Help please....I am fed up!!!

[revert2007]

sister revert2007 and others.... muslim is a muslim no matter where he is...
children of muslims are their greatest wealth not because they hav to pay back everything but for no reason.... i am an indian and as far as i know no muslim father ever asked his son to pay back evrything.
my parents want me to see the world on my own they dont want me to carry them on my shoulders. but it does not mean i will not look after them. they are my other half just as i am theirs...
im deeply hurt by your comments cos im pursuing higher studies along with hundreds of muslim brothers and sisters in my college whose fees and alllowances are paid by parents. im 20yrs old already and my father does not want me towork until i complete higher studies and all my dreams beyond that....
hope you ask for forgiveness from allah for making such comments.
there are no buddhist or hindu muslims (ma'az allah) here in asia we are muslims just as in anyother country. i do not like to be associated with idolators and kuffar

Firstly i didn't say Muslim asians but i said ASIANS
Secondly alhamdulilah ur father didn't ask u to pay back
Thirdly it is every parents job to pay and educate their kids.(believers or disbelievers all educate and pay for their kids education.)
Forthly i don't say what people want to hear.I say what is logic and it is up to people to accept or not.
last but not least,i do not say this directly to u and if u feel offended then am not responsible for it.I speak in general and it might be right and it might be wrong.i can see that u get offended coz i said asian.by the way am asian too but that doesn't mean am gonna be silent on the bad practise of culture.i can clearly see how people are living and the culture is controling each individual than the religion itself.so it is time for us to change.

 

[Al-Kashmiri]

As-salaamu `alaykum

Can we get back to the topic please and provide help to the one who is asking for it. And before accusing someone of racism, please look up the definition of racism, prejudice, discrimination etc... Saying a common trend is prevalent amongst a given nation/tribe is not racism or prejudiced so long as a) you do not hold them to be inferior and b) it is not based upon false, preconceived judgements, without any observations.

Sometime I wonder about how sensitive we've become and how anything we dislike we call racism... What does the Qur'aan say about the Jews time after time, is that racism/prejudice or is it fact based upon nothing but truth? By definition, it doesn't fall into racism or prejudice.

Was-salaam

 

[rightpath_357]

To revert2007
aw sis!!!! i didnt say that u were racist! only the comment lol- so true anyways. SAME HERE!!!! I'm Pakistani

 

[IluvIslame]

Question to sister Revert2007

I said arabs do not ask for pay back coz thats what i know and what i see.even if they lend money to their freind they wont ask back because it is not in their culture.

.

You are very right sister revert2007, we arabs are like that. My family NEVER mentioned anything about paying them back. And arab families do continue to support their kids even after they get married. All my arab friends are the same, thats just the way we are. They are very generous to their kids and they don't expect anything in return except for them to be successful.
Thats why I was shocked to hear this about my husband. But now that you are telling me this about the asians. I am assuming he heard this from them or something. Because I remember my husband telling once that his father heard someone saying that the kids should pay everything back to the parents and he decided to apply this to his kids. He says that out of the "four school" one of them says that the kids need to pay back their parents...and he chose to follow that particular school. Do you know why the asians pay back their parents. I mean we are all muslim and Quran doesn't mention we have to payback our parents, except if they are in need then we should try and help them.... it just doesn't make sense to payback EVERYTHING.
So why is it that the asians do that? Is it a cultural thing?
Thanks a lot
Salam

 

[IluvIslame]

Thanks to Arzafar

SO here is an answer in light of islam (islamqa.com)
)

Thank you so much for this, it was very helpful. Baraka Laho feek

 

[krackpot]

You are very right sister revert2007, we arabs are like that. My family NEVER mentioned anything about paying them back. And arab families do continue to support their kids even after they get married. All my arab friends are the same, thats just the way we are. They are very generous to their kids and they don't expect anything in return except for them to be successful.
Thats why I was shocked to hear this about my husband. But now that you are telling me this about the asians. I am assuming he heard this from them or something. Because I remember my husband telling once that his father heard someone saying that the kids should pay everything back to the parents and he decided to apply this to his kids. He says that out of the "four school" one of them says that the kids need to pay back their parents...and he chose to follow that particular school. Do you know why the asians pay back their parents. I mean we are all muslim and Quran doesn't mention we have to payback our parents, except if they are in need then we should try and help them.... it just doesn't make sense to payback EVERYTHING.
So why is it that the asians do that? Is it a cultural thing?
Thanks a lot
Salam

sister i luvislam,

As i told before i've lived in India for 20yrs and parents in india are just as parents in arabia.
i've never come across any family with such problems or claims.
its against basic law to ask your kids for the money you've spent for ther betterment.

i feel like laughing and sad at the same time. the idea of generalising is rather abrupt and it hurts as it may include muslims brothers and sisters whether in India or Pakistan or any other place which are also a part of ASIA

well a suggession pls refer to the culprits as ASIAN NON MUSLIMS cos i dont think any muslim parent will do this to their own kids.

its not a culture at all if they ask their kids to PAYBACK EVERYTHING OR EVEN A PART OF IT
because not even animals do that.

