dating leads to marriage

[Precious Star]

There is something that is really bothering me.

My older brother married his girlfriend, after they lived together for a few years. Right before the nikkah she agreed to convert to Islam. They have 2 kids now, and they are raising them muslim although not strictly. They are teenagers. My bro and his wife have a good marriage, have been married for 20 years now, but they are not super-duper practicing. They observe Ramadan, don't eat pork, sometimes go to jummah, make zakaat, are otherwise "good" people. Etc. They don't read salaat.

Yesterday my 18 year old niece says to me "dad was 25 and mom was 19 when they started dating, hahaha." They got married 10 years laters.

So here's whats bothering me.

My brother dated this nonmuslim girl, lived together, and then had a nikkah with my parents' blessings and the approval of the local imam at the time (who was really close to my family). He now has 2 healthy daughters, and a nice home because both he and his wife work, etc. Meanwhile, I am all alone and struggling financially, and no one ever really talked about me getting married. My father and 2 brothers never really helped and the message delivered to me always was - be a good muslim, work hard, and then take care of your parents.

It seems to me that my brother got the blessings of Allah through sin. He ended up with a nice family and financial security and my parents' blessings, by doing what we as muslims are instructed NOT to do. He followed the wrong path, and just by the girlfriend converting to Islam, he now has a companion, nice children, security, protection, etc. The daughters are nice and intelligent and good to their grandparents, and they do have a strong muslim identity.

This is really bothering me. My brother has not had to spend his life alone and childless because he did everything wrong. I did not date or challenge my parents in any way (he was the "black sheep" in the family), and still no one in my ffamily lifted a finger to help me. And whereas my parents do not say a thing about my struggles and instead my father takes every opportunity to make me feel guilty if I don't do enough for them, they bask in my brothers happiness and do everything they can to make his life easy and content (for example, they were renovating their kitchen so my dad gave him money; my dad helped pay for my niece's school trip even though when I was that age I would NEVER have been allowed to go on such a trip; my sister in law does not call or visit my mother when she is sick but when my sister in law is sick my parents rush to her side).

Is there somethign wrong with this picture????? And why is it eating me up inside????

 

[muslim-girl]

Asalamualeykum wr wb ukhtii..

Dont worry sister.. u are doing what is correct according to islam.
I guess u are not trying to be a good muslim because of ur parents, but for the sake of Allah?. , so dont worry sister, u will get a good husband inshaAllah. when the time is in..
Just because ur brother got married through sin and in a wrong way doesnt mean u should follow him..
They made tawbah and Allah bless their marriage.. but its better to start marriage in a good way if u want Allahs blessing inshaALlah.. So just have patience and hold to the Religion, and im sure Allah would bless u

Just a advice from ur sis..

 

[Precious Star]

Asalamualeykum wr wb ukhtii..

Dont worry sister.. u are doing what is correct according to islam.
Just because ur brother got married through sin and in a wrong way doesnt mean u should follow him..
They made tawbah and Allah bless their marriage....

Oh no sister, I have no desire to follow in my brother's footsteps! It is too late for me, I am in my 40s now. My brother was only 35 when he got married, I was only 21 years old at the time so I did not question anything. It is only now, when I look at my family's attitude and wonder why I was left alone, that I have started questioning. If I had been older at the time, I would have told my parents that this is unacceptable and my brother should not get married. But everyone was so happy back then.

They did not make tawbah. I don't think they really cared, to be honest.

 

[a_stranger]

:salam2:

Dear sister if your brother didn't bother to do towba then I don't think he is in a good situation , may Allah forgive us and him. Your pages are clean .....you should be happier than him. I agree that your family should try to help you to marry. They are doing a mistake.but dear now you can ask for help from a friend or Imam ....nothing wrong with that ......but keep in mind that marriage is not all the time blessings .

 

[Thauban]

There is something that is really bothering me.

