Why do some men do this?

[safiya58]

:salam2:

when I read the fatwas´s regarding issues like that I´ve noticed that the scholars are always proceeding from the assuption that the husband is an ideal muslim husband who is responsible-minded towards his family and wants to protect their iman. I´m not judging them. No way. They are right because the questions are very often to general. Also the question of sister Channa.

However If we are realistic then we have to confess that not all husbands are pious muslim husbands, like they should be.

and not beeing the ideal husbands also their reasons for preventing their wifes to visit their families are not in order to protect them or have a good reason.

Like Asja said a "real muslim man" would treat his wife good.

It is not justifiable when people simply abuse religion for their own wishes.

Jazak Allahu ckair sister Asja and samiha for your reply´s.

 

[weakslave]

I am not sure that everything said here is in accordance with the Quraan and the sunnaah.

Please read to the end before judging what I am about to say.

- Men are not perfect, you will not find a man who is like the Prophet
- Preventing a woman from her own desires to visit her family is not a sin. How can it be when it is something she desires. So this prevention is not a sin of itself
- Like some sisters mentioned here already, the man is the leader figure in a marriage relationship. He must be obeyed at all times even if the reasoning is not apparent or it appears to be unjust. As long as he is not asking of the wife to do something that Allaah has commanded against, then there is no reason to disobey him

With all of that said, one can find many valid reasons for a husband preventing his wife from visiting her family. There are also invalid reasons, but again men are not perfect and don't always make perfect judgement.

The end goal should always be one: to please Allaah SWT. To please Allaah SWT. To please Allaah SWT. Not to see our family because we miss them, not to go against the wishes of our guardians - because this is a clear sin -, and not to always do what we simply desire.

If a husband had bad judgement and he refused without a valid reason, that is his right. He is not being just in his decision, but the decision is still valid. We aim to please Allaah, and if our intention is not to go against the command of Allaah and to do what Allaah has ordered us, Allaah will reward us many times more for our patience and intentions.

Example of a situation: Wife seeks permission from husband, husband refuses, wife does not get upset, she is thankful to Allaah for everything that has happened to her and she asks Allaah swt to guide her husband to grant her the ability to visit her family. Without a doubt, if she is able to do this, she is a great person in the sight of Allaah swt.

An indentical situation. A woman living with her parents (father), she wishes to go visit her sister or her friends or whoever. We assume they are all righteous and pious people of course. Her father denies her the request. Is that a sin? Of course not. His decision is not for his daughter to leave the house at this time for this purpose. To go against that decision is a clear sin.

The right intentions + patience = success
The wrong intentions - patience = will never lead to success

May Allaah guide all the men to be just and to make the right decisions, and may Allaah grant our womenfolk patience in times of difficulty.

And Allaah knows best.

 

[weakslave]

As-salaamu `alaykum

This is not exclusive. I know some mothers who prevent their daughters from seeing their husbands! Not figured that one out yet.

Haha

Ahhh, mothers. The beautiful among them are those who set great examples for their daughters and other sisters. The ugly are those who aim to destroy relationships and cause fitnah. Two extremes, but both are possible.

 

[al-fajr]

:salam2:

when I read the fatwas´s regarding issues like that I´ve noticed that the scholars are always proceeding from the assuption that the husband is an ideal muslim husband who is responsible-minded towards his family and wants to protect their iman. I´m not judging them. No way. They are right because the questions are very often to general. Also the question of sister Channa.

Actually sis, the question asked in the above case was extremely detailed and so was the answer, click here. I only included the second bit because the concept that a husband deserves obedience over a mother is surprising, especially with the 3:1 deal a mother has over the father.

Wa-alaykum salaam

 

[Asja]

Orginally posted by weakslave

I am not sure that everything said here is in accordance with the Quraan and the sunnaah.

First of all Assalamu Allaicum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu

Dear brother I think you should read again all replys from the begining InshAllah, to see that brothers and sisters were not talking by their own wishes but with proves based on Quran and Sunnah. Please read the fawhas that have been posted as our duty is to seek knowledge to avoid to be misguided.

Please read to the end before judging what I am about to say.