Asian muslims have inherited the culture from arabia through numerous tukish and muslims emperors such as HADRATH TIPU SULTAN SHAHEED WHO HAPPENS TO BE OF THE QUREISH TRIBE. HE RULED THE TOWN I"VE LIVED IN ALL MY LIFE.

At the same time we inherited our islaic culture from the various ulema who came to india from farthest regions as BASRA IN IRAQ, CHISTAYN IN IRAQ, FALUJAH irAQ, MADINA KSA, IRAN AFGHANISTAN.... you may look up at islamis history of ASIA.

If you generalise all these qualities as CULTURE then you may be pointing an entire muslim race.
hope you get my point. i dont have any hard feelings with anyone. i want you to speak on facts

jazakallah

 

[IluvIslame]

Reply to Niqaabis

:salam2:sister,is it about the money leaving your husband's bank account or are you thinking about yourself, "

I am thinking about my husband AND myself of course. This is a big problem. I had NEVER heard of this kind of treatment between a father and his son. What is the point of having kids and taking care of them and then asking EVERYTHING back? Also he isn't asking for his "gift" back, he is asking for all the payments since he was a child back. Do you know how much loan my husband has with his father. its about hundreds of thousands. Plus he needs to pay an extra 1000$ every month which is considered nafaqa for the rest of his life, so basically it is separated from the loan. Don't tell me this is what the hadeeth explains. Plus his dad is rich and is not in need of all these payments. We are more in need.

If we want to travel, he tells his son NO, because he would rather make his son pay him back. He doesn't care if his son works so hard and he would need a vacation. He wants to decide where we want to live. He wants to order his son to live with them in the same house just so that i am not alone in the house when my husband it at work. I mean their is just so many things...

To conclude everything the hadeeth doesn't approve all of the things i mentioned above, it just doesn't make sense but Islam ALWAYS makes sense so thats why I have a hard time believing that our Deen approves all these things!!

Salam

 

[IluvIslame]

Reply to rghtpath

oh!!!!! just thought of something else!!!!!!!!!!

maybe your husband- if the frst talk dozent work- pay half of what is demanded back at once- and the other half at the other time

Hahaha you're so cute....If the loan was 20 000$ then yes maybe that would be possible to pay him this way. But the loan is MUCH MORE than that and the 1000$ that my husband paid him for about year and a half isn't even covering the loan but it is covering the "nafaqa" which he will be paying for the rest of his life...

 

[rightpath_357]

awwwwwww!!!!!

Well, I'll make duaa 4 u sis!!!!!

 

[nizar83]

aselemu aleikum...i got your point brother revert after reading your 3 note..every culture differs indeed.

however this thread has been started by the sister whom is in a difficult situation along with her husband...sister...the 2 grams of human-knowledge i have..tells me you are inshallah mature and wise enough to approach this problem in the best way..which is as brother adam adviced, its best to either explain your problem to your local imaam..or a scholar etc

im sure if your husband's father hears from a acknowlledged person that what he does and expects from his son is wrong..especially on such a short notice and in your situation..(just got married)

all parents want best for their children, thats how they are wired by ALLAH ta3ala..the mercifull...

 

[InvisibleSistah]