My older brother married his girlfriend, after they lived together for a few years. Right before the nikkah she agreed to convert to Islam. They have 2 kids now, and they are raising them muslim although not strictly. They are teenagers. My bro and his wife have a good marriage, have been married for 20 years now, but they are not super-duper practicing. They observe Ramadan, don't eat pork, sometimes go to jummah, make zakaat, are otherwise "good" people. Etc. They don't read salaat.

Yesterday my 18 year old niece says to me "dad was 25 and mom was 19 when they started dating, hahaha." They got married 10 years laters.

So here's whats bothering me.

My brother dated this nonmuslim girl, lived together, and then had a nikkah with my parents' blessings and the approval of the local imam at the time (who was really close to my family). He now has 2 healthy daughters, and a nice home because both he and his wife work, etc. Meanwhile, I am all alone and struggling financially, and no one ever really talked about me getting married. My father and 2 brothers never really helped and the message delivered to me always was - be a good muslim, work hard, and then take care of your parents.

It seems to me that my brother got the blessings of Allah through sin. He ended up with a nice family and financial security and my parents' blessings, by doing what we as muslims are instructed NOT to do. He followed the wrong path, and just by the girlfriend converting to Islam, he now has a companion, nice children, security, protection, etc. The daughters are nice and intelligent and good to their grandparents, and they do have a strong muslim identity.

This is really bothering me. My brother has not had to spend his life alone and childless because he did everything wrong. I did not date or challenge my parents in any way (he was the "black sheep" in the family), and still no one in my ffamily lifted a finger to help me. And whereas my parents do not say a thing about my struggles and instead my father takes every opportunity to make me feel guilty if I don't do enough for them, they bask in my brothers happiness and do everything they can to make his life easy and content (for example, they were renovating their kitchen so my dad gave him money; my dad helped pay for my niece's school trip even though when I was that age I would NEVER have been allowed to go on such a trip; my sister in law does not call or visit my mother when she is sick but when my sister in law is sick my parents rush to her side).

Is there somethign wrong with this picture????? And why is it eating me up inside????

As'alaamu Alaikkum

I don't pretend to know what you are going through but all I can say to you is to be patient and keep doing the right thing for Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala. If you remain patient and sinless you will be rewarded in the Hereafter Insha'Allah.

What you are feeling are human emotions, it is human to feel what you are feeling. We all go through this phase, however don't let satan into your life and sow jealousy and hatred. Your brother is enjoying this life to the detriment of his soul and we all know what happens to people who are not God conscious.

A true believer finds happiness in prayer and dhikr and in rememberance of Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala.

I don't know what your racial background is but most Asian families, particularly from the Indian Sub-Continent tend to ignore the wishes and desires of their daughters, they are prejudiced in preferring their sons to their daughters. Most of these people think of their daughters as a burden.

It's easy to say but hang in there and Insha'Allah you will find happiness.

As'alaamu Alaikkum

 

[Aapa]

Asalaam alaikum,

That was a sweet post, brother.

Sister,

Here I go again...life is not comparative. I can not compare my experiences to yours; nor you to mine. What we can do is to worship Allah subhana wa taala. So is the case with your brother. That is his experience. That is the nature of his relationship with his parents, who happen to be yours as well.
It took me a long time to figure that one out. And it is very painful.

Our relationships with are parents are very unique. Our parents love some; are proud of others; a little ashamed of one and that is the same with our siblings. One may like another more than you or feel a bond. And there can be that time, a painful time, when you realize you are a stranger in your family. They can simply do without you.

Sidenote: That is why divorce is so painful. The one you gave your heart to and the one you bore your soul to no longer acknowledges your existence.

But, it is that moment of liberation where you realize the sky is the limit and I am going to live my life, I am going to take Mercy upon myself and believe that I can touch the sky. Allah subhana wa taala has told me, He has promised me, He responds to my plea.

