Old parents - who takes care of them?

[uniqueskates]

Assalaamualaikum,

Frankly, am under-qualified to comment on this post.. As even i face such issues from my mother once in a while.. It's pretty bad to hear that your father treats you that way sister.. Very bad indeed.. I do empathize and understand how you would be feeling.. I know not of a solution for your problem..

But only thing I can tell you is that Allah(SWT) is watching you, the angels are writing all your deeds down.. And am sure you will be given glad tidings for all your deeds you are doing for your parents.. This is what i think whenever i don't get a good treatment for something nice i have done.. I don't know has the world become this way, because even i feel at times that - people don't see the good things you do, they only want to point out that you are not his, you are not that.. For example if i speak the truth, it's because i am very much scared of Judgment Day and for my personal satisfaction.. Nobody gives a damn whether i speak the truth or not.. They don't care about it.. They are happy with you as long as you say them what they want to hear.. Be it the truth or a lie.. If somebody could help me with this view point of mine, i would be glad?? Pls..

And to you sis Precious Star - I shall keep you in my prayers.
Be patient, think about the scene where you will be standing in front of Allah(SWT), All the prophets(pbu them all), the entire human race.. And the angel of the right-hand side will be telling out your deeds in regard to your parents.. Just imagine how our Allah(SWT) and Prophets(pbu them all) would be happy, with all smiles on their faces[the Prophets(pbu them all)], giving you glad tidings.. [If given a chance i would run down to you give you a hug too elder sis LOL!!]

Peace

 

[MuslimShadow]

Assalamo alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

Sister, you are really precious.A *precious daughter* that i can say for a sure.

May Allah ease your way and give you enough endurance to pass this test of duniya.

Please accept a really BIG HUG from me too.

 

[a_stranger]

Dear brother Strive May I,

If someone spoke to my father, he would disown me. I am 42. He is 79. Do you really think after all these years he is going to be convinced it is not proper to throw an object at your daughter?

And this morning, he did not even acknowledge my presence. I said Salaam and he didn't answer. I asked him how he is feeling and he did not answer. Later this evening he tells my niece how angry I make him and that I don't care about him or my mother! I spent the whole day there, cooking, trying to give my mom a break, and he complains to my niece that I don't care about anyone! He kept asking my niece, "who is going to take care of us? ". Even my niece was shocked, she said to me later "but auntie you are there all the time! "

I forget to mention...today after lunch, I even apologized to my father for crying last night! Even though I was crying because he threw the blood pressure machine at me, but still, I apologized, but it did not make a difference.

Dear sister now I feel myself too smal to advice you . You are teaching us by your noble conduct. Believe me your patience , your care about your parents will lift to a very high position in this life and the other. With deep respect.

 

[strive-may-i]

Assalaamu Alaikum,

Dear brother Strive May I,
If someone spoke to my father, he would disown me. I am 42. He is 79. Do you really think after all these years he is going to be convinced it is not proper to throw an object at your daughter?
And this morning, he did not even acknowledge my presence. I said Salaam and he didn't answer. I asked him how he is feeling and he did not answer. Later this evening he tells my niece how angry I make him and that I don't care about him or my mother! I spent the whole day there, cooking, trying to give my mom a break, and he complains to my niece that I don't care about anyone! He kept asking my niece, "who is going to take care of us? ". Even my niece was shocked, she said to me later "but auntie you are there all the time! "
I forget to mention...today after lunch, I even apologized to my father for crying last night! Even though I was crying because he threw the blood pressure machine at me, but still, I apologized, but it did not make a difference.

80, as good as a 'stubborn child'. Grab your niece. Ask her to "convince" her grandfather to undergo treatment, if "she loves him and is worried about his health".. It could work. Have you tried?

Does anyone in your family friends or relatives know your thoughts in this thread. Are there no family friend or relative, who could help you? Maybe there are, but they don't know, and hence are not sure what your response would be, if they offered help.

 

[Precious Star]

Ok, so I interviewed for the job in another city and it did not work out.

My dad is getting better, but he's still weak.

I asked my mother why no one helped me find a spouse especially as I got older and she said it was not possible because no potential spouse existed. However, she did say that I should find a non Muslim, and "we" will convert him.

This is all very perplexing. I have duties towards my parents but I dont have a duty to do what she is suggesting. Don't parents have duties to us, too, or does that stop at age 18?

