How do I handle this situation with my Muslim fiance?

[Zilliz]

Over a year ago I found out the my fiance cheated on me. We were living in different countries at the time. We have a sexual relationship too, so he has not followed the rules of Islam. It took me a long time to forgive him but we worked through it and I did.

We recently started planning our wedding and he has now told me that he can not be with me, that he wants to be a be a good Muslim and be with a Muslim. He said that he wants to lead a good life. (I know that he can actually marry me even if I am a non-Muslim, but I understand too that he needs a partnet who is on the same path as him.)

I was actually very happy that he said this because I have been studying about Islam and want to become a Muslim but I didn't speak to him about it because it took me awhile to be sure and I was also concerned about his reacton because he did not practice his faith.

How do I tell him that I intend to revert to Islam? I know he will think I am doing it only to be with him, but it is because I see the truth of Islam and believe in one God and his messenger Mohammed, peace be upon him.

I have spoken to friends about this and they think I should not be with him at all, but I know that he is very sorry for what he did. He has learned too that he needs to get back to his religion in order to lead a good life.

How should I speak to him about this matter? How can I get him to understand that we can lead a good life together as a Muslim couple, but also that my decision to revert is not simply because of him?

 

[Sajidah_1]

Asalaamu Alaikum sis ....I will be straight up with you as there is no other way .This man you have been with is a muslim who needs to be turned over his father's knees and spanked till his bottom turns black ! You are not the first one I have heard this sad storey from and it makes my blood boil to think that these young men can have no respect for the women nor thier parents nor them selfs and nor ALLAH !

As Muslims we do not date! we do not sleep with any one except maybe our teddy bears . My guess is the brother has been asked to marry a young muslim woman from his home and as to not disrespet them he is agreeing ,see I am guessing his parents dont even know about you SubanALLAH . As for trying to talk him into marriage ,I dont think that will work ...Sis as you now move forward into your knowledge of Islam you will begin to see and understand all that I am saying ,plzz note that there are many good young men out here ones who would be proud to marry a fine young new Muslima ...Sorry seems to be only said when one gets caught in thier own webs of deceit..sis take the advise of your friends and dump the guy and let him know that what has transpired between you he needs to be more then sorry for . And plzz let me know when you say your shahada as I want to be one of the first to welcome you into the family

 

[a_muslimah86]

I don't know if you had read much into qadar (destiny/decree) in Islam...but marriage is a bounty granted by Allah to His servant when he/she is in his/her mother's womb...

and it will take place exactly how and when it's meant to be...so if this man is in your decree of marriage (meaning he is meant to be your husband)...believe me...he can leave for 20 or 30 years and will still comeback to you...and if he gets married once...twice...or three times...things may never work out and he will eventually marry you...so have faith in that...and you won't be disappointed...

as for how you should talk to him about it...here's what I think...
I think you should tell him that you have been thinking about what he said to you (the whole he wants to be a good muslim deal)...and you feel pleased that he had made that decision and that you're very supportive of it...as you have been learning about Islam yourself...and found a comfort within it...and perhaps this will be a chance for the both of you to focus and learn away from each other...and if Allah wills...you can reunite in an honorable and everlasting union...if he asks if it is just for him...tell him that being Muslim is the disposition at which every human is born..and you are merely reverting back to *it*...and that guidance is from Allah and no human being can influence such a matter (even those we love)...and as a Muslim he should know that no action is accepted by Allah except what is sincerely made and dedicated to Him...so you will not get yourself into such a matter if you did not wholeheartedly and sincerely believe in it...saying that will clarify your position..express how you feel...and provoke him to think *should I consider her for a partner? or not?*...

and even though you are not a Muslim yet...you can pray about the matter...say *oh Allah (or oh God..whichever you're comfortable with!) if being with/marrying ......... (whatever your fiance's name is) is a matter that is good for me in this life and the hereafter I ask you that you make it happen and bring me closer to it..and if being with/marrying .......... is a matter that is evil for me in this life and the hereafter..then keep it away from me..and keep me away from it..and decree for me that which is good and allow it to happen*...

