finding light
Ya Rab! Forgive me..
Too much personal detail
Religion vs Culture problem
- Thread starter finding light
- Start date
islamerica
1 Ummah under God
wa'alaikum as'salaam,
first of all, congratulations!
I can tell you it will be very difficult to get away from unless you have an understanding with your parents in law and/or they are educated enough to listen to reason or religious enough not to care.
In either case, I think it is also outlawed in Pakistan to do all this fancy wedding. Police has been known to go to such weddings and pick up fancy stuff and take it away. What you could push for is to have close friends family and relatives only rather than the whole community and keep it very simple. Tell them you want it to be like a davaat type and not the traditional flashy bells and whistle type.
Being realistic, I don't know how much 100% Islamic wedding you can have given your situation. As I said before, it all depends on the disposition of your in-laws and how much they would be willing to listen to you verses give into pressure of what will others think if it's not glamorous enough. You would really need to sell the idea to them to have it your way. Since your bro is bit hot temper, is there anyone else you could delegate to act on your behalf. Perhaps a reliable aunty or uncle or cousin that could accompany your brother.
As for Ruksati, or farewell ceremony. Islamically by doing the nikkah you are married and husband and wife. But culturally you can't be together before the see-off (ruksati) otherwise it reflects negatively on both families and seen as someone liberal and loose people. But then again we also have to keep in mind how modern Pakistanis have become today so those views and mindsets might not be present unless the people are of traditional values and not your western imitators like others. You could get away with this being not living over there, his family could say he is visiting your place to make arrangements for settle down and then you will do ruksati. You might have some room to play with this being outside of the land. In this case as well as flashy wedding, a lot can depend on how well you could persuade your in-laws to be and how much you could sell them on your views. It will help to have more people on your side going to talk to them on your behalf as well as have a few adults or "wise seniors" to talk to them compared to just your brother. More weight will be given having more adults talking your behalf, just make sure to find the ones that sing your tune.
But in all honesty, your best bet is to have that proper good communication and understanding with them as to what you want, what they want and what you two can do to make it work.
Inshallah may Allah make it easy for you and bless you. ameen!
first of all, congratulations!
I can tell you it will be very difficult to get away from unless you have an understanding with your parents in law and/or they are educated enough to listen to reason or religious enough not to care.
In either case, I think it is also outlawed in Pakistan to do all this fancy wedding. Police has been known to go to such weddings and pick up fancy stuff and take it away. What you could push for is to have close friends family and relatives only rather than the whole community and keep it very simple. Tell them you want it to be like a davaat type and not the traditional flashy bells and whistle type.
Being realistic, I don't know how much 100% Islamic wedding you can have given your situation. As I said before, it all depends on the disposition of your in-laws and how much they would be willing to listen to you verses give into pressure of what will others think if it's not glamorous enough. You would really need to sell the idea to them to have it your way. Since your bro is bit hot temper, is there anyone else you could delegate to act on your behalf. Perhaps a reliable aunty or uncle or cousin that could accompany your brother.
As for Ruksati, or farewell ceremony. Islamically by doing the nikkah you are married and husband and wife. But culturally you can't be together before the see-off (ruksati) otherwise it reflects negatively on both families and seen as someone liberal and loose people. But then again we also have to keep in mind how modern Pakistanis have become today so those views and mindsets might not be present unless the people are of traditional values and not your western imitators like others. You could get away with this being not living over there, his family could say he is visiting your place to make arrangements for settle down and then you will do ruksati. You might have some room to play with this being outside of the land. In this case as well as flashy wedding, a lot can depend on how well you could persuade your in-laws to be and how much you could sell them on your views. It will help to have more people on your side going to talk to them on your behalf as well as have a few adults or "wise seniors" to talk to them compared to just your brother. More weight will be given having more adults talking your behalf, just make sure to find the ones that sing your tune.
But in all honesty, your best bet is to have that proper good communication and understanding with them as to what you want, what they want and what you two can do to make it work.
Inshallah may Allah make it easy for you and bless you. ameen!
