:salam2:
Aww, sister Muminah, even though you are a few months older than me, your posts are always full of innocence that you have, since you are a young Muslimah (like Aishah Radiyallahu Anha), who wants to subit herself fully to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla sincerely from her heart, especially even though she has been being pressured to the point that her Eman can fade away. Alhamdulillah, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla has blessed us to have a good sister like you, and it's an honor to have you as my sister in Islam.
As regards to your concern; Baji, it's a part of growing up Since both of us are fourteen years old, our body has developed into being that like an adult. And when that happens, we go through many difficult changes, changes that we most of the time do NOT want to accept (like those desires that builds up from the Nafs and the Waswasa), but we HAVE to go through. And one of those things is that you or me will go through times when we feel depreseed, and sad. We start thinking bad about ourselves, that we're a horribble person, and we feel guilty of many things (even though we aren't sure what they always are). And also, many times, we even get sad and depressed for NO reason at all. But it's just because our body is going through changes into becoming an adult, and since that's happening, we are going through emotional changes and difficulties.
I would go through the same things that you would go through Baji, and Alhamdulillah, that Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla has made me go through those feelings of sadness and depression, because now I can use it to help my brothers and sisters in Islam who might be going through the same problems as I did.
And so anway, there are two solutions to the emotional difficulties that you are going through.
The first is:
That whenever you feel like that you have made Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla displeased and angry at you, then should ALWAYS raise your hands up (or lay down in Sujjud) in dua to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla,
because no matter whatever happens, you always have Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla to be there to LOVE you and SUPPORT you NO MATTER WHAT! And remember this beautiful Hadith sister:
"Oh children of Adam. Know that as long as (when) you (commit a sin or shortcoming and) return to me (in sincere repentance), with OUT ascribing any partners with (the high status of) me, then I will forgive you, whether your sins would have reached the highest mountains, or fill the foam in the seas, and I will
not mind (of whatever you did because I will forgive you since you have Eman and returned to me sincerely)." -Bukhari/Muslim
Wallahi that is one of the many of the most BEAUTIFULLEST Hadeeth that I have ever heard, it just makes you feel like weeping in your Love to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla.
So the lesson here Baji, is that you should ALWAYS remember that if you EVER commit a sin, or have any shortcomings (like you didn't do something even though you SHOULD have), then ALWAYS remember to turn back to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla Sincerely, and that you shouldn't feel too ashamed to be with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, because he ALREADY knew that you would make mistakes, before you were created from dirt (here, referring to Adam A.S), and before you were even the fetuses in your mother's wombs (Surah an Najm); BUT it DOES mean that you should feel upset that a sin (or a shortcoming) has keft it's stain on you, and from that sad feeling, it's MORE of a reason that you should return to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, because repenting to him ALWAYS makes you feel a bit more better, because you also understand (or atleast need to) that repenting is a GOOD DEED, which starts to wipe away your sin (but it depends on the amount of sincerity (the amount that you are feeling upset because of your sin when you are making Tawbah), and the amount of Tawbah that you make).
And also Baji, I understand what you mean when you say that you feel so upset that you feel like you JUST can't stand infront of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla because you feel guilty. I understand what you mean Baji, becase it's like that there's someone out there that you love like SO much, and when you do something bad or don't do something that you should, you feel like as if you have betrayed him. And by him, that referrs to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla. Baji, it's best to be careful, because this kind of thing is what Iblis and the Shayateen say, why/ Because they want you to feel humilated to the extent that you feel like as if you can't remember Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, because if you EVER do, then you'll just feel upset that you "let him down" by "betraying him," and so by that, you'll just feel MORE and more upset, and THEN you will never acheive anything. But remember this Hadeeth, and Inshallah, you will remember that whenever you do something wrong, then to always hold your head up high, raise the eyes of your heart to your Lord Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, and shed tears in your Love for him. Because he's ALWAYS there when you ever neeed someone to Love you and Comfort you. To Protect you, and Support you. And be By Your Side whenever you need someone to Spend Time With. And Verily, to him belongs all Praise.
The second thing to do is:
Remember, that good deeds are ways to wipe out your bad deeds, and Piety (or striving to attain Piety) wipes away the Evils of the Past. Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla says:
Narrated Abu Huraira: Allah's Apostle said, "Allah said, 'I will declare war against him who shows hostility to a pious worshipper of Mine. And the most beloved things with which My slave comes nearer to me, is what I have enjoined upon him; and My slave keeps on coming closer to me through performing Nawafil (praying or doing extra deeds besides what is obligatory) till I love him, so I become his sense of hearing with which he hears, and his sense of sight with which he sees, and his hand with which he grips, and his leg with which he walks; and if he asks me, I will give him, and if he asks My protection (Refuge), I will protect him; (i.e. give him My Refuge) and I do not hesitate to do anything as I hesitate to take the soul of the believer, for he hates death, and I hate to disappoint him."
-Sahih al Bukhari Chapter: ar Riqaq, To Make the Heart Tender
So you see what you can try to do here Baji? The lesson here is that if you EVER fall short of anything, then remember that you should repent (so that you can release the heavy pain in your heart), and ALSO do Nafl (Optional) Ebadah (so that you can make it up to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla), and remember Ya Baji, as long as you do the above, and return to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, then he will LOVE you, and he will not mind for whatever you dis in the past. And then little by little, you will ALSO stat to Love Him too, until your tears flow from your eyes in Love to Him, until the Angels start to accompany you and Love you, and until your Heart cries to be with you Beloved Rabbi, because WALLAHI, that's the beautifullest thing. And no matter what, the beautifullest women or girl in the world isn't some Hurl Yeen or young Maid, but a Pious Muslim sister who's tears from her eyes shine like the beautiful stars in the nigh sky, who the softness of her heart is so much that it can make another Mumin to lose all their sadness, and who's Deep Beautiful Piety makes her to be worth more than even ALL of the Maids of Jannah, and the young females of this Duniyah, who are adorned for their appearance. Because appearance can ALWAYS be obtained by anybody, and ANY women or girl could obtain a nice appearance, but VERY FEW women and girls have that SPECIAL Beauty, and that is, their Deep Love for Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, and his Rasul.
So when you have been able to accomplish these procedures Baji, then whenever you feel or upset, then raise your hands up to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, and ask him to Raise your Eman to the Highest Extents, which is when your heart feels happy, and content (because when you remember Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla and his Rasul, you feel like as if you are REALLY with both of them, and when you are with your dearest Love, then it feels like that not even if the WHOLE WORLD attacks you, hates you, or shuns you, would EVER make you feel upset or sad, and why? Because as long as you Have your Beloved Rabbi Subhanahu wa Ta Alla, and you know that he is Pleased with you, then NOTHING matters, for what EVER exists in the Heavens and the Earth).
And Verily, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta Alla's aid and help is sought from all our Problems and Difficulties, and Verily his Love is the Beautifulelst of his Blessings, and the most Bliss from his Grace, And Verily, does all Praise, Gratitude, and Love belong to our Lord, who's there when we need him, but seldom, is he even remembered or thought about....
-Abdul Hasib; Tendering and Reassuring of the Heart of a Muslm Sister April 20, 2009