when I pray for something I am not sure about or need to come to a decision about it...this is how I pray for it...because Allah is the All-Knowing and He is the one who knows what is best for you...and sometimes what you see as good..can actually be bad..so it is best to leave the choice to Allah...but please remember that this relationship needs to have limits..even if you intend to marry..you need to have limits..it is best that you work very hard on staying away from each other at least until your fiance makes a decision and proposes to you in an appropriate manner..because you're not only responsible for the actions you commit..but also the actions he commits when he is with you (and vice-versa)..so it's a serious matter...think about it in depth!

and Inshallah things will work out for the best

Peace

 

[Munawar]

Asalaamu Alaikum sis ....I will be straight up with you as there is no other way .This man you have been with is a muslim who needs to be turned over his father's knees and spanked till his bottom turns black !

LOL !!! :lol:

:salam2:
When this man will turnover to his creator he can turn not just his bottom but whole body black.
May Allah forgive his sins... :astag:

MashaAllah sister you appear to me much better than him. Tell this man that he needs to repent to Allah (SWT) and cry for his forgiveness for what he has done knowingly that he was doing a sin.

If he really understood his religion Islam, then, he should know that one of his prime duties is to do dawah (invite people to Islam). He cannot be more luckier than to be able to help someone convert to Islam, because the ajar (reward) is so huge.
And the person who converts all of his/her sins are wiped out and that person becomes pure like a new born baby. So you will become Pure Honey for him... LOL ! But I am not kidding... you will become the most purest and sinless woman on the face of this planet the moment you take Shahadah. And he will be marring an angel if he mary you. He will get a double reward of helping you revert and then helping you on the path of becoming a good Muslimah. Plus he will be marring a person he already know and love. So he will not just be helping you but helping himself too in many ways.

Tell hm all these things... show him this post.

But if this doesn't happen then your first duty is to yourself. You and only you can protest yourself from hellfire. So continue your study of Islam and become muslim as soon as possible, because no one knows the time of one's death. So it is better to take shahadah as soon as possible.
Allah will give you a better husband InshaAllah.

 

[iamjannah]

oh, im so sorry to hear about your man :angryred:

My guess is the brother has been asked to marry a young muslim woman from his home and as to not disrespet them he is agreeing ,see I am guessing his parents dont even know about you SubanALLAH . As for trying to talk him into marriage ,I dont think that will work ...Sis as you now move forward into your knowledge of Islam you will begin to see and understand all that I am saying ,plzz note that there are many good young men out here ones who would be proud to marry a fine young new Muslima

I am a new muslim woman too and not from arab country but from Finland and I have heard alot of stories like the one written by Sajidah_1 and I know it feels so so bad to hear that and it feels almost unbelievable, but I'm sorry for telling you that is the truth in 99,9% of those cases :angryred:

BUt also you should know, if you turn to Islam, you find the beauty of it and there truly will be many many good and even better muslim men who wan't to adore you and treat you as a good muslim woman should

so don't worry my sister, we are all with you and if you need to talk privatly you can email me
There are many lovely muslim men waiting for their princess, so dont be sad for your bf

 

[a_brother]

Hi Zilliz

make sure that that's what you want to be, a muslim... when you become a muslim because you believe that islam is the true religion, then tell him that you are a muslim... if he believes you or not, it doesn't matter... one finds a lot of answers about one's life challenges in Islam... when you are a muslim, you'll find yourself at peace...

about what sister a_muslimah86 said about (destiny/decree), please read this thread...
http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=38093

If you have any questions about Islam, then please ask

take good care Zilliz

 

[Zilliz]

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry. I didn't get through all the responses. I can't read them right now.

