Family dillema

[Annox]

Hello,

Before I introduce the topic, I must say, TTI so far has impressed me. It certainly lives up to the promise of delivering good information regarding Islam; I'm quite pleased that I'm able to understand Islam further, without the confusion of legitimacy brought on from biased opinions (even though I did run into some biased and inaccurate information regarding science here, but I'll ignore that for now)

So on to the topic:

I have a younger sister who is an year younger than me. She converted to Islam about two years ago, and she is happily married to another convert from the states who converted about 8-10 years ago. I should probably point out that she didn't convert for her husband; she states it was because of God. Which is acceptable, I don't have any problem with that. To each his/her own, I suppose.

However, I do have a slight problem with her husband. Before my sister was married, we were somewhat close. She was the first one in my family to know that I am an atheist, and she accepted me entirely; even after she converted.

After she married though, she slowly became quite distant. When I confronted her about it, she sort of beat around the bush about her marriage life being tough. I know that marriage life is tough, I've been married once, and am now a single father. So, I am very well experienced in that field.

The reason why I have a slight problem with her husband, is because when I spoke with her, she mentioned to me that her husband doesn't quite respect the fact that I don't believe in God. He believes that this puts her faith in danger. He claims that each time I visit my sister, or she visits me when her husband isn't around, she always returns to her husband with questions about religion which he can not answer, or has a very tough time answering. I admit that my sister and I quite often do have a discussion about religion, but I don't believe it's harmful.

I reassured my sister that I had absolutely no problem with her being a Muslim. I believe that a person should be allowed to believe in whatever they like, say whatever they like, and do whatever they like; as long as it's not hurting anyone else. But, he is pretty insecure about letting his wife speak to any other man......even though that other man happens to be her older brother. I know.....doesn't make sense to me either. Her husband has put a limit to her visitation, and she is following his word without question, because she insists that it is the duty of a Muslim wife to listen to her husband fully and respectfully.

So, after a long anecdote, I want to know, why is it that a husband has such authority over a woman in Islam? I understand that it's the role of a man to be the alpha male in a family, but even when I was married, I wasn't this strict. I lead my family very well and I was very reasonable.

 

[jaffarabduraheem]

Hi Annox,

In Islam we believe that in order for the husband to actually fulfill the role of leader of the household or for anyone to lead anything, someone must follow. While I can't comment on your situation, I will note that all of the marriages I have ever seen fail were due to there being too many leaders.

Inversely it is absolutely incumbent on the leader to accept advice and compromise with the followers, especially the wife. The heart of the situation rests with peace in the household. Pleasing one's family and the people around us, after prescribed acts of worship, are priority 1 in Islam.

While it definitely is sad that your contact with your sister is being restricted, you must realize that the priorities of a Muslim don't necessarily match up with that of an atheist, even so logical a one as yourself.

If I may offer a piece of advice, I would suggest that instead of sending your sister home with difficult questions that you and she attempt to find the answers on your own. Her husband seems like the type that is content with the knowledge he has and he probably feels threatened by the unanswerable questions.

As always Allah is the best knower and all the good of what I've said is of Him while any mistakes are my own.

 

[Annox]

jaffarabduraheem,

Thank you for the prompt response! I appreciate it. A couple questions did arise while reading your response, and I'll just quote them.

Hi Annox,

In Islam we believe that in order for the husband to actually fulfill the role of leader of the household or for anyone to lead anything, someone must follow. While I can't comment on your situation, I will note that all of the marriages I have ever seen fail were due to there being too many leaders.

Yes, that's correct. A leader must have a follower to be labeled as a leader; that is part of the definition of leadership. However, I don't understand what you mean by having too many leaders. Perhaps you can elaborate a bit.

The way I see it, marriage is a partnership. While the man is the head of the household, the wife should still have a strong voice. As an analogy, it's like a King and Queen ruling a kingdom.

Inversely it is absolutely incumbent on the leader to accept advice and compromise with the followers, especially the wife. The heart of the situation rests with peace in the household. Pleasing one's family and the people around us, after prescribed acts of worship, are priority 1 in Islam.

While I agree with the first part, I'm left to wonder, if pleasing one's family is priority one in Islam, why then am I out of the equation? Why should my sister be given the choice to choose her husband over me? I understand that it's her husband, but the restriction that was sentenced upon her is contradicting.

