Teen Relationship Situation - Any Advice?

[ATA95]

Hi, there is this girl that comes from a lebanese background who I really like. She’s fourteen and a half and I’m one year and thirteen days older than her. She works at my dad’s shop and I have been talking to her over the internet for a while before I went to my dad's shop and spoke to her face to face. She is the most amazing girl I have ever met. I told her that I like her and that I want to go out with her but she said that she can’t and only that we can be friends because we literally can’t do anything since her parents, especially her father is extremely strict. I can’t even call her on the phone without risking getting her into trouble.

The situation is really difficult since she told me that the relationship between her father was very bad and that they didn’t get along with each other at all. It seems as if I can’t do anything. She told me that she can’t have a boyfriend until she is 17 and possibly even older.

I was planning to tell her the rest of my feelings for her and give her a kiss when I would see her in the September holidays but recently though to my sadness she told me on the net (since it is the only way we can safely communicate with each other) that she doesn’t feel the same way as I do for her. We have both acknowledged that we never know what may happen in the future. I know for a fact that she feels this way because I can’t even get the opportunity to at least go out with her and give her the opportunity to see what a good guy I really am all because of her strict parents.

You may be thinking that why don’t I just move on. Well here is the thing. She isn’t just that girl who I have a crush on. She is literally the girl of my dreams and who has everything I want and more. Whenever I look at her I have no doubt whatsoever that she is the one. I have been rejected three times before and my feelings for her can’t even compare to all those other girls I once liked. I’ve realised that this isn’t a girl who I just like, it is a girl who I think I’m falling for.

What is even more annoying rather than the fact I can’t even do anything with her is that I’m a nice guy who has the utmost respect for her. The only way I can actually see her is when she works at my dad’s shop. At least we are still good friends and can always hope for the future. Even though I like her a lot I have to be realistic as even if we were to be together everything would be so restricted due to her parents. I’m trying to move on as I haven’t been thinking about her as much and have been trying to not think about the situation at all, but there’s something that wants to just try with her.

Even though she just wants to keep it as friends (which I’m completely fine with) I want to try with her because I know for a fact I can’t get to the stage where I know that she genuinely wants to keep it as friends due to that I can’t go out with her and see what may or may not happen, therefore she can’t get to know me for who I am and make a proper decision on whether she actually likes me in that way or not.

This is what annoys me the most. All because her parents are so over protective. To top it all off she is a Christian and I’m a Muslim. This will probably be a problem since her family is Christian and they’d probably never allow me to be with her in the case that we like each other due to me being another faith.

I suggested to her that I would go and meet her parents myself so they can check me out but she said that I don’t know her parents and that they would never allow it. At the moment the conversation between us on the net is just us saying that we’re still good friends. I haven’t spoken to her for over two weeks on the net. This is such a tough situation!
At the moment I’ve been looking in how to pray etc and learn more about Islam (since I converted to Islam last month). I also have been seeking guidance from Allah (SWT) by talking to him about this situation but don’t fully know what to do. I know I’m young and that there are many fish in the sea but there’s this one girl that I believe is the one. I understand it is ultimately up to Allah (SWT) on what happens.

I have a few questions that I’d like answered. Is this a test from Allah (SWT)? If yes, than what is He testing me on, is it patience? How can I receive guidance from Him on this situation? When should I start talking to her again? What should I do in the September holidays when I see her? Should I go with my original plan and tell her my feelings regardless of what she said in one final effort? Or should I just keep it as friends and see what the future holds when she is able to go out with guys that is in a few years time? Any other advice? Thanks for reading.

 

[Tabassum07]

:salam2:

First of all, welcome to the forum.

Little brother, you say you're a muslim. But do you know that this whole boyfriend/girlfriend concept is haram in our religion? I know I sound harsh, but you need to stop this before making a bigger mistake. When a guy and a girl are alone (yes, even online) shaytaan is the third person trying to make the two of you fall in a trap.

You really don't need these problems in your life. It's hard, but you need to stop contact with this girl ASAP - nothing good can ever come out of this. The only halal relationship for you two would be marriage. But as you're so young, you definitely are not ready for this. There is no "going out together" in Islam.

