Raising our Boys: Are We Killing them Emotionally?

[~niyqaabiy~]

Raising our Boys: Are We Killing them Emotionally? ​

What makes a "real man"? What defines what a "real man" should be? This question is vital to the future of our Ummah. But which definition do we really follow? Are we following the definition of a real man of this time? Have we unknowingly buried alive the characteristics of our Prophets and the Sahabah (the Companions)? Who are our children's heroes? Rock from World Wrestling federation?


How can you define who your children's heroes are? Look at their favorite TV programs, video games, magazines, posters and movies. Who are their idols? Who do they want to be like? Long are the days where children want to be like their father's let alone the Prophets of Allah and the Companions. As though they are just "made up stories" of long ago.


We need to take a long hard look into how we are raising our boys and what outside influences and pressures are on them. How do we raise our boy's, what are we telling them directly and indirectly.


We know only one thing: WE MUST NOT RAISE A WIMP! We are so afraid that our child will be bullied or abused that we learn to shut down their emotional sensitive side at the earliest age. From watching a mother hold her crying six month old baby boy telling him "you're a big man, don't cry, you're a big boy".


I have seen this over and over again. We have quickly turned the key and locked out or boy's feelings at an early age. Why? Because we "fear" what others will think of him. Yes, it is normal that we must teach our boys how to defend themselves, help them develop their masculinity. Encourage all of the wonderful characteristics that Allah has given them. Yes, boys will become men, but they are first Muslims who so vitally have the right to feel and be what a true Muslim man is suppose to be.


The problem is we don't really know what to do with our boys, we yell at them more than girls if they do something wrong, we beat them for "their own good" instead of talking to them, we emotionally shut down when they need to talk, we are not there for them when they need a safe place to express their inner most deep feelings and fears, smacking them into humiliation.


We teach them to fear us, not to respect us. We are afraid and are repeating the same child rearing behaviors that our parents and society has done. We are afraid that we will raise a sissy or an odd ball. We are so afraid that we break them down into what we call "boys will be boys" without really thinking about what we are turning our boys into. We shrug our shoulder when we see them pull the legs off a spider; we shake our submissive heads when we see them bully the neighbor's child secretly happy that he is standing up for himself.


We subconsciously have told our boys that it is your place to yell and discipline their younger siblings as they see fit. In addition we turn a blind eye and let them play video games where they unmercifully kill and beat cyber women and men to death. Car racing games that allow them to run people over and beat up prostitutes and police officers. (See: Raising Cain, The Culture of Cruelty, by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson.)


"Boys are desperate for role models as they head into this uncertain age, and in most cases the dominant image of masculinity is one that requires strength and stoicism. Among themselves boys engage in continuous psychological warfare. Older boys pick on younger boy - dominating them by virtue of their greater size - and younger boys mimic them, creating an environment that pits the strong against the weak, the popular against the unpopular, the power brokers against the powerless, and the conformity drive "boy pack" against the boy who fails in any way to conform with the pack expectations."


What defines our role in raising our boys? The movies, situation comedies, magazines, videos? As Muslims we have been instructed to raise functionally in tuned boys that can both fight to the death (when they have to) and be as kind as compassionate as the most gentle loving man. It is not a conflict of interest; it is an emotionally balanced boy who grows up to be an emotionally balanced man, son, husband, father, brother in Islam, community member etc.


The ideal Muslim man is a well rounded man. No where in any religion has the role of a man been laid out like in Islam. Not just some "man's" opinion, but from the Qur'an, Sunnah and the Sahabah. Why are we turning our backs on these important characteristics that we are obligated to instill in our boys? Yes we have to deal with the real world, but that is like saying that "the Qur'an, Sunnah and Sahabah are just "idealistic" and not applicable in this world" (This is forbidden to believe the Qur'an, Sunnah, etc. are not applicable, it is for all mankind until the Day of Judgment)

 

[alkathiri]

:salam2:

MashAllah
JazakAllah khair

 

[~niyqaabiy~]

:salam2:

MashAllah
JazakAllah khair

wa iyyak.

 

[dawahforever]

Asalaamu Alaikum

I guess those are cultural ways of rearing your kids. Doesn't happen in my house. We pick up insects and put them outside. No violent games are allowed. The boys can cry if they want to and talk out their feelings too. Our girls and boys have the same rules too..no favouritism. They have the same rights and obligations.

Wa salaamu Alaikum
D4E

 

[Optimist]

masha'Allah

jazaki Allaho khairan

 

[hussain.mahammed]

Jazakallahu khair sister

Its very important for a Muslim family.
wa/salam

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

You raise an important issue. We have seen how the west has allowed boys to remain boys and not become men. We need to heed the lessons from that. I am not speaking of games. Those are a distraction. We can not allow the family to fall apart.
The question is simple. We need to define leadership. We need Muslim men to help our youth to remain pious. We can not allow our youth to be seduced by money and wealth and personal gain. We can not allow our young men to want diamonds and cars and "white girls". That is the myth of lala land.
The west was insidious in making sure that the leaders of the 60's were exterminated one by one across the globe. Those leaders were replaced by sport figures. And now we have a generation of young men that are unified by sports and gangs.
Our wealthier population (Muslim) has turned its back on the not so rich. We have young men who have lost their idenity. We need to reach out to them. We need to have activities in the masjids to replace the seducation of drugs and gangs on the street.
We have no leaders. We can not live our lives in seclusion.
Muslim boys become Muslim men.