While it definitely is sad that your contact with your sister is being restricted, you must realize that the priorities of a Muslim don't necessarily match up with that of an atheist, even so logical a one as yourself.

How so?

If I may offer a piece of advice, I would suggest that instead of sending your sister home with difficult questions that you and she attempt to find the answers on your own. Her husband seems like the type that is content with the knowledge he has and he probably feels threatened by the unanswerable questions.

Again, I have no issue with his confidence in religion, but I don't understand why he feels threatened. Since, he is the one who is content. I mean, if he really is satisfied, there isn't really anything to be threatened by. My sister, is not content, and I believe that she at least should be allowed to listen to what the other side has to say.

As always Allah is the best knower and all the good of what I've said is of Him while any mistakes are my own.

No, I don't think your guilty of making a mistake. You did provide with some valid and reasonable answers. Thanks again for the prompt response

 

[nori suja'i]

let me just try to clarify yr situation with yr little sister. she could be uncomfortable eversince she found out that u're an atheist, as an atheist is one that rejects the existance of god n for muslim, atheists normally are smart talker so that's why her husband worried if she gets close to u, she could be influenced by u to be like u (an atheist). another thing as a muslim, we're not encourage to argue about our religion but by explaination is enough already.
for her to follow whatever her husband says, for me it's ok as he's taking over her parent's responsibilities in looking after her well being as long as her husband performing Allah's command, she must follow his adviced.
in Islam a wife must ask her husband's permission anytime if she wants to leave the house, i do that. nowadays since we lived in a modern world n everywhere, anywhere seems too much freedom until we take everything so easily. If i leave my house, my husband did'nt know because he's away working but, he could feel better if i just give him a call or sms since the communication now already advanced .
(in Qur'an Allah and His Angels curse a wife who leave her house without permission from her husband).
i'm sure a reasonable husband sure will permit his wife to go out if necessary for the family.

wassalam

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Islam also stresses the need for us to remain close to kin. There are all varieties of people. I am reading a little jealously into what you have written.
This is the faith of Love and Peace. Just becasue we are Muslim does not make us perfect.

Men of all faiths restrict their wives from seeing other men. Men are possessive. Strange creatures from Mars.

You seem very verbal and enjoy discussion. It maybe that your borther-in-law does not like to engage is discussions. It may threaten him by the kind of question you ask...it puts you sister at odds.

Suggestion now that you have us...let me tell you we love to debate and discuss and rant and rave...question us..

and love your sister..so she does not have to be put in a position of pleasing her husband at the price of hurting her brohter

 

[Annox]

let me just try to clarify yr situation with yr little sister. she could be uncomfortable eversince she found out that u're an atheist, as an atheist is one that rejects the existance of god n for muslim, atheists normally are smart talker so that's why her husband worried if she gets close to u, she could be influenced by u to be like u (an atheist). another thing as a muslim, we're not encourage to argue about our religion but by explaination is enough already.

Well, my sister knew that I was an atheist long before she converted. I certainly don't impose my belief system onto her, and if her husband disallow his wife to get close to her blood brother, because of the suspicion that I may influence her, that to me seems a bit fascist.

Salaam,

Islam also stresses the need for us to remain close to kin. There are all varieties of people. I am reading a little jealously into what you have written.
This is the faith of Love and Peace. Just becasue we are Muslim does not make us perfect.

Men of all faiths restrict their wives from seeing other men. Men are possessive. Strange creatures from Mars.

You seem very verbal and enjoy discussion. It maybe that your borther-in-law does not like to engage is discussions. It may threaten him by the kind of question you ask...it puts you sister at odds.

Suggestion now that you have us...let me tell you we love to debate and discuss and rant and rave...question us..

and love your sister..so she does not have to be put in a position of pleasing her husband at the price of hurting her brohter

Well, I see where you are coming from regarding my initial post implicating jealousy, but truth be told I'm not really jealous; just a bit frustrated. I respect her marriage, but I disrespect the restriction and the reasons behind it. I'm sure anyone would feel that way when it comes to blood relatives.

 

[ShahnazZ]

Annox,

I truly sympathize with what you're going through and I'm extremely sorry that you're going through it. I believe that no one in this world, regardless of their status, has the right to suppress and disallow blood relationships from being maintained and I speak from first-hand experience that this thing occurs quite frequently. I love my religion first and foremost, but I always say this:

Islam isn't crazy...PEOPLE are.

