Marriage Advice Needed

[ATA95]

Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters, I hope you're all in good health and are going well. I haven't visited TTI for a while and want to first give a quick update... Since late October last year I've been praying five times a day and it's been a massive achievement! It feels good to be fulfilling the Salah. In summary, I'm fulfilling all of my duties as a Muslim to the best of my ability. Anyway I just want to ask for some general advice about marriage. Last year I met a Muslim girl who I've fallen in love with. I made a dua to Allah for me to meet my future wife within two weeks and just a few days later I met her. We talk on the bus with each other once a week and I've gotten to know a lot about her. She's everything I want in a woman and I'd like to marry her. I'm almost 18 and she's about 19½. Problem is that I'm not sure how to ask her for marriage and am not financially able to support another person yet. Do I tell her face to face I want to marry her or do I go through her wali? Also I live with my mother who is Christian. While my father is Muslim, he practices little of the deen. These factors make it much harder. On the financial aspect, is it okay if she accepted to marry, for us to live with our parents until I'm financially able to support us living together? Thanks for your help.

 

[Aisya al-Humaira]

Wa`alaykum as-salaam wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh,

Alhamdulillaah that Allaah has given you strengths to carry out your obligation as a Muslim. Regarding your marriage wish, be a Muslim gentleman and talk to her wali, not to her. Prior to that, you need to think though how you plan your marriage to be in case inshaa Allaahu Ta`ala her wali agrees that you both get married. Plans as in about your and her education, about how you are going to support your wife, are you going to live together etc etc.

These are just your own plans for the future but in the end, everything will go as Allaah's Plans and know that His Plan is the best.

I wish you well in your good intention to get married early, inshaa Allaah.

Wa`alaykum as-salaam.

 

[ATA95]

Thanks for your response sister, much appreciated. How am I meant to get into contact with her wali?

 

[a_stranger]

Assalamu alaikim wa rahmatu Allah wa barakatu

Congratulation son for carrying on your duties towards the one who created you, Alhamduli Allah for his guidance.to control yourself for the sake of Allah is a true victory. If your parents are ready to support you and your wife till you can depend on yourself this is great. I think you can ask her or better some one who knows her about her wali and his address .Continue to pray and don't forget us in your duaa.

 

[wannabe_muttaqi]

ASAK bro,
Good to hear that you are trying your best to follow the deen of ALLAH SWT. I am suggesting this as i am older to you and i do understand where you come from.

Marriage is not something like i saw a girl , i liked her and then i marry her. I am sorry to say that it is not as simple as that. It is a responsibility and you will be tested with that. At this point of time from what i read and understand, you are not in a position to take care of her financially. You are dependent on your parents and likewise she is also in the same position. If one of you had stable earning then it would be ok to go ahead.


According to the hadith Prophet SAWS said (i am summarizing it, not the exact words) one who can marry should marry and the one who cannot he should fast. So you fall under the category of "one who cannot marry" here so i would suggest you to fast and stay away from that girl as it helps you from getting rid of this thought. I would suggest you to finish your studies and get a job and then you can take this step.

My 2 cents

May ALLAH SWT make it easy for us to take right decisions. Ameen.

Wassalam

 

[ShahnazZ]

A lot of young Muslims who strive to get married are told to wait until they're financially stable along with certain education requirements. For many of these Muslims, they are forced to drag this whole thing out until they reach the "specified level" of independence. What happens to many of them?

They fall into zina.

The brother's haya and preservation of his deen is more important than financial independence. There is nothing wrong with them having a nikkah and then continuing to live with their parents until he's financially able to support her.

Priorities are what matter and deen over dunya comes first.