 

[q8penpals]

Salaam,

You raise an important issue. We have seen how the west has allowed boys to remain boys and not become men. We need to heed the lessons from that. I am not speaking of games. Those are a distraction. We can not allow the family to fall apart.
The question is simple. We need to define leadership. We need Muslim men to help our youth to remain pious. We can not allow our youth to be seduced by money and wealth and personal gain. We can not allow our young men to want diamonds and cars and "white girls". That is the myth of lala land.
The west was insidious in making sure that the leaders of the 60's were exterminated one by one across the globe. Those leaders were replaced by sport figures. And now we have a generation of young men that are unified by sports and gangs.
Our wealthier population (Muslim) has turned its back on the not so rich. We have young men who have lost their idenity. We need to reach out to them. We need to have activities in the masjids to replace the seducation of drugs and gangs on the street.
We have no leaders. We can not live our lives in seclusion.
Muslim boys become Muslim men.

Salam

But one must also remember, there are Muslim boys all over the world, not just in the West. In Kuwait, I see 'boys" who are in their early 30s, unmarried, more interested in their new cars and electronic toys than religion, family, education, let alone wives and children. At 11pm, or even midnight, I can go to the grocery store and see ELEMENTARY age boys out playing in the streets, all by themselves. Once I saw a Kuwaiti student of mine, and asked what he was doing - he said he can do whatever he wants; he makes his nanny lie to his parents or else he will get her fired. He was 10 years old. It really makes me wonder what kind of man he will grow to be; already headstrong, lying, and threatening people.

The Muslims all over the world need to raise their sons to be productive members of society at large, as well as the Muslim society of the world. The problem is not a West versus East, it is a problem for all.

Lana

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

I agree totally. It seems that the western influence i.e. tv and the other rot has penetrated to the entire world. However, we do not seem to have the individual leadership stepping up. We need young men in the early 20's to step up and provide leadership.
Why are our masjids empty. They need to be filled with activites for our youth. We need to provide outlets that are productive and full of energy.

 

[jabba]

Salam

But one must also remember, there are Muslim boys all over the world, not just in the West. In Kuwait, I see 'boys" who are in their early 30s, unmarried, more interested in their new cars and electronic toys than religion, family, education, let alone wives and children. At 11pm, or even midnight, I can go to the grocery store and see ELEMENTARY age boys out playing in the streets, all by themselves. Once I saw a Kuwaiti student of mine, and asked what he was doing - he said he can do whatever he wants; he makes his nanny lie to his parents or else he will get her fired. He was 10 years old. It really makes me wonder what kind of man he will grow to be; already headstrong, lying, and threatening people.

The Muslims all over the world need to raise their sons to be productive members of society at large, as well as the Muslim society of the world. The problem is not a West versus East, it is a problem for all.

Lana

Salam Alaikum
I understand 100% about what you are talking about kids here in Syria run wild and their parents don't seem to care at all. One day my husband and I were walking and this kid asks for money my husband said sorry no, the kid then grabs his arm and starts swearing at him (my husband is a big guy). The kid had no idea what respect means, he was obviously never taught by his parents. We have people who have kids upstairs who constantly make noise at all hours of the day, and even though they are old enough to know better when confronted they lie and say they've just been sitting on the couch watching T.V., these are kids raised by Muslims..........Sister MIrajmom this is not a problem caused by the west, we can't always blame the west for all of lifes problems, this is the parents fault, raising a child starts with the mom and dad.

 

[Islam!!yay]

:salam2:

I'm A 17 year old american boy . And hamdulilah my parents raised me right .

 

[hussain.mahammed]

As salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wabrakatuhu

I have seen Muslim brothers wasting time in playing computer games, watching movies non stop, gossiping etc. We cannot force to bring a change but we need to try and find the ones who are in path of truthfulness and Righteousness. We need to make people steadfast. I have met and seen brothers who were once very pious but shaitan took control of their hearts later.

This is such a dangerous scenario that I cannot understand. I make duas to Allah Subhanahu wa Taala so that He brings them back to the path of Truth.

It has to do with our Eeman. So we need to check and recheck ourselves all the time. As a machine cannot work efficiently if you dont carry out proper repair and maintenance, so do our hearts need to be pure, free from any stain.

wa/salam

 

[shaheeda35]

:salam2:
Our boys are in big trouble. I see them out here in NY where I live. They hang out in the street, wanting the fast life, money, girls, cars etc...This is not only here, its all over the world. They don't want an education anymore, they come to school to hang out and pass the time and talk to girls. You ask them why they do this, and why are they like this, they say "soceity" has made me this way, nonsense!! It should not matter whether you have both parents, one parent, an uncle, an aunt, a cousin etc.. taking care of you, there is no excuse of not being the man you need to be. Take initiative and take charge of your life. Its also okay for a man to cry, they are not made of wood, but they should also be the strong maintainers and protectors of soceity.

