confused about Love

[Fahra]

Assalammualaikum friends…
I just got a little confused right now. I don’t know would you’ll believe it or not, I never really know what love is…I mean, between men and women. I never had a boyfriend. All I know is struggle to reach bless from Allah SWT by obey all of His rules, being dicipline of 5 times prayer, read Qur’an, doing lots of good things, including obey what my mama and papa said. That’s a due to me. Well, I’ll be 21 years old on this march and my papa already had a Mr. Right for me. He knew that guy for almost 2 years. Papa met him along in his research at the Empire of Saba as the Kingdom of Bilqis and when he done it, he gets home then convinced me that he’s the right person to be my husband. He’s 35 years old moslem, a head of police officer, well-educated person with a big curiousity of Islam and looks like there’s no little excuses to reject this perfect guy.I still study at university but papa said that he could wait the wedding until I graduated.

I’ve met him once, it was a couple months ago and at that time, I almost say nothing! I don’t even know what should I say to him. The best thing I can do is keep pretending bussy to prepared dinner and the stuff for him to pray when I heard adzan in evening. After that day, my mama can’t stop talking about how interesting the disscusions between them and how lovely his behavior. The point is, mama love him. Papa love him. I don’t even know him. Ow, I got a big signal that they want me to be his bride.

Sometimes, I just wonder how it feels to love and to be loved by someone. Have a nice relationship with a guy and knowing each other then finnaly be sure to get married. I guess I’ll never know it. At one side, I love my parents—they knew what’s the best for me—and if that’s a destiny for me to get married with him, it’s ok. But at the other side, I’m scared that if I don’t like this or if I mind, I’ll dissapointed lots of people, especially my parents. Huff…do you have any comment about this? I’ll be open-minded for any good advice you can give…

 

[aisha16]

Sis I really don't know what's best honestly...marriage is a huge step for everyone and it has to be really serious. Insha'Allah i'll keep you in my duaa.

But about having a boyfreind or loving someone, i can tell you that honestly those kinda relationships are pointless...it's not REAL love. Your not in it furreal, you know. But Insha'Allah one day you marry a pious Muslim brother.

 

[rightpath_357]

AW dear, dear sis!!!!!!!
First get to know the brother- and then decide yourself. Don't be worried about disappointing your parents- they would be horrified if you got married and they found out you didn't want to marry him. Follow your own self sis.


Insha'Allah I will keep u in my du'aas.


May Allah marry you to a perfect husband that you like soon. Ameen.

 

[Fahra]

Ayayaa

Thanks for the advise friends..
Unfortunately, he live in another province (near from expedition place of my papa research) and he seems like very bussy with his job so he couldn't even have a few minutes to call me.. I don't even know wether he likes me or not.
Ya..I'll do duaa and I hope Allaah would give me the best answer..

 

[Abu Talib]

:salam2:

Sometimes, I just wonder how it feels to love and to be loved by someone. Have a nice relationship with a guy and knowing each other then finnaly be sure to get married. I guess I’ll never know it. At one side, I love my parents—they knew what’s the best for me—and if that’s a destiny for me to get married with him, it’s ok. But at the other side, I’m scared that if I don’t like this or if I mind, I’ll dissapointed lots of people, especially my parents. Huff…do you have any comment about this? I’ll be open-minded for any good advice you can give…

This is all from shaytaan beware from him. Pray istikhara and ask ALLAH for help and remember ALLAAH knows what is good and bad for us.

Please read this for more info

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/85056/marriage%20proposal

 

[muazzi]

Thanks for the advise friends..
Unfortunately, he live in another province (near from expedition place of my papa research) and he seems like very bussy with his job so he couldn't even have a few minutes to call me.. I don't even know wether he likes me or not.
Ya..I'll do duaa and I hope Allaah would give me the best answer..

slmz sista

LmAo women and their love stories the best advice is i can give you is salaatul istikharaa(the salaah in askin for help in anythin do it and insha allah you make the right choice

 

[naz haider]

praying Istikhara seems the best option. I am doing so myself as I have received a couple of proposals myself. May Allah help us choose the best.
And do not worry about the love angle. Once you get married to the guy, love and care will seep in unannounced. Just make sure that the guy is really good and is steadfast on his deen. May Allah give you the best husband as you are a really nice and lovely sister. :tti_sister:

 

[almanar]

Assalamualaikum sister.

I am not married woman but all i can say is..you should try to seek any informations about your future husband. At least you ask ur parents about certain things that concern your deen. You have to know what kind of husband you do want, because he is going to live with you forever inshaallah. All in all, having 'tawakkul' is over all these things. But doesn't mean that we must not work hard to do our best in order to get a good result.

