Rejected over culture and reputation

[poetic]

Me and my boyfriend were together for 9 months.. We love eachother..But We just recently broke up, he chose his mom and family over me. His mom told him to chose, and he did, but he loves me still. We just broke and he doesnt talk to me now. Our relationship was good, but he lied to his mom about me even though she knew about me, he'd lie about where he was.. and he just turned 22..This is all because (from my view) she wants to look good and it has nothing to do with religion, but her culture.. I talked to her on the phone and she said to stay away from him if I care about him,and that I have to change my mind about him.. When I said im willing to learn Islam with or without him ..and to give me a chance she said no, it's too hard to learn, thats not true, im human. Im just going to give him space and wait. Her marriage was arranged, im wondering if that makes a difference, maybe she doesnt know alot about a realtionship with true love.. She is a very cold woman, and even though she has bad talked me several times behind my back I still respect her.. And I dont say bad things about her..Should I stay away from him like she says.. I really love him .

 

[ShyHijabi]

I am afraid you should be directing your anger and frustration at the brother in question. He should've never lead you "down the primrose path." Dating and intermingling of the sexes is not allowed in Islam. And while her marriage was arranged there is nothing against a love match in Islam, but the relatioship must be started by halaal (permissible) means.

The proper thing to do would've been for him to appraoch your family concerning marriage and then moved forward. According to Islam he must always chose the happiness of his mother over anything else if it falls within the bounds of Islam. She does not want him dating or associating with women unless it is within the confines of what is permissible so she did nothing wrong by restricting his contact with you.

However I strongly disagree with her when she told you it was too hard to learn about Islam. Islam is open to anyone and everyone...no exceptions. But you must approach the religion with the intention to learn for the sake of learning and understanding, not because you want to appear acceptable to a man's family. I am sorry if you are in pain right now as I cannot imagine how hurt you must be but at this point I think it best for you to move on. Continue to look into Islam and ask questions, but do it for the sake of your soul. God willing you will find someone perfect for you.

~Sarah

 

[ShahnazZ]

Hi,

Well according to Islamic Law, its haram (forbidden) for him to be with you considering the fact that not only are you not his wife, but you're not Muslim either. It's a different thing if you were to become Muslim, but becoming Muslim for a guy is the wrong reason to adopt Islam as your religion. You should never become Muslim for anyone but yourself and Allah. This doesn't just go for you, it goes for him as well. He really should have known what he was getting into and the fact that both of you would have been hurt as a result of this. Alot of traditional Muslim parents are FIERCE and they never really back down. I don't know him or his family so I can't tell you what could happen, but I think the best thing would be to stay away from him. Acting otherwise would be sinful. However, Allah only knows what will happen in the future and I truly do hope you look into Islam, FOR YOURSELF.

 

[jabba]

:salam2:
well if he's already chosen his family over you, I'd stay away, I understand this must be very difficult for you but what happens if he changes his mind and you get married and have kids or something and the mom still feels this way, it'll be nothing but problems. And who knows if he will choose his family again .....

 

[zaphirelee]

As far as I understand Muslim men are allowed to marry non-muslim women as long as they aren't polytheists and as long as the marriage is approved by the family.

 

[umm hussain]

As far as I understand Muslim men are allowed to marry non-muslim women as long as they aren't polytheists and as long as the marriage is approved by the family.

The women must also be chaste, look at thelink below for a more detailed explanation:
http://www.islamqa.com/index.php?ref=2527&ln=eng&txt=marry people of the book

I understand your boyfriends mothers point of view. You think she might be doing it aout of culture and not religion but you don,t know and neither do I. I will assume though she is doing it because she is Muslim woman who fears Allah and only wants what is right according to Islam and its teachings. As people have mentioned earlier it is not allowed to have boyfriend or girlfriend and if two people take a liking to each other they can meet and talk but only in the presence of a mahram or some people would like to call it a chaperone.His age does not matter he can be 32 for that matter but cannot be with a woman alone without marrying her.

What your boyfriend did was wrong and he should not have misled you or even begin to lead you on in the first place. People do make mistakes and maybe he has realised and has decided to follow Islam the way it should be. Do not be mad at his mum, be mad at him.

If you do decide to learn about Islam then do it for yourself and not for him or to be accepted by his family because if he leaves you, you might also leave Islam because you did it for him. There are quite a few links on this site to learn about Allah and the teachings of Islam and if you are convinced Islam is the truth inshallah and you accept it maybe, Allah willing someone will come along and will be a lot better than your boyfriend.

 

[ShahnazZ]

As far as I understand Muslim men are allowed to marry non-muslim women as long as they aren't polytheists and as long as the marriage is approved by the family.

