I don't think I ever want to get married...

[sal12]

Assalamu alaikum,

Im 24 years old, never been in a relationship. Most of my friends have and still are unislamically. I've never talked about marriage to them, marriage regarding myself because I never really think about it to be honest. Anyway yesterday I met up with a close friend who I've not seen since she got married because she moved away. We still keep in touch and stuff. Anyway she was telling me that I should start looking for someone etc. This is the first time I've properly thought about marriage and talked about it.

My problem is that I don't know if I even ever want to get married. I don't even want to have kids. I'm just too selfish and I don't want to have any responsibilities. I just want to live my life the way I want to live. But at the same time I may regret it and it'll be too late. I've been thinking about it since yesterday and say if I decide to find someone, I wouldn't know how to do it. I don't know any potential's and my parents don't know anyone either. I'm only allowed to marry an afghan since I am one but we don't know any. Personally I would marry from any culture but it's not up to me. I definatly do not want to go on those matrimonial websites! Oh and also I'm really picky!!

So it's clear that I am very very confused because

a) I don't know if I even want to get married, at the moment I'm more not wanting to.

b) I can't even imagine having kids (they really annoy me)

c) Say if I do decide I want to marry, I wouldn't know how to go about it.

So anyone here who feels the same or used to feel the same? It would help me so much hearing about your experiences. I don't know who else to ask!

Jazakallahu khayran for listening to me and look forward to reading your replies!

 

[drimi]

Assalamu alaikum,

Im 24 years old, never been in a relationship. Most of my friends have and still are unislamically. I've never talked about marriage to them, marriage regarding myself because I never really think about it to be honest. Anyway yesterday I met up with a close friend who I've not seen since she got married because she moved away. We still keep in touch and stuff. Anyway she was telling me that I should start looking for someone etc. This is the first time I've properly thought about marriage and talked about it.

My problem is that I don't know if I even ever want to get married. I don't even want to have kids. I'm just too selfish and I don't want to have any responsibilities. I just want to live my life the way I want to live. But at the same time I may regret it and it'll be too late. I've been thinking about it since yesterday and say if I decide to find someone, I wouldn't know how to do it. I don't know any potential's and my parents don't know anyone either. I'm only allowed to marry an afghan since I am one but we don't know any. Personally I would marry from any culture but it's not up to me. I definatly do not want to go on those matrimonial websites! Oh and also I'm really picky!!

So it's clear that I am very very confused because

a) I don't know if I even want to get married, at the moment I'm more not wanting to.

b) I can't even imagine having kids (they really annoy me)

c) Say if I do decide I want to marry, I wouldn't know how to go about it.

So anyone here who feels the same or used to feel the same? It would help me so much hearing about your experiences. I don't know who else to ask!

Jazakallahu khayran for listening to me and look forward to reading your replies!

Esselamu alejkum
Well if you are sure that you're never going to fall in zinna than your marriage is sunnah but if you are afraid to fall in zinna than your marriage is fardh.About that what you said you can't even imagine yourself having children that's really for sorry because a man who does not love children, he is neglecting the best gift from ALL-LLAH to a muslim couple.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

You say you have friends who are in un-Islamic relationships. That should tell you something. Think of most of the advertising...it is geared towards matching. If you listen to any popular music..it is about love love love. In the duyna everyone is searching for love. The movies that make the most money always have a romantic component and the couple in love will marry.


Marriage is a construct found in all societies and faiths. You say children annoy you..too bad. You will get over it once you hold your own.

Go to the masjid and make an announcement. There are millions of women available. Ask you mother; there are websites. Word of mouth. And prayer.

 

[revert2007]

Assalaam walaikum,

You say you have friends who are in un-Islamic relationships. That should tell you something. Think of most of the advertising...it is geared towards matching. If you listen to any popular music..it is about love love love. In the duyna everyone is searching for love. The movies that make the most money always have a romantic component and the couple in love will marry.


Marriage is a construct found in all societies and faiths. You say children annoy you..too bad. You will get over it once you hold your own.

Go to the masjid and make an announcement. There are millions of women available. Ask you mother; there are websites. Word of mouth. And prayer.

Assalamualikum.

I guess it should be"There are millions of men available."

It is a sister according to her profile.

Allah knows the best.
Assalamualikum

 

[Mila]

Salam Alaykum I use to feel the same but now i find myself praying to Allah for this everyday.Hope this helps to enlighten you bro

The most important benefit of marriage is that it is a protection for one's deen from the trials and tribulations of this world. Rasoolullah addressed the youth of this Ummah saying: " Whosoever amongst you has reached the age of sexual ability must get married. For marriage lower's ones gaze and protects one's private parts."

