Assalamu Alaikum brother El Gordito,
To begin with, let me apologize for not writing more on your issue in my earlier posts. I hope I'm able to give some advice that will -after the grace and mercy of Allah the Almighty- help ease your situation.
To begin with, Muslim men are allowed to marry chaste women of the People of the Book [i.e., Jews and Christians]. Please refer to verse 5 of Chapter 5 of the Qur'an [
Surat al-Maa'ida] to check this out. Of course, it would be much better if she would accept Islam, but if she remains a Christian then you're not sinning by staying in this marriage.
However, I fear that her behavior might adversely affect your commitment to Islam. You described some of her actions as follows:
post #1:
she has begun to get violent (pooring water on my head in my sleep, and slapping me in my face in public places)... lots of screeming and shouting...
post #16:
she still has bottles of Wine Coolers in the fridge, and posters and pictures of people on the walls... and a DVD collection that most people would forbid their teenagers to see
post #16:
and to make matters worse, she has called her entire family, and told them that i am going to be a "terrorist" and going to things which i explained to her were totally against everything the Qu'ran stands for...
she tried to call my family also
I am also concerned that if you have children from your present wife, she might teach them to disobey your teachings and instructions about Islam, and it is your duty as their father to teach them how to worship God Almighty in the only way He accepts, and that's through the religion of Islam.
Here are some suggestions that will -God willing- help you:
1- Begin with inviting her to a romantic place where you two are alone. A place that both of you have fond memories of. Begin by saying how much you love her and that becoming a Muslim doesn't change that good things in you, but will only do away with the bad habits you have [God willing].
2- Let your actions speak for you. Acquire good qualities [and keep and strengthen the ones you already have] and implement them in your daily life with her. Be kind, generous, truthful, ready to give help when she needs it and surprise her with unexpected gifts [among other things]. Try to lose the bad habits you have.
3- If she begins the topic of how "strange and foreign Islam is" [in her view] then quote to her that the Roman Catholic Church has issued some statements that shows her view being wrong.
To read these statements and views, please click on the following two links and read the posts I've written there:
http://www.imanway.com/en/showthread.php?t=4070
[posts 1, 2, 4 and 11]
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20320
[posts 1, 21, 27 and 29]
But use this as a last resort. We Muslims should not look for or seek the approval of other religions or institutions. The Book of Allah, the authentic sayings of His Prophet [peace be upon him] and the understanding of the Companions of these two sources are perfectly adequate to us. If quoting Qur'anic verses does not convince your wife that we Muslims worship the Lord of Adam, Noah, Moses and Jesus [peace be upon them all] then only should you quote the above mentioned opinions of the Catholic Church.
4- If there are certain places you used to go with your wife, or certain things both of you did on a regular basis [such as sailing], then continue these practices. It goes without saying that the activities I referred to must not be prohibited in Islam.
5- Explain to her that you do not approve of the "DVD collection that most people would forbid their teenagers to see" because you [rightly] feel jealous, and that this hows how much you love her. This is a healthy kind of jealousy, and that any decent man [whatever his religion] will feel very offended if his wife kept such a DVD collection.
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The violent reaction of your wife [to you becoming a Muslim] may have a lot to do with how the mainstream media portrays Islam to the masses in America and the rest of the Western world. And the only way to dispel such a notion is through you being patient and showing her [with your actions] that you have become better as a man as a result of Islam.
If, however, your wife does not change her ways after all your efforts, then this may have a bad effect on your religion since, at a time of weakness, you might give in to her demands that go against Islam [such as not praying or allowing her to go partying and clubbing...etc].
For this, I ask you to reflect on the following translation of the meanings of the words of Allah the Almighty:
Say: If your fathers, your sons, your brothers, your wives, your kindred, the wealth that you have gained, the commerce in which you fear a decline, and the dwellings in which you delight are dearer to you than Allah and His Messenger, and striving hard and fighting in His Cause,[1] then wait until Allah brings about His Decision (torment). And Allah guides not the people who are Al-Fâsiqûn (the rebellious, disobedient to Allah).
[Translation of the meanings of the Qur'an 9:24]
Your love of Allah, His religion and His commands must outweigh your love of your wife. And if it comes to a point where you must choose between her and Islam [if she insists on the ultimatum you mentioned in post #1 or if she doesn't correct her rebellious and abusive attitude towards yourself] then make it perfectly clear to her that you're not willing to forsake the pleasure of your Lord for all the pleasures of this world.
I hope it will not get to that point, but if it does, then you'll have to be prepared for it.
Two more pieces of advice:
1- Seek the aid of a good Muslim scholar who's experienced in dealing with these issues. He'll most probably have better advice that I have given.
2- Click on the following link to hear a lecture by Abdur Raheem Green on how he became a Muslim. There's a section where he explains how his non Muslim girlfriend had bad effects on him.
As a side note, a Muslim should not publicly state his sins [even the ones committed before becoming a Muslim]. Therefore, please do not take Mr. Green's lecture as evidence that it's allowed to do that.
You'll also view a lecture by Aminah Assilmi. That's really inspiring and will -God willing- help you.
The folowing is a link to a post of mine containing Green's and Assilmi's words:
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showpost.php?p=124736&postcount=9
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I leave you in Allah's care and protection. May Allah ease your pain, resolve your problems and reward you handsomely in this life and in the Hereafter.
Aameen.
Your brother in Islam,
Bluegazer