Dear brother this is exactly what you should also do. Read all replyes very carefully becouse only on that way we can see where did we made mistakes or what is that we did not understod well. This is all for the sake of good and understanding the situations like this where husband is preventing his wife to visit her relatives without reason, knowing it if forbiden from Allah for him to do that Asstagfirullah.

- Men are not perfect, you will not find a man who is like the Prophet

Prophet Mohammed s.a.w.s. is the best of all mankinds. He is examle to all man and women. His marriage life is example to all of us. The way how he respected people, and how he thought man to act toward every woman, respecting them. Prophet Mohammed s.a.w.s never said that "husband" has the right to act against Allahs comands Asstagfirullah.

- Preventing a woman from her own desires to visit her family is not a sin.

I apologise than what it is??? Brother and sisters stated above that it is a "sin". They even broght prove for that. Dear brother we should not talk without knowledge, becouse in these cases silence is better. Husband has no right to prevent his wife to visit her familly, becouse in this case he is takeing her rights away, the rights given to her from Allah and people. But the most important from Allah. And Allhmadullilah that every woman today is standing for her rights and keeping them carefully, becouse if she does not do that she will lose the position that Allah gave her makeing her equal in all rights togeter with man.

How can it be when it is something she desires. So this prevention is not a sin of itself

Wa la hawle we la quwete illa billahi

How can you know what other people feel. How can you know that she wants that what are you declaring to be "her wish"??? And what if that is not her wish??? Than husband is comiting a sin. People need to learn how to respect each other and have dialogue, as that is the only way how they can learn from each others and choose the best for each others.

- Like some sisters mentioned here already, the man is the leader figure in a marriage relationship. He must be obeyed at all times even if the reasoning is not apparent or it appears to be unjust. As long as he is not asking of the wife to do something that Allaah has commanded against, then there is no reason to disobey him

Yes exactly, you have said it by yourselfe. If husband sais "you can not visit your relatives, and I do not need a reason to prevent you, becouse I am the "leader figure", and we already know that Allah is forbiding this action, in this case wife has the right to complis her "rights". What means she can visit her familly.

Her husban needs to understand that she is responsable to her parents. Who raised her, who feed her, who gave her "life"??? That now she does not complish her obligations to her parents becouse "her husband" has gave himselfe the rights which do not belong him.

With all of that said, one can find many valid reasons for a husband preventing his wife from visiting her family. There are also invalid reasons, but again men are not perfect and don't always make perfect judgement.

When we make mistakes, our obligations is to correct them. Imagine how the world would be when we all would say "Well I am sorry I am not perfect, I make mistakes and I do not need to correct them".

The end goal should always be one: to please Allaah SWT. To please Allaah SWT. To please Allaah SWT. Not to see our family because we miss them, not to go against the wishes of our guardians - because this is a clear sin -, and not to always do what we simply desire.

Yes exactly dear brother. What means that we first obey to Allah and not to husband. SubhanAllah He is.

Example of a situation: Wife seeks permission from husband, husband refuses, wife does not get upset, she is thankful to Allaah for everything that has happened to her and she asks Allaah swt to guide her husband to grant her the ability to visit her family. Without a doubt, if she is able to do this, she is a great person in the sight of Allaah swt.

I think that we should avoid creating some examples that shoud be prove for our subjective opinion when the truth is completaly different. In this case wife should pray to Allah to guide her husband but in the same time to stand proudly for her rights like Proud Muslimah.

An indentical situation. A woman living with her parents (father), she wishes to go visit her sister or her friends or whoever. We assume they are all righteous and pious people of course. Her father denies her the request. Is that a sin? Of course not. His decision is not for his daughter to leave the house at this time for this purpose. To go against that decision is a clear sin.

Muslim father, pious man would never never forbid one daughter to visit other daughter and esspecialy in the case when we are talking about Muslims.

Allah sais in Holy Quran:

[Nisa 4:1] O mankind! Fear your Lord Who created you from a single soul and from it created its spouse and from them both has spread the multitude of men and women; fear Allah in Whose name you claim (your rights from one another) and be mindful of your blood relations; indeed Allah is always seeing you.

Prophet Mohammed s.a.w.s. said:"Shall not enter into jannah who broke contact with his relatives" (Muttefekun alyhi).

May Allaah guide all the men

Ameen. May Allah guide us all

And Allah knows the best

May Allah forgive me if I have said something wrong. It was not my intention to do so.