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam alaikum,

Sister,

May Allah give you better.

First of all take a break from your parents. A short little break. They are fine. They have family. They can manage without you for a short time. It will be good for them. Why don't you sit down with your sister-in-laws and make some schedule. It will your mother bragging rights..oh look how wonderful my daughter in law's are.

I do not understand why you tolerate your father's rudeness. He is rude. This is not Islamic behavior. Let him know that he is hurtful and mean to you. Let him read my words. His behavior is inexcusable. The Prophet, swas, showed nothing but love and tenderness to his daughters. Remind your father of this. You are his daughter and not his slave. Your soul does not belong to your father. Does he not know how kind you are to him.

As for your mother. Her words are not funny. If that is all she can do for you it is time to say thank you but no thank you. I will take my chances with my Believing family.

May Allah give you ease.

 

[Precious Star]

Assalaam alaikum,

Sister,

May Allah give you better.

First of all take a break from your parents. A short little break. They are fine. They have family. They can manage without you for a short time. It will be good for them. Why don't you sit down with your sister-in-laws and make some schedule. It will your mother bragging rights..oh look how wonderful my daughter in law's are.

I do not understand why you tolerate your father's rudeness. He is rude. This is not Islamic behavior. Let him know that he is hurtful and mean to you. Let him read my words. His behavior is inexcusable. The Prophet, swas, showed nothing but love and tenderness to his daughters. Remind your father of this. You are his daughter and not his slave. Your soul does not belong to your father. Does he not know how kind you are to him.

As for your mother. Her words are not funny. If that is all she can do for you it is time to say thank you but no thank you. I will take my chances with my Believing family.

May Allah give you ease.

Thanks but my dad would disown me if I ever had that discussion with him. I would be persona non grata in their household.

It seems like muslim daughters are the scapegoat for the parents' decision to immigrate to the west. It is not my fault that they made that decision, and I am trying to make the best of being a muslim in a non-muslim country (the only country I have ever known). I have made lots of sacrifices including giving up marriage and children, and earning my own living to the detriment of my well-being, for the sake of my parents' ease and comfort. That is not Islam. That is warped parental psychology. But Islam does not seem to have an answer to that.

My sisters in law do not participate in my parents' lives, other than saying "salam" and washing the dishes when my parents invite them over for dinner (a task that I, unfortunately, loathe). So I have no bargaining power in terms of asking them to agree to a schedule.

I think its all very cruel. It is really easy to say that as an unmarried daughter my obligation is to ensure that my parents are cared for etc, but deep down I know that that is not what Islam has envisioned. If my parents have a right to being cared for, then I do, as well. But they don't see it that way. I remember once we all had a discussion in my parents' kitchen about funerals and creating wills etc, and everyone giggled when I wondered out loud who would be paying for my funeral and taking care of my estate when I died. My dad and brother giggled.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam alaikum,

You dare speak about the choices that many immigrants made.

I know your parents will not disown you. Parents from the subcontinent are drama queens.

Take a break from your family. Trust me, they are not going to suffer. You can take one month off. Call them.

Now, in that month..take the time to refocus on you. I am actually going through that same process at this minute. I find myself getting ready to be very alone. Well, I am deciding how am I going to redefine myself. Where am I going to live? What career choices do I have? I guess I am creating the bucket list. I will be the care-taker of my mother. I'll just put her in the car with me and we will head out.
I am not going to rule anything out.

Just don't get to where I am in terms of looking for a spouse. I just figured out it is not for me. I am too free now. From now on cooking is going to be cereal and yoghourt. I will wash clothes once a week, maybe. My sons are grown and ready to go to school.

Take the time to do serious searching for a spouse. You have a lot to offer a brother. You have so much love to give. Take a month and devote it to you.

