bismillah. A revert who needs some help.

ARevert

New Member
As salam wa alaykum,

I hope this message reaches all of you in good health inshaAllah. I am a brother who reverted to Islam a few years ago alhamdulillah and I am going to have to kind of tell the whole story to get to the problem I am currently dealing with now. So, please be patient as it is some what of a long story. I will try to shorten it as much as possible inshaAllah.

A few years ago I was finishing my first bachelors degree at the university. I had some previous exposure to Islam, some negative and some positive. My first exposure was in high school when we watched this horrible movie called Not Without my Daughter. It is a terrible portray of Islam, but being atheist I didn't really think too much into the movie. The positive exposure was when my cousin reverted to Islam just after 9-11-2001 alhamdulillah, but again it didn't persuade me to look into Islam at all. So, while I was at the university I had met a girl and we began dating. After several months, meeting her family came up and she said I couldn't because dating was not allowed in her religion. Plus, she said she shouldn't even be with a non-Muslim because this is what Islam said. So, we just continued to date without much regard to her religion.

Eventually, I began to look into Islam. The first thing I read about Islam was this pamphlet that talked about the miracles of the Qur'aan. I was really impressed with what I was reading, being a logical person and all. So, I felt the need to read more about Islam and I started to read about the Prophet saw. I read about when the Prophet saw was in mount Hira and Jabreel (a.s.) visited him saying "Iqra" three times. Then as I was reading how he ran down to Khadija (r.a.) I began to cry, I don't know why, but I couldn't stop. She comforted him and believed every word he said. To me, this told me a lot about the Prophets (saw) character -- he truly was "al ameen". When I found out she technically was the first revert to Islam I was just in even more tears, but I didn't know why I was crying so much. It was very strange.

The next thing was, I listened to a recitation of surah Yaseen with english subtitles. When it started, I started to get chills throughout my entire body and I began to cry, again, as I read the the translation. I couldn't believe how beautiful it was. I got to the part of the surah that talks about hellfire and I began to cry even hard because I didn't want to be there. I did a lot of thinking after this and talked to this girl I was seeing about some other aspects of Islam, but she couldn't give me many answers because she wasn't practicing. Instead, she told me to read the Qur'aan. So I did. From the first ayat to the last ayat I was in tears, again, with chills all over my body. I couldn't put the Qur'aan down. It simply was the beautiful thing I have ever read. The translation was the Abdul Haleem translation if anyone is interested. After I read the Qur'aan, I went to the mosque and took my shahada alhamdulillah.

I started to talk the girl and said I would like to be with you, but not dating. I said I must meet your parents, you must start practicing, and we must do what is acceptable in Islam. I was very clear that I wanted a life dedicated to Allah swt and I wanted to raise a strong Islamic family. She agreed to this and began to pray again and stopped drinking. So, we got engaged, which is where we are at now.

The engagement started the downfall. From the beginning, I didn't feel really accepted by the family. Her dad is the president of the mosque, but isn't really practicing that much. I decided to go back to school for a degree that allowed me to work somewhere other than the financial sector because I was dealing with riba a lot. Her parents didn't seem to like this at all. Also, I felt like they didn't like that I was not from their culture and couldn't speak their language at all. My dedication to Islam didn't seem to even matter, but this seems to be how must of the community is where I live.

Now, back to the sister I am engaged to. It seemed just after the engagement she started to not practice again. We talked about modesty first. She didn't really dress modestly at all. I am big on modesty myself, as I always wear long pants and long sleeve shirts to be modest myself. She said we don't live in a Muslim country so we can adapt to the culture. I was concerned because she was taking things out of context. Next we talked about praying and she said she doesn't have time because of school, but I manage to find time with school and working. We talked about seeking knowledge and she said she doesn't have time with studying. The point is there is always some excuse. Its been a few years and very little has changed. I have been very patient and have tried my best to encourage her because this is another aspect of dowah, but I can't bring a family into the world eventually inshaAllah if she is not going to be practicing as well. I have encouraged her and her family to pray when I am at their house, but it hasn't been to successful.