 

[~Muslimah~]

:salam2:

My dear sister, ask Allah to bless you with a husband Insha'Allah. Indeed Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala ALWAYS responds to the servants duas. My mums friends friend was expecting a baby quite a while ago, and she was told that the baby definitely has down syndrome. So she started praying voluntary/tahajjud prayer and she used to stay awake and make so much dua, and she used to cry and cry and keep making dua. Then she gave birth to a normal, healthy boy! Doctors said it was a miracle... He is the MOST good looking and intelligent out of all her other children,
My point is, don't underestimate the power of DUA! Insha'Allah I'll make dua for you, May Allah clear all your worries and give you patience, sister.

 

[Precious Star]

:salam2:

My dear sister, ask Allah to bless you with a husband Insha'Allah. Indeed Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala ALWAYS responds to the servants duas. My mums friends friend was expecting a baby quite a while ago, and she was told that the baby definitely has down syndrome. So she started praying voluntary/tahajjud prayer and she used to stay awake and make so much dua, and she used to cry and cry and keep making dua. Then she gave birth to a normal, healthy boy! Doctors said it was a miracle... He is the MOST good looking and intelligent out of all her other children,
My point is, don't underestimate the power of DUA! Insha'Allah I'll make dua for you, May Allah clear all your worries and give you patience, sister.

You are a very special girl, indeed. Thank you for your dua.

 

[Precious Star]

As'alaamu Alaikkum
I don't know what your racial background is but most Asian families, particularly from the Indian Sub-Continent tend to ignore the wishes and desires of their daughters, they are prejudiced in preferring their sons to their daughters.

So very true.

 

[Um Ibrahim]

Short Story

Five or six years ago(don't really remember exact number) my friend and I used to take a class together at our local community college. One of our classmates happened to be a 72 year old woman, that's right 72! She was really awesome; she always had an opinion about everything and spoke up in class. Anyway, one night while we were on break my friend and I were just walking around near the class and we saw the lady. My friend was pregnant at the time. The lady came over to chat with us and we just got to know each other a little bit. She was so happy for my pregnant friend and she was asking her a bunch of questions. So I just randomly asked her if she had any children and why she's still going to school at her age. What she told us really surprised me at first, then it made me feel sad for her but now that I look back I'm amazed with that lady. She said, "I never got married nor touched by a man in my whole entire life." This lady was a non-Muslim by the way; she was of Chinese descent. so I ask her why that was, and she says, "I don't know, I was always busy with something else" and laughs about it. I just stood there for a moment and I got scared. I started thinking what if I become like this woman--and just as I was thinking this, she asked if I was married like my friend and I told her no. It was as if she knew what I was thinking because in a reassuring way she told me "don't worry you will marry one day and have babies."

My main point of the story is this: that lady was happy with her life. This was the reason she was still going to school. She believed in learning no matter how old one is. She was so happy and smiling always, it was as if she had everything anyone could ever want. I guess she had acceptance. And she was a non-Muslim. This is the reason I am amazed now. There are so many people that are Muslim who become bitter and feel sad and depressed when they don't get what they want in life. There's nothing you can do about it. It's better to let go of the 'whys' and 'what ifs' and try to improve the life you have now rather than dwelling on why this didn't happen or what if that happened. This way your heart will feel at ease; you will not be jealous of anyone and you certainly will save yourself from stress and headaches trying to figure why God didn't give you what you wanted when He gave everyone else everything they ever wanted and much more.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam alaikum,

Beautiful response...and the flip side is when you let go the why/ifs life opens up. You are not looking backwards. You are looking forward to the blessings. Your vision is not clouded by doubts.

 

[Precious Star]

Five or six years ago(don't really remember exact number) my friend and I used to take a class together at our local community college. One of our classmates happened to be a 72 year old woman, that's right 72! She was really awesome; she always had an opinion about everything and spoke up in class. Anyway, one night while we were on break my friend and I were just walking around near the class and we saw the lady. My friend was pregnant at the time. The lady came over to chat with us and we just got to know each other a little bit. She was so happy for my pregnant friend and she was asking her a bunch of questions. So I just randomly asked her if she had any children and why she's still going to school at her age. What she told us really surprised me at first, then it made me feel sad for her but now that I look back I'm amazed with that lady. She said, "I never got married nor touched by a man in my whole entire life." This lady was a non-Muslim by the way; she was of Chinese descent. so I ask her why that was, and she says, "I don't know, I was always busy with something else" and laughs about it. I just stood there for a moment and I got scared. I started thinking what if I become like this woman--and just as I was thinking this, she asked if I was married like my friend and I told her no. It was as if she knew what I was thinking because in a reassuring way she told me "don't worry you will marry one day and have babies."