 

[Wanryoku Sugoi]

Assalamualaikum brothers and sisters, I hope you're all in good health and are going well. I haven't visited TTI for a while and want to first give a quick update... Since late October last year I've been praying five times a day and it's been a massive achievement! It feels good to be fulfilling the Salah. In summary, I'm fulfilling all of my duties as a Muslim to the best of my ability. Anyway I just want to ask for some general advice about marriage. Last year I met a Muslim girl who I've fallen in love with. I made a dua to Allah for me to meet my future wife within two weeks and just a few days later I met her. We talk on the bus with each other once a week and I've gotten to know a lot about her. She's everything I want in a woman and I'd like to marry her. I'm almost 18 and she's about 19½. Problem is that I'm not sure how to ask her for marriage and am not financially able to support another person yet. Do I tell her face to face I want to marry her or do I go through her wali? Also I live with my mother who is Christian. While my father is Muslim, he practices little of the deen. These factors make it much harder. On the financial aspect, is it okay if she accepted to marry, for us to live with our parents until I'm financially able to support us living together? Thanks for your help.

Congratulations on finding/going back to the path of Allah.

Congratulations again for praying 5 times a day. I believe there was a hadith that stated prayer is the first thing Allah will ask you about on the day of judgement after who you used to worship. If this task is not completed, Allah will tell the scribes to not even bother looking at your other deeds.

Don't worry about money. Money is nothing more than a means-to-an-end for the true believer.

As for how to confess? You made duwa, and u got her. To me, that looks like an obvious clue Allah left you. So just tell her. If it works out then masha allah. If it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be. You can both walk away from it as a learning experience insha allah.

 

[ATA95]

Assalamu alaikim wa rahmatu Allah wa barakatu

Congratulation son for carrying on your duties towards the one who created you, Alhamduli Allah for his guidance.to control yourself for the sake of Allah is a true victory. If your parents are ready to support you and your wife till you can depend on yourself this is great. I think you can ask her or better some one who knows her about her wali and his address .Continue to pray and don't forget us in your duaa.

Thanks for your reply sister, I'll take note of your advice, I appreciate your response.

 

[ATA95]

ASAK bro,
Good to hear that you are trying your best to follow the deen of ALLAH SWT. I am suggesting this as i am older to you and i do understand where you come from.

Marriage is not something like i saw a girl , i liked her and then i marry her. I am sorry to say that it is not as simple as that. It is a responsibility and you will be tested with that. At this point of time from what i read and understand, you are not in a position to take care of her financially. You are dependent on your parents and likewise she is also in the same position. If one of you had stable earning then it would be ok to go ahead.


According to the hadith Prophet SAWS said (i am summarizing it, not the exact words) one who can marry should marry and the one who cannot he should fast. So you fall under the category of "one who cannot marry" here so i would suggest you to fast and stay away from that girl as it helps you from getting rid of this thought. I would suggest you to finish your studies and get a job and then you can take this step.

My 2 cents

May ALLAH SWT make it easy for us to take right decisions. Ameen.

Wassalam

Thanks for your reply brother, I can understand where you're coming from. Marriage is indeed a big commitment and responsibility to undertake. I've read that Hadith numerous times before as well. Thanks again for your reply, I appreciate it.

 

[ATA95]

A lot of young Muslims who strive to get married are told to wait until they're financially stable along with certain education requirements. For many of these Muslims, they are forced to drag this whole thing out until they reach the "specified level" of independence. What happens to many of them?

They fall into zina.

The brother's haya and preservation of his deen is more important than financial independence. There is nothing wrong with them having a nikkah and then continuing to live with their parents until he's financially able to support her.

Priorities are what matter and deen over dunya comes first.

Thanks for your response sister, I couldn't agree with you more. That's right Muslims who delay getting married because they're not financially able to support a spouse end up dramatically increasing the risk of falling into committing zina which unfortunately often happens. Deen is always more important than financial independence. Thanks again for your advice, I'll definitely take note of it.

 

[ATA95]

Congratulations on finding/going back to the path of Allah.

Congratulations again for praying 5 times a day. I believe there was a hadith that stated prayer is the first thing Allah will ask you about on the day of judgement after who you used to worship. If this task is not completed, Allah will tell the scribes to not even bother looking at your other deeds.

Don't worry about money. Money is nothing more than a means-to-an-end for the true believer.

As for how to confess? You made duwa, and u got her. To me, that looks like an obvious clue Allah left you. So just tell her. If it works out then masha allah. If it doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be. You can both walk away from it as a learning experience insha allah.

