Husband treats wife like a servant

[lovefordeen]

Assalaam walaikum,

Sister, sister,

We are to encourage couples to remain married. It is so easy for sisters to encourage women to divorce who have never been married nor divorced.
We can not have gut reactions and point the way out of a marriage.

The issues behind this marriage are financial. I have been married twice; to men of different ethnicities and trust me I would stand astounded when those moments of ethic superiority would come out. Each man has his sense of tribe, Men are not from Mars, they are from their tribes..and heaven forbid a woman forgets that. I don't understand it but I am a woman.

I am not advocating abuse and the Prophet set the example not to be verbally or emotionally abusive let alone physically.

Ok so the husband is not working and frustrated. Many men get frustrated. So the wife has to take that negative energy and transform that into something positive. Stand by your man.

Sister, that woman is lucky to have a husband in a time when there is economic crisis all around us. Try holding on to a few dollars until the next check is due by yourself.

What we are