We have talked about other things too like buying a house eventually inshaAllah, but I told her I refuse to take a non-Islamic loan out to get one. She screamed at me for this one and said I am ruining her dreams. I would go to an Imam, but I am too afraid because of the position her dad holds within the community. I don't know whether I should stay or I should leave? Islamically, it says we should marry for religion because that will help us prosper, but there is dawah in attempting to help a person to be more practicing. Any suggestions on what I should do would be much appreciated. JazakAllah khair in advance. Truly, only Allah swt is the changer of hearts.

may Allah swt protect us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,

Ok...its quite simple. You have to leave her.

Where you are; she is not. You discovered a world she is unaware of its existence.

You were hungry for knowledge and you gained knowledge.

You have to consider what is best for your soul. This is the deep stuff.

Women have to cover. End of subject. Whatever her rationale it is wrong. And it is wrong to justify it.

Talk to the imam. Do not let the economic-political stuff get in the way.

P.S. Welcome to the forum.
 
S

Sister Zohra

Guest
Assalaam walaikum,

Ok...its quite simple. You have to leave her.

Where you are; she is not. You discovered a world she is unaware of its existence.

You were hungry for knowledge and you gained knowledge.

You have to consider what is best for your soul. This is the deep stuff.

Women have to cover. End of subject. Whatever her rationale it is wrong. And it is wrong to justify it.

Talk to the imam. Do not let the economic-political stuff get in the way.

P.S. Welcome to the forum.

Assalamu Alaikum,

I second what Aapa said. Also brother, I want to say that I really admire your patience. Masha'Allah. I am amazed at how you handled your situation so far.
 

wantobeMumin

Junior Member
:salam2:
brother, you have felt the sweetness of iman and if the womean you are with is not on the same wavelenght then it is better for u and our iman that you walk away from this relationship. whatever feelings you have for her will disappear with time inshallah and you will find a better life partner! it is sad that u have to correct someone who was born muslim. Allah guides people in mysterious ways alhamdulilla.

buying house and dealing riba is not important atleast for now in ur situation.offcourse its haram and u have good intention. whats important is that u find a wife who is prcaticing muslim and not a muslim by name. it looks like her dreams are more important than you doing the right thing. just walk away from her. u will have better companions in Jannah inshallah.:wasalam:
 

a_stranger

Junior Member
:salam2:

Your story tells about how loving and mercifull is Allah subhanahu wa taaala.

Brother the world of faith that Allah subhanahu wa taaala guided to is the sweetest thing on earth, it is the door to Janna, if she can't come to this world being so close to you she might drag you out of it. Take care of yourself and leave her , try to find a true believer who love Allah subhanahu wa taaala and his deen.
 

Aisya al-Humaira

الحمدلله على كل حال
As salam wa alaykum,

I don't know whether I should stay or I should leave?

Wa'alaykummusalaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh,

Brother, deep down in your heart, you already have the answer. You know the answer but what's keeping you from doing the right thing is because of the attachment you have with this girl. Because letting go isn't easy. De-attachment will always hurt and causes pain.

But one thing I really believe is that, there is someone else out there meant for you. A woman, who is better in her deen and loves her faith as much as you do. The woman that Allaah has destined for you. How will you know who that person is? You put your faith in Allaah. Completely. Then He will let you know. He will leads you the way.

Islamically, it says we should marry for religion because that will help us prosper, but there is dawah in attempting to help a person to be more practicing.

True. And da'waah is equally important but what you need to consider greatly is that while you know how that person is from the beginning [you are engaged but how can she screams at you just because you want to obey Allaah's command?], then I'm sure you will have insecure feelings to enter the marriage life with that woman, yes? And what if you decide to marry her while knowing all along her character and then someday you have kids together, it will be quite a burden to manage the household, teaching your wife the deen esp because she isn't practicing and also bringing up the children in an Islaamic environment.