Thanks for your reply brother, it feels great to be praying five times a day. I agree that it is definitely a clue or sign of some sort Allah has left me. Either way Allah knows what is best for both of us and His plan is always the best.

 

[islamdonlyway]

Walikumsalam. Firstly, mashaallah in starting your daily prayer consistently.

Regarding the marriage issue, i think i agree with the previous comment of the brother who bought up the topic of 'finance' being important. Marriage is not a joke or a lifestyle whereby you can get away with the financial aspects of responsibilities. Marriage contains many financial responsibilities even if your living a low standard of life. I think some of the posters on this thread have misunderstood the issue of finance. Know one is telling you to be a doctor or raise a certain amount of money for a flash wedding. Rather, the point that is trying to made is that it is best to have a full-time job (average job) just so you can sustain yourself and your family. I find it really un-realistic the thought of having a wife/family and have no job, specially in a western country where running even a basic life-style is causing many to subscribe to anti-depressant tablets. Regarding the 'zina' issue the sister made, i do agree that this is a big issue in our society. The solution for this is to balance the books out. By balancing i mean, finishing studies and getting an average job so you can maintain your family. I am not perpetrating that one has to become a doctor or raise a huge sum.

Anyways, this is my opinion. Allah knows best, so just make dua to him for guidance.

 

[hayat84]

salam 'alikum,I'll spend some words trying to be helpful.you've the chance to be muslim and practising,this is a great goal of your life.Liking a girl for her beautiness is one of the steps which can lead to marriage or simply to material pleasure.
I think that money is not everything in this life,obviously the future wife should have every comfort for not feeling she's missing something.if you think that she is the woman you want to marry(i'll be romantic but realistic)try to count how many times you think to her.if your mind is filled of the thought for her,then you're in love but not ready to marry her yet.if your mind has space to think to something else,then you should talk to her wali.maybe I'm wrong,but by experience it would be better if you declare your real feeling directly,so that you can have a response without involving someone else..when my husband confessed his love for me and his wish to marry me it was the best gift I had in my life.He wanted to grant me everything I needed to be happy,but after many years I've understood that his love was enough to be satisfied,the house,the money,are something plus.you're a little young to take this path,but I hope for you that she is the person who'll be closer to you.
What I can tell you is "don't think too much to her:you'll finish to forget eating,drinking,sleeping

 

[Precious Star]

Walikumsalam. Firstly, mashaallah in starting your daily prayer consistently.

Regarding the marriage issue, i think i agree with the previous comment of the brother who bought up the topic of 'finance' being important. Marriage is not a joke or a lifestyle whereby you can get away with the financial aspects of responsibilities. Marriage contains many financial responsibilities even if your living a low standard of life. I think some of the posters on this thread have misunderstood the issue of finance. Know one is telling you to be a doctor or raise a certain amount of money for a flash wedding. Rather, the point that is trying to made is that it is best to have a full-time job (average job) just so you can sustain yourself and your family. I find it really un-realistic the thought of having a wife/family and have no job, specially in a western country where running even a basic life-style is causing many to subscribe to anti-depressant tablets. Regarding the 'zina' issue the sister made, i do agree that this is a big issue in our society. The solution for this is to balance the books out. By balancing i mean, finishing studies and getting an average job so you can maintain your family. I am not perpetrating that one has to become a doctor or raise a huge sum.

Anyways, this is my opinion. Allah knows best, so just make dua to him for guidance.

This is very good advice.

As a husband you are the head of the family in every way. This does not mean you must be rich or must be "financially stable", as others have said, but you must be able to support a family.

If a crisis happens, you must have the emotional and physical maturity to deal with it. For example, lets say your wife becomes very sick in the early years of your marriage - are you going to be able to physically and financially support her?

What if your parents all of a sudden need your help? Their health deteriorates or your father loses his job (not uncommon in this economy)? Are you going to be able to support everyone? Keep in mind that it is not a simple case of mathematics or accounting. Financial responsiblity carries with it emotional burdens. It is not easy to pay bills, keep a job going, and also be an emotional resource to those who depend on you.

That is why a teenage husband is not always ideal.

