Precious Star
Junior Member
Sometimes, I feel like I am getting stronger! This week I have really really tried to "let go" and "move on."
I still do cry during salat, quite a bit actually. Sometimes, I call my mother in the middle of the day and break down. I am trying to control my thoughts, so that I don't think about the man I loved and who cannot engage in a discussion about how we can resolve our differences. This morning, I woke up and tried to focus instead on everything I should be grateful for.
The PAIN of what has happened remains and does not seem to go away. The pain is deep in my chest. But I'm really trying to focus on the future and convince myself that what happened with this man, on the eve of my 40th birthday, is my PAST.
I continue to pray day and night that Allah SWT make this chapter in my life easy for me. There is a prayer on my tongue all day, as I go through my day. Sometimes, I come across a man who looks like the man I love (?loved), and that makes the day difficult! sometimes, I find myself remembering things....but I have no control over such intrusive memories.
Truly, these have been dark days! In a few weeks I will celebrate my 40th birthday and I still have difficulty accepting a life of sadness and loneliness ahead of me. Perhaps, God is telling me to BE STRONG, that I have lived without love and children my entire adult life and this time I have to call on my strength FOR THE LONG HAUL. Some of my friends have said that something wonderful is waiting for me around the corner, but I'm not sure if it is healthy for me to believe that. We know that that does not happen to everyone.
Right now, I just have to keep praying to God that He helps me move on and that each day is a little less painful than the day before. Someday, I will forget all this, I will forget love, I will forget the person who wanted to marry me but could not.
As I try to look forward, not backward, I have a lump in my throat. The lump does not go away. Perhaps I am mourning the fact that I may never have children and that when my parents die, I may be alone. I know there are many women like me; I wish that made it easier! Since I have made a deliberate decision to look forward and forget about this man so as to let go of the pain, I can't help but reflect on all the efforts I made in that last 5-6 years to find a muslim spouse: numerous internet efforts where I totally lowered my standards yet i still wasn't good enough for the men I met online; "matchmaking aunties" who implied that even in my 30s I was too old and would not be able to have children and I was very "loose' because I lived on my own rather than with my parents; private matchmaking services that assured me they had muslim men on their roster but after I gave them $2000 no muslim men surfaced; inquiries amongst my parents' friends and my own friends that went nowhere (in other words, no one tried to introduce me).
I have been told, your past does not determine your future. But here I am at almost 40 -- how can I be hopeful that a husband will just come out of nowhere? I turned away the one man who loved me for who I was, but who couldnt marry me for who I was. What are my options now? As I let go of my past heartache Insha'Allah, what joy will it be replaced with in the future?
I still do cry during salat, quite a bit actually. Sometimes, I call my mother in the middle of the day and break down. I am trying to control my thoughts, so that I don't think about the man I loved and who cannot engage in a discussion about how we can resolve our differences. This morning, I woke up and tried to focus instead on everything I should be grateful for.
The PAIN of what has happened remains and does not seem to go away. The pain is deep in my chest. But I'm really trying to focus on the future and convince myself that what happened with this man, on the eve of my 40th birthday, is my PAST.
I continue to pray day and night that Allah SWT make this chapter in my life easy for me. There is a prayer on my tongue all day, as I go through my day. Sometimes, I come across a man who looks like the man I love (?loved), and that makes the day difficult! sometimes, I find myself remembering things....but I have no control over such intrusive memories.
Truly, these have been dark days! In a few weeks I will celebrate my 40th birthday and I still have difficulty accepting a life of sadness and loneliness ahead of me. Perhaps, God is telling me to BE STRONG, that I have lived without love and children my entire adult life and this time I have to call on my strength FOR THE LONG HAUL. Some of my friends have said that something wonderful is waiting for me around the corner, but I'm not sure if it is healthy for me to believe that. We know that that does not happen to everyone.
Right now, I just have to keep praying to God that He helps me move on and that each day is a little less painful than the day before. Someday, I will forget all this, I will forget love, I will forget the person who wanted to marry me but could not.
As I try to look forward, not backward, I have a lump in my throat. The lump does not go away. Perhaps I am mourning the fact that I may never have children and that when my parents die, I may be alone. I know there are many women like me; I wish that made it easier! Since I have made a deliberate decision to look forward and forget about this man so as to let go of the pain, I can't help but reflect on all the efforts I made in that last 5-6 years to find a muslim spouse: numerous internet efforts where I totally lowered my standards yet i still wasn't good enough for the men I met online; "matchmaking aunties" who implied that even in my 30s I was too old and would not be able to have children and I was very "loose' because I lived on my own rather than with my parents; private matchmaking services that assured me they had muslim men on their roster but after I gave them $2000 no muslim men surfaced; inquiries amongst my parents' friends and my own friends that went nowhere (in other words, no one tried to introduce me).
I have been told, your past does not determine your future. But here I am at almost 40 -- how can I be hopeful that a husband will just come out of nowhere? I turned away the one man who loved me for who I was, but who couldnt marry me for who I was. What are my options now? As I let go of my past heartache Insha'Allah, what joy will it be replaced with in the future?
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