salamo alaikom
to make a long story short. I have sinned. I committed a huge sin. I committed Zina. Not only did I lose my honor and now live in fear but I feel dirty. I feel disgusted and grossed out. I am scared that if I repent for what I did Allah may never forgive me. I have transgressed against Allah repeatedly. Under His Eye I have committed what He hates the most. He Asks His servants to protect their honor. I have by choice done the opposite. I was weak with the person I love. Even though he promised marriage to me. I now fear that Allah will never make it happen as a punishment to both of us. I am afraid Allah will cause me to be scandalized as a punishment for my transgress. I cannot pray. I cannot read Qura'an. I feel filthy. I feel I don't deserve to stand in front of Allah to ask him anything. Don't say repent. Repenting means leaving the sin you have been committing. I don't know if I will have the heart to. I love the person I committed the sin with. He loves me too. But we were both weak. Things are hard and we both weakened. I hate myself. I feel like a hypocrite. I don't know how I will call myself a Muslim anymore. I don't know how I will wear my hijab and walk out of the house. I don't know what to do or where to go. Confusion and worry are eating me up. I want to go pray to Allah. But something stops me. I am weak and dirty. I have repented and asked for forgiveness from Allah so many times but I still go back to the same things I do and times I do worst things. My heart aches. I cannot even hear a talk about religion. Hear athan. Or talk about Allah or Islam. I feel like I don't have the right to do that. I am not worth it. I fear Allah's wrath. I know I should have feared it before I committed anything. But I was too caught up in doing what pleased me. I am a horrible person. I am disgusting. I wish I can disappear. Just go to a place far away. I don't see anybody. Hear anybody. Know anybody. Just be alone. All alone. I really wish that I can. I don't know why I am writing this here. But I am about to explode. The thoughts are making want to go crazy. Just run out of the house aimlessly. I wanted to say something. Steam-off. Get yelled at. Anything. I don't want to suffer in silence. I don't know what I want actually. I am in a hurricane of thoughts. I can't even utter a single prayer for myself. I don't know what to do. I really don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
to make a long story short. I have sinned. I committed a huge sin. I committed Zina. Not only did I lose my honor and now live in fear but I feel dirty. I feel disgusted and grossed out. I am scared that if I repent for what I did Allah may never forgive me. I have transgressed against Allah repeatedly. Under His Eye I have committed what He hates the most. He Asks His servants to protect their honor. I have by choice done the opposite. I was weak with the person I love. Even though he promised marriage to me. I now fear that Allah will never make it happen as a punishment to both of us. I am afraid Allah will cause me to be scandalized as a punishment for my transgress. I cannot pray. I cannot read Qura'an. I feel filthy. I feel I don't deserve to stand in front of Allah to ask him anything. Don't say repent. Repenting means leaving the sin you have been committing. I don't know if I will have the heart to. I love the person I committed the sin with. He loves me too. But we were both weak. Things are hard and we both weakened. I hate myself. I feel like a hypocrite. I don't know how I will call myself a Muslim anymore. I don't know how I will wear my hijab and walk out of the house. I don't know what to do or where to go. Confusion and worry are eating me up. I want to go pray to Allah. But something stops me. I am weak and dirty. I have repented and asked for forgiveness from Allah so many times but I still go back to the same things I do and times I do worst things. My heart aches. I cannot even hear a talk about religion. Hear athan. Or talk about Allah or Islam. I feel like I don't have the right to do that. I am not worth it. I fear Allah's wrath. I know I should have feared it before I committed anything. But I was too caught up in doing what pleased me. I am a horrible person. I am disgusting. I wish I can disappear. Just go to a place far away. I don't see anybody. Hear anybody. Know anybody. Just be alone. All alone. I really wish that I can. I don't know why I am writing this here. But I am about to explode. The thoughts are making want to go crazy. Just run out of the house aimlessly. I wanted to say something. Steam-off. Get yelled at. Anything. I don't want to suffer in silence. I don't know what I want actually. I am in a hurricane of thoughts. I can't even utter a single prayer for myself. I don't know what to do. I really don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!