Furthermore, I must say one thing. "Falling into Zina" is a CHOICE. It is not an inevitability. Waiting until you are independent or financially and emotionally responsible does not mean you WILL fall into zina. It means that you will have to maintain self-control. Allah SWT has made us higher than the common animal. We have self-control. No where in the biology textbooks does it say that delaying sexual intercourse results in promiscuity. I myself am in my 40s and I've never "fallen into zina".

You have a choice as to whether you wish to engage in extra-marital sexual intercourse. It is not axiomatic that you will do so. Don't buy into that trap.

 

[Aisya al-Humaira]

Assalamua`alaykum wa rahmatullaahi wa barakaatuh,

True that a young man financially unstable and looking forward to get married need to think wisely, thoroughly and deeply. However, it is not by withholding him to make his next move in the process to get married due to the lacking in many aspects. It is the nature (fitrah) for a human to eat daily despite how busy, how poor, how sick that person is. Likewise it is the fitrah of every human being to get married. Of course getting married isn't as simple as eating but the main point is to not go against one's fitrah either by prolonging or withholding it.

Yes, zina is a choice but know that all of us who have been saved from such haraam is only due to the help of Allaah. Not because we have greater imaan nor we are stronger in controlling ourselves. Can be so sure that tomorrow we won't do haraam things that displeases our Lord? Indeed we can't but we as Muslims will always STRIVE every single second in our life to act on that which pleases Allaah.

This hadeeth, the hadeeth of Ibn Mas’ood رضي الله تعالى عنه where the Prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said: “By the One, other than Whom there is no god, verily one of you performs the actions of the people of Paradise until there is but an arms length between him and it, and that which has been written overtakes him, and so he acts with the actions of the people of the Hellfire and thus enters it.”
Reported in Saheeh al-Bukhaaree, The Book of Tawheed (Belief), (كتاب التوحيد), Hadeeth (#7016). Also reported other places in Saheeh al-Bukhaaree and Saheeh Muslim

No matter how pious we are in our whole life, we are unsure on how our ending in this world will be. No matter how good we are today, we are unsure of how we will be tomorrow.

Yes, the economy of today is getting worse and many people are jobless despite their good qualification but the temptations are also greater nowadays. It is as difficult for young men to guard their chastity and many have fallen into the lesser haraam of zina (por*, masturbatio*). We may not know the precise statistics on how many have fallen into such acts but I am sure it is greater than what have been researched. And marriage is the only solution to this. At some point, the scholars even permit to those who are in the category of *waajib* to get married to do so even without the approval of the parents (while taking into consideration on many aspects such as deen wise).

Finishing the education, having a stable job, passing the "matured age" etc is not the pre-requisite to get married. So long that people have this mindset and making it difficult for the youth to get married, the longer social illnesses within our Muslims community will continue. People are scared (or should I say too careful) to get married but are we that scared to prevent haraam from happening?

Brother, every new role/position (as a leader, husband and father someday) comes new and great responsibilities. Likewise for a woman. And with that deep feeling of responsibility will determine on how you will plan and lead your life accordingly. I do not know the level of your maturity but I do know the seriousness of your wish. So start making your future plans, make efforts coupled with constant dua` and tawakkal to Allaah while learning more about the deen (for the time being: the processes and steps to get married, the wedding based on sunnah etc). If Allaah make your path easy for you to get married but yet you fail to carry out your obligations and responsibilities to your wife and family, know that every person is accountable for his deeds in The Hereafter.

 

[islamdonlyway]

walikumsalam.

Sister Aisya- jazakallah for the reply. However, you did you touch on the issue of finance in a realistic manner. The brothers situation is such that he has NO job. How will he maintain his wife/family? unless somehow he finds a box of treasure somewhere. Reagarding the zina issue, our prophet (pbuh) (not exact quote) told us that: if we cannot marry (bad financial reasons can be included here) we should FAST. Fasting acts as a protection against zina.

 

[Precious Star]

No Aisya,

Allah has given us free will. He does NOT control our behaviour. If we abstain from sex outside of marriage it is out of our own individual efforts and will. Allah does not control our behaviour, decisions or desires.

Many, many human beings do not get married. They do not die. They do not become ill. Lack of marriage is not the same thing as lack of food. You will wither and die without food.