EDIT: And what if husband forbids his wife to pray saalah, would you still say that he has right on that brother??? Because his wife loves Allah and she wants to pray,and because he is not alowing her he is hurting her feelings, so it means he is sinning. It is the same with visiting her family, because wife loves her family and she wants to visit them, so he is sinning for preventing her to visit her family.

And also to reapat once again, there is no pious Muslim man who would prevent his wife to visit her family, neither thier is pious Muslimah who would prevent her husband to visit his family.
Healthy Muslim family is the key for healthy Islamic society, that should be built on equality.

Wa Allaicumu Sallam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu

 

[Asja]

Haha

Ahhh, mothers. The beautiful among them are those who set great examples for their daughters and other sisters. The ugly are those who aim to destroy relationships and cause fitnah. Two extremes, but both are possible.

Assalamu Allaicum wa rahamtullah wa barakatuhu

Dear brother I would say it is very sad when people instead of knowledge choose ignorancy, and instead good they choose bad.

I think we should not use this word "ugly", rather make dua to Allah to guide those who made mistakes. Indead Allah is All Forgiving.

May Allah guide us all

Wa Allaicumu Sallam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu

 

[Kakorot]

Salam, My goodness I hope someone is able to help you with this. It does not seem fair and plus Islam teaches to be kind to the parents. How is taking the daughter from the parents being kind to them? Please seek advice from an Imam because this just seems so sad to me. What if the parents pass away with a broken heart from the loss of their daughter?

Wa'alaykum asalaam sister. Firstly, I'm not married and not facing such a situation, just wanted to know what Islam says, because I know Islam is a fair way of life and not a male dominated religion, as unfortunately some uneducated jahil men make it appear to be.
I just wanted to know the answer to expand my knowledge regarding this issue so that I can inform others. There was this sister, and her husband forbade her from visiting her father. Even when her father informed her that he was very ill, she wanted to visit him but still her husband forbade her and then after a while, the sister's father past away. Now epathize and imagine you were in her shoes Wallaah heart breaking. Our fathers raise us, go to work, provide a roof over our head, feed us, clothe us etc and all you ask is just for a visit to see them but you are denied your right because your husband. I'm sorry but men that call themselves 'God fearing' and don't allow their wife to visit their family without a legitimate reason are just pure selfish in my view.
The aim of this thread was just to raise awareness because there are many sister's out there that are suffering from such situations and don't know what to do about it.
And the men that do this without a reason, just remember that what goes round, comes round. When you grow old, your daughter's husband may not allow her to visit you when you are ill, just as you didn't allow your wife to visit her father. REMEMBER THAT!!

 

[safiya58]

I am not sure that everything said here is in accordance with the Quraan and the sunnaah.

Please read to the end before judging what I am about to say.

- Men are not perfect, you will not find a man who is like the Prophet
- Preventing a woman from her own desires to visit her family is not a sin. How can it be when it is something she desires. So this prevention is not a sin of itself
- Like some sisters mentioned here already, the man is the leader figure in a marriage relationship. He must be obeyed at all times even if the reasoning is not apparent or it appears to be unjust. As long as he is not asking of the wife to do something that Allaah has commanded against, then there is no reason to disobey him

With all of that said, one can find many valid reasons for a husband preventing his wife from visiting her family. There are also invalid reasons, but again men are not perfect and don't always make perfect judgement.

The end goal should always be one: to please Allaah SWT. To please Allaah SWT. To please Allaah SWT. Not to see our family because we miss them, not to go against the wishes of our guardians - because this is a clear sin -, and not to always do what we simply desire.

If a husband had bad judgement and he refused without a valid reason, that is his right. He is not being just in his decision, but the decision is still valid. We aim to please Allaah, and if our intention is not to go against the command of Allaah and to do what Allaah has ordered us, Allaah will reward us many times more for our patience and intentions.

Example of a situation: Wife seeks permission from husband, husband refuses, wife does not get upset, she is thankful to Allaah for everything that has happened to her and she asks Allaah swt to guide her husband to grant her the ability to visit her family. Without a doubt, if she is able to do this, she is a great person in the sight of Allaah swt.