Although I do understand why your brother-in-law is threatened by you, he shouldn't restrict his wife from meeting you because you ARE her brother and cutting off family relations is haram. Like I said, I understand his reasoning but I do believe he is going about it all wrong. If his wife has questions, he should do his best to get them answered, if not by himself then by a scholar. But by disallowing contact with you, he's not realizing that this could actually push her away from Islam because she DID have her family before she had Islam.

Honestly, you say that you respect her marriage and her being a Muslim and I think that that is the basic point of what I'm saying. If you didn't respect either of those things, then maybe he would have good reason to disallow her contact with you. But since you're respective of both, his reasonings diminish slowly. And if you were just a friend, then it wouldn't be that bad of an idea. But you're her brother and her blood and your presence shouldn't be ignored.

However, I think that if compromises must be made and he's refusing to make them, then you should and I think you should do it by not discussing theology with her. Don't say anything to her to make her doubt Islam; if you doubt it yourself, you can always ask questions on the board or elsewhere and that would probably give you the answers that you need so that you wouldn't have to talk to her about it. But clearly her husband does not want her doubting the faith, so maybe you should do your best to avoid that subject then. Either way, she's your sister and you should always maintain contact with her.

 

[a_muslimah86]

Hi Annox...

As with all laws..and teachings of religion...there will always be those to misintrepret them and hop on the extremity-train of the issues and never get-off it...

This would include the "authority" issue in households...

The Prophet (pbuh) had said (this is my translation) "Do good upon women..for they are your helping partners"...and at another instance the Prophet (pbuh) had said..."Indeed, women are the twins of men..does not honor them but the honorable..and does not degrade them but the varmint"...

If you look at these two hadiths...you will see that the bond of marriage...is not strictly an authoritative one...like you said...it is a "partnership" which is filled with a balanced array of respect..understanding..and compassion towards each other...

But I will refer back to my point which I stated at the beginning...both men and women..try to twist things around sometimes...men by trying to be controlling of everything...and women by trying to out-power men...

As for your brother-in-law...if he has a problem with what you belief...and fears his wife will get affected or influenced by that...I think it is only courteous that he talks to you..and respectfully ask you not to discuss religious issues with her...I don't think with what sounds to be an understanding nature...you will think any less of him...or mind what he says...or not respect it!...especially if he told you *why*..and you sensed that it is an important matter to him...

This way...you can all be comfortable with each other...

I also think that he should not so insecure about his faith and your sister's faith...if either of them have questions regarding their faith..they should ask them...to learn more..and to be on solid ground when it comes to them...and as Aapa mirajmom said...kinship is HUGE...in Islam...and a Muslim cannot cut ties of kinship purposely...and should they see an issue that they do not feel comfortable about...they will try to solve it or come to an agreement about it

Perhaps...it wouldn't be a bad idea...if you try to speak to your brother-in-law...and ask him what bothers him?...and if he brings up atheism or your religious discussions...you can make an agreement with him...just to let him know that you mean no harm..and that you simply had questions and things on your mind which you wished to conversate about with your sister...maybe he'll be comforted by you *telling* him that *yourself*...and then whatever fears he'd *created* in his mind...will disappear...

I hope that he will realize that he is not doing any good by staying away from you..and encouraging your sister to do that..under the excuse of *a wife will listen to what her husband asks her to do*...kinship...is beyond things like that!

Your concern might solve the issue as well...

Let us know of any developments...

Take Care

 

[dianek]

2 things....
1. When we (men or women) get married and especially here in tIhe US, we get busy with life and immediate family.....so it is natural to see a gap in time spent with brothers and sisters. My brother and I are both married and never speak on the phone and really only see each other if our paths should cross at mom's.

2. I worry that if your brother-in-law is so strict with her about her visiting her brother of all people, is it possible he is abusive or over controlling to his wife? As her brother you are mahram, I think the term is, legal for her to visit and be alone with.

 

[Annox]

I appreciate everyone who have responded to take the time and respond. I think in the end, I'll just wait it out and see what happens. If the situation gains even more of a negative momentum, I'll confront my brother-in-law about it.

2 things....
1. When we (men or women) get married and especially here in tIhe US, we get busy with life and immediate family.....so it is natural to see a gap in time spent with brothers and sisters. My brother and I are both married and never speak on the phone and really only see each other if our paths should cross at mom's.