The problem with young people today is an expectation of instantaneous gratification. Allah prescribes a timeline for everything and everyone. So this young man does not get married when he's 20, and instead must wait -- oh my goodness! -- till he is 25 or 28 or 30. In the grand scheme of things, that is a drop in the bucket.

 

[ATA95]

Walikumsalam. Firstly, mashaallah in starting your daily prayer consistently.

Regarding the marriage issue, i think i agree with the previous comment of the brother who bought up the topic of 'finance' being important. Marriage is not a joke or a lifestyle whereby you can get away with the financial aspects of responsibilities. Marriage contains many financial responsibilities even if your living a low standard of life. I think some of the posters on this thread have misunderstood the issue of finance. Know one is telling you to be a doctor or raise a certain amount of money for a flash wedding. Rather, the point that is trying to made is that it is best to have a full-time job (average job) just so you can sustain yourself and your family. I find it really un-realistic the thought of having a wife/family and have no job, specially in a western country where running even a basic life-style is causing many to subscribe to anti-depressant tablets. Regarding the 'zina' issue the sister made, i do agree that this is a big issue in our society. The solution for this is to balance the books out. By balancing i mean, finishing studies and getting an average job so you can maintain your family. I am not perpetrating that one has to become a doctor or raise a huge sum.

Anyways, this is my opinion. Allah knows best, so just make dua to him for guidance.

Thanks brother for your response, you've given a good point in regards to the financial responsibility of marriage, I'll definitely take note of it.

 

[ATA95]

salam 'alikum,I'll spend some words trying to be helpful.you've the chance to be muslim and practising,this is a great goal of your life.Liking a girl for her beautiness is one of the steps which can lead to marriage or simply to material pleasure.
I think that money is not everything in this life,obviously the future wife should have every comfort for not feeling she's missing something.if you think that she is the woman you want to marry(i'll be romantic but realistic)try to count how many times you think to her.if your mind is filled of the thought for her,then you're in love but not ready to marry her yet.if your mind has space to think to something else,then you should talk to her wali.maybe I'm wrong,but by experience it would be better if you declare your real feeling directly,so that you can have a response without involving someone else..when my husband confessed his love for me and his wish to marry me it was the best gift I had in my life.He wanted to grant me everything I needed to be happy,but after many years I've understood that his love was enough to be satisfied,the house,the money,are something plus.you're a little young to take this path,but I hope for you that she is the person who'll be closer to you.
What I can tell you is "don't think too much to her:you'll finish to forget eating,drinking,sleeping

Thanks sister for your response, yes I'm definitely sure I'm in love with her. I agree that it's better I tell her directly to prevent involving someone else unnecessarily. Yes I'll try not to think about her too much haha.

 

[ATA95]

This is very good advice.

As a husband you are the head of the family in every way. This does not mean you must be rich or must be "financially stable", as others have said, but you must be able to support a family.

If a crisis happens, you must have the emotional and physical maturity to deal with it. For example, lets say your wife becomes very sick in the early years of your marriage - are you going to be able to physically and financially support her?

What if your parents all of a sudden need your help? Their health deteriorates or your father loses his job (not uncommon in this economy)? Are you going to be able to support everyone? Keep in mind that it is not a simple case of mathematics or accounting. Financial responsiblity carries with it emotional burdens. It is not easy to pay bills, keep a job going, and also be an emotional resource to those who depend on you.

That is why a teenage husband is not always ideal.

Furthermore, I must say one thing. "Falling into Zina" is a CHOICE. It is not an inevitability. Waiting until you are independent or financially and emotionally responsible does not mean you WILL fall into zina. It means that you will have to maintain self-control. Allah SWT has made us higher than the common animal. We have self-control. No where in the biology textbooks does it say that delaying sexual intercourse results in promiscuity. I myself am in my 40s and I've never "fallen into zina".

You have a choice as to whether you wish to engage in extra-marital sexual intercourse. It is not axiomatic that you will do so. Don't buy into that trap.

Thanks sister for your response, I agree that marriage isn't only about being financially stable but emotionally capable of supporting a spouse as well.