You need to get busy in other activities and keep your mind off of these issues. InshaAllah, the others will advise you better than me.

 

[ditta]

As-salaamu'Alaykum Brother,

Welcome to the Forum and Alhamdu'lillaah (all praises and thanks are to Allah (the Almighty)) that you are Muslim.

Firstly apologies your post did not appear straight away. It was moderated (meaning a moderator had to approve it, on this occasion, me ).

Secondly, after reading your post brother, you need to slow everything down for a minute (you actually have my head spinning, lol).

You have made a big decision by becoming Muslim. Therefore like you have stated focus on the essentials first (prayer: how to perform prayer, what to say, strengthening your faith in general by learning more about what Allah (Subhaanahu wa ta'aala) says about Himself, His Names and Attributes in the Qur'aan and what the Prophet told us regarding this. There are articles here that are good. Check this section below:

http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=15

Learning the above won't be over night as you will be aware. For everyone it takes time to properly understand and then implement into our lives (Subhaan'Allaah how much training does it take to possess self-restraint in our actions, realising that Allah is All-Knower, All-Seen, it takes a life time to develop with slips along the way although the Allah the Most Merciful tells us that we should repent when we slip because He is the acceptor of repentance, Merciful).

Like you said brother, this is a test. A test of your patience in guarding your chastity. Seeking the lawful rather than the unlawful. The Shaytaan will be adding his two pennies worth (i.e., his whisperings) into this situation. However now is the time to show strength and forbearance. This is because this test from Allah (Subhaanahu wa ta'aala) will make you stronger. Look at what Allah says:

"Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is All-Aware of what they do.

And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc).

(Qur'aan, 24: 30-31)

Therefore brother you need to show strength in that what you have mentioned regarding this lady is not lawful (i.e., meeting with her alone, showing affection to her and so on), it is disobedience to Allah (Subhaanahu wa ta'aala) and that is something we should all fear and avoid as much as we can. There is a hadeeth that I don't have the full reference for but I will paraphrase (the Prophet said when a man and woman are alone, the third among them is the Shaytaan).

The fact that she is Christian is of secondary importance (the most important is getting away from the unlawful as stated above, boyfriend and girlfriend).

However you need to think about the problems associated with a Muslim male marrying a woman from the People of the Book. What is this lady's belief? Is it believing in One God that deserves to be worshipped or is it that Allah the Almighty has partners. Only you will know this. Then there is the problems that can arise if there are children (how they will be brought up?) and what not.

Brother, move away from the dreamy/perceived happy thoughts and arrive back to reality (I don't mean to be offensive, forgive me if you feel like that). You need to think realistically about the issues that you will face and the obstacles.

I suggest you refer to this thread although below is an excerpt:

Also, Allah’s Messenger commanded the young people to marry, and advised those of them who could not afford it to fast as a means of controlling their sexual desire. Ibn Mas’ood (radhiy’Allaahu anh) reported, “We were with Prophet while we were young and had no wealth whatsoever. So Allah’s Messenger said:

“Young men, those among you who can afford marriage should do so, for it helps lower the gaze and guard the private parts (from zina). And those who cannot afford it should fast, for fasting is a repression (of desire) for him.”

(Al-Bukhari, Muslim and others)

Similarly, Anas (radhiy’Allaah anh) reported that the Prophet said:

“You should marry. And those who cannot afford it should fast, because it restrains their desire.”

(At-Tabarani (in al Al-Awsat) and ad-Diya ul-Maqdisi. Verified to be authentic by Al-Albani (Sahih-ul-Jami’ no. 4058)

And Uthman (radhiyAllaahu anh) reported that Allah’s Messenger said:

“Anyone among you who has the ability should marry, because it helps lower the (lustful) gaze and guard the private parts. And whoever cannot afford it should fast, because fasting is a restraint (of desire) for him.”

