Soup Kitchen Dilemma

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ShahnazZ

Striving2BeAStranger
:salam2:, I hope you're all in the best state of health and iman.

For those who don't know, I work with young Muslim girls from the ages of 13-20 at a nonprofit agency that works with domestic violence victims in the NYC Muslim community. Since I'm in charge of the youth program, one of our goals is to encourage and promote Muslim youth to work for social justice and perform community service. One of the ways we used to do this was by partnering with Muslims Against Hunger, a North American network of volunteer communities who aim to help the hungry and homeless in our collective backyards by providing hot lunches and dinners to hungry, homeless and poor families and individuals (in my case, New York City). We partner with a local church, where we meet them on Saturdays, help them prepare meals and serve them to the hungry and/or homeless individuals that come.

As Muslims, we've worked side by side with people of other faiths to help feed the hungry. I've come across so many amazing individuals of different faiths and backgrounds who are willing to help contribute to the greater good and it's an amazing feeling to unite and come together in this cause. I also feel that this is a great way to do dawah as the current atmosphere in NYC is suspicious towards Muslims. To see Muslims taking part in such an amazing community effort, in my eyes, not only shows people that we are also productive members of society but that our morals and values uphold the aspect of community service as well as taking care of our neighbors.

However, I'm facing an issue regarding this now.

In the past, while volunteering with them, when it came time to serve the food to the hungry individuals there were times where I felt uncomfortable with the level of proximity I encountered with those that I was serving. Many of the men were leering at me and although they were all polite and respectful, some of them made comments that indicated that they found me attractive. Additionally, the seating is arranged in such a way that the seats are pretty low and crowded together. I felt some discomfort moving between the tables as it would bring me pretty close to the individuals. The women were one thing, but being that close to a strange man to the point where he can easily reach out and...uh.... grab me is pretty unnerving.

Yet I am confused then when I read such statements by Muslims Against Hunger to promote volunteering at the soup kitchens:

"It is an Islamic tradition to feed the poor and needy. Serving at the Soup kitchen gives the Muslim community an opportunity to participate in the "Act of Righteousness" and show the community-at-large the true and compassionate face of the Muslims and Islam."
http://www.muslimsagainsthunger.com/

I'm not sure what to do now. Alhamdulillah, Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala has given me respect in this world, to the point where many of the young Muslim girls that I come across or work with, start to view me as their role model and look up to me to provide the right example of a Muslim woman for them. Although I am grateful to be considered such, this can be an enormous burden on me. I have to constantly check myself to make sure I'm not doing anything that contradicts Allah's Commands because I know these girls are always watching me. I don't ever want to misguide them in any way or teach them to do something that goes against Islamic values.

When my mother found out that we were planning on visiting the soup kitchen again, although she appreciated the gesture, she questioned whether I was doing the right thing by taking young girls into an area where they would be "studied" and scrutinized by non-Muslim men. Although there are women present, there are some men are not discreet about their appreciation of women. I don't want the girls with me to be uncomfortable nor do I want them to be subjected to this type of scrutiny where they're the objects of someone else's eye.

I have still felt an immense sense of reward at having contributed to serving the less fortunate and when helping to serve these individuals, I have been pleased to see that many of them responded so positively and appreciatively to having a Muslim group serve them. We definitely swayed hearts and minds and the Muslim teenagers that have participated enjoyed the experience. They also learned how to contribute to their communities as well as the enormous sense of satisfaction one experiences when giving back to those less fortunate.

Bottom line: Do I sacrifice all for the greater good? Or do I have to limit contributing to the greater good because of my discomfort and the possibility that I may be instilling the wrong behavior in the youth that look up to me, thus taking the responsibility of their behavior on my shoulders?
 

Asja

Pearl of Islaam
Assalamu allaicum wa raahmatullah wa baarkatuhu dear sister

May Allah subhan wa teala help you in your work,and reword you for your good intentions.

Dear sister, I think it would be good that you wear a niqab ( full covering of face) when you are in neerness and contact with man with whom you work, If they do not see your face, than they may give less commants like that Inshallah,and you will aslo feel more comfortable in thier nearness. And Allah knows the best.

May Allah help you to find the right answer dear sister.

:wasalam:
 

Almaas

Junior Member
Wa'alaykum asalaam.

Sis, can give a simple answer.. istekhara?

I can completely understand your feelings.. if you feel uncomfortable then it's an awkward situation to put yourself in. However, this feelings could be influenced by shaytaan, to put you off doing a good deed.

If possible take a mahram or some Muslim guys along with you?

Having men gawping at you isn't a particularly nice position to be in, in fact it's awful, so if it was me I'd probably wouldn't attend this particular event, unless there I had one of my brothers with me.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,

Sister, those hungry and possibly homeless men are not thinking of you. Did the women of the Sahara not go into the battlefield.

Continue to work. That is the deed.