Especially in this day and age of mischief when there is no sign of modesty, marriage is the strong rope through which one may hold to his or her deen firmly and tightly. It helps one excel and progress in their Deen.

Marriage in Islam is a recommended as a religious requirement.

"Marry those among you who are single and (marry) your slaves, male and female, that are righteous" (Quran 24:32)

Prophet Muhammad (S) declared:

"When the servant of Allah marries, he has fulfilled half the (responsibilities laid on him by the) faith; so let him be God conscious with respect to the other half". (Mishkat)

Marriage has also been commended as the way of the prophets.

"We indeed sent messengers before you (O Muhammad), and We assigned them wives and children" (Quran 13:38)

Marriage, in fact, is specifically considered the tradition (sunnah) of Prophet Muhammad (S) when he declared:

"Marriage is my Sunnah, whoever disregards my (sunnah) path is not from among us". (ibn Majah)

Islam discourages celibacy and encourages marriage, as Prophet Muhammad (S) recommended:

"Whoever is able to marry, should marry". (Bukhari

 

[sal12]

Jazakallahu khayr for your replies,

But I'm not a man! Haha! I'm a woman. That's why I posted on the Sisters thread.

Let's leave the kids issue out of it for now because I can't have kids without getting married anyway so talking about marriage first is what's important. I just don't know what I want to do.

Maybe what I should have told you is that my parents are very strict when it comes to marriage and very set in their ways. They strongly oppose me finding someone myself, they want to find someone for me...they think that's the right way. I hide a lot from them (even though I don't do anything bad) but it's the only way in order to get out and have a life. Even if it means meeting up with mates I have to lie about where I'm going.

So that's another issue, I cannot tell my parents that I have found someone because they would think of me as a slag or something (I'm being totally serious). They're very strict. It's not my mums fault she's like that, my dad never used to let her out and now she doesn't like going out so she thinks the world is what it was 20 years ago. And my dad is still the same. So since I cannot find anyone, going to an imaam and saying, "I want to get married but I'd have to run away from home." is what I'd have to do. I mean that's just ridiculous so I'm unable to go to an imaam. The websites are a no no because I cannot introduce him to my parents as they'd kill me. And my parents don't know anyone suitable either.

There is no answer for my issue. That's why I've never thought about it as it's too much hassle and not anything I can do and possibly the reason I've been put off the whole thing. All I can do is pray insha'allah and that's literally it. But I don't know what to pray for as I don't know what I want. Lol! Complex eh!

Jazakallahu khayran

 

[ShyHijabi]

:salam2:

Sister, I just wanted to make you aware this is not in the sister's section but in the "his and her world" area where anyone can see it. Do you want it moved? Let a mod know if so.

 

[samiha]

But I'm not a man! Haha! I'm a woman. That's why I posted on the Sisters thread.

:salam2:

I apologize I can't reply to this thread at the moment (I am a silent lurker for now) but please do let me know if you would like the thread moved to the Sister's Only section. This is the "His and Hers" area and like sister ShyHijabi said - it is open to everyone (hence the confusion I assume).

I Pray Allaah eases your affairs.

wasalam

 

[sal12]

No I don't mind who sees it I just want an answer as I don't have one. I know it's difficult to answer because it's too complicated but leave it on here I don't mind.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

First please accept my apologies.

As Muslims we have to be honest at all times. You need to inform your parents. Why does the brother not ask his father to speak to your wali. This is an age old method. Let the families start the talking. There would be no barriers.

Your parents should be honored that a proposal is coming their way with no effort on their parts.

Pray sister and ask Allah to ease your path. And put your faith in Allah.

 

[al-fajr]

Assalamu'alaykum

There is no answer for my issue. That's why I've never thought about it as it's too much hassle and not anything I can do and possibly the reason I've been put off the whole thing. All I can do is pray insha'allah and that's literally it. But I don't know what to pray for as I don't know what I want. Lol! Complex eh!

Not really. You should pray that Allaah does what is best for you. Just because you yourself dont see a way out of a situation doesn't mean there isn't one. Make du'aa and trust Allaah to make a way for you and above all, be content.

I know people who get so caught up and worried about this topic, they forget their purpose, life is way too short.

