Advice for possible engagement?

Discussion in 'TurnToIslam Lounge !' started by Ashima33, Nov 24, 2008.

  1. Ashima33
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    Ashima33 Junior Member

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    Salaam,

    I'm seeking some advice from all of you on the situation I am in. As some may know, I converted about a month and a half ago. The man who originally introduced me to Islam has been talking with me about marraige but said he wants to do istikhara first. Is there any advice on what I should keep in mind during this time? I'm not going to lie... it makes me very anxious just sitting and waiting... but I know I must be patient. Also, I was instructed to wait a year before marraige after converting. Do you think it's okay to be engaged until then? AND, (I have more questions than I thought, hehe)... is there any advice on how to handle his mother? It is her dream that her son marry a pakistani girl... and I'm about as white as they come. I really need some advice on this last part. His mom is not going to take it so well... I find myself thinking that when he and his mother get into arguments, my potential husband could be taking it as a bad sign towards us getting married... and I don't want to torment and consume myself with these thoughts!!!!

    Thank you for anything you can provide!!!
  2. ShyHijabi
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    ShyHijabi Junior Member

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    Salaam sister,

    Welcome to my world, lol. There is no prescribed waiting time for marriage so I don't know why you were told to wait a year. However, it may take a year or more for his mother to get used to the idea of having a daughter-in-law that does not fit the picture in her head. So a long engagement may not be a bad idea. The challenge comes into maintaining the proper boundaries between you and the man in the meantime.

    How I dealt with a reluctant future mother in law was to allow her son to do all the talking. He was extrremely patient and waited for his mother to approach him with questions after he made his intention clear. I met his parents twice and his mother would ask questions, then retreat, ask questions, then retreat. It was like having a mental dance with someone.

    Patience, patience, patience. But he needs to be up front with his mother immediately so that no sneaking or secrets come of this. He owes that to his mother and also to you as a fellow Muslim.

    Wasalaam

    ~Sarah
  3. Ashima33
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    Ashima33 Junior Member

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    Waiting one year for marraige was advised to me by Imam Zaid Shakir when I took shahada with him. I'm assuming it's to give me the time to become used to being muslim and learning what I need to.
  4. Tru3m0sl3m
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    Tru3m0sl3m Brother in ISLAM

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    :salam2:

    Mashallah! 2nd pakistani marrying a revert. I guess there are some videos out here too on the same. I've got a question that might be strange sisters. Are there too many pakistani's out there? lol. I don't mean to offend anyone ummm just curious. Alhamdulillah i've seen reverts changing paki's as well.

    :wasalam:
  5. Tru3m0sl3m
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    Tru3m0sl3m Brother in ISLAM

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    Hoist the flag of Islam HIGH Dear Brothers and Sisters in ISLAM!!
  6. Almeftah
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    Almeftah Junior Member

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    السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

    If you decide to get married:

    1. It is important to be straight forward about all your needs and be firm about it.

    For example:

    * I have material needs: i need a place of my own to live in. i need a car to get me to work....etc.

    * other needs, I never felt loved before i need a romantic husband...etc.

    2. Dont ever think about change in the future, for no one ever knows what the future hides.

    3. Ask him about his Salah, does he perform it on time in the mosque.

    4. Some men love shy women, but dont let you shyness stop you from being clear and ask all your questions or answer all his questions.

    5. Most important, If you see something you dont like about him, dont say i can change that, many people did that and found out they were wrong then got divorced in an ugly way.

    These are just a few points out of my own experience.. Hope it to be of benefit.. good luck.
  7. meer suhail
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    meer suhail ILM seeker

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    well about are there to many pakistanis out there

    Asalam o Alykum
    well other day was watching gender ratio ,and about pakistan has 5 million more men than women
    lol what i found funny was ,,,,on the same hand ,5 million more women than men in USA
    got it ,,,lol not 2nd revert
    3rd revert
    Alhamdulilah ,,,
  8. BinteShafi
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    :salam2:

    To be honest...Pakistanis are disappointed about the situation in Pakistan...so they want to establish themsleves somewhere away from pakistan....
  9. AlQurtubi
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    Sister Ashima: Good luck. Pakistanis are honest , loving and sincere. Though there are bad persons too. I pray that he remains loyal to you. You might face a little resistance as our shy sister has said. But inshALLAH, things will get better. Contact sister Shy hijabi for further assistance :)

    Respected sister Bint-e-Shafi: Whole world is in crisis at the moment. No one is happy any where. So, what if someone is marrying her ? May be he is sincere with her?