 

[Abu-Talha]

assalam alaykum

May Allah reward with good sister stranger and all bro and sisters for good advice, mashaAllah, it seem you have good understanding of issues

but sisters and brothers we must be carefull when we give advice to not sound like giving fatwa, there are rulings to the issue

 

[islamerica]

Assalaamu 'alaikum wa rahmatullaah wa Barakaatuh,

A great injustice has been done against you dear sister. All that you have been doing in taking care of your parents is the responsibility of your brothers. They have a greater responsibility to that than you. Your parents have failed to give you your islamic rights by not treating you equally like theirs sons and by the way they continue to treat you. Your brothers and parents are at fault and in sin for neglecting to get you married young. This was their responsibility as your wali and clearly they have failed to fulfill this obligation. In such a case, the wali or guardianship is passed onto the next of kin who will act in your benefit. In this case, it seems only person left for that now is the local imam. It seems all of your family is using you and abusing you by thinking of you as someone they can have around to do their work and fulfill their responsibility while they go enjoy their lives. What you should do is seek out the local imam, reach out to your friends online and offline and matrimonial sites and get married. Move on and live your life. Your parents will be by themselves at first then hopefully your sons will grow a backbone and do what is right. We all can give you advice but it will be nothing more than that, some from experienced people and other not so. You should seek out the council of a scholar about this. Try one of these inshallah.

Ask sheikh at Huda TV, the phone # there is 002 02 38555 248 9 and email is [email protected].
Fatwa committee in Saudi - http://www.alifta.org/default.aspx
North America council - https://www.amjaonline.org/

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam alaikum,

Brother Abu-Thala,

No one is giving fatawas here.

As to talking to a iman about the issues. They do not respond. Some do not even speak English. An imam made a reference to " when I was growing up in Karachi they did not have ... I am thinking to myself what does that have to do with growing up here. If he had said the moon I would have listened more. They reply to go see sisters. The sisters can not help once their daughters are married. If you live in a city or town with a small Muslim population it is through.

You have the immigrant mentality that the parent will find you a spouse from "home"; and you will be able to break all barriers by marrying someone from their village..which you have not stepped in all your life.

There are caste systems within the Muslim world. The parents do not practice the faith without putting their cultural biases. Men want very young girls. In some Muslim cultures widowers do not wish to remarry. Muslims do not practice the sunna of marrying more than one wife. They have not taken the time to think it through. Now, we know that the prison population is a good place for reverts. Maybe that is what the parents need to search.

As Muslims fail their daughters the devils is fully aware, brother, and knocking on the door.

 

[hayat84]

by my point of view,not only islamic point,I think you should do what you really feel.would you like to take care of your parents?did they ask your help?normally it's the son with his wife,who take care of the parents,but,they have also their own family,how could your brother's wife be able to take care of them?you can't spend your life staying all day-long at home,you're right,you wish to get married in sh Allah.you could pay a person who can take care of them while you go to work and when you come to home you can do it yourself!I'm not in the condition to be helpful,because my parents are younger and healthy.may Allah guide you to find a solution.Wa salam

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam alaikum,

Muslims have been fortunate in the past. Taking care of elderly parents was easy when the extended family lived together. As Muslims follow the way of the nuclear family we have to reexamine what to do.

I know of some who have put the parent in a retirement home. It is easy. They visit daily.

In my family we are in the process of deciding what to do. I am here with my mother. I am blessed. But, she has the right to decide what she wants. We know she can not travel far. Even elongated visits are too much. Once we arrive to our destination the first request from her is to return home. And that is what is the most important. What does the parent consider home. And we have to work around this.

Is the daughter the best care-taker. Once again we have to allow the parent to decide who do they wish to care for them. The process is difficult. An independent person does not wish to give up on their freedoms.

We need discussion on this subject. There is not to be blame on anyone. We do not have Muslim retirement communities. Yet, we have many elderly who are bound to their homes. And what keeps them young and full of hope is being around other Muslims. I see that at the masjids.

InshaAllah, we can have a discussion on what are the options available that are not haraam.

 

[Precious Star]

Assalaam alaikum,

Muslims have been fortunate in the past. Taking care of elderly parents was easy when the extended family lived together. As Muslims follow the way of the nuclear family we have to reexamine what to do.

I know of some who have put the parent in a retirement home. It is easy. They visit daily.

In my family we are in the process of deciding what to do. I am here with my mother. I am blessed. But, she has the right to decide what she wants. We know she can not travel far. Even elongated visits are too much. Once we arrive to our destination the first request from her is to return home. And that is what is the most important. What does the parent consider home. And we have to work around this.

Is the daughter the best care-taker. Once again we have to allow the parent to decide who do they wish to care for them. The process is difficult. An independent person does not wish to give up on their freedoms.

We need discussion on this subject. There is not to be blame on anyone. We do not have Muslim retirement communities. Yet, we have many elderly who are bound to their homes. And what keeps them young and full of hope is being around other Muslims. I see that at the masjids.