Assalamu 3alaikom brothers and sisters,

I recently got married and Al Hamdolilah I am extremely happy with my husband. We are a young couple. My husband is 23 and I am 21 years old. So you can imagine that we are just starting our life and trying to build our future. The problem is the father of my husband. Since my husband first started working at age of 22, he told him that he needs to pay him 1000$ every month. Even if my husband had a wedding to pay for etc... My husband accepted because he knows his father and he doesn't want to start problems. But deep inside, he wished that he didn't have to pay him all of this specially since he just started working and wanted to make money to get married etc... Plus his father has a lot of money and is not in need. Now I just got to know that his dad wants him to pay back EVERYTHING he did for him. That is including FOOD, SHELTER, CLOTHES, EDUCATION just EVERYTHING since he was a child or maybe a teen i am not sure. He even made him sing checks of 9000$ since he was in University just to make sure he gets his money back. So basically he told my husband that he needs to pay the 1000$ which is considered nafaqa PLUS all of the "loans" that I mentioned above. Also, he wants him to go and move to the country he is living in and live in their home and pay RENT, because my husband is an engineer and has field work so sometimes i stay alone in my house (I NEVER leave the house when my husband is away) and his father doesn't like that so he says he wants us to live in the same house so that i can be watched at all time and taken care of. I don't know if its a trust issue but 7ass Biya Lah Wa Na3mal Wakeel...Everything we want to do, we have to get his permission. I just want to know how can my husband deal with all this without being a bad son?? He doesn't want to cut his father out and neither do I, but we cant stay like this it's going to kill us plus we want to save money and build our future and our kids future... Plz help any advice would be good!

Salam 3alaikom

Bismillah

Wa/aleykum Assalam Sistah......
Woow!!Hard situation to deal with..SubhanaAllah!!

Well As Muslims!! Parents have responsibilty over their Children...and whateve they paid or Spend on them..........they dnt have to make the Son/Daughter to pay back..SubhanAllah....
Well..All Ure Hubby need to do is:::Tlk to his father..........tell him the truth.....that now he is Married and His wife have Haq(Right) over him....He need to Understand......you knw..tell him to tlk to His father..respectful ..........tell his to give His father example.abt him Wen he got Married...like"""Father! hw do you like, if you was in my shoes??????????or will like to mistreat ure wife???negatively..........Sweety just lemme him tlk to his father well and manner way.InshaaAllah..Hope things will work out..and Ask Allah to make it easy for you everything..may Allah be with u all abd bless u all.Ameen ya Allah.

ps:::Good luck sistah with ure newly Married.........and may Allah make it simple for you everything.....Ameen ya Allah.

 

[razikhan]

you dont need to worry

first thing i want to clear is tht if ur husband doesn't pay his dad loan thne he will not become bad in allah eyes bcz wht he is demanding is not islamic.u can simply tell him i will pay all ur money that u spend only whn i have resources to do.or on the harsh par u can say counterattack by saying that why did he bring him in this world when u want money for all his expenses.

i dont thnk u will do anyhting wrong if u against paying the loan

 

[_Musulmanin_]

Assalamu Alaikum,

I have a question which may or may not be obvious (or relevant to conversation) but why do I see so many suppossed Muslims bringing race into conversations? It seems to be getting more frequent. Remeber, Allah (SWT) and Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) stated in Holy Qur'an as well as some references in The Prophet's (PBUH) Hadith that race and nationalism are of no importance. We are all Allah's (SWT) creations living on Allah's (SWT) Earth. We are all equals! There is one Ummah, regardless of race, origin or colour! Just because your an Arab Muslim doesn't make you better than say a Dutch Convert or vice versa. Allah (SWT) doesn't judge by race and either should people in fact we have no right to judge anyone at all for any reason.

Salam!

 

[eminbey]

My advice is:
pray for him.
pay him a hajj journey,or omrah...
maybe the sight of the holy ka3ba w'll change his behavior!

 

[niqaabis]

:salam2: first and and foremost may ALLAH guide us and give us patience, amiiim.my concern is that you will eventually be a cause of fitna to this family,you are trying to come between a father and his son,i find that realy disturbing,either way you will loose, if and when your father in law picks up on your resentment you will not have a future with your husband, you are creating doubts in him towards his father and he will eventualy resent you.be patient,the father knows his son better than you,your husband is still young and a little money towards his beloved father who raised him will not cause him any harm but blessings.

therefore i personaly see no reason as to your atmost distrace,there might be a wisdom behind this a lesson for your husband to learn,
my sincere suggestion to you is be patient, respect and be kind to your father inlaw, support your husband and encourage him to be obidient to his father,you will see a possitive change inshaALLAH. remember i still dont understand the problem here.

As to living with your inlaws there is nothing wrong with that maybe they've realised that your husband and yourself need support,.Wallahu a'lam.

 

[IluvIslame]

Reply to Niqaabis

:salam2: first and and foremost may ALLAH guide us and give us patience, amiiim.my concern is that you will eventually be a cause of fitna to this family,you are trying to come between a father and his son,i find that realy disturbing,either way you will loose, if and when your father in law picks up on your resentment you will not have a future with your husband, you are creating doubts in him towards his father and he will eventualy resent you..