I advice you to ask your parents all you want to know about this guy.

Inshaallah once you get married you will know what does 'the love' means. That is my married sister's advice to me. I believe that the best reward in this dunya for a believer is to find a right spouse for him/her.

Inshaallah may Allah marry you with His good and pious slave.

Sorry for my bad english. Assalamualaikum.

 

[arzafar]

maybe you can move this to the sisters only section so that you an have an open discussion.

also why dont you talk to this prospective husband via email, or ask your parents to invite him for dinner etc to get to know him.

all i can say is that dont let your parents pressurize you. istikhara is a good option.

 

[NourAlDeen]

Bismillah rahmaani raheem..

Asalamu aleikum wr wb sister. InshaALLAH I ask ALLAH to help you and guide you to the right way inshaALLAH.

As many sisters already said, marriage is a huge step and you have to be 100% sure about if you really want him or not.

Firstly, the boyfriends/girlsfriend things is NOT Islamic, and its harram!!! Thats what the kuffar does and ALLAH subaha wata'ala doesnt bless a marriage started in that way.. Every step me take as muslim we have to do it fisabilillah (for the sake of ALLLAH azawajal) and (sometimes) thinkin of the herafter inshaALLAH, coz every decision and step we take? It either take us to the path of shaitan (jahanama) or jannah. So inshaALLAH please think about it!!!!

Love/feelings can come after the marriage, but if you absolutely want to get feelings..
The Prophet salallahu alehi wasalam said that if you dont like his looks and you dont feel attracted you are allowed to reject the marriage. Even though its best to choose someone by their deen..

InshaALLAH, talk with you parents, its good to reject a marriage you dont want than getting divorce later by the same reason you didnt wanted to marry him..

InshaALLAH may ALLAH be with you sister..

Fi amanillah!!!

 

[Abu Talib]

:salam2:

What to do upon receiving a proposal:

The young woman should pray Istikhaarah (i.e., the Prayer of Guidance) and not to ask others to pray it on her behalf, as some women do, as this is a baseless act and an innovation in the religion. Furthermore, she should seek the advice of trustworthy people and inquire about the person.

Imaam Ahmad (may Allah have mercy on him) reported the story of Julaybeeb (may Allah be pleased with him) who was sent by the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) to one of the families of the Ansaar (i.e., the residents of Madeenah) to give him their daughter in marriage. Julaybeeb (may Allah be pleased with him) was very impoverished and so the young woman's mother reused the offer, but the young woman spoke out and agreed to marry him because he was sent to her by the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) himself. The result was that she never suffered in any way, and that there was no other woman of the Ansaar who was wealthier than her. This is because Julaybeeb (may Allah be pleased with him) was killed in the very next battle that occurred after his marriage, having killed seven disbelievers in it. Upon finding his body, the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) carried him and buried him with his own hands. He (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) also supplicated for the widow, saying: “O Allaah! Pour Your blessings upon her and do not make her suffer in life.” It was due to this supplication that she never suffered, in any way, and that there was no woman from the Ansaar wealthier than her.

If the man proposing wishes that his future wife give up her studies or job after marriage, and he is a suitable man, then this should not hamper the marriage. Also, if the man finds such a young woman to be a suitable one, he should not reconsider marrying her due to this, as he could marry her and then convince her after marriage to give it up.

Similarly, the family and the young woman should not refuse a proposal from a man due to him having children from a previous marriage.

Some young women overlook certain matters, such as the man's looks and wealth, only to have misgivings and regret their decision later. Therefore, the young woman should be absolutely sure before giving her approval and be honest with herself when she makes her decision. Moreover, she should be content with him based on religious convictions. Some women always advise their friends regarding the matter of being a second wife, stating that it is an integral part of Islaam and that they should not refuse a man simply because he is already married; however, when they themselves get married as second wives, they act very differently to the advice they gave others, due to their covetousness.

The young woman should be a facilitating factor in her marriage; she should, for example, refuse to set unbearable conditions or a high dowry, but if her family insists, then she should nominally agree and then relieve her husband of such difficulties later on.

Some women behave arrogantly towards their husbands due to holding advanced degrees, having a noble lineage, the wealth of their families, or their beauty. The result of this arrogance is that they act rebelliously towards their husbands and thus acquire sin.

Fears of some young women in the process of marriage:

Some young women fear the imminent loss of their close friends and sisters due to their impending marriage. This may cause them to hate the future husband, perhaps causing them, prior to the wedding night, to go as far as to seek to annul the marriage contract.