InshaAllah, we can have a discussion on what are the options available that are not haraam.

I agree with all this, but the issue in this thread is whether a muslim woman has an obligation to forego any chances of marriage and motherhood if her parents want her to, and in order to take care of her parents. I am not sure if Islam goes that far. I believe there is hadith saying that a son's obligation is to his parents first, but that is all I know. I believe in my heart that motherhood is a matter of the heart and not a superficial matter of dunya as some have alleged, and it is wrong for our parents to decided whether or not we should be pursuing it.

 

[Abu-Talha]

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[Um Ibrahim]

I agree with all this, but the issue in this thread is whether a muslim woman has an obligation to forego any chances of marriage and motherhood if her parents want her to, and in order to take care of her parents. I am not sure if Islam goes that far. I believe there is hadith saying that a son's obligation is to his parents first, but that is all I know. I believe in my heart that motherhood is a matter of the heart and not a superficial matter of dunya as some have alleged, and it is wrong for our parents to decided whether or not we should be pursuing it.

Sister I'm not sure why you're confused about that. What hadith or verse of the Quran do you know of that says a woman has to foego of any chance of getting married and having her own family to take care of her parents. Every one, no matter if it's a boy or girl has rights in Islam. Marriage is something that is encouraged in Islam. No mother or father can forbid or stop their sons or daughters from marrying so long as the person they''re marrying is someone who is acceptable in Islam. Plus, just because someone gets married doesn't mean their duties and responsiblities as sons/daughters are over. Even those who are married have to still think of their parents and still are responsible for helping their parents when they need them. You don't need to choose. You can both get married and help your parents, as much as you can of course.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam alaikum,

You do not have to forgo anything. Islam celebrates life. You are so very young. You can do it all. You can marry and have children and be the loving daughter you are to your parents.
Trust me sister, I keep you in my dua. I want a husband more for you than I want for myself. Please sister take some time and devote it for some serious husband hunting. Take a week. We are all praying for you. And InshaAllah, I will drive up there for a slice of your wedding cake. Who knows I may catch one, still.

 

[a_stranger]

Assalmo alaikim wa rahmatu Allah wa barakatuh

Brothers and sister , I feel guilty when I consider taking care of my parents a heavy duty. It makes me sick the way most people talks about it. I know that we humans are weak , lazy , ungrateful ....but please as muslems we should try not to think in this way . This is Islam it makes such care as a most noble task a human can do which opens the doors of Janna widely for him /her. Allah subhanahu wa taaala don't forget what our fathers and mothers did to us since the beginning . It is all recorded and when we do something for them we are just repaying that long history of giving from their side. Please I am not saying we are angles .........I am not blaming sister precious star ( I think you are better than most of us because of this noble work you are doing and I pray that Allah give you a happy family and good children who will be loyal to you ). But it make me sad the way we think about this matter...........how I care for my children with happiness and love ..........and how I deal with my responsibilities towards parents. I think having more faith more knowledge in islam can make thing easier and happier for all.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam alaikum,

Sister Stranger,

The fact that we have to discuss taking care of the elderly is initself telling. We live in worlds where it does become a problem. Many of us have to work. Many of us have ailing parents that require specialized care. It is taxing. It is very difficult. We have to make individual sacrifices.

What I am trying to discuss is how do we do that in an Islamic way without becoming bitter or depressed ourselves. There exists a large body of literature that suggests that the caregiver needs time to relax as well. As we do not live in the extended family, the caregiver gets the burden of responsibility. It is very demanding.

In our fledgling communities we do not have avenues open for activities for seniors. Our masjids fail miserably in providing activities for seniors. They do not even offer rides for jumma.

I am looking at this as a means of gathering ideas on how the Muslim communities can help its senior citizens and assist the caregivers.

 

[a_stranger]

Wa alaikim alsalam wa rahmatu Allah wa barakatuh

Yes dear sister I understand , if we ponder in verses of Quran we see that Allah subhanahu wa taaala is calling us together : ya ayuha aldeen aamanoo. I think this means that we should work together .....brothers and sisters, people of masjid, relatives , neighbors ...........if each one of us do his responsibility towards others things will be easier ......yes we should work together .......that will bring ease to our life........the problem with muslems every where including myself that either they don't understand the call of Quran or they don't follow it .