 

[hayat84]

:salam2:
maybe Allah gave what you wished:you don't want to get married at the moment(there is no man who is interested at you);you think that children annoy you(no man-no children);and you don't know what to do after.
So what's the matter?Allah gave you what you aspected,you are alone for your wish,but if you hoped to have a more reason in your life,you should have hoped to realize yourself by making a family:it's the best thing that Allah granted to His creatures.I'm only 25 years old but I'm happily married and have 3 children:they fill my days with happiness because I imagine them when they will grow up and fly away making another family(IN SH ALLAH).
Sister,when you'll realize that one day you'll get older and sick,none will take care of you,maybe that day you'll say that it was better to have those "boring" children!:astag:

 

[sal12]

I don't get caught up in it since I've never talked about it, it's just now because my friend made me talk about it and now it's on my mind. I was never one of those that bothered about it, in fact it's so out of character to talk about it or even think about it. I'm a strong believer in the fact that Allah makes things happen and gives us a way out in situations that we could have never ever thought of because I've seen it happen too many times in life. I also believe that whatever happens, there is a reason for it and it's always from Allah and consequently I'm quite calm and laid back and do not suffer from stress or anxiety alhamdulillah (though my posts may not back this up!).

Nevertheless I aint getting any answers here apart from pray and be patient which is what I already know. And ramadan will insha'allah be an opportunity to do more of these acts. Jazakallahu khayran everyone anyway!

 

[sal12]

:salam2:
maybe Allah gave what you wished:you don't want to get married at the moment(there is no man who is interested at you);you think that children annoy you(no man-no children);and you don't know what to do after.
So what's the matter?Allah gave you what you aspected,you are alone for your wish,but if you hoped to have a more reason in your life,you should have hoped to realize yourself by making a family:it's the best thing that Allah granted to His creatures.I'm only 25 years old but I'm happily married and have 3 children:they fill my days with happiness because I imagine them when they will grow up and fly away making another family(IN SH ALLAH).
Sister,when you'll realize that one day you'll get older and sick,none will take care of you,maybe that day you'll say that it was better to have those "boring" children!:astag:

This post sounds to me like you're offended by what I have posted. TTI is the only place I can be honest and I'm being true to myself and my feelings though they are quite mixed up and on this issue has been for years. I've posted to ask for answers, not to offend anyone. Alhamdulillah I'm glad that you know what you want and what makes you happy. I don't and that's why I've posted it here.

 

[hayat84]

:salam2:
I make you my excuses,I didn't want to offend you,I was making a reflection trying to give you more trust to yourself.in each case,if you dislike my post I'll delet it,sorry

 

[Asja]

Assalamu allaicum wa rahmatllah wa barakatuhu

My dear sister, I am very sorry to hear for your feelings and situcaion, but all I can say is that you put trust in Allah,and make dua to Allah to change your feelings, because I feel that marriage is blessing of Allah, and especialy children, All praise be to Allah, how He is Mercyfull and how He creates everything so beautifully. Allah wish to put love and mercy in our hearts trough marriage and our children. Only make dua to Allah sister,and you know Allah changes hearts for better of who He wish.

May Allah help you my sister in everything,and make you good wife and mother one day. ameen summa ameen

 

[sister herb]

:salam2:

It is true that not everyone wants children and then it is better to respect kind of opinions. It doesn´t help anyone if every others just repeat that "you will change your mind etc." Me too, when I was young knew I don´t want any and now when I am older, still think the same. Maybe that was just better choice to me.

I also weren´t sure if I ever want to marry but this one I later decided and married. But I never got kids and I am not sorry about it.

To you dear sister I hope you will find your own way how you like to live your life. Because as you know - it is your life, not anyones else.

 

[sal12]

:salam2:

It is true that not everyone wants children and then it is better to respect kind of opinions. It doesn´t help anyone if every others just repeat that "you will change your mind etc." Me too, when I was young knew I don´t want any and now when I am older, still think the same. Maybe that was just better choice to me.

I also weren´t sure if I ever want to marry but this one I later decided and married. But I never got kids and I am not sorry about it.

To you dear sister I hope you will find your own way how you like to live your life. Because as you know - it is your life, not anyones else.

How did you feel when you got married? How did you know it was the right choice? What made you go through with it if you weren't sure what you wanted?

 

[sal12]

:salam2:
I make you my excuses,I didn't want to offend you,I was making a reflection trying to give you more trust to yourself.in each case,if you dislike my post I'll delet it,sorry

No there's no point in deleting it because I've already read it. It's the last part of your post which made me think that you're offended by how I feel. But it's ok I'm not offended, everyone's entitled to their opinion which is why I've posted my question on a public site.

 

[sal12]

Assalaam walaikum,

First please accept my apologies.

As Muslims we have to be honest at all times. You need to inform your parents. Why does the brother not ask his father to speak to your wali. This is an age old method. Let the families start the talking. There would be no barriers.

Your parents should be honored that a proposal is coming their way with no effort on their parts.

Pray sister and ask Allah to ease your path. And put your faith in Allah.

Sorry I'm confused, there is no proposal. I think you might have misunderstood...