I am concerned that you have difficulty with these people. They are human beings. The men are not going to grab you.

Sister, people smell fear and they will tease you. What are you fearing? Why do you reduce these men to groveling fools. They are hungry and embarrassed.

If you feel uncomfortable, own the discomfort, but do not project it to them.

I am not trying to be rude.

And the men are grateful..they see a flower of Islam. They will not approach you.
 

limitthesky

New Member
:salam2:,

Bottom line: Do I sacrifice all for the greater good? Or do I have to limit contributing to the greater good because of my discomfort and the possibility that I may be instilling the wrong behavior in the youth that look up to me, thus taking the responsibility of their behavior on my shoulders?

:wasalam:

I think you know the answer to that better than anyone. As they say, "sin is what causes discomfort in the heart." So the question lies at: allow and be part of free-mixing without a specific need - or wave the injunction to hayaa' for the sake of a humanitarian 'good' which would be carried out anyways?

There are many ways for Muslims to get involved, without sacrificing or compromising their Deen.

May Allah help and direct you and all of us towards good.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,

Sister,

You are a very intelligent young woman with a love of serving Allah. I can not imagine how the people in the soup kitchen must feel when they see you. Here they are dejected and hopeless and suddenly, they see you.
Allah has given them a glimpse of a righteous woman. She is so beautiful yet, she humbles herself to serve them for the Love and Fear of Allah.

( that is all I was trying to say in my earlier post..)
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,

Help me out people. Men can not mix and neither can women. So who will feed the hungry? It can not be the Muslims by the fatawas posted.
 

Tabassum07

Smile for Allah
:salam2:

Sister, I wholeheartedly understand what you're saying - I would feel really uncomfortable if I was in your situation. But here's what I would try to do:

Help out in the organizing and the cooking and planning, but only do the behind-the-scenes work. Please sister, get brothers to serve the men. Where are the brothers? The sisters should be serving the females and the brothers the males. You don't have to continue as how you are now, nor do you have to quit doing a noble deed. Just please find a middle path and get help to assist you in this. There are bound to be guys helping out as well, right? Or maybe set the food up on tables if its possible, and the needy can get what they need.

No leering or staring or putting yourself up for this kind of embarassment is worth it.

I hope I haven't said anything wrong.

Aapa, muslims can still help out this way, but only through proper means.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,

Most soup kitchen/food pantries do not have the luxury of having enough help. Why not go and volunteer at such places.


Women have been in the same places as men..if women were on the battlefield..is that not enough evidence?


Proper means, sister??? Go and feed the hungry and poor. It is the intent of the heart. The action follows.


The bottom line is: do not feed the poor and hungry.
 

Tabassum07

Smile for Allah
Assalaam walaikum,

Proper means, sister??? Go and feed the hungry and poor. It is the intent of the heart. The action follows.


The bottom line is: do not feed the poor and hungry.

:wasalam:

Aww, Aapa, that's not what I'm saying - I'm just saying that she can still help out, but just to not be in such close proximity with the non-mahram men, the brothers can help out in that area, InshaAllah.
 

limitthesky

New Member
Assalaam walaikum,

Most soup kitchen/food pantries do not have the luxury of having enough help. Why not go and volunteer at such places.

Women have been in the same places as men..if women were on the battlefield..is that not enough evidence?

Proper means, sister??? Go and feed the hungry and poor. It is the intent of the heart. The action follows.

The bottom line is: do not feed the poor and hungry.

:wasalam:

There's nothing wrong in volunteering in places, but what's wrong is compromising aspects of our Deen in order to do so and just set a good image to the outside world. Our deen is complete and perfect, we dont need to pander to others to show that it is and go along with others standards of acceptance. If Allaah has said something is good, then surely that is the case.

Tell me now, what were women doing in the battlefield? They aided and helped and provided necessary and needed assistance, it was dire and it was required and circumstantial based on that moment to uphold and strengthen the Muslims. So therefore, no, it is not enough evidence at all. Circumstantial evidence cannot support a general case.

Yes by all means go feed the poor and hungry, keep your intentions intact, but watch your actions as well. Halaal actions can never be fruitful through Haraam means. Tell me if a person steals an apple intending to give it to the poor, does that justify his action?

And please, Aapa make your own bottom lines but dont assume it of others? I dont think anyone her said, or will ever say that.
 

mezeren

Junior Member
:salam2:,
Bottom line: Do I sacrifice all for the greater good?

:salam2:

Sister,

What is grater than what Allah orders?

i can not remember a single time when Rasullullah(a.s.) sacrificed Allah's orders while he was calling people to islam.Your first priority is to save yourself first.

i appreciate your efforts for the sake of Allah.But there is always a solution and i am sure you will find it.

The bottom line is not correct unless there is a life threatening situation,i believe.

Take care.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,

Girls, I am not being mean. We have so many opportunities to help our communities. ( besides, it's a tax write-off).