Munawar
Striving for Paradise
:salam2:
Sister,
I would first point out that your husband's parents are his parents... they have a right on him. If what they want is NOT Haram then I suspect he would have no Islamically legal grounds to refuse to his parents.
I don't know what actually they want to do during the wedding ceremony, not every Pakistani wedding has singing and dancing in it. So my suggestion would be to ask him what kinds of activities they want to do during the wedding. Make a list of it and then ask a Sheikh or your Imam or a scholor about each item. If any of the item is haram then you have a right, rather a duty to refuse it. Those items that are not haram, negotiate on them. This would be best solution.
Don't have this western ego kind of thing that this is my wedding and I can veto anything... as you said: "after all it is MY wedding, not his mother's or father's."
We not just marry to an individual but we also join his/her family. According to several hadiths a man should care for his mother more than his wife.
So, what I am saying is that first get the list and then get the opinion of a sheikh, then smartly negotiate and agree to a balance which work for all parties.
Note: They may break the promise at the wedding and do something you didn't agree with. IF that happens, then don't make a big fuss about it. Allah knows what is in your heart, so you won't be held responsible.
Please accept my Congratulations on getting
married . May Allah make your marriage permanant, loving and a blessed one. Ameen.
Sister,
I would first point out that your husband's parents are his parents... they have a right on him. If what they want is NOT Haram then I suspect he would have no Islamically legal grounds to refuse to his parents.
I don't know what actually they want to do during the wedding ceremony, not every Pakistani wedding has singing and dancing in it. So my suggestion would be to ask him what kinds of activities they want to do during the wedding. Make a list of it and then ask a Sheikh or your Imam or a scholor about each item. If any of the item is haram then you have a right, rather a duty to refuse it. Those items that are not haram, negotiate on them. This would be best solution.
Don't have this western ego kind of thing that this is my wedding and I can veto anything... as you said: "after all it is MY wedding, not his mother's or father's."
We not just marry to an individual but we also join his/her family. According to several hadiths a man should care for his mother more than his wife.
So, what I am saying is that first get the list and then get the opinion of a sheikh, then smartly negotiate and agree to a balance which work for all parties.
Note: They may break the promise at the wedding and do something you didn't agree with. IF that happens, then don't make a big fuss about it. Allah knows what is in your heart, so you won't be held responsible.
Please accept my Congratulations on getting
married . May Allah make your marriage permanant, loving and a blessed one. Ameen.
finding light
Ya Rab! Forgive me..
Thank you both for your responses.... I shall take your advice on board and have open communication. Of course I will not go alone, I will have the support of uncles on my side and getting a sheiks opinion is also a great idea... but even getting to the stage of saying - i want to see a shiek about this - is the problem for me. I know and understand what it means in their society and this is the whole reason why I want to treat carefully. The things planned are unIslamic - music, dancing, intermingling, spending a lot of money etc.... not to mention that the youth will probably "drink" to the occassion (of course not in public).
Im scared - thats all....
As to the comment below. Brother, I have not a Western idea of anything. I know very well that I am marrying him and his family together. Accepted - willingly and I love his family. They are Alhamdulillah so kind, warm and affectionate. The point I was trying to make is that if I go there with the Quraan and Sunnah for the purpose of celebrating my wedding in Islamic way, i have a right to be heard. I hope thats clear....
Thanks again both of you for the warm wishes... Keep us in your duas. I really hope Inshallah that our families can agree somewhere without it becoming a mess....
Im scared - thats all....
As to the comment below. Brother, I have not a Western idea of anything. I know very well that I am marrying him and his family together. Accepted - willingly and I love his family. They are Alhamdulillah so kind, warm and affectionate. The point I was trying to make is that if I go there with the Quraan and Sunnah for the purpose of celebrating my wedding in Islamic way, i have a right to be heard. I hope thats clear....
:salam2:
Don't have this western ego kind of thing that this is my wedding and I can veto anything... as you said: "after all it is MY wedding, not his mother's or father's."
We not just marry to an individual but we also join his/her family. According to several hadiths a man should care for his mother more than his wife.
Thanks again both of you for the warm wishes... Keep us in your duas. I really hope Inshallah that our families can agree somewhere without it becoming a mess....