Question regarding a Marriage Proposal

[He-Man]

Assalamu alaikum,

i just wanted to get a general consensus of what i have recently gone through. Basically i cant help but give a synopsis of my situation, Now i have come to point of settling down in life and hence indicated my parents to get the ball rolling on finding my future wife. Well, living away from the country where you originally come from and where all your relatives are creates a barrier and differences. so my parents decided to pursue my marriage proposals online! well after a lot of sifting and sorting from both sides, we finally managed to pick out the one that would have been suitable for me. Lo and behold by god's grace our families clicked, and everything was going smoothly, they got to know our family and we got to know their's with the exchange of emails and phone conversations. In the mean time i hadn't even seen the girl in person but had seen her photographs. Everything was fine, our parents decided that they should let the guy and the girl converse via phone and email. After a month my parents finally decided to fly down to meet her parents and of course to see the girl. My parents were quite content with all they had seen over at their place. Next it was our turn to see each other before everything would be finalised ( i.e dates, arrangements for wedding, etc) most of the preparations were already on the way from my parents side. When it was time for us to see each other, i had again made the journey to see her and did not raise any concern or issue and i said alhamdulillah when i met her but i wasn't sure if the feeling was mutual, so i confirmed by asking her over an email and found out she was content as well.
a couple weeks after we had met, her parents called mine concerning an istikhara that wasn't coming out right for them. We thought it shouldn't be a big deal as my mom had already done istikhara before approaching them for the proposal. We gave them time to think and consult with their relatives, but her parents never got back to mine ever. Instead they let their daughter reiterate to me sayin that our istikhara was not coming out right and suggested that we should stop talking to each other if its not meant to be and not Allah's will.

So my question to you brothers and sisters is, do you think what they did was right? do you think its ethically and morally right to call off something? (After agreeing to everything, and even letting us to to an extent to start the preps for the wedding)

Now i have read up on matters relating to istikhara on islam-qa.com and found the fatwas and answers quite convincing and i even had emailed the girl regarding these issue. But at the moment i feel like my parents were fooled into believing and were promised something from them, what would you do in such a situation?

jazakallah khair for reading!

 

[Optimist]

I cant tell you if she is the right one for you .... this is something only Allah SWT knows.

It certainly was not nice of them to take you all the way to this point but then you do not know if their circumstances have changed. If they are sincere people (which they do look so) then accept their execuses at face value and move on. There is no point dwelling over what should have happened. It might be one way by which Allah SWT chose what is best for you. These things happens all the time. From personal experience I can tell you that impressions about people can change in short time even after khutba, and if that has happened then there is no point carrying on.

20 years down the line, when you are with a beloved wife & children you will look back at this time and think how lucky you were. Just move on bro & dont have any grudge in your heart against anybody.

May Allah SWT grant you happiness in this world and the hereafter. Amin.

 

[dianek]

UNISLAMIC OPINION........BE AWARE!!!!!

I do not see how these arranged situations could ever work! Really! It sounds that maybe her family is a bit greedy. I think that since Muslims cannot date, you should look for prospective partners on your own at Mosques or Islamic foundation events etc. It just seems so foreign to me that you would have your spouse chosen by others from a selection of "cattle" online. I mean if this is the right way to meet and marry, then just get you a mail order bride......atleast then it is a one-time fee! Many people say that marriage is not about love......I think they are wrong. And how can you love someone if you don't find them yourself. I vow I will never make my daughters choose from a group of men that me or my husband select for her. My husband and I agree they will find their own spouses but will only marry if my husband approves of the suitor.

As for your situation...........find another way to find yourself a wife and be glad that your heart was not wrapped up in this one, as you could not have possibly "loved" her yet.

 

[Kayote]

Assalam u Aliekum

I can understand where you are coming from He-Man. But I think its better that it ended before things could have gone messy. Think about it... what would you and your family have done had the situation been reversed (i.e. their istikhara came fine but not yours).

Would it not have been aweful if after marriage things were to go wrong?

However, I do think, they should have atleast communicated to your family that they do not wish not to continue with this.

Insha'Allah you will find the right individual. Be patient

Allah Hafiz

 

[He-Man]

Assalam u Aliekum

I can understand where you are coming from He-Man. But I think its better that it ended before things could have gone messy. Think about it... what would you and your family have done had the situation been reversed (i.e. their istikhara came fine but not yours).



Allah Hafiz

W'salam and thanks for your post, i completely understand that it ended for the better of both of us. But don't you think Istikhara is normally done when one is confused about whether or not they want to carry on with a certain decision or matter? In my case my mom had done the istikhara before proposing to them, now don't you think they should have done the same thing at the beginning when the things were just in the early stages? do you think its ok to do istikhara a day before nikah or even the day of marriage and call it off? So far i haven't read up anything regarding the timing of istikhara, as to when is it too late or when to stop doing it. I understand istikhara is usually decision to go ahead or not go ahead with a certain decision, not lean to one side of the decision and then suddenly get back in the middle and change your course for the matter. Allah u alim.
I'm glad things didn't work out but being a human that I'm in not free of the need for wanting justice and compensation for what we have been through, not to mention the matter of money, community embarassment and raising of brows by friends and relatives who were told that everything was good to go, and it was just wedding date that needed to be finalized.
I know i cant let this slide by me, and i ask Allah everyday for my reward and hope to capitalize on this on the day of judgement Inshallah.

 

[wannabe_muttaqi]

ASAK Bro,
I do understand what you have gone thru'. but bro after reading your last post i felt that you are reading into this too much. If something has not gone thru' then thats it. Inshallah ALLAH swt will give you better wife. I know its easy for us to comment on this but please don't keep a grudge. Forgive them Inshallah ALLAH swt will forgive oyu.

JAK

 

[Bawar]

Assalamu alaikum brother!

If Allah s.w.t willed, it would happen.

I have a couple of points to make.

Nikah is about acceptance from both sides. If one side is hesitant, it is better that it doesn't go further.

I feel for you and make dua that Allah s.w.t grant you a wife that will give you happiness and succes in both worlds.

Allah s.w.t orders in Quran to parents that:

"....But force not your maids to prostitution when they desire chastity, in order that ye may make a gain in the goods of this life. But if anyone compels them, yet, after such compulsion, is Allah, Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful (to them)," 24:33

The scholars say regarding "...But force not your maids to prostitution .." also refers to the fact that don't stop them from getting married or delay their marriage.

It was not a wise thing from her parents to do such thing.

May Allah s.w.t grant all of you good partners in life.

Ameen