I found out yesterday that he married someone else!!
The story is that his family (brothers and sisters because his parents are both dead) didn't want him to marry me...so they went to a girl from the neighborhood's family and asked if he could marry her....and he did.

I can't believe any of this right now.
I can't believe he can tell me he actually wanted me but went ahead and married someone else.
I can't believe he wasn't even going to tell me! (I figured it out...his tone changed...that's how well I know him.)
I can't believe he was meeting me online on his wedding day!

I feel awful. I feel like a bad person because I wish him suffering...like I am suffering.
I feel bad for his new wife. Not only is he talking to his ex on his wedding day....he doesn't have a job at the moment and doesn't really like her. (His words, "She's simple...nothing special.")

I am struggling right now.
I am trying to pray and find strength in Allah...but it is not really working right now.
I can't talk to anyone. No one knows what to say to me. So...I explain what's happened and I'm met with utter silence. It feels like things like this don't really happen to people!!

I am trying to be okay...I am trying to be strong. But right now...I feel like dying.
Even worse...I'm moving to Morocco in 10 days, his country. I don't know how I am going to deal with any of this when I am hurting so much.

Sorry....thank you for listening.
I really just need to tell someone, anyone, what has happened...because I really can't believe this has happened to me.
*Liz

 

[Mairo]

Dear Liz,

I am really sorry to hear about what happened to you. This is part of the reason why we are to protect ourselves from extramarital relations in Islam. Allah does not want us to endure that kind of suffering, but instead he wants us to benefit from loving, committed relationships through the bond and security of marriage. The regret that man will feel for what he has done is not minor.

There is a benefit that can come to be as a side product of this whole awful event. Which is bigger than any other thing you can encounter in your life and a true gift. Which is knowing that you can learn that as long as you trust in other people you are bound to be let down. But if you turn fully to the Lord and trust in him completely you will NEVER be let down.

Cling to God and you will find comfort. Commit yourself to following a path in obedience to God and doing good with your life and you will find true peace and satisfaction. Try to find a place of calm for yourself, and devote time and attention to caring for yourself, and seek to purify your heart and your soul and your intentions. Find the strength to leave this situation behind and go forward with your life on better footing.

Best wishes to you, God bless

 

[iamjannah]

Oh no!!
I wish I could comfort you some way
Im so sorry for you
But this is the thing in Islam and muslims, they should do as their family tells them because family is so important. And the thing in Muslim marriage is not love at eachoter, but love to God and same views in other matters, the love comes later.
You should not be sad, I know this is hurting right now, belive me I went through almost the same, but next time you know to becarefull
It is not easy first us westerns to understand this and it seems pretty funny, but if you convert to Islam and learn more about it, then u'll see it more clear and then u won't be sad anymore

 

[Zilliz]

Thanks..

Thanks for the advice everyone.
I know that there must be some divine plan for me...even if I CAN NOT understand it at the moment.

I know that our relationship was not halal...zina is not allowed, a very big afront to Allah, and things were always messed up. I tried very hard to right things when we were together. I realize all this and only hope that Allah can forgive me for the mistakes I made before I knew the right way.

I understand, too, about marriage and Islam...but still...three years together and he marries someone 2 weeks later. It just doesn't seem right.

He called his best friend and got cut off on the phone and even his best friend thought it was a joke. It's that crazy.

Now I am trying to focus on me and talk to friends and keep my mind off this situation as much as possible. But it's not really possible....

I did everything for this man...including move to Korea for year so that we could be together. I just feel really betrayed.

It's hard...but as people keep saying...Allah does not give us more than we can deal with so I have to believe I can deal with this...even ifit doesn't seem like it at the moment.

I really, truly appreciate the advice and help everyone is providing. (Keep it coming...I can use all you have right now!) It is nice to know that people I don't really know are willing to offer advice and support. I know that Islam is a caring and kind religion and I feel blessed to have the benefit of kind and caring Muslims give me heartfelt advice.