All I'm saying is, one needs to look at the bigger picture and try reconsider how things will be in the long run.

When I said that there is someone better for you, I pray that it is someone who practices her deen and will also supports [unlike your current situation; OPPOSES you] to practice the deen.

And I believe that when the hadeeth says that choose the one best in her deen; it is a person who have the same visions in this life as you do. To please The Creator and be gathered in Jannah in The Hereafter. That's the woman you need, brother.

So now, it is up to you to de-attach yourself from this woman and move on. Inshaa Allaah, He will provide for you.

may Allah swt protect us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen.

Ameen a'laa dua'ka.

:wasalam:
 

Kakorot

Junior Member
:salam2:

Sounds like cultural Muslims.

You don't want to start a family with someone who doesn't follow Islam. Just imagine how the children would end up and how confused they'd be.
 

kashif_nazeer

~~~Alhamdulillah~~~
:salam2:

Welcome to Islam first of all and to the website,dear brother.
MashaAllah it was inspirational to read you story and what effect Qur'an had on your heart.That is truly precious.
Brother first of all perform istikhara prayer.
Akhi,my advice would be to avoid anything that might be harmful for your akhirah.
Dawah is one of our duties,but sometimes somethings can harm us and shytaan looks for ways to harm us,I would recommend you read the story of Barsisa the hermit from Children of Israel.
If something has been written down for you in lawh al mahfooz, it will come into being,that is one of the pillars of faith to believe in Qadar.If it has to happen it'll happen,if not,Allah knows best and we as Muslims surrender to Allah's will.Therein lies peace.So do what is right(in Islamic terms) and our duties and leave the rest to Allah.
Do not forget to perform istikharah.
May Allah guide us all and keep us steadfast.Ameen.
:wasalam:
 

Itqan Ullah

Time is Running!!
Subhanallah! I am really impressed by your story bro. Your current situation is a test for you. The answer is: Those who give up something for sake of allah (swt), allah (swt) will recompensate them with something better.
 

kayleigh

Junior Member
I don't think it's going to work. Situations like this almost never do.

I get that you're attached and maybe you love her, but it most likely won't work. The same thing happens with born Muslims who start dating a non-Muslim guy/girl and then try to get them to revert once they become more serious about religion.

If you need your significant other to make a dramatic change in their life in order for you to go on with the relationship, then I think that's a sign that it should end. Because people rarely change, and if they do change, they don't do it for other people and they do it very slowly. Her family doesn't sound like a good one to become involved with either. You'll be constantly struggling with them and her if you keep it going.

You're a new person now. You should find someone who fits who you are now, not who you were before.
 

strive-may-i

Junior Member
A different true story

:salam2:

Aapa has said it best. There is good ahead for you, Let Go...

And, Congratulations and welcome here. May Allah be pleased with your acts and accept them, granting you a harmonious life in here and hereafter ... Ameen.

Here I post a true incident..
A true story
So a Muslim girl(a sister), pious and practicing, to best of her belief goes to west for higher studies [Yes some eyebrows will raise, but do not judge]. She gets accommodation in college campus, bright hard working and focused, she sticks to her college schedule and yet does not miss her Obligation [salaat, fasting ], lower the gaze and all. Of all the students, she is different in her manners and ways. A bright student, she spends her free time in the library and learning from the teachers. A white guy, bright and modest, studying in same college as her, is impressed by her ways, observers her for days and finally introduces himself to her. After knowing that the bright modest gal, is a Muslim girl,(as is to be expected) he is intrigued both by her and the religion that has moulded her. She clearly sets the expectations - she is Muslim, She is here(in earth) for her hereafter, and in the western college to pursue her higher studies. Few interactions later, the guy asks her to tell about Islam, she does what she could. The white guy, a mature one, equally bright, learns more about Islam and converts to Islam. The sister keeps her interaction to academics. She kept her father posted about everything, including the collegemate who has accepted Imaan. She finishes her course, done with her goal, she goes back to her homeland. After months, the Gals father then makes contact with the guy and checks how he is doing. He finds the Guy happy with his Islamic way of life, and thanks Almighty for the blessings. The Gals father impressed, asked the Muslim brother if he would marry her daughter and take care of her as her own. The sister is now married to the muslim brother and are leading a healthy life, the Islamic way...