(An-Nasa’i. Verified to be authentic by al-Albani (Sahih-ul-Jami no. 6498)

 

[ATA95]

As-salaamu'Alaykum Brothers. Thank you both for your valuable replies. I really do appreciate it. I definitely have a new perspective on this situation and will focus on the more important things in life like learning more about Islam, reading the Qur'an and staying away from bad things etc. I was not aware that being girlfriend/boyfriend in Islam was haram.

I agree with what issues will arise if we were to be married like with the difference in beliefs and raising of children which I completely understand. I will take this advice on board and will change my ways on this. If there is any more advice you would like to offer please feel free to. Thanks again Brothers.

 

[kashif_nazeer]

:salam2:

Dear little brother of mine,what you are going through is completely normal at your age,these feelings.That is why Islam lays so much importance on lowering the gaze and hijab and segregration.That nips the problem in the bud,cuts it off at it's root.The eye is like a poisoned arrow of shaytaan.What follows it is worse.As sister Tabassum pointed out boyfriend /girlfriend thing is haraam in Islam.So you should avoid such things in future.

I shared this article earlier it had very good tips and advices,I will share it again for you,go through it and I hope you benefit from it inshaAllah.

Getting over a broken heart
Step 1: Accepting Allah’s Qadr

This has got to be one of the toughest tests of qadr. Love muddles your mind and when all you see are the good characteristics of someone it is difficult to see why it is not working out, especially if this is your first real love. How can this brother who is practicing his deen, has a nice beard, soft and caring be wrong for me? How can this sister who is attractive, fun and religious not be my perfect partner?

The key concept to remember here is: you do not know someone until you have lived with them for a substantial time. Even that person does not know what they are like and how they will react in certain situations. Just because you have these elated feelings of love does not necessarily mean this is the right person. Marriage is a struggle and people develop themselves and change with the experience. Only Allah knows your compatibility, only Allah knows what situations you will face and your reactions. Only Allah knows whether or not this marriage will bring you closer to Him or distract you from the real purpose in life. It is only Allah who knows. Have trust in Allah that He has made the right choice for you. For no matter how much this person claims their love for you or vice versa, know that no one can love you as much as Allah.

So firstly, make dua to Allah to ease your pain and help you be content with His qadr. The following is my favorite Hadith regarding qadr as it really fills you with the awe of Allah and His infinite wisdom.

“Allah `azza wa jall said: ‘Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by being inflicted with poverty, and were I to enrich him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by wealth and affluence, and were I to deprive him, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by good health, and were I to make him sick, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he whose faith cannot be rectified except by disease and illness, and were I to make him healthy, it would surely corrupt him. Verily, from amongst My slaves is he who seeks worship by a certain act but I prevent that from him so that self-amazement does not enter his heart. Certainly, I run the affairs of My slaves by My Knowledge of what is in their hearts. Certainly, I am the All-Knower, All-Aware’.” [Tabarani]

Step 2: Awareness of the love-drug syndrome

An interesting study was conducted comparing drug users to people who claimed to be “madly in love”. They found that brain scans showed people who are in the first stages of love and people who are high on cocaine have the same areas of the brain stimulated while looking at a picture of their “beloved”. In other words, being in the first stage of love is similar to being high on drugs! With drugs, you are not in love with the powder itself – you are in love with the feelings that it gives you.

Similarly, the thing that we love is the special attention, the butterflies in the stomach, the acknowledgment that someone cares about us in a special way, looks at us in a special way, thinks about us in a special way – the constant day dreaming about the future and daily scenarios. So it is not that this person is perfect, it is that this person allows us to feel all these emotions which are addictive. In reality we are not in love with the person, we are in love with Love itself.

Being in love with Love explains how some people overlook major faults in their prospective spouse. I knew a practicing sister who wanted to marry someone who had a drug and alcohol problem. This was because in both cases these “faults” were discovered during the first butterfly phase of love and not before. Alhamdulilah, by the qadr of Allah the marriage did not take place, but it was due to circumstances, not because the sister had realised that they were not a suited match.

Awareness of this love-drug syndrome has two major benefits. Firstly, awareness is power and it breeds hope. Once you are aware that it is the feelings you are attached to, realise you can actually get them elsewhere.

