why do mother-in-law and daughter-in-law fight?

[slaveofAllah88]

:salam2:

i saw this threat on another forum so i just thought i see wat opinion do ppl have on this forum regarding this social issue

i am unmarried, so i m not talking about myself.

1. not all our sisters are like that

2. i understand its not easy to adjust with everyone.

But....
why many of them fight? we, men, like that our daughter love her husband and wife love her mother.

but why as a wife she dont want that her husband love his mother and as a mother that her son dont love his wife.

they make the poor man a sandvich between them. As he loves his mother and wife and cant leave any of them.

why dont they stop quarelling for the sake of their son/husband whom they love too? why mother forget that she was a young wife and why wife forget that she will be an old mother someday?

its so much in india/pakistan (i dont know about other places). i really feel pity for those men.

PS: not all sisters are bad and not all brothers are good. i love all good bro's and sis' for the sake of Allah.


My Thoughts
Its such a complicated topic, and usually these fights lead to a destruction in a house hold, im not married but this is wat i have observed lol its kinda weird talkinga bout it but lets see if this is what everyone else has noticed too.
What i noticed mostly that when a wife comes, the mother in law feels like the wife is taking over the house hold, lol maybe the mother who developed the house with such love and passion , its now being moved along to the 2nd generation, so she might feel threatned and also in alot of situation mother in laws think they know the best and try to force all of her ways on the new wife.
Man this is such a problem that i feel like there are very few houses safe from this problem

ANywayz What are your opinions

 

[dilek]

As I guess it is only because of the ladies' nature

 

[m1511]

Well it is said that the reason is basically the lack of discrimination of self and son for the mother - when we look at that side ofcourse- It is not easy for the mother to share the precious son with another lady. I am not married either but I observed that as a sister in law I felt a little bir jealous about my brother, the changes in his behavior- simple ones like the music he likes and so on - even surprised and dissapointed me. Marriage was like seperation of him from me so maybe mothers feel the same way.
From the bride side- again due to my observation- implying the differences between the two families - like the level of education or wealth - probably disturbs them and makes them feel as an alien in the family.
whatever the cause is this will not end. For the men what not to do is transferring words between wife and mother. this is the main mistake as I oberve. Especially old aged mothers are very resistant to change so men please do not try warn the elderly about their bahavior instead expect tolerance from the wife saying and knowing that old ones are just like children (they really are)
May Allah give peace to all homes and families.

 

[nawfal.m.rouyan]

Here is a story related to me by someone who always find faults with her daughter in law. As usual the relationship between those two weren't great.

One day she stayed at her son's place. While her son was at work and it was time for Zuhr prayer, she saw with her own eyes how after her daughter in law finished Zuhr prayer, she helped her daughters to pray by kneeling beside her daughter and listened her daughter recite surahs and zikrs at every step, correcting her daughter if she made mistakes.

Once her first daughter finished, she did it again with her younger daughter. They have 2 daughters at the time. This she did while she was like 7 or 8 months pregnant.

The mother in law was shocked at what her daughter in law did. She confessed that she has never done what her daughter in law did to any of her children. Not long after that, her daughter in law had some errand so she had to leave the house, she asked her mother in law to make sure her daughters to pray. She admit that she can't follow what her daughter in law did so what she did was become an Imam for both her granddaughters when its time to pray that day.

From that incident, she never find faults of her daughter in law ever again. Sorry, english is my 2nd language so I hope you guys can understand my story .

 

[slaveofAllah88]

:salam2:

As I guess it is only because of the ladies' nature

i dont think all ladies fight or like to argue maybe im not getting ur point properly

Well it is said that the reason is basically the lack of discrimination of self and son for the mother - when we look at that side ofcourse- It is not easy for the mother to share the precious son with another lady. I am not married either but I observed that as a sister in law I felt a little bir jealous about my brother, the changes in his behavior- simple ones like the music he likes and so on - even surprised and dissapointed me. Marriage was like seperation of him from me so maybe mothers feel the same way.
From the bride side- again due to my observation- implying the differences between the two families - like the level of education or wealth - probably disturbs them and makes them feel as an alien in the family.
whatever the cause is this will not end. For the men what not to do is transferring words between wife and mother. this is the main mistake as I oberve. Especially old aged mothers are very resistant to change so men please do not try warn the elderly about their bahavior instead expect tolerance from the wife saying and knowing that old ones are just like children (they really are)
May Allah give peace to all homes and families.

True, you made a good point i thnk the main point is adjusting to the change , cuz a new person in the family brings her own traditions rules and custom to the family her life style and the husband will be influenced by it or try to implement things in his life which might make the other house member feel as a surprise or disappointed as you said.