 

[asmae_rose]

:salam2:

you're right brother;

many of our boys are facing big troubles in this life

but we have to know that Allah is ghafoor raheem and we have to know as you said :

As a machine cannot work efficiently if you dont carry out proper repair and maintenance, so do our hearts need to be pure, free from any stain.

 

[AliIbanez]

True indeed. JazakAllah khair

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Yes, it is a problem. However we have the solutions. We need men to step up and take charge of our youth. We need to have activities for them. We need to make them responsible. I can not address the issues of the youth of the other parts of the world. I see what is happening in the US. I see how Muslim young men are being kept from becoming mature. Where are the men? This is not to debate. There are no debates here. This is not a comparison of how Muslims act in any part of the world. We have to address this issue and the resolution is we the Muslims have to do a better job.

 

[LeylaHussain]

:salam2:

Yes, good to point that the education is both the mother's AND the father's roles... Unfortunately, how many daddies get involved in their young children's education? How many think that babies and young kids are the job of the mother only? The role model of a little boy should be his father (providing that the dad himself is a good muslim)... how this will happen if the father doesn't get involved or just to punish the child when the mom complains that "ur son did such and such, ur son drove me crazy the whole day.... ect....)?
We are in a society (not only in the West but absolutely everywhere, it's enough to look at countries where the petrodollars flow like water...) that is so materialistic and so far from the ideals of muslim lives.
We have to instill the exemple of the Prophet SAWS and the Companions very early in the heart of our youngs, boys and girls alike. They have to understand the values of a righteous muslim.
When we see our Ummah suffering like maybe never in the past, and almost no one to stand against it, the rich arab countries with at their head pseudo sheikhs who are just at the shoe of the USA ... indeed parents teach from very ealry age that the boy has to get a very good job, that he has to earn good money to spend on them and "to build their own future"...
Fools!! It's Allah ta'la who gives rizk, yes, the boys have to work and earn their living but values such as piety, courage, humility, compassion... are far more beneficial for his future household than an extra hundreds of dollars each month...
I pray that we finally see a generation of righteous men who will stand for Islam and will behave as the Quran and Sunnah have taught us, amin.

:tti_sister:

 

[whitehijab]

this is an important issue to discuss...
soo much factors lead to what happened to the youth nowadays
and parents is the nearest to reach them (if only they r living with).
some people said that parents nowadays can't control their kids from doing/ going to here and there like how most our parents teach us. but youth nowadays should b given the freedom to choose. and this way will make their kids think. thats IF they think...
unfortunately, the situations is not suitable for them to search by themself. it depends on how they understand why this is to do and not to do. and the the way parents guide their children is important too based on Quran and Sunnah of course..

btw, knowledge is also very important. so before building a family, everybody should gain knowledge in every aspects as much as we could...

and not to forget make Doa'a for that is the secret weapon of Islam...

:muslim_child:

 

[Summer03]

grwoing up...i was never treated any different from my two brothers...more like we were the same. rules apply to all..

 

[~niyqaabiy~]

:salam2:


:ma: Parenting is the responsibility of both parents. I think a couple when they just embark in a marriage and starting a family, they should educate themselves on "Parenting according to the Qur'aan wa Sunnah".

If we follow what has been perscribe in the Qur'an wa Sunnah, insha^Allaah we can't go wrong....perhaps we may have some ups and downs, afterall the sunnaah way of life is what many would NOT call it *the modern way of life*...*roll up eyes*.

All things started from choosing your future spouses, you should look for those who are upon the Diyn, insha^Allaah.

Then, as married couples, they should discussed about how they would raise their children in an environment that is "testing" to up hold the Qur'an wa Sunnah. The couple must remember to fullfill the rights of each other, insha^Allaah.

As parents, we should NOT imitate the kuffar way of upbringing the children. We should also know the rights of our children and fullfilling them, insha^Allaah. Some of the rights of the children is that we should give them good names {Islamic names with good meanings}, make it that their first 'kalam' or word is "Allaah" not mama or dada....we should do 'aqiqah for them etc....

Fathers should provide for their family from halal sources and mothers should nuture their children as in Islam, the mother is "her child first teacher"...she spends a lot of time nursing him especially the first year of a child. Fullfill your child rights by breastfeeding him for two years.

Bed time stories should be that the stories of the Sahaabahs or stories of the Prophets .....so they will strive to be a Muslim not just in name like so many people these days, nastagfirullaah.

Teach our children the basic ettiqque in Islam and insha^Allaah when we have nuture and cultivate these from young, it will be part of their life and they won't imitate the kuffar lifestyle, insha^Allaah.

BUT first and foremost, parents must equip themselves with the knowledge of "Upbring children" according to Islam so it is incumbent that from now, before one is married, one should seek knowledge in becoming Muslims spouses and parents, insha^Allaah.

Allaah knows best!