This could happen for many reasons, such as:

· Improperly assessing the consequences of such actions.

· Having an irresponsible and reckless attitude.

· Favouring the joy of the short term over the long term one of having children and the establishment of a happy marital life.

Also, the husband should not deprive his wife of her female friends and relatives. The Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) would allow the female friends of ‘Aa’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) to visit her.

When a young woman is being proposed to, she should educate herself about the rulings of marriage, the rights of the husband, the rights of the wife, and how to live in kindness and harmony with her spouse. On the other hand, she should not concern herself with studying the sexual aspects of marital life until the marriage contract is completed.

The wife's role in her home:

This is to serve her husband, bear, nurse, and nurture his children, and be a housewife.

If a woman is used to being immersed in the study and propagation of Islaam, and then marries whilst not clearly having in mind a role as a wife, she may begin feeling, very shortly after marriage, that her new role as a wife is a trivial one. This may cause her to begin leaving her house to resume her former lifestyle. It is vital, however, that she understand her role and obligation as a wife and the reward of fulfilling them. Anas (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (sallallahu `alayhi wa sallam) said: “If a woman prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month (i.e. the month of Ramadhaan), guards her private parts and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from any of its gates that she wishes.” [Abu Nu’aym]

The married woman must persevere through the hardships of pregnancy, pre-delivery contractions and the agony of the delivery itself. Some women refuse to go through such hardships and take birth control pills to prevent pregnancy, or, if they do get pregnant, prefer a caesarean section over a normal delivery.

‘Amr Ibn Hijr (may Allah have mercy on him) married Kindah Bint ‘Awf Ash-Shaybaani (may Allah have mercy on him). On her wedding night, her mother, Umaamah Bint Al-Haarith (may Allah be pleased with her) took her aside and advised her: “Dear daughter! You are leaving the environment which you are accustomed to and departing from the place you grew up in to a partner whom you are unfamiliar with. If a woman had no need of a husband due to her parents sufficing her, then you would be the last person to require a husband, but women were created to be the partners of men, and men were created to be the partners of women. Act like his slave, and he will become like your slave. Uphold the following ten matters and you will find them to be provisions: The first and second are to be content with what he provides and to listen to and obey him. The third and the fourth are to make sure that all he sees and smells from you are pleasing to him, so he should not see you in a displeasing appearance, nor smell anything but a fine fragrance from you. The fifth and the sixth are to comfort him in his sleep and food, because repeated hunger and lack of sleep will enflame his anger. The seventh and the eighth are to protect his wealth and take care of his children; the focal point regarding wealth is to have good judgement in spending it, and that regarding the children is to properly nurture them. The ninth and the tenth are to not disobey his commands or disclose his secrets, because when you disobey him you intimidate him, and if you disclose his secrets you would not know what he may do to you. Do not be joyful in front of him when he is upset, or express sadness if he is happy."

‘Abdullaah Ibn Ja’far (may Allah have mercy on him) addressed his daughter saying: “Avoid jealousy, as it is the key to your divorce; avoid complaint, as it instigates anger; adorn yourself for him, and make sure you wash away any bad odours by frequent bathing.”

Pre-marital errors on the part of women:

· Freely talking to males on the telephone and being open with male relatives.

· Being over confident and rejecting many of those who propose.

· Not differentiating between wisdom and fast rejection.

· Not having the criterion by which to judge the proposing person clearly in mind.

Finally, many young women wish to get married but they waste their time daydreaming and wishfully thinking about the ideal husband. This is all fruitless; the best way for them to attain a good husband would be to busy themselves in supplicating to Allaah to provide such a person.

Reference:www.islamweb.net

 

[Fahra]

Hi

Wow..
Thanks a lot for your all attention, friends! A big thanks and "unvisible hug" for those who tell me about lovely hadeeth from another site (with a similar question) and those who tell a good stories about marriage at a time when our Prophet Saw live.
I had spoke to my mama and alhamdulillah she support me with a good advice. She said that I should relax and don't think too much. I still have another 2 years to get to know him better and the best part was when she said that, if it's still hard for me to get connect with this guy, I'm still a happy single woman who could get another high quality single man and she'll suport me! Alhamdulillah, I could told her about my doubt openly.
Once again,thanks a lot for encourage myself..

 

[louise_soso]

aww mashallah ...this is cute...but erm i dnt knw what advice to give you becouse i feel the same altho my dad has not got anyone lined up for me...
hope u end up happy and i hope you feel what love is
:salam2: