Advice to Muslim Bride /Wife

Discussion in 'Women, Family, and Marriage' started by IslamIsLight, Jan 14, 2009.

  1. Happy 2BA Muslim
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    Happy 2BA Muslim Islamophilic

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    :salam2:

    Another post to read until Sister Aisha gets her book back :).

    Fâtimah bint Qays relates the following:

    I mentioned to the Prophet that Mû`âwiyah b. Abû Sufyân and Abû Jahm have sought my hand in marriage.

    Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said: "As for Abû Jahm, he never spares the rod, and as for Mu`âwiyah, he is a loafer who never has any money. Marry Abû Zayd."

    I disliked him, but the Prophet (peace be upon him) said again. "Marry Usâmah b. Zayd."

    I did so, and Allah brought about tremendous good from it.

    This is an authentic hadîth related in Sahîh Muslim.

    The meaning of this hadîth

    When the Prophet "peace be upon him" said: "He never spares the rod", it means that he would beat her if she became his wife.

    Usâmah b. Zayd b. Hârithah was a freed slave, and therefore had no social status in society. Both Mu`âwiyah and Abû Jahm were of noble breeding and were her social equals. In both cases, the Prophet (peace be upon him) faults them for their characters.

    Its legal implications

    This hadîth is evidence that equal social status is not a condition for marriage in Islam.

    There can be no doubt that, for Muslims, religion is a necessary consideration when it comes to choosing a suitable marriage partner.

    Allah says: "Do not marry idolatresses until they believe; for lo! a believing bondwoman is better than an idolatress though she please you; and give not your daughters in marriage to idolaters till they believe, for lo! a believing slave is better than an idolater though he please you." [Sûrah al-Baqarah: 221]

    Even when a Muslim man marries a Jewish or Christian woman, her chastity and the uprightness of her character are still important considerations.

    We can see this where Allah says: "(Lawful unto you in marriage) are (not only) chaste women who are believers, but chaste women among the People of the Book, revealed before your time,- when ye give them their due dowers, and desire chastity, not lewdness, nor secret intrigues" [Sûrah al-Mâ'idah: 5]

    As for equality other matters – like race, ethnicity, and economic status – this is not legally recognized as a condition for marriage in Islamic Law. All people are equal to each other, regardless of how they might differ in these matters. Allah makes it clear that our status in Islam is based solely on righteousness: "Indeed, the most honorable of you with Allah are those who are the most God-fearing among you." [Sûrah al-Hujurât: 13]

    The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "Human beings are equal. There is no preference of an Arab over a non-Arab. Preference is only through piety." [Musnad Ahmad (23489)]

    We see where the Prophet (peace be upon him) put this principle into practice when he advised Fâtimah bint Qays to marry the freed slave Usâmah b. Zayd when she came to him for his opinion on her marrying her social equals Mu`âwiyah and Abû Jahm. [Sahîh Muslim (1480)]

    On another occasion, the Prophet (peace be upon him) advised: "O clan of Bayâdah, have her marry Abû Hind." [Sunan Abî Dâwûd (2102)]

    Abû Hind worked as a cupper, carrying out the procedure of medicinal bloodletting, which was an occupation of very low status in Arabian society.

    All of the hadîth we have just mentioned are authentic.

    We cannot say the same thing for the hadîth which claims that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: "Arabs are the equals of each other." [Sunan al-Bayhaqî (7/1740]

    The chain of transmission for this hadîth is extremely weak. The hadîth scholar Abû Hâtim al-Râzî goes as far as to say it is a falsehood (munkar).

    At the same time, we must acknowledge that, when it comes to issues of selecting a marriage partner, cultural standards are important. They should be taken into consideration as long as they do not contradict with Islamic teachings. When people get married who have dissimilar economic or cultural expectations, it can lead to problems in their lives as well as between the in-laws. Divorce becomes more likely, as well as strife over monetary matters.

    Incompatible matches, for whatever reason, should be avoided. However, it is a mistake to treat social status, ethnicity, and cultural similarity as if they were conditions of a legally valid marriage, or to allege that the marriage of people who differ in these considerations is frowned upon in Islamic Law. Consideration of such factors is merely a question of compatibility mutual and of people making a happy marriage choice.

    :salam2:
  2. alkathiri
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    alkathiri As-Shafaa'i(Brother)

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    JazakAllah khair sister Aisha and big brother^
  3. Tabassum07
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    Tabassum07 Smile for Allah

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    Hey.. wait...

    Is this book called "A Gift to a Muslim Bride" by any chance????

    Because everything is the same, and I've read it already. It's an amazing book, and I went through a transformation while reading it. When I started reading it a year ago, at first I thought "What?? Islam says that women must sacrifice everything for their husbands without caring for herself??" But that was when I wasn't practicing deen very well. But during my reading, it was like my mind just woke up, and by the time I finished reading the entire book several months later, my complete viewpoint has changed, and its one of my most favourite books :)
  4. Robab
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    Robab daughter of Adam

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    jazakallah for this

    Aslam o alicom.
    MAy Allah give u best reward.Ameen
  5. islamisthesolution
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    islamisthesolution Junior Member

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    :salam2:

    jazaki Allahu khyran kathiran for the nice thread .

    i need to know how to deal with the fiance " the husband to be " in an islamic way .

    :salam2:
  6. IslamIsLight
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    IslamIsLight Islam is my life Staff Member

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    salam aleikum
    Yes :) you right .The book is called " A gift to Muslim Bride"

    waaleikum salam
  7. Nurain
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    Nurain Junior Member

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    Salam sis Aisha

    Thank you for this thread, jazakAllaah khair. Hmmmm but a much more feminist side in me says, hey! All these are sided towards the men! Hehehe kidding.
  8. IslamIsLight
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    IslamIsLight Islam is my life Staff Member

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    salam aleikum
    Needed to pull this thread out .Since I recently got married and now need to apply these advices myself :lol:

    waaleikum salam
  9. IslamIsLight
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    IslamIsLight Islam is my life Staff Member

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    salam aleikum
    I want to continue posting from the book .
    So this is next advice .Its little bit long but worth reading every part of it ..
    Enjoy:SMILY252::SMILY252::SMILY252:
    She is obedient to her husband and shows him respect


    [​IMG]

    The true Muslim woman is always obedient to her husband, provided that no sin is involved. She is respectful towards him and is always eager to please him and make him happy. If he is poor, she does not complain about his being unable to spend much. She does not complain about her housework, because she remembers that many of the virtuous women in Islamic history set an example of patience, goodness and a positive attitude in serving their husbands and taking care of their homes despite the poverty and hardships they faced. One of the foremost of these exemplary wives is Fatimah al-Zahra’, the daughter of Muhammad and 5 the wife of ‘Ali ibn Abi Talib (RAA). She used to complain of the pain in her ands caused by grinding grain with the hand-mill. Her husband ‘Ali ibn Abi Talib said to her one day, “Your father has brought some female slaves, so go and ask him for one of them to come and serve you.” She went to her father, but she felt too shy to ask him for what she wanted. ‘Ali went and asked him to provide a servant for his beloved daughter, but the Prophet (SAW) could not respond to those who most dear to him whilst ignoring the needs of the poor among the Muslims, so he came to his daughter and her husband and said: “Shall I not teach you something that is better than that for which you asked me? When you go to bed at night, say ‘Subhaan Allah’ thirty-three times, ‘Al-hamdu lillaah’ thirty-three times, and ‘Allahu akbar’ thirty-four times. This is better for you than a servant.”

    Then he bid them farewell and left, after giving them this divine help which would make them forget their tiredness and help them to overcome their exhaustion.

    ‘Ali (RAA) began to repeat the words that the Prophet (SAW) had taught him. He said, “I never stopped doing that after he had taught me these words.” One of his companions asked him, “Not even on the night of Siffin?” He said, “Not even on the night of Siffin.”8

    Asma’ bint Abi Bakr al-Siddiq served her husband al-Zubayr, and took care of the house. Her husband had a horse, which she took care of, feeding it and exercising it. She also repaired the water-bucket, made bread, and carried dates on her head from far away. Al-Bukhaari and Muslim report this in her own words:

    “Al-Zubayr married me, and he had no wealth, no slaves, nothing except his horse. I used to feed his horse, looking after it and exercising it. I crushed date-stones to feed his camel. I used to bring water and repair the bucket, and I used to make bread but I could not bake it, so some of my Ansari neighbors, who were kind women, used to bake it for me. I used to carry the dates from the garden that the Prophet (SAW) had given to al-Zubayr on my head, and this garden was two-thirds of a farsakh away. One day I was coming back with the dates on my head. I met the Messenger of Allah (SAW), who had a group of his Companions with him. He called me, then told his camel to sit down so that I could ride behind him. I told (al-Zubayr), ‘I felt shy, because I know that you are a jealous man.’ He said, ‘It is worse for me to see you carrying the dates on your head than to see you riding behind him.’ Later, Abu Bakr sent me a servant, who relieved me of having to take care of the horse; it was as if I had been released from slavery.”9

    The true Muslim woman devotes herself to taking care of her house and husband. She knows her husband’s rights over her, and how great they are, as was confirmed by the Prophet (SAW)’s words:

    “No human being is permitted to prostrate to another, but if this were permitted I would have ordered wives to prostrate to their husbands, because of the greatness of the rights they have over them.”10

    And:

    “If I were to order anyone to prostrate to anyone else, I would have ordered women to prostrate to their husbands.”11 ‘A’ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) asked the Messenger of Allah (SAW) : “Who has the greatest rights over a woman?” He said, “Her husband.” She asked, ‘And who has the greatest rights over a man?” He said, “His mother.”12

    A woman came to ask the Prophet (SAW) about some matter, and when he had dealt with it, he asked her, “Do you have a husband?” She said, “Yes.” He asked her, “How are you with him?” She said, “I never fall short in my duties, except for that which is beyond me.” He said, “Pay attention to how you treat him, for he is your Paradise and your Hell.”13

    How can the Muslim woman complain about taking care of her house and husband when she hears these words of Prophet (SAW)ic guidance? She should fulfill her household duties and take care of her husband in a spirit of joy, because she is not carrying a tiresome burden, she is doing work in her home that she knows will bring reward from Allah (subhaanahu wa ‘ta’aalaa).

    The Sahaabah, may Allah (subhaanahu wa ‘ta’aalaa) be pleased with them, and those who followed them understood this Islamic teaching and transmitted it from the Prophet (SAW) . When a bride was prepared for marriage, she would be told to serve her husband and take care of his rights. Thus the Muslim woman knew her duties towards her husband, and down through the ages caring for her husband and being a good wife were established womanly attributes. One example of this is what was said by the faqih al-Hanbali ibn al-Jawzi in his book Ahkam al-Nisa’ (p. 331): In the second century AH there was a righteous man called Shu‘ayb ibn Harb, who used to fast and spend his nights in prayer. He wanted to marry a woman, and told her humbly, “I am a bad-tempered man.” She replied, tactfully and cleverly, “The one who makes you lose your temper is worse than you.” He realized that there stood before him a woman who was intelligent, wise and mature. He immediately said to her, “You will be my wife.”

    This woman had a clear understanding of how to be a good wife, which confirmed to the man who had come to seek her hand that she was a woman who would understand the psychology and nature of her husband and would know what would please him and what would make him angry; she would be able to win his heart and earn his admiration and respect, and would close the door to every possible source of conflict that could disrupt their married life. The woman who does not understand these realities does not deserve to be a successful wife; through her ignorance and shortcomings she may provoke her husband to lose his temper, in which case, she would be worse than him, for being the direct cause of his anger.

    The tactful Muslim woman is never like this. She helps her husband to be of good character, by displaying different types of intelligence, cleverness and alertness in the way she deals with him. This opens his heart to her and makes him fond of her, because being a good wife is a not only a quality that she may boast about among her friends, but it is also a eligious obligation for which Allah (subhaanahu wa ‘ta’aalaa) will call her to account: if she has done well, she will be rewarded, but if she has fallen short she will have to pay the penalty.

    One of the most important ways in which the Muslim woman obeys her husband is by respecting his wishes with regard to the permissible pleasures of daily life, such as social visits, food, dress, speech, etc. The more she responds to his wishes in such matters, the happier and more enjoyable the couple’s life becomes, and the closer it is to the spirit and teachings of Islam.

    The Muslim woman does not forget that her obedience to her husband is one of the things that may lead her to Paradise, as the Prophet (SAW) said:

    “If a woman prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month (of Ramadan), obeys her husband and guards her chastity, then it will be said to her: ‘Enter Paradise by whichever of its gates you wish.​
    ’”
  10. IslamIsLight
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    IslamIsLight Islam is my life Staff Member

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    salam aleikum
    The next advice is how to treat your husband's mother with kindness .
    There are many of us who are having hard time with in laws ,especially with mothers in law ..
    Its a very important for all of us to know how to treat your mother in law with kindness and respect and most of all patience ..
    Let's take this beautiful advice and try to change and improve our relationships with our mother in laws inshaAllah


    She treats his mother and family with kindness and respect


    [img=left]http://www.iloveyou-flowers.com/Images/Dreamstime%20round%20vase%20pinks%2009.jpg[/img]


    One of the ways in which a wife expresses her respect towards her husband is by honoring and respecting his mother.


    The Muslim woman who truly understands the teachings of her religion knows that the person who has the greatest right over a man is his mother, as we have seen in the hadeeth of ‘A’ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) quoted above. So she helps him to honor and respect his mother, by also honoring and respecting her.

    In this way she will do herself and her husband a favor, as she will be helping him to do good deeds and fear Allah (subhaanahu wa ‘ta’aalaa), as commanded by the Qur’aan. At the same time, she will endear herself to her husband, who will appreciate her honor and respect towards his family in general, and towards his mother in particular.

    Nothing could please a decent, righteous and respectful man more than seeing strong ties of love and respect between his wife and his family, and nothing could be more hateful to a decent man than to see those ties destroyed by the forces of evil, hatred and conspiracy. The Muslim family which is guided by faith in Allah (subhaanahu wa ‘ta’aalaa) and follows the pure teachings of Islam is unlikely to fall into the trap of such jahil behavior, which usually flourishes in an environment that is far removed from the true teachings of this religion.

    A Muslim wife may find herself being tested by her mother-in-law and other in-laws, if they are not of good character. If such is the case, she is obliged to treat them in the best way possible, which requires a great deal of cleverness, courtesy, diplomacy and repelling evil with that which is better.

    Thus she will maintain a balance between her relationship with her in-laws and her relationship with her husband, and she will protect herself and her marriage from any adverse effects that may result from the lack of such a balance.

    The Muslim woman should never think that she is the only one who is required to be a good and caring companion to her spouse, and that nothing similar is required of her husband or that there is nothing wrong with him mistreating her or failing to fulfill some of the responsibilities of marriage.

    Islam has regulated the marital relationship by giving each partner both rights and duties. The wife’s duties of honoring and taking care of her husband are balanced by the rights that she has over him, which are that he should protect her honor and dignity from all kinds of mockery, humiliation, trials or oppression. These rights of the wife comprise the husband’s duties towards her: he is obliged to honor them and fulfill them as completely as possible.

    One of the Muslim husband’s duties is to fulfill his role of qawwaam (maintainer and protector) properly. This is a role that can only be properly fulfilled by a man who is a successful leader in his home and family, one who possesses likable masculine qualities. Such a man has a noble and worthy attitude, is tolerant, overlooks minor errors, is in control of his married life, and is generous without being extravagant. He respects his wife’s feelings and makes her feel that she shares the responsibility of running the household affairs, bringing up the children, and working with him to build a sound Muslim family, as Islam wants it to be.​
  11. Basicofislam
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    Basicofislam sister

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    :salam2: thank you wish i had recieved this book when i got married.Believe me keeping the house shiny is so hard with a six month old ;)
  12. Maryam Sayyidina
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    Maryam Sayyidina Junior Member

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    :ma: be a bride need bullets such this advice. Any info where I can find the book?
  13. bari
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    bari Junior Member

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    :salam2:
    Can I take your permission? I want to present this knowledge in our masjid halaqa. This knowledge is disappearing from us.
  14. hayat84
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    hayat84 I'm not what you believe

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    :salam2:
    dear sister IslamIsLight,tell me the truth,did you write the thread for me:hearts::hearts:?????
    because after 1 month and 1/2 my husband in sh Allah next friday will come back from Italy and I'll finally meet him.in our situation we have the chance to see each other through Skype,so it's like if I see him everyday.but what you posted is an eye-opening for the women who don't know how to bahave when they meet their husbands after long time.wallahi,it was like this thread was poste just for me:)
    jazak Allahu khair
  15. sis khadidja
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    sis khadidja proud to be muslim

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    :salam2: great advice it needs a true beliver and an open mind to get what your saying:mashallah::hearts:
  16. IslamIsLight
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    IslamIsLight Islam is my life Staff Member

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    assalamu aleikum everyone.This is such an old thread. I just found it and decided to read all the posts.
    I don't have this book anymore but I wish we can continue posting in this thread.
  17. Koke
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    Koke Junior Member

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    I think most of this is simply common sense! If your husband is working hard for you and the children, shouldn't you (as the wife) be doing the same? We are all expected to contribute to our family, but in different ways. It keeps peace in the home to have the husband working and putting effort in a different sphere (like his job) and the wife doing the same in her sphere (the house if she is a house wife). This prevents conflict in the future of them "stepping on each other's toes".

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