Uh there's a fine line when it comes to that. They're allowed to marry the women of the Ahl al-Kitab and as the People of the Book constitute THOSE Jews and Christians that were TRUE to their TRUE books. As in those Jews that follow the TRUE Torah post its man-made alteration and same for the Christians. Those people would in fact believe in the same things as Muslims as we would be following the same teachings as essentially taught by Moses a.s. , Jesus a.s. , and the Prophet Mohammed (SAW). These do not mean the people of today who follow the changed versions of the true Books. Many men however abuse this ayat to mean that they can marry Jews and Christians period.

 

[Abel213]

Uh there's a fine line when it comes to that. They're allowed to marry the women of the Ahl al-Kitab and as the People of the Book constitute THOSE Jews and Christians that were TRUE to their TRUE books. As in those Jews that follow the TRUE Torah post its man-made alteration and same for the Christians. Those people would in fact believe in the same things as Muslims as we would be following the same teachings as essentially taught by Moses a.s. , Jesus a.s. , and the Prophet Mohammed (SAW). These do not mean the people of today who follow the changed versions of the true Books. Many men however abuse this ayat to mean that they can marry Jews and Christians period.

:salam2:

Muhammad married Mary the Copt(a Christian) and The Christian and Jewish books/ideas were changed by the time of the Quran(9:30,2:120,2:135,5:14).
The reason Muslim men can marry Christian/Jewish women is because their kids will turn out to be Muslim and thats good.

Personally, I am going to marry a Muslim women but I just wanted to make that clear.

 

[rtbour]

I think you should be mad at the son for leading you on, like others said, but I also think you should be mad at the mother. I think she was wrong in talking badly about you, IF you are a good-hearted person, and I think it was horrible for her to say you can't learn Islam. You can. I married my muslim husband while I was christian, and his family still has not even met me, because they are in a different country. His family knew I was not muslim, but accepted me like I was their own daughter. I see no reason for her to have acted like that. And I believe that if she was so concerned about you being with her son, she should have tried not to ever let a "problem" like this one happen, by keeping a closer eye on her son, restricting his freedom, and making it very clear to him that it would never be acceptable for him to marry a non-muslim. I doubt she did all of that. Her son seems to be very loyal to her and if she sets rules, he seems to follow them (look how he left you at her command), meaning that if she had been more clear on the rules and more strict on her son, YOU might not be in the pain you are in right now. Someone please correct me if i am wrong, but I believe both mother and son are to blame for this.

 

[rtbour]

Also, perhaps this is part of Allah's plan for you. Maybe this whole experience was meant to be a way for you to find Islam, not your soul mate. Maybe it didn't work out because that is not the man Allah has planned for you. Maybe you will find Islam, meet a nice muslim man, be accepted and loved by his family, and live a happy life. Try to think outside the box a little. It may help you on your journey and it may lift your spirits just enough to help you get through the pain. =)

 

[ShahnazZ]

:salam2:

Muhammad married Mary the Copt(a Christian) and The Christian and Jewish books/ideas were changed by the time of the Quran(9:30,2:120,2:135,5:14).
The reason Muslim men can marry Christian/Jewish women is because their kids will turn out to be Muslim and thats good.

Personally, I am going to marry a Muslim women but I just wanted to make that clear.

Books can change and so can people, but that by no means meant that EVERY TRUE Jew and Christian was extinct just because their books were. If you recall, Khadija r.a.'s cousin, Waraqa, was a Christian monk and said he would help the Prophet S.A.W. in his time of need if he were still alive when that time came. The true People of the Book lived on long after their books were changed. The Lady Mariah was no doubt one of those people. Muslim men are not given a free pass to marry just any woman that constitues a name as one of the People of the Book; she has to be one of THOSE people who still follows the true message and we can never say they stopped existing just because their true books ceased to. They might even still exist but the point is.....they're extremely RARE.

 

[ShyHijabi]

Books can change and so can people, but that by no means meant that EVERY TRUE Jew and Christian was extinct just because their books were. If you recall, Khadija r.a.'s cousin, Waraqa, was a Christian monk and said he would help the Prophet S.A.W. in his time of need if he were still alive when that time came. The true People of the Book lived on long after their books were changed. The Lady Mariah was no doubt one of those people. Muslim men are not given a free pass to marry just any woman that constitues a name as one of the People of the Book; she has to be one of THOSE people who still follows the true message and we can never say they stopped existing just because their true books ceased to. They might even still exist but the point is.....they're extremely RARE.

Salaam brother,

Can you please back this up with some daleel? Otherwise it appears you are trying to issue a fatwa. I have read numerous fatwas stating Muslim men are permitted to marry Christian and Jewish women of our modern day, there is no mention about them having to follow the unalatered books.

Wasalaam

~Sarah

 

[poetic]

i dont know if my last reply worked but i said that he didnt lead me on..its just he wants to do right for his mom but he really truely loves me..and the love is that strong..also i may be pregnant

 

[rtbour]

you think you are pregnant???????? don't you pretty much have to marry him, now, if you are pregnant? i think some cultures make the people marry in that situation so they don't disgrace the family. i will pray for you, because it's very hard being a single mom. i was one for over 1 year before i met my husband! take care of yourself.