(From: A recollected story, read in a newspaper magazine)

Hope this true story narrated in my own words helps you in your decision ... Ameen!
 

yasak80

Junior Member
May Allahu teala open her heart to islam inshaallah.
I will pray for both of you. ,disconnecting is a hard test .

Everybody wrote what islam said. I agree with them. BUT ,
I suggest you to pray istikhara ( asking Allahu teala with pray) .
Allah will make you to do what is good for you.
Allah knows the best....
 

OsMaN_93

Here to help
Tell her that if she doesn't start practising then you're going to have to leave her. And make dua for her.

Do Istikhara prayer, you can Google it and you'll find out the method + the dua you need to recite.

To be honest, all you can to do is talk her into her senses. If she doesn't agree with your lifestyle then I'm afraid it's not going to work out.

You could also present her ignorant father with these 2 hadiths:

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “O you who believe, verily your Lord is One, and your father [Adam] is one. There is no superiority of an Arab over a non-Arab or of a non-Arab over an Arab, or of a red man over a black man or of a black man over a red man, except in terms of taqwa (piety). Have I conveyed (the message)?” They said: “The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) has conveyed (the message).”

(Narrated by Ahmad, 5/411; classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Ghaayat al-Maraam, 313; it was also narrated from Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah that its isnaad is saheeh, in al-Iqtidaa’, 69).

AND

According to another hadeeth, the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Those who boast about their forefathers should desist or they will be less significant before Allaah than the beetle that rolls up the dung with its nose. Allaah has taken away from you the arrogance of Jaahiliyyah and its pride in forefathers, so a person is either a pious believer or a doomed evildoer. All the people are the children of Adam and Adam was created from dust.”

(Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3890; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Sunan al-Tirmidhi, no. 3100; and in Ghaayat al-Maraam, 312, it was said that al-Tirmidhi and Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah classed it as saheeh).

The dung beetle is a black bug that rolls up excrement.

Let us know what happens,
wasalam alikom
 

Noor El-Huda

Junior Member
Salam alaykum brother. I am going to narrate a personal experience in order to help you better reach a decision inshallah. You could've been describing my situation there. Unfortunately I proceeded, giving the person I was engaged to the benefit of the doubt. Although there were excuses for not seeking knowledge, and not putting much effort in Islam, and he was ok with certain aspects of Islam but not others, when he told me eventually told me that all was fine with him I went ahead with marriage.

My experience tells me I was very wrong. It is Allah swt who guides a person, no matter how much we think that with our patience, wisdom, charm or whatever, we could influence or help guide anybody if they do not want it. There are people who do respond to reason and all they need is time, (if they have a genuine interest) others no matter what you do, nothing seems to make sense.

3 years passed and nothing had improved. The only thing that changed was it became much more difficult to leave. But eventually I had to do it, to leave for the sake of Allah, in order to protect my own deen. Life became impossible, to be brief. What I know is it gets more difficult for both. What feels now as harsh to leave, you can multiply it many times after spending some years together then deciding to leave. The rule is: if it doesn't look good to you now, nothing guarantees it to be better in future. Only Allah knows the future.

You need to ask yourself these questions: Are you prepared to live with the possibility that she may never change? That you may have to continuously turn a blind eye to things, or you would be constantly arguing? What would happen if you decide down the road that you've clearly made a mistake, but there are children involved? How easy/difficult is it to walk away leaving children behind, ..or can you? Can you afford to make a lifetime commitment and your gut feeling tells you she's more likely to pull you back than give you the support in your deen so you can grow and raise a family that knows Allah?