These feelings are not specific to this one person; you will get these feelings with your new, more suitable prospective partner – the one that Allah will put into your life at the right time insha Allah. Love clouds your mind and makes you think that you will not find this strong love and passion with anyone else. But this is simply not true. You will find this love to be even stronger and more passionate with the right person (the one that is written for you in the Lahw al Mahfooz).

The second benefit is knowing that just like a drug-user naturally has withdrawal symptoms when they stop, you too will naturally have withdrawal symptoms, and it will be difficult. Getting over someone is emotionally painful so don’t be too hard on yourself, validate your feelings and allow yourself time to heal. Know that this is common – nearly everyone goes through heartache at some point in their lives, and eventually recover with time.

As a side point: It is not a sin to fall in love; it is a natural emotion which the human species depends on! If you did sin in the process then repent to Allah, He is the Most Forgiving, Most Merciful. Love is a powerful emotion, which is why there are boundaries in Islam. If you have fallen outside those boundaries, repent and move on.

Step 3: Be proactive

Allow yourself time but also get proactive! Marriage is just one of the many aspects of your life; it is not the be all and end all of things. What are your aspirations? What do you want to achieve in your life? Write down a list of goals you want to achieve by the end of the month and get started on them right away. As Muslims, our continuous goal is striving to get closer to Allah, so working on your eman and your relationship with Allah must be included in some way. Focus your attention on moving forward rather than wasting time with something that “could have been”.

Step 4: Move on

In the spirit of being proactive, the last stage is to actively open your heart and mind to someone else. This could be difficult, as naturally comparisons will creep in, but again realise the fact that it has not worked out means that Allah has someone better suited for you. As illustrated in the famous Hadith of the birds:

“If you depend on Allah with due reliance, He would certainly give you provision as He gives it the birds who go forth hungry in the morning and return with a full belly at dusk.” [Tirmidhi]

Allah will provide for you but you have to get up and get moving again. Just like the birds, go out and seek. Make the effort on your part and leave the rest to Allah and His infinite wisdom.
Source: http://islamic-quotes.blogspot.com/2...ken-heart.html

When you attach your hearts to mortals,all you get is pain,misery,heartache ,restlessness etc.
When you attach your heart to Allah all you get is eternal bliss,everlasting joy,happiness,contentment,peace ,tranquility and everything that is good.
So attach your heart to Allah and it will never be broken.

 

[al-fajr]

As-salaamu'Alaykum Brothers. Thank you both for your valuable replies. I really do appreciate it. I definitely have a new perspective on this situation and will focus on the more important things in life like learning more about Islam, reading the Qur'an and staying away from bad things etc. I was not aware that being girlfriend/boyfriend in Islam was haram.

I agree with what issues will arise if we were to be married like with the difference in beliefs and raising of children which I completely understand. I will take this advice on board and will change my ways on this. If there is any more advice you would like to offer please feel free to. Thanks again Brothers.

Wa-alaykum assalam wa rahmatullaah,

I had a question if thats okay? How did you decide to follow Islaam? You said you converted last month..

At the moment I’ve been looking in how to pray etc and learn more about Islam (since I converted to Islam last month). I also have been seeking guidance from Allah (SWT) by talking to him about this situation but don’t fully know what to do. I know I’m young and that there are many fish in the sea but there’s this one girl that I believe is the one. I understand it is ultimately up to Allah (SWT) on what happens.

Stick around inshaAllaah, there is much to learn and we welcome you to the community here.

 

[saifkhan]

When a guy and a girl are alone (yes, even online) shaytaan is the third person trying to make the two of you fall in a trap.

as-salam 'alaikum

ah, this is the think one brother, a student of knowledge, I hear he said,
a girl and a boy, if they are alone, third one is shaytan, whether it is a room or chat room, because we can't say that shaytan can't deceive us.

i hope everyone knows the actual hadeeth, insha Allah

wassalamun 'alaik

 

[ATA95]

Wa-alaykum assalam wa rahmatullaah,

I had a question if thats okay? How did you decide to follow Islaam? You said you converted last month..