An indentical situation. A woman living with her parents (father), she wishes to go visit her sister or her friends or whoever. We assume they are all righteous and pious people of course. Her father denies her the request. Is that a sin? Of course not. His decision is not for his daughter to leave the house at this time for this purpose. To go against that decision is a clear sin.

The right intentions + patience = success
The wrong intentions - patience = will never lead to success

May Allaah guide all the men to be just and to make the right decisions, and may Allaah grant our womenfolk patience in times of difficulty.

And Allaah knows best.

:salam2:

brother weakslave ofcourse noone of us is same like prophet Muhammed s.a.w. But some of us strive hard to be like him and some not.... because some have obviously other role models...

I don´t think that any sister here would deny the rights a husband has over his wife. And yes women should obey their husbands. But if a man thinks his wife is his slave I´m against it.

concerning the example you made: it is a big diffrence if he not allows her once to visit her parents or if he not at all allows her to see them... never ever...!

Men are not perfect...? Really...? That´s no problem we can correct them when they are wrong! Like they also can correct us too. Because we are also not perfect!

 

[Aisya al-Humaira]

Assalamualaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh,

Brothers and sisters, I think we should deal with matters like this especially regarding marital relationship with wisdom which of course based on the Quran and the sunnah. Everyone will have their own opinions and denial on certain things but lets not show opressiveness to one anothers and turn it into an argument which wont help solving the problem or helping one another at all.

InshaAllah i hope that what im about to write is with the will from Allaah and the intentions to share even with my imperfection and know that all good matters comes from Allaah.

Having read some books in my language before (so Im sorry cannot come up with the ayats), when a woman enters a marriage life, her husband has more rights to her than her parents but of course Allaah comes first regardless in any situation. And about a husband not letting her wife to visit her family AT ALL without any strong reason, then the husband in the end will be question by Allaah of all his responsibilities and duties to his wife and his whole family which of course is not an easy thing at all. But remember that in a hadeeth it says that "The best among you is one's who is the best to his family. And know that I am the best to my family".But being as a wife, and fearing that it might cause diobedience or nusyuz if we disobey him, then its best if we listen to him (as long as what he wishes is not against disobedience to Allaah) and pray that may Allaah opens his heart. Communication and discussion might help as to know the root of the problem as to why the husband wouldnt let his wife visits her family and try to solve it with wisdom and based on Allaah's rule. And never until now I feel that our deen makes us woman like a slave once she gets married. Marriage itself is a struggle but lets not forget that those woman who tries hard to please her husband for the sake of Allaah even if it means to put aside her wishes, then know that with the will and mercy of Allaah, she will be granted with Jannah.

A mother has more rights to her son even if the son gets married and as for a married woman, her husband has more rights to her than her family.

Marital life is full of its ups and down but inshaAllahu taa'la if every single things that we do is only to seek the pleasure of Allaah even in the most little things like cleaning the house just to make our husband happy (eventhough we are extremely lethargic at that time), then inshaAllaah, know that Allaah will reward everything we do for the sake of Allaah alone.

Wallahua'lam. Indeed Allaah knows best in every matter.
And may Allaah forgive me and all of us for any mistakes either in our words, actions or intentions. La hawla wa la quwwata illabillah.

Waalaykummusalam wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh.

 

[safiya58]

:salam2:

a very beneficial post jazak Allahu chair sister. It is true our religion is not opressing us. When a muslim women is oppressed it is her husband oppressing her not Islam!

I would do everything for my husband to make him happy and I would not disobey him but me as a girl I have my weak points too. I can not have a smily face 24 hours a day.... Sometimes I get angry... sometimes disappointed... sometimes may jelous..... etc.

My point is women are also just human-beeings not angels!!! men are always expecting to have the "perfect-wife". But noone is perfect....

Why is it regarded as wrong or may even insolent when a young woman has her conditions too....???? Does it mean she is not pious....? Why is a woman regarded as pious and patient when she lowers her standards....?

 

[arzafar]

is there any evidence from quran and hadith to suggest that a husband can stop his wife from meeting her parents?

 

[weakslave]

EDIT: And what if husband forbids his wife to pray saalah, would you still say that he has right on that brother???

:salam2:

you quoted me, and then still post this?!?