Sometimes the excuses people make with regard to their circumstances and what's withholding them, confuses us greatly. We want to be easy on them, fair and non judgemental, but amidst all that we need to realise that we should be fair to ourselves too. Somebody resisting change and pulling us the opposite direction is not really fair to someone who does want to conduct a life practising.

What I've learnt is this: If I do not see that the potential person was on the deen because they “wanted to” and not for me, nor to fit my criteria, then I wouldn't go ahead at all. My reluctancy to leave early on when the picture didn’t look too promising, had made things more difficult and painful for both when I made that decision after the marriage.

I've learnt that its not really the circumstances that are the obsticles, and its not about the number of years that someone has been a revert. It all goes down to this: Does the person want to learn? How much/little are they contented with? Are they happy enough just being on the borderline? (The same could be said about born muslims). Should a practising muslim be with someone who ‘chooses’ to be on the border?

I 've learnt that there is a clear difference between someone genuinely wanting to learn but is struggling, and someone finding excuses not to learn/do something. The former, deserves all the help and support. As for the latter, one could soon find that they’re counting their losses, because if the interenst in the deen which is a core for progress isn't there. I've also learnt not to take promises at face value. Words need to be followed by action. One needs to see that action before such a commitment as huge as marriage.

We need to leave what is unknown to us (the future of that person) to Allah swt, and judge a person as they are now. We need to realise that our prophet PBUH could not help guide his beloved uncle into Islam due to his uncle's resistance to it, and therefore we need to realise our limitations as humans. We would attempt to help someone resisting knowledge and being on the right path, but we don't have to make them part of our lives and make a lifetime commitment to them.May Allah guide you to what pleases Allah swt in your life and hereafter.
 

aisha16

Junior Member
I always find it interesting how there are people who convert through Muslims who are not exactly on the deen. It reminds of this story:

http://muslimmatters.org/2010/12/18/finding-dawud/

It's actually crazy how much your story is similar to "Dawud" the convert portrayed in the story. But I won't ruin it for you if you are interested in reading it. It has a very sweet ending! But my advice would be to do what's best for your deen. Which would be to leave her. Honestly, she did sort of get you interested in Islam..but it wasn't entirely because of her. You may really love her but trust me these are the types of things people always regret doing. You should find a Muslimah who has lots of knowledge, practing, covered and is on the deen. I'm sure if you get in touch with the Imam or ask around your community you can find one. But it's not worth trying to marry someone like her. Truth be told. I know of this one revert who intentionally married a man who spoke Arabic and who was religous just so she could learn from him and help her with her deen. Try doing that yourself and you won't find the problems you are know-culture boundary, religion issues, covering, riba, etc.) Just think about it...
 

Um Ibrahim

Alhamdulilah :)
I always find it interesting how there are people who convert through Muslims who are not exactly on the deen. It reminds of this story:

http://muslimmatters.org/2010/12/18/finding-dawud/

It's actually crazy how much your story is similar to "Dawud" the convert portrayed in the story. But I won't ruin it for you if you are interested in reading it. It has a very sweet ending! But my advice would be to do what's best for your deen. Which would be to leave her. Honestly, she did sort of get you interested in Islam..but it wasn't entirely because of her. You may really love her but trust me these are the types of things people always regret doing. You should find a Muslimah who has lots of knowledge, practing, covered and is on the deen. I'm sure if you get in touch with the Imam or ask around your community you can find one. But it's not worth trying to marry someone like her. Truth be told. I know of this one revert who intentionally married a man who spoke Arabic and who was religous just so she could learn from him and help her with her deen. Try doing that yourself and you won't find the problems you are know-culture boundary, religion issues, covering, riba, etc.) Just think about it...

MashaaAllah that was a good story! really enjoyed it.

Brother, please pray salaat istakhara before you make any decisions. Only Allah knows what is truly good for you and all of us, no one else. So I would advise you to pray and seek Allah's help. May Allah help you and may Allah guide that sister to the right path, amin
 
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