My main point of the story is this: that lady was happy with her life. This was the reason she was still going to school. She believed in learning no matter how old one is. She was so happy and smiling always, it was as if she had everything anyone could ever want. I guess she had acceptance. And she was a non-Muslim. This is the reason I am amazed now. There are so many people that are Muslim who become bitter and feel sad and depressed when they don't get what they want in life. There's nothing you can do about it. It's better to let go of the 'whys' and 'what ifs' and try to improve the life you have now rather than dwelling on why this didn't happen or what if that happened. This way your heart will feel at ease; you will not be jealous of anyone and you certainly will save yourself from stress and headaches trying to figure why God didn't give you what you wanted when He gave everyone else everything they ever wanted and much more.

Well, I guess my question is this. Do you hope to be 72 years old, unmarried and alone? Or, do you hope to be married with chidlren and grandchildren?

I think the difference is that we ARE muslim, and she wasn't. As muslim women marriage is given to us for our sustenance and protection -- no other religion sets it out as explicitly as the Quran does. We undertand the divine plan behind having children. And, unlike women of other faiths, we are not permitted to take marriage into our own hands -- we have to surrender completely to our parents and elders in terms of introducing us to potential spouses. When the latter does not happen, it puts us in a lose-lose situation, almost like a prison. Sometimes, you can try and try and try, and all your efforts fail. Or, you may not care. There are many women out there who are ambivalent about having children, for sure. But when you DO care, but are limited by your circumstnaces (i.e. your family), then how does that lead to contentment and happiness.

THAT is what I struggle with.

I'm not sure if you understand the distinction that I am making. This chinese lady may very well have been happy at age 72 but truthfully you do not know her process. You do not know what it may have been like for her as she reached the end of her childbearing years. You do not know if she went through a transition of grief, as I am doing now, or if she was always ho-hum about the whole thing, which I certainly am not. My parents were complacent -- but were not allowed to be so. That was their own free will, Allah does not dictate someone's behavioiur. We make decisions and take actions as we see fit - and they certain actions as they wished, to my detriment. Perhaps, I should not have been the "dutiful daughter"; perhaps, I should have separated myself from them and charted my own course, although living in the West I certainly would have strayed from the right path -- in that sense, I am responsible for my own decisions and actions.

 

[BADTASTEBEARS]

.................

 

[Aapa]

Asalaam alaikum,

And if we should have blundered and strayed from the path sincere repentance opened the doors to the Path.

 

[helpinghumanity]

Assalamo aliakum wa rahmatullah

For the past two or three months, I have noticed (by reading) that there are so many sisters on TTI that want to get married, however they don't have a privilege of being directed into the right direction.

Saying that, it is the obligation of community as a whole to put together all the necessary efforts required to solve this problem. We are part of community and community is part of us. On an individual level, we should be proactive and do whatever we can do for our community; rather than waiting for the community to do something for us.

I pray that all of our sisters in Islam, get married to the charming husbands. Ameen.

 

[BADTASTEBEARS]

Having the good things in life is what most people think is God’s blessings. But Islam teaches us that the good things in life are a contingent blessing! That is, if one thank God for them by being good and faithful, then they are a blessing indeed. But, if one becomes occupied with them or does not thank God for them and starts to think that he deserves them, then they are a curse and not a blessing. Why? Because “the Hereafter is the life, if they only knew” (29:64). Thus, anything that does not improve our chances for Paradise is not a good thing even if it looks like a very good thing.