I understand and accept the birth of a natural gap of time, once a couple marries. What I don't understand, is the unusual style of restriction put on her. That is quite superfluous; and I call it such because of what little time my sister and I had to socialize with one another, it is now greatly reduced.

2. I worry that if your brother-in-law is so strict with her about her visiting her brother of all people, is it possible he is abusive or over controlling to his wife? As her brother you are mahram, I think the term is, legal for her to visit and be alone with.

I doubt that he is abusive, although that thought has crossed my mind. I'm very dubious of this because whenever I do manage to speak to her face to face, I see no signs of any sort of abuse. I'm as well quite certain that she isn't hiding anything because as a psychology major, I've had extensive training in body language; so I've grown to be very perceptive. Based on what I've seen, there is no contradiction between her verbal expression and her non-verbal gestures when I bring up her family.

If, however, there is such abuse, then I'm afraid my brother-in-law and I will have a big problem.

 

[dianek]

She is very lucky to have you as a brother! But you know as a psych major that women don't always perceive things as controlling or abusive....some women think a man controlling her is sweet, says how much he loves her.....etc. But you know best. I hope he will overcome his own issues and back off her relationship with you. To ME....BLOOD is thicker than water and I would not let my husband LIMIT my relationship with any family member.

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Please brother forgive my poor communication. I was thinking that your brother in law may be jealous of you. You appear to be an amazing man who is handling a lot of responsibility. You appear to be a deep thinker..some men are intimidated by that.
Too, I have discovered that some people like to delve into the deeper aspects of life and others like to live. There is little appreciation of the deep thinkers..we are often considered boring and more boring and sometimes the most boring in the world. Jocks don't dig existentialism.
So chill and have a cook out and talk about the game with him.

 

[Almeftah]

Dear Annox;

I'm sure you'd feel the same if you were in his shoes, So please don't blame your sister for she has obligations toward her husband.

I susggest you talk to the husband and try to let him know that he has nothing to worry about.

I know its wrong for anyone to try to have a sister away from her brother, but i'm also sure that theres no reason for you to worry about your sister.

In Islam a wife must obey her husband, and some husbands have been using that for the wrong reasons, Just go talk to him and try to be friends.

Hope things turn out ok..

 

[Annox]

She is very lucky to have you as a brother! But you know as a psych major that women don't always perceive things as controlling or abusive....some women think a man controlling her is sweet, says how much he loves her.....etc. But you know best. I hope he will overcome his own issues and back off her relationship with you. To ME....BLOOD is thicker than water and I would not let my husband LIMIT my relationship with any family member.

Yes, you're absolutely right. From what I've studied, women are more attracted to personality than looks; where as men are more attracted to looks than personality. Part of the reason why women prefer to stay in an abusive relationship is because attraction is something that is part of the unconscious. No one really has a conscious control over who and what they are attracted to. It's how we have evolved. Once that attraction is triggered, no matter what anyone says, no amount of logic is going to shake it; unless of course the female is able to finally grasp at the reality at hand. Simply put, attraction is not a choice. The concept goes much deeper than what I have just exposed to you, but the reason why I'm giving a brief of the subject is because I don't think it'll be of any use from my part if I just simply attempt to talk her out of an abusive relationship. If in any case I find that she is indeed being abused someway, I'll have to take sort of a therapeutic route.

Salaam,

Please brother forgive my poor communication. I was thinking that your brother in law may be jealous of you. You appear to be an amazing man who is handling a lot of responsibility. You appear to be a deep thinker..some men are intimidated by that.
Too, I have discovered that some people like to delve into the deeper aspects of life and others like to live. There is little appreciation of the deep thinkers..we are often considered boring and more boring and sometimes the most boring in the world. Jocks don't dig existentialism.
So chill and have a cook out and talk about the game with him.

You know, that's not a bad idea. A cookout should allow some time for me to engage in a truce.

Oh and it's okay. It seems I was the one who misunderstood your previous post.

 

[Annox]

Dear Annox;

I'm sure you'd feel the same if you were in his shoes, So please don't blame your sister for she has obligations toward her husband.

I susggest you talk to the husband and try to let him know that he has nothing to worry about.

I know its wrong for anyone to try to have a sister away from her brother, but i'm also sure that theres no reason for you to worry about your sister.

In Islam a wife must obey her husband, and some husbands have been using that for the wrong reasons, Just go talk to him and try to be friends.

Hope things turn out ok..

I understand. Thank you for the best wishes