I really hope that I get through all this with my spirit still intact.
Right now I am broken...but its only been a day. I know times heals all wounds.

Thank you, all, again for your kind words.
Peace be upon you,
*Liz

 

[iamjannah]

 

[nblueblaze]

Over a year ago I found out the my fiance cheated on me. We were living in different countries at the time. We have a sexual relationship too, so he has not followed the rules of Islam. It took me a long time to forgive him but we worked through it and I did.

We recently started planning our wedding and he has now told me that he can not be with me, that he wants to be a be a good Muslim and be with a Muslim. He said that he wants to lead a good life. (I know that he can actually marry me even if I am a non-Muslim, but I understand too that he needs a partnet who is on the same path as him.)

I was actually very happy that he said this because I have been studying about Islam and want to become a Muslim but I didn't speak to him about it because it took me awhile to be sure and I was also concerned about his reacton because he did not practice his faith.

How do I tell him that I intend to revert to Islam? I know he will think I am doing it only to be with him, but it is because I see the truth of Islam and believe in one God and his messenger Mohammed, peace be upon him.

I have spoken to friends about this and they think I should not be with him at all, but I know that he is very sorry for what he did. He has learned too that he needs to get back to his religion in order to lead a good life.

How should I speak to him about this matter? How can I get him to understand that we can lead a good life together as a Muslim couple, but also that my decision to revert is not simply because of him?

Points to note:

1. Premarriage affair as you have described is absolute Haram. Your ex-boyfriend has commited grave sin. same goes for you.
2. On the postive side you have understood the Islam. Welcome! May the mercy of Allah (swt) be always upon you.

Advice: Your ex-boyfriend should NOT be your reason to convert into a muslim. Rather because your heart says so. Because Allah made you feel so.

Verdict: You are a good and mature human being and to be honest you ex-boyfriend doesn't deserve you.

 

[Zilliz]

I know...

I know zina is haram....I am WELL aware.
I never knew before what zina meant, or how it was seen in Islam.
I know how it is seen in Christinaity (how I was raised, but never believed) but didn't know in Islam.
My ex knew though...and he had this kind of relationship with me for three years.
i have made mistakes and I am trying to make up for them.
My ex may have introduced me to Islam, even though he does NOTHING that is requored of him, even pray...
But he is not my reason to know Islam now.
My decions no longer have ANYTHING to do with him.

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

One of the simplest things to do to get you over this period is not to think about him. If you spend a moment thinking about him..you are depriving yourself of the beauty of your life. You remain in darkness.

So...write to us. Tell us the good things in your life. Tell us about yourself. You. Shopping works..eating a little ice cream with a girlfriend is so much fun. You need to reintorduce fun into your life. Something stupid.

Ramadan is almost here. Please take this time to heal. Spend time with Muslims. We have so much fun during this time.

What happened yesterday..is gone..what is promised tomorrow..is yet a dream....live in the present and count your blessings.

 

[iamjannah]

:tti_sister:
keep going, you will find many beautiful things in your life if you let him to be the past now

 

[Munawar]

I know zina is haram....I am WELL aware.
I never knew before what zina meant, or how it was seen in Islam.
I know how it is seen in Christinaity (how I was raised, but never believed) but didn't know in Islam.
My ex knew though...and he had this kind of relationship with me for three years.
i have made mistakes and I am trying to make up for them.
My ex may have introduced me to Islam, even though he does NOTHING that is requored of him, even pray...
But he is not my reason to know Islam now.
My decions no longer have ANYTHING to do with him.

Assalam-o-alikum Sister,
You have just made me so proud of you. :ma: I salute you !

Does he know you post on TTI? If he does then he would know what a big mistake he has made.

One good thing about Europe is that it is now a kind of United States of Europe. You guys can go and work and live in any EU country. What I want to say is that there are many websites e.g. like Muslim Space dot com etc where people meet to know one another. Go to those sites and InshAllah you will find a good revert brother who understand your feeling and keep you as a precious gem. Since you can live in any EU country you will have plenty of choices... And since you know English USA can work too.