Likewise is hardship! Even hardship is contingent. If one endures it with faith in God that He will alleviate it, then it was a blessing in disguise! If one cannot bear them out and starts to feels discontentment or resentment, then it was a punishment.

 

[IHearIslam]

:salam2:

I hope you're in the best of health/imaan dearest sister,

does dating really lead to marriage? is one case enough of an evidence for something Allaah ta'ala in His enormous wisdom forbade for us Muslims to practice? La wallah, it is not--and I will tell you straight forward, Shaytan is now making this dating thing and the issue with your brother seem so glamours! aint that his job anyway, na'uthubillah!

Sister, do not ever compare yourself to someone else even if it is your own blood---it will bring misery and despair. It might also create hasad (envy) in your precious heart.So, avoid it. There is a greater reason for everything that happens to us in life---every day is a test for us to either pass or fail---we shall cry out to Allah alone. He hears our pleas and most of all WANTS us to ask of Him Jala wa'la. Allah knows best the situation with your brother and his family, I am in no position to judge them, but I can advice you sweet sister to concentrate on yourself. Any kind of comparison to any individual in terms of worldly gains is not good---in fact, it is disliked. Think about it for a second sister, you might not be given all that you want in life---but if you persevere and stay patient you shall have the BEST reward for ETERNITY! Just take few moments to think about that.....Is a family built on Haram relationship better than a place where the human brain can't imagine, the eye hasn't seen and the heart longs for? Is a family built of haraam relationship better than the day when we shall see the beautiful, majestic face of our Lord? Is a family built on haraam relationship better than the pleasure of attaining Jannah?

Now you tell me how this picture looks? Is there something wrong with it? Which one would you rather have??
Do not envy your brother or his family---instead make dua for them that Allah guides them to the path of the successful, the path of truth, the path of Allah the most high. Perfect your relationship with Allah, and He shall provide you with the support and comfort you need with or without a dude! I promise dear sister, Allah does not wrong His faithful servant---trust that, believe that, remember that.

(I remind myself first before anyone else).

 

[Um Ibrahim]

Well, I guess my question is this. Do you hope to be 72 years old, unmarried and alone? Or, do you hope to be married with chidlren and grandchildren?

I think the difference is that we ARE muslim, and she wasn't. As muslim women marriage is given to us for our sustenance and protection -- no other religion sets it out as explicitly as the Quran does. We undertand the divine plan behind having children. And, unlike women of other faiths, we are not permitted to take marriage into our own hands -- we have to surrender completely to our parents and elders in terms of introducing us to potential spouses. When the latter does not happen, it puts us in a lose-lose situation, almost like a prison. Sometimes, you can try and try and try, and all your efforts fail. Or, you may not care. There are many women out there who are ambivalent about having children, for sure. But when you DO care, but are limited by your circumstnaces (i.e. your family), then how does that lead to contentment and happiness.

THAT is what I struggle with.

I'm not sure if you understand the distinction that I am making. This chinese lady may very well have been happy at age 72 but truthfully you do not know her process. You do not know what it may have been like for her as she reached the end of her childbearing years. You do not know if she went through a transition of grief, as I am doing now, or if she was always ho-hum about the whole thing, which I certainly am not. My parents were complacent -- but were not allowed to be so. That was their own free will, Allah does not dictate someone's behavioiur. We make decisions and take actions as we see fit - and they certain actions as they wished, to my detriment. Perhaps, I should not have been the "dutiful daughter"; perhaps, I should have separated myself from them and charted my own course, although living in the West I certainly would have strayed from the right path -- in that sense, I am responsible for my own decisions and actions.

Sister I understand your frustration. It's unfortunate that some Muslim families especially the males DO NOT take their responsibility as fathers, brothers and uncles seriously when it comes to looking for husbands for their female family members. It's really sad and pathetic but I think and believe this major problem exists due to the lack of knowledge of our religion. If the men knew their role as fathers, brothers and uncles as Muslim men they would definitely take it upon themselves to find their daughters/sisters suitable husbands.Of course no one wants to grow old and alone without husband/wife and children but unfortunately some people do and there is absolutely nothing no one can do about it if or when that does happen.