Like some sisters mentioned here already, the man is the leader figure in a marriage relationship. He must be obeyed at all times even if the reasoning is not apparent or it appears to be unjust. As long as he is not asking of the wife to do something that Allaah has commanded against, then there is no reason to disobey him

I thought I made that clear. Anyways, it's easy to forget!

 

[Frank_H_Smith]

Asalamu 'Alayki, Sister Channa,

Without knowing the facts as to why the prohibition by the husband, it is impossible to say if he is acting correctly or not; however, I can tell you that it isn't only Muslim Men and in America, it isn't only men.

For example, my father and mother were married for forty years before my mother was killed. My father was an honest, hardworking, upper middle class man. He never hit my mother and she was probably the most important person in his life. Unfortunately, being human my father had his faults. He was very jealous and possessive of my mother. Although he never forbad her from seeing her family and for the greater part of their marriage would often go with her to my mother's parents on the weekend. He did his best to create situations where my mother would have to choose "his side over her family's" in disputes. My father had no companions, no hobbies, wasn't religious, and only spend non-working hours with my mother. As long as she respected the fact that he was to be number 1 after God in her life, he treated her like a queen. But, for a few years before my mother was killed, she wasn't able to speak with her sister or spend much time with her brothers or mother.

I know a man whose wife becomes very spiteful when he suggests seeing his parents; so, he basically doesn't see them.

I could see a situation where a husband may not permit his wife to visit her family. If her family is immoral, criminal, or disrespectful to him or creates friction in his relationship with his wife; most men would explain for their own good they must avoid interacting with her family. Of course, this would be extremely rare.

My wife is one of the kindest most selfless individual's I have ever known. Unfortunately, as an infant and child she suffered physical torture, emotional abuse, and countless horrors by both her father and mother. She still loved them; however, I only took her to see them a few times in the decades that we are married. I enjoyed visiting with her aunts and uncles who are great people. But, since I made it clear that no one hurts my wife or disrespects her or me, prior to her parents' deaths we could count the number of visits on our fingers.

I know here in America, men are often failures in accepting their roles as head of their homes and, in my opinion, each generation seems to have a higher percentage of men who lack masculinity because of the strong emphasis on what is called "political correctness" and liberal or open-minded views. However, my father once told me that an open mind is like an open door in that all kinds of trash can enter through it.

I hope my personal opinion has helped and I am not qualified to answer whether it is permissible in Islam as I am so very new to Islam.

I can tell you that the New Testament of The Bible says:

Eph 5:21 Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.
Eph 5:22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

and

Paul wrote also to Timothy and said

1Ti 2:8 I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and doubting.
1Ti 2:9 In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array;
1Ti 2:10 But (which becometh women professing godliness) with good works.
1Ti 2:11 Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection.
1Ti 2:12 But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
1Ti 2:13 For Adam was first formed, then Eve.
1Ti 2:14 And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression.
1Ti 2:15 Notwithstanding she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.

I can't say if these writings of Paul's in The New Testament of The Bible has any authority. Although, I believe that women should let their hair grow long and practice holiness (this is a concept in Christianity that encompasses modesty, subjection to God, and husband, etc) But, the silence part may be the result of men and women meeting in church together instead of separately. I have no problem with women sharing thoughts and ideas and especially appreciate all the helpful words I receive on this forum from the sisters. But, Paul also advised Timothy to

1Ti 5:1 Rebuke not an elder, but intreat him as a father; and the younger men as brethren;
1Ti 5:2 The elder women as mothers; the younger as sisters, with all purity.
1Ti 5:3 Honour widows that are widows indeed.

When I was a pastor and preacher in Christianity, I often used a book called a Concordance which allows you to look up the meaning of Hebrew and Greek words originally used and to do topical studies by subject. I am looking for a similar book in Islam (the average price of what I found is $75.00).

Could you imagine if I had to keep my thoughts to myself :0

 

[Asja]

:salam2:

you quoted me, and then still post this?!?



I thought I made that clear. Anyways, it's easy to forget!

:salam2:

Dear brother, I quoted you and posted what I have posted so that you can see that you are being contradictor to yourselfe and that you understand the same husband can not forbid his wife to pray,he aslo can NOT forbid his wife to visit her parents without a reason.And I did not forget anything Alhamdulillah.

And Allah knows the best