This was just a suggestion, not for today but after you heal from this traumatic experience. In Islam one should not live outside of marriage for a long time.

Wassalam.

 

[hussain.mahammed]

As salamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wabrakatuhu sister

I can only make duas for you. You need to forgive and forget him. Now you have a new duty. The call of Islam. You need to learn more about Islam. Are you a Muslim yet? Have you taken the Shahadah? Remove him completely from your mind. Its hard but its not impossible. Dont follow your heart. Listen to your mind. Think and act logically. You will not achieve anything other than crying if you keep on thinking about him.

Do something beneficial. Meet good Muslim sisters in your area. Talk to them. Learn more about The Creator, who created this beautiful Universe, The Sun, the Moon, the stars, the galaxies, the nebulas etc.

Do let us know how you are going through.

wa/salam

 

[palestine]

sister, to me you're already a muslim. just from your words, you know more then most muslims. mashaAllah. anyhow, this guy wasn't deserving of you. you don't need a man to complete your life or you. all you need is faith instilled in your heart. and for someone of your level you're doing pretty awesome dear. anyhow move on, his life is his, and your life is yours. and someday what he has done to you will come back and haunt him.

 

[Zilliz]

I think...

I think the thing that is making it SO hard is that I moving to his country in 9 days. We were planning to get married when I got there. Now I have to go anyway...and I really don't want to. As hard as it is here...it will be SO much harder there, without friends or family, without knowing th langauge.

He sent me a letter today too...
He said he loved he, that he still loves me, but has to listen to his family now. (I wonder why NOW, when we were together for three years.) He said his family loves me too bu they want him to marry a Moroccan girl. (If they love me, why would they do this to me?) He said his little brother, who I got along with quite well even though we only shared a little language, was VERY upset too.

I just don't understand why he did this 10 days before I came to his country. BAD timing! Very hurtful!

I am not Muslim yet...but I am getting there. I am not in the right frame of mind right now to take Shahada because I want it to be a very happy event and right now I am really, really a mess. I need to wait a little longer till this all clears a bit.

But I will be in a Muslim country soon...hearing the call to prayer, arriving during Ramadan. I think this will help me. I think this will push me towards the goal I need to reach.

On the other hand....I went to the mosque today to talk to someone who might understand a little and be nice to me, because my family does not understand at all. Instead I got a lecture about how what I did was wrong and I need to convert now and repent. I know this is true but if you saw someone who was in tears, who looked like they'd be punched in the face (I really look awful at the moment!), who was so obviously not okay...would you tell them they were a bad person and lecture them...or would you offer some comfort?

I am trying so hard to be okay...but my departure to Morocco is getting closer and making it so much harder to deal with anything. I feel very lonely and know that I will be even lonlier in a few days when I am no longer near friends and family.

At least I can post here. At least all of you have been kind and thoughtful to me.
Again, please keep me in your prayers. Everyone says Allah does not give us more than we can handle...but I am really at my limit right now and just need something, anything, to feel a little better.

Thank you all for listening...
Peace be upon you!
*Liz

 

[Mairo]

Again, please keep me in your prayers. Everyone says Allah does not give us more than we can handle...but I am really at my limit right now and just need something, anything, to feel a little better.

Dear sister, have you tried turning to God in prayer? If you unload your burdens and distress you feel to God, you will find relief. This is the best thing you can do.

I think the thing that is making it SO hard is that I moving to his country in 9 days.

Is there some reason why you are still forced to go to Morocco. Couldn't you change those plans at this point? If it is not possible, perhaps Morocco will be the best place for you at this point in time. It may be exactly the place you need in order to concentrate on learning all you can about God and the religion of Islam without distractions and in a supportive environment. Allah knows best. I wish you all the best as your new path unfolds.