But so long as you are alive, well, and young(please don't say 40 is not young because it is) you should remain hopeful and trust in Allah and try to look for solutions to your problems while making du'a and being sincere. You must guard your heart against resentment, doubts about Allah, and the worst disease of them all hasad(envy). blaming one's self or even family will not turn back time. If your family isn't helping you try to to help yourself.

Looking for solutions includes speaking up about this to your local Masjids and community especially your family members. You need to let them know how hurt you are. You need to let your family know how neglected and left out you feel. Even if this doesn't change anything at least you can sleep better knowing you told them the honest truth and maybe they will realize their mistake in not helping you. Use your talent(writing, being persuasive etc) to at least try to help other young girls in your community so the same thing doesn't happen to them by educating and reaching out to the men in your community to urge them to learn from others' mistakes i.e your family. Maybe your situation can be a blessing in disguise for others and you can earn so much ajar. And along the way who knows you just might meet your Mr. Right.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam alaikum,

Sister,

I was rereading what you wrote.

See if this makes sense. Many times we are given milestones to achieve. That is where you are getting the good and bad girl/boy category. You go to school and you get a piece of paper. You check the milestones and get ready for the next set of checkmarks.

But, that is not life. That has nothing to do with being good or bad. Bad girls can get the same checks on the milestone chart. Equally, so do bad boys.

You are in the I did everything I was supposed to do and nothing happened category. Now, you see yourself as being denied the checkmark. In this case it is marriage and children. And you see others who have marked off the checklist. You come up short.

Well. That is really a good thing. Now, you have the opportunity to redefine your world. It is a period to change. You are lucky. What you need to do is reassess what you have to let go off. You need to redefine what is important. Obviously the definitions that you have held are erroneous beliefs. And those erroneous beliefs are in conflict with you existence.

This is a period of substantial growth for you. I see this as a period of the butterfly freeing herself from the wrappings of the cocoon. It's not about others but, about you. How are you going to define your life. We all live with uncertainty. And there is no they lived happily ever-after; that would be stagnant.

Make your own milestones. And forgive the men in your family. They did their thing; it is time for you to do your thing. You want to get married. Go for it. You know your parents and community are not going to help; but, do not for one moment think you are alone. Your situation is much easier than many sisters I know. You have youth and you have no dependents. You are not as isolated as the divorcees and widows I know. You do not have the responsibility that many sisters have.

 

[Thauban]

Assalaam alaikum,

Sister,

I was rereading what you wrote.

See if this makes sense. Many times we are given milestones to achieve. That is where you are getting the good and bad girl/boy category. You go to school and you get a piece of paper. You check the milestones and get ready for the next set of checkmarks.

But, that is not life. That has nothing to do with being good or bad. Bad girls can get the same checks on the milestone chart. Equally, so do bad boys.

You are in the I did everything I was supposed to do and nothing happened category. Now, you see yourself as being denied the checkmark. In this case it is marriage and children. And you see others who have marked off the checklist. You come up short.

Well. That is really a good thing. Now, you have the opportunity to redefine your world. It is a period to change. You are lucky. What you need to do is reassess what you have to let go off. You need to redefine what is important. Obviously the definitions that you have held are erroneous beliefs. And those erroneous beliefs are in conflict with you existence.

This is a period of substantial growth for you. I see this as a period of the butterfly freeing herself from the wrappings of the cocoon. It's not about others but, about you. How are you going to define your life. We all live with uncertainty. And there is no they lived happily ever-after; that would be stagnant.

Make your own milestones. And forgive the men in your family. They did their thing; it is time for you to do your thing. You want to get married. Go for it. You know your parents and community are not going to help; but, do not for one moment think you are alone. Your situation is much easier than many sisters I know. You have youth and you have no dependents. You are not as isolated as the divorcees and widows I know. You do not have the responsibility that many sisters have.

Which sister are you talking to?