    Brother Sohail, US needs man power :)
  10. Ashima33
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    Salaam,

    This man is a U.S. citizen... so he's definitely not trying to marry me just to stay here. And it's actually his dream to move out of this country!!! So... I definitely don't think that's an issue here! Thank you for the concern though.
  11. ShyHijabi
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    Salaam,

    Actually, until the person reaches the age of 65 or above, the men outnumber the women by a few million in Pakistan.

    https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/print/pk.html

    As far as whether more Pakistani males marry women who are not Pakistani, I think that is not true. From what I've observed I see more Arab men marrying non-Arabs than say...Malaysians, Indonesians, Somalians, etc., marrying outside their culture. Some cultures are slower to embrace changes and I think eventually that will all change.

    Alas I digress. Sister, the most important thing to look into is his deen. I think a year would be a good amount of time to see if he really does practice what he preaches. It will also give you time to allow his mother to become accustomed to the idea of her son marrying outside his culture. When marriage is discussed I think it a good idea to be very frank and discuss what you expect from a husband, whether it be patience, a desire to have lots/few children, how finances will be managed, and more. Usally elders take care of some of this but given that you are a revert you have to be your own ambassador.

    My PM box is always open if you want to ask more personal questions or just vent.

    Wasalaam

    ~Sarah
  12. khansahil
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    khansahil Junior Member

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    asalamalikum

    ahahaha well u guys mentioned paki im also a paki :p but nt livein in western world alkhamdulillah <<< wwhy?? cuz i was born in modern society (hong kong) is same as western culture 2 many fitnah's well i was born muslim but as u no wen u have friends in skool diffrent kind of origion...n so called modern society where u try to hide from others dat ur muslim cuz after 9.11.... i blame for my knowledge i never practised islam...... well anyway allkhamdulillah i started to practise islam since dan dunt wana luk bak.... mostly as (meer suhail) said men dosent like to marry in pk even me to cuz of the culture's ...they dunt follow religion dat much dan following da cultures.... i once told my mom abut my relationship wid 1 muslim girl she was in (hong kong) my mum replied no wht will other say.... lol is been 2 years im still tryin to convince mum... the girl waited for long time n now she got engage 2 sum1 else i think so.. wht hurtin me is ppl followin culture mre dan they follow islam they will pray 5 times a day do other things but da marrige u dunt have choice if they say no dan no if they say yes dan yes..... now diz is da reason why i dunt wana marry in pk ii will marry reverted muslima inshallah cuz for da sake of allah(swt) n these days im studyin so much abut women's right in islam dat i dunt wana wait any1 longer lol but patience is what allah(swt) likes... n im happy wen i see da reverted sister because they no mre abut islam dan muslims who were born as a muslim they dunt reliaize da gift of islam :) jazakallah khairr
  13. meer suhail
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    meer suhail ILM seeker

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    :wasalam:
    ok ,ahh that was what i was wanting ,
    i found the full gender ratio ,,,from i think site was geohive
    well ,,still from what i see ,is around 5 million approx ,somewhat near ,more men 2 in 15 or less and 3 in 64 or less ,,so you have it ,
    lets be prudent now ,,around 2.7 approx million in 15-64 age group and put around half million in marrying age ?? please ,,lol whatever ,
    but still thanks for the stats ,,
    but the ones who are out of country dont have anysuch problem they are the ones every mum want to get their daughter married too , taa

    yup ,i totally agree on arab men marrying non arabs trend ,know and have seen many reverts sisters marrying to saudis and egyptians mostly ,,,,,,pakistanis dont really ,stupid tight culture ,so many family problems come up ,so you dont really have much pakistani's marrying to non pakistani ,,,,,pretty ironic ,


    and then some one pointed that pakistanis trying to go out ,nope bro
    not i dont see any one , trying to run out ,that stage hasnt come ,people keep coming in and out ,so is normal ,
    well that brother already lives in US
  14. slaveofAllah88
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    :salam2:
    sister ... well let me start off by saying im a Pakistani, born and raised there most of my life, came to North American almost 7 years ago, well i fell in love with a white girl and she likes to accept islam but yea looking from her point of view things r not easy Its a huge huge change, i appreciate so much how she go thru so much pain to fight against all her family and stand beside me with pride after all the things that people say about muslims, if a girl can love u so much to leave her everything behind start a new life than she truly loves you doesn't matter if she is Pakistani or not her heart is pure with love that wat i look at. When it comes to religion, mashallah once she heard about Islam she really liked it and she is in the process of studying more and more and will inshallah inshallah convert soon, and this is wat i asked her to do to wait 6-12 months after conversion to see if Islam is right for her, and convert NOT FOR ME and she understands that and Alhumdulilah she is not shallow to convert just for a guy.