Stick around inshaAllaah, there is much to learn and we welcome you to the community here.

I have sent a post in one of the topics on the journey to Islam but I'll put it here again for your convenience. Here it is...

As-salaamu'Alaykum Brothers and Sisters. Here is my journey to Islam. I was raised a Christian as I lived with my mother after my parents became divorced. In my early teenage years I didn't feel religious as in the sense that I didn't have a specific belief in any one religion except that I strongly believed in a one and only God. My mother and her side was Christian whereas my father and his side was Muslim.

My father often talked to me about how I should investigate Islam and his views on a few issues like how the conflicts (which are absolutely devastating and should have never happened) in Iraq and Afghanistan are only occurring because of resources such as oil etc. So I talked to both my mother and father about religion and where I should go.

Obviously my mother wanted me to become Christian while my father wanted me to become Muslim and therefore couldn't get an answer that wasn't bias towards their own faith. This was one of the big problems of the whole decision making process since I had to accept that I couldn't please both my parents as I can't be Christian and Muslim at the same time.

Before confirming my belief in Islam I had always from a young age prayed every night to God and talked to Him about many things like before covering to Islam I would seek guidance from Him on which religion was the correct and authentic one. Since I was in a Christian family I had already known everything about Christianity so I began to investigate Islam by reading The Complete Idiot's Guide to Understanding Islam by Yahiya Emerick and watching videos by The Deen Show (which I recommend as those videos are quite good).

While I was investigating Islam I began to refer to God as Allah and began to see the clear picture that Islam was in fact the truth. In my heart I knew that Islam was for me and was so happy. When I confirmed my belief in Islam I did it by the process of elimination as I knew straight off that most of the religions in the world today were false like Atheism and Scientology.

So it came down to the three largest religions in the world: Islam, Christianity and Judaism. I crossed out Judaism for many reasons, one being that they didn't believe in Jesus (PBUH). So it was down to Christianity and Islam. I struggled to believe in the trinity as how could there be one God that was in three forms?

Then original sin I didn't believe in since everyone is responsible for their own actions not someone else's. Then finally the belief that a priest can take away your sins despite how bad they are. It simply didn't make sense and wasn't logical. So it finally came down to Islam. The true and authentic religion revealed from Allah (SWT). When I converted on the 23rd of July 2011, it was one of the greatest days of my life that I will never forget. I had found the truth. That is my journey to Islam. I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading. I wish everyone the best in this world and the hereafter. Ameen.

 

[Ahsen]

These all g/bf stuff,why don't people realise that it's not made to work this way.Teens are unexperienced with life and fall in the traps of shaytan.

 

[Just a Guy]

:salam2:

I suppose that this is where me never having had a serious relationship will work to my advantage but honestly I'm not really sure that it is such an advantage.

 

[strive-may-i]

:salam2:

Firstly you are showing enough maturity of mind, Kudos for that! 15 is very very early in life to think about a life partner, in today's society. if you look around there are enough kids from non-islamic background, who have a similar opinion about teen age love. Your post title says it all Teenage relationship situation. So you are creating it? and she has no interest in it....!!!

Yes i stress that 'Todays society'. There is enough distortion out there about love and life. There is a lot of loneliness that makes every teen look for a partner and i strongly feel its just the hormones kicking in, together with the emptiness of life, they have felt as kids

Are you mistaking like with love. In life you (a guy) will meet lot of people, who seem a perfect fit for you in many aspects, and the hard part is some could be guys some would gals. Am sure being a guy , you would call the other guy , your brother or friend.... Just because you like a guy, would you turn gay!

if she says, she is not ready for it, she is not ready for it.
And if you say, you are into Islam to be ready for it [hereafter ], you better be ready for it!!

. There surely must be some good in that other gal, don't wrong her! Get your act right. Be a man that makes your dad proud, turns your moms faith...., Grow up...from a boy who is pleased by a gal... to a man that pleases his Almighty, (and then pleases a lady who pleases Almighty.. Aameen)

May Almighty bless us all ...