyone but his ego. He does not understand nor care that he has put you in jeopardy. He has no rights over the children unless he adopts them. This does not seem to be the case.

It is not fair to the children. They have a biological father who wants to remain in contact.

What is your husbands reasoning? And why would you want to stay with someone who is hurting you so much.

 

[Hannah123]

My ex-husband missed court cases, and in turn I got sole custody.
It has been a year, maybe more since he's tried anything like this. It is not me disobeying the courts, it is him.

But now he wants to go back to court to try to get visitation, i'm confident that if we go to court he will get nothing. But this doesn't feel right.
I feel awful for taking him to court in the first place.
I have a lot of evidence against him and his stability as a person.
He could flee the country whenever he wants, he was out of the country illegally for our custody hearing, so how much does he care?
See i know he cares, i just don't want to ruin my current marriage for him.
My son is very happy and well taken care of, he calls my husband "abi"
He doesn't know any other father, so am i supposed to make him uncomfortable now by putting him back with his father?
I don't know.
I really don't
I have faith in the Qadr of Allah and will be patient with whatever i get from this.
I don't want to be a horrible person by getting him deported, i've been holding out. but now this is what my husband wants. This is how we will win!! But it's not right, right?

Ahhhh... can't u tell i'm confused.

 

[Hannah123]

Oh and my husband is not hurting me, he's an excellent man who just wants everyone to be safe and secure. he's actually only thinking of us (his family). But now i have to think islamically.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

First, you must give yourself a pat on the back. You are very honest.

Second, you are correct. You must pray. Allah has promised us He is our Protector. Be patient and go to court.

The issue is although your son is calling your husband father..that is not the case. This is what needs to be addressed. A man may abandon his son but the fact remains he is still the father. No other man can be his father.

This is where I would seek the advise of a an imam or a pious brother with knowledge.

 

[zainsmommy]

Assalamu Aleikom

I am with Aapa on this one. I think that women who choose their love of a man over their children will only regret this in the end. Despite the fact that your child only knows your husband at this time, there will come a point in time--down the road when he is older--that he will question who his REAL Father is and why he was kept out of his life.

I only speak from experience Sister. Please learn from my mistake of letting a man, who seemingly has your best interest at heart, dictate how you run the affairs of your life that has previous strings attached.

I imagine that your husband really loves you, and really wants what is best for you and your son, but this does not seem right. I wonder what he would do if it were his biological son and an ex wife doing this to him? I wonder what stance he would take then? I presume it would be different than this one.

I think you should really think about what you will do not for your ex husband, not for yourself, not for your husband now and the sake of your little perfect family now...but for your son. He has rights--they are clearly outlined in Islam(the rights a child has over his parents) and locking him out of his Father's life for the sake of your own happiness and current marriage(it IS ABOUT YOU and YOUR husband, not your son no matter how many times you try to convince yourself otherwise)is a very selfish move and one that I am sure you will come to regret later on when he is older.

My comment may seem as if I am being harsh, but believe me, I am not. I really want for your situation to be resolved. I just fear you will let your own emotions and fear of abandonment by a man take precedence over your son. I know the consequence of this from experience...trust me. If I were you, I'd be more concerned with the fact that my husband wants to separate a parent from their child. I would asking myself if this is the type of person that I want to help raise my children.

You seem to be very smart mashaAllah and I know that this time is difficult for you, but please, do not lose sight of what is really important. People change Sister. He may have changed and now knows how important it is for him to be a Father--an active Father--for his son. Give him the benefit of the doubt for the sake of your son. I cannot imagine him growing up and finding out that you decided to 'get rid' of his Father for the sake of your for another man.

I will keep you in my dua and hope that you make the right decisions. The ones that are best for your son...after all, we Mother's must push aside what we want sometimes for the benefit of our children. It is a sacrifice that will be rewarded inshaAllah.

 

[Kakorot]

Your children shouldn't call your husband father because they are not his biological children. It's just wrong. They're going to think that this man is their father then when they grow up and understand that he's not, then what? Even more confusion and they'll blame you for it.

Give your ex-husband another chance and see how it goes.

And I don't think your current husband should have any say in the decisions you make. It's got nothing to do with him.

Think what's best for your children FIRST.

 

[trying2learn]

Would your ex-husband flee the country with your son? Has he made any attempt to be apart of his life? Even if it was phone calls? If the answer is yes to the first question and no to the second, then I would re-evaluate the situation. If you are seriously afraid that he would take your son you need to tell the judge that. It is fantastic that your new husband is a positive role model for your son, and it is great that he calls him abi. Just because he is not your husbands biological child means nothing, love is what matters (because if that was the case adopted children would NEVER know who to call mom and dad) If you allow your ex-husband visitation now what is to say he will continue it? It would do more harm than good for your son to have "biological" daddy there for 1 year, and then he leaves. This will cause issues between your son and new husband. (I am speaking from experience, I went through this as a child starting at 6 years old). Your new husband does have a right to state his opinion on this matter as well, as he has been there as the father for your son while he biological father was not. I hope this helps, and I also hope you come to a good decision insha Allah.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

You may wish to retain a lawyer for the benefit for your children. In the eyes of the law your husband has little if anything to say. He may need counseling to resolve his issues.

 

[Hannah123]

Wow, thanks for all the thoughts. I really needed opinions on this matter!!
Okay, so My ex-husband was abusive, he was into drugs, but he is now remarried and has a kid.
I know that some people said it's not okay for my son to call him "abi" but i disagree. He uses it like a nickname, instead of calling him Mohamed.
I am just worried that my ex-husbands life may appeal more to my son than our current life. So i'm working on a schedule that I can deal with. I have yet to discuss my thoughts with my husband because I have to be slick about it!
I could just go to court and do mediation with the ex and tell my husband that's what the judge said.
GRRRRR.
I'm really not too upset, I just want to do the right thing.
The first time i went to court was to get a order of protection from him. He fought it and got visitation eventually. Then he left the country and I took him to court for custody and he didn't show up.
So that's the basic story!
But like I said I will just ask Allah for peace and guidance and I know He will help me out. InshaAllah

 

[Hannah123]

no he's catholic