    Anywayz i told my mom about her lol 2 months ago LOL wow was that a interesting conversation lol well it was weird cuz all my life my mom taught me to make judgement based on religion not on race, sometimes if she would hear some Pakistani guy ran away from home and married a white girl ... she wud say it wud be better for the guy to tell his parents and if the girl was right his parents shud accept but if he believed that his parents decision was based on race then he has the right to refuse and talk to them. Well thats wat she told me

    But when i presented my case infront her, her first words were "She can be a good friend, but dont consider her for marriage" my face was like WOW i didn't even say much and she already made her mind anyhow i tried to show how i love this girl and religiously she is gud, she is repectable and all this n that. Anywayz after a long talk her final words were "if up to you if you feel like that makes you happy", well she never accepted it thou.

    I have just decided one thing, alhumdulilah I love my parents more than my life but this girl that extremely loves me and i love as well has done nothing wrong, it was Allah (swt) decision she was born in a white catholic family not hers, she was brought up the way her parents taught her, and i think it takes a lot of courage to stand up against your whole society and say I believe Islam is the right faith (she said that to her parents not being rude but by explaining).

    I appreciate everything she does, and i know my parents might not be so happy at first ONLY CUZ SHE IS NOT PAKISTANI, well im sorry to say Alhumdulilah she is a good girl, with a golden heart and just cuz she is not a pakistani is not a true representation of her, and its not like 100% of Pakistani girls r awesom religiously :SMILY129: and plus i see that the new converts appreciate Islam more than we do that have just inherited it (general statement doesn't imply to everyone),.

    So well im going to try to convince my parents, if they dont agree i will be really sad but the girl i love will not have to pay for it, I will protect her against any bad luk from my culture and knowing me I make my decisions based on Quran and hadith.

    WOW i rambled on a lot anywayz what i wanted to say sister was that ask the guy u love is to be strong, talk to his parents dont give up talk from Islamic point of view tell him to to equip himself with the weapon of knowledge :)
    :salam2:
  15. cmelbouzaidi
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    :salam2: you took shahada with Imam Zaid Shakir :) Subhan' Allah. congratulations on turning to Islam. i have no really good advice pertaining to marrying a gentleman from pakistan as i am irish and my husband is moroccan. i wish you the very best in your marriage and your life and welcome to the fastest growing religion in the world today.
    :wasalam:
  16. Mixedup
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    Hi Sister

    This is a toughy really but I'll try and help
    Firstly there is nothing wrong with been engaged for 1 year but its really a personal thing and only you can answer if you want to wait so long. I kinda get where your coming from and its hard if prior to conversion your relationship was one way and now it has to be another way. I am struggling myself as we were together 13years prior to my conversion and I converted a couple of weeks ago. You have to ask if you do not wait for this man then whether together or not you are still in the same boat.
    As for mother in laws well I cant say anything. After 13years my in laws still dont accept me and have nothing to do with me. I have never done them any harm or any one else for that fact but thats their choice and I cant change it.
    One bit of advise this old old old sister can give you is not to make your partner choose. I never have no matter how tempting because his mother is everything to him and I respect that relationship. I would hate to lose one of my sons so I would not do that.
    All I can say is keep at it and see how things go. You might be in for a suprise. They are weary of you just as you are of them. Like sister Sarah said let him handle his mother, answer questions politely and smile smile smile. The issue with Pakistanis is not in my opinion and experience religion it is culture..Thats the difficult one.
    I'm here if you want to PM me.
    Good Luck
    Jo
  17. gazkour
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    Assalamo alikom wa rahmato Allah wa barakato

    Dear sister,

    As other people have said Deen is the most important thing, that is what differentiate one person from the other.

    BUTI also have to tell you to be aware of the cultural differences, especially from the pakistanis. Unfortunately for some of them culture, tradition and honor is more relevant than Islam itself ( sorry, I don't want to offend anyone!!!). I have friends married to them, and their husbands are indeed good brothers, the problem comes with the very usual intervention of the family, specially mother in law . Basically you have to think that you would not be just marrying your husband but his entire family. I must say that this is very common not just in the pakistani culture but in the arab one, before anyone hates me more!

    My advise is to think sister, I think you still have a long way and don't let your emotions guide you, but your head, reason and deen.

    Personally for me, if I was to have a mother in law that rejects me because I'm white' or any different race.. that would say a lot about what it's coming .

    It's just one advise,sister. And I hope none of my pakistani brothers and sisters here take offense. That it's just what I have seen from my friends.

    May Allah forgive me if I've said anything wrong
    May Allah guide us all.

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