Subhan Allah ppl always blame the woman for any problem. Brother what makes you think that i am coming between the father and son? What makes you think that I am the one that doesn't want my husband to pay his father?

Why do you think i am sharing my problem and asking ppl their opinions? I want to find solutions for this big problem that my husband and I are facing. My husband doesn't want to pay all these payments to his dad, he finds it UNFAIR. Although my husband and I always say that if we do have a lot of money then we wouldn't care to pay his father. But we cant, we have other payments of our own! Right now my husband is paying him 1000$ every month but his father isn't satisfied because in his head we still didn't start paying the loan. And just to make it clear, its not little payments. His loan with his dad is about half a million PLUS he need to pay an extra 1000$ for the rest on his life and it is considered nafaqa which is separate from the loan. So these aren't "small Payments"

I personally NEVER told my husband to not pay his father. As a matter of fact I used to try and calm him and tell him to do wtv his father asks. And Al Hamdoliah my husband is a good son. I never came between him and his father and tried to create "fitna". I fear God !!! Plus you don't know ANYTHING about his father. You don't know the situation. Also no one knows a man better than his wife. I know my husband the most even more than his father. Anyways his father was never close to all his kids. My husband doesn't even know anything about his own father. His father is always away. Traveling for business and sees his family twice a year for the Eids.

My husband tried to explain to his father that he cannot afford to pay him this much every month and he used to always tell him that this is not the Deen. His father sadly doesn't care and is 100% sure that he is right and that Deen says we have to pay everything back to our parents. But his father, fortunately for him, he didn't have to pay back his father.

And regarding us living with them in their home. Well he has no reason to ask us to do that. EVERY couple like to have their own place. And his father is saying that we live in his house AND pay RENT. Can you believe it!!!?? So how is that helping us??

Also I never said I hate my father in law. I really don't have any hate towards him. I am not capable to hate him because he is the one that gave me my husband, who is the most valuable person in my life. And that is enough. All I am asking is for him to think about his son for a bit and give us a chance to breath.

Al Hamdolilah I have no hate in my life and Inshallah it will stay that way. Anyways I would never want my husband to make problems with his dad, because I know how important parents are and more importantly God asks us to be obedient towards them . But brother you are really missing the point here and making your own scenario. If you don't see any problem here well I really don't know what to tell you.

Salam

 

[niqaabis]

:salam2: :salam2:all praise is due to ALLAH.

First i am your sister in islam and i am not trying to put the blame on you.you are right i know nothing about your situation.
what other solution do you have sister?but to pray and be patient.if your husband refuses to pay him the money his father might cut all ties of kinship,or maybe never speak to him.
i am sure your husband will suffer unbearable distrace. this hadhith comes to mind, Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him maintain the bonds of kinship" [Bukhari]
Maintaining the bonds of kinship (silatur-rahim) indeed enjoys extraordinary importance in Islam. Conversely, severing the ties (qata-ur-rahim), is very high on the list of enormities. At two places in the Qur’an, Allah has cursed the one severing family ties.Allah say in the holy quran.
“And those who break the covenant of Allah, after its ratification, and sever that which Allah has commanded to be joined (i.e. they sever the bond of kinship and are not good to their relatives) and work mischief in the land, on them is the curse, and for them is the unhappy home (i.e. Hell)” [Ar-Rad 13:25. See also Muhammad, 47:22-23].

remember i am not saying that you are trying to sever the ties of kinship,but it could be the source.all i am saying is that give it time,you mentioned that you are newly wed.
i am not suggesting that you shoud'nt have a say, support and understanding is all you can do fed up or not.the truth sometimes does hurt. waallahu a'alam

 

[IluvIslame]

Silat ar-raham is very important indeed and you may not be able to enter heaven if you ever do cut your own blood. Thats why I said I would never let my husband do that neither will he ever do that. But what disturbs me the most is his father cut almost all his brothers except for like 2 of his sisters. Also he didn't do all his duties as a father, he was always far from his kids and then he talks about islam to his kids and how they need to do their duties towards him. Anyways I am patient Al Hamdolilah and Inshallah I will continue but the thing is how can you satisfy a father that is SO hard to satisfy??

Anyways may God lead us to the right path. The one thing I will not accept is living in the same house. I think i have the right to choose. I mean even my husband wants us to have our own place so I don't think we have to listen to his father. It's unfair!!!

 

[niqaabis]

:salam2:


fa Inna Ma'al 'Usri Yusra !!(sura 94 verse 5)
( verily with every difficulty there comes relief)

wasalaam