But sis i just wanted to ask, instead of the husband being patient with the harsh words from both sides, he should do justice and point out the mistake wit her mom or wife ?
and try to maintain a balance, a good wife helps her husband fulfill his duty to his parents and good parents help their son fulfill all the duties of the husband to their wife.
I have seen in many cases parents use guilt to control their son, and try to make sure the wife doesn't change their son, But I think parents shud consider changes positive and let the couple have their own life as well?
what do you think?

 

[slaveofAllah88]

Here is a story related to me by someone who always find faults with her daughter in law. As usual the relationship between those two weren't great.

One day she stayed at her son's place. While her son was at work and it was time for Zuhr prayer, she saw with her own eyes how after her daughter in law finished Zuhr prayer, she helped her daughters to pray by kneeling beside her daughter and listened her daughter recite surahs and zikrs at every step, correcting her daughter if she made mistakes.

Once her first daughter finished, she did it again with her younger daughter. They have 2 daughters at the time. This she did while she was like 7 or 8 months pregnant.

The mother in law was shocked at what her daughter in law did. She confessed that she has never done what her daughter in law did to any of her children. Not long after that, her daughter in law had some errand so she had to leave the house, she asked her mother in law to make sure her daughters to pray. She admit that she can't follow what her daughter in law did so what she did was become an Imam for both her granddaughters when its time to pray that day.

From that incident, she never find faults of her daughter in law ever again. Sorry, english is my 2nd language so I hope you guys can understand my story .

:salam2:
JazakAllah khair for sharing the story i think thats the point a change brough by a new member of the family can be good as well and changes brought by a wife shud be looked in more of a positive manner than OMG she is trying to take over the house/son lol
but then it comes down to the husband as well , A advice that one of my beloved scholar Sheikh Ahmed Deedat gave to the men of this ummah is that, If the girl is better in deen than ur mother and sister at home than only she deserves to be your wife.
I hope u understand the point he is trying to make,

And something a frenchman once said about the nature of the women, he says: "women can do anything because they govern those that govern everything"

JazakALlah khair

 

[rightpath_357]

well- its pretty basic. i think they get jealous and defensive- cause the mom loves her son, and the wife loves her husband.

 

[slaveofAllah88]

well- its pretty basic. i think they get jealous and defensive- cause the mom loves her son, and the wife loves her husband.

:salam2:

You are right, thats why i think both mother and wife should know their rights and limits according to Islam and the husband as well so he can fullfill them to the best of his ability and prevent such conflicts

 

[q8penpals]

Salam

I think there are too many reasons why to sum the answer up in one thought.

There are mothers who think their sons are "theirs" forever and no one can ever take care of their babies like they did, so they will never be happy with any wife the man takes.

There are wives that think that when they marry a man that he becomes "hers" forever and she doesn't want to share.

There are men who are too wishy-washy to be men.



Masha'Allah, I have 3 mother-in-laws now and they all love me (and I love them) - granted, we don't see any of them often (and 2 don't speak a lot of English!), but they have never forced my husband to choose between me and them (although, they do tend to make him take sides against each other!). I will even say that my first mother-in-law (from ex husband) and I got along just fine as well.

I think there is a lot of culture in why they don't get along. Many cultures (not Islam, cultures) still see wives as property of men, and therefore MIL's just see DIL as a piece of property and not a feeling human being either. And in some cultures, a son obeys his parents until the day they die, even at the detriment of his wife's wishes.

A man needs to be a man; I use this as an example: let's say a man's mother wants him and his wife to come over for iftar every night during Ramadan; nice idea, but the wife's mother wants them to come over to HER place for iftar every night during Ramadan. What to do? Many men will cave to their own mothers (thereby making the wife upset, and the wife will blame the MIL); what would seem obvious is to go on alternating days to each set of in-laws, but that would take the man having to be firm (not mean, or grouchy) with his mother and telling her that they have to be "shared" for Ramadan iftars, and the same with the wife. Neither will be 100% happy, but neither will be 100% upset either.

 

[allah is with me]

well..
some of them do fight, weather it is direct or indirect..
the people who do not know a lot about islam fight..
and who know about islam, they indeed get a smiling face, and be calm..
example if a daughter-in-law is islamic, and if mother-in-law is fighting, then she does not know a lot about islam, in nthis case daughter -in-law, should treat her very good, and explain about islam..
and if this happens to mother-in-law, then she should should explain daughter-in-law....

 

[JustTruth]

The same reason any people fight; distance from Allah The Exalted.

Fighting mainly results from anger and anger mainly results from the influence of Iblis and his cohorts.

Defeat Iblis and resist the temptation to fight by drawing nearer to Allah The Exalted, insha'Allah.