We have cultural constraints here. Things are mixed. There are financial constraints.

We could open our masjids and have brothers cook, clean and serve food.

I know a masjid that makes lunches and the sisters deliver the food to the hungry.

I guess it boils down to an individual decision.

Sister Shahnaz is offering her youth group an opportunity to serve the community and it is a wonderful experience. Many school systems require service to the community as part of graduation requirements.

When you live in the west you are in mixed company. Nurses work with male and female patients, doctors do have go give through examinations, girls have male teachers and professors.

We do not live in isolated clusters. Even in organizations for women they have male employees.
 

Tabassum07

Smile for Allah
Aapa, I'm totally understanding what you're saying, and yes, I agree that we muslims are horrible when it comes to doing the community work such as all the non-muslims are doing.

However. The best way would be for Sister Shahnazz to volunteer and help out in planning, cooking, cleaning, whatever it takes. She can ladle the food into bowls and plates, but, in my humble opinion, when she needs to take this food over to the hungry men, she should give the tray to one of the brothers and they take it out to the men. She can do her full share with the women. If the hungry men and women are sitting together, which would be the case, then why cannot Sister Shahnazz have a brother accompany her while she's giving out the food?

I'm just concerned because if I think of myself in that situation, where there is a possibility of being leered at, or God forbid, groped, I would want to run. But if a brother is standing nearby, the men won't dare do anything. Sister Shahnazz, just don't do serve the guys alone, and InshaAllah you'll be fine.

Isn't this always what we do in our homes as well? If we have guests and have to serve them tea, it depends on who will take the refreshments over. If there are females present, always either my mom or I took the food over. However, if the guests consisted of men only, then after preparing everything, I would call my father or brothers over and they would take the food to the guests.

I hope that what I'm saying makes sense, InshaAllah.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,

You make sense...I am extending the process.

I do not have issues with nonsense. If the job needs to be done, I do it.

I am positive this is so cultural. And thus it comes as a shock to me.

These men are not leering. They will not group. Most food pantries are run by religious and well meaning people. These men are homeless and humbled. They have been in the elements and have lost families. They are not looking for easy sex. They are looking for food and shelter, first. They will not bite the hand that feeds them.

And lastly, I think it is time for our brothers to go out there and do something. They want to limit women..well..go and do it yourself instead of drinking tea at the masjid and expecting a woman to clean it.
 

ahmed_indian

to Allah we belong
Assalaam walaikum,

Sister, those hungry and possibly homeless men are not thinking of you. Did the women of the Sahara not go into the battlefield.

Continue to work. That is the deed.

I am concerned that you have difficulty with these people. They are human beings. The men are not going to grab you.

Sister, people smell fear and they will tease you. What are you fearing? Why do you reduce these men to groveling fools. They are hungry and embarrassed.

If you feel uncomfortable, own the discomfort, but do not project it to them.

I am not trying to be rude.

And the men are grateful..they see a flower of Islam. They will not approach you.

:wasalam:,

sorry to disagree but life is not a world of fantasy where all is good.

its not abt not helping our poor brothers and sisters. its about the method. the sisters can help women and brothers can do for males.

its not so difficult in NY. atleast sister OP can try for it.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,

I wish I lived in a fantasy world where I did not have to face the prospect of hunger and poverty. Have you ever been to a food bank, where people wait an hour to get a bag of groceries? Have you ever volunteered where the stench of people makes you want to vomit, they have no home. And all you are concerned about is some man may leer at you?

What method: to not feed the poor and hungry?

These are cultural issues.

Besides there is many a sister out there who fends for herself...has it not occurred to many that if a sister is on welfare she has to do community service, she is assigned to work.

I am waiting an answer to this.

What I see is many people who are unaware of the realities of life.

I want some serious responses that are sound.

This oh let the sisters work with sisters and brothers work with brothers is not feasible given the economic realities.

Has it occured to anyone that our sisters who are in prison are searched by male guards..

Anyhow. ce la vie. So much for liberated women.
 

Tabassum07

Smile for Allah
Assalaam walaikum,

What I see is many people who are unaware of the realities of life.

:salam2:

Hmm. Aapa, you know, I think this is the main issue. We're all young and have lived a sheltered life - this might be the truth of the matter. Of course we haven't had the life experiences which you might have had, which is why we're so weak-hearted about this? Is that it?

But.. well, I really don't know what to think anymore. :girl3: But I'm also sure that sister Shahnazz is not dreaming up these problems with the males - what's happening is happening. So we just deal with it? Sigh.. I seriously just don't know. Life *is* really stressful, no one's denying that, and we have to do the best we can. But we can't ignore the bad things out there either. So do we run from them or do we face them head on? Or is it possible to strike a middle balance between the two?

That's what I'd like to know. I think I'm done with this thread, as I have absolutely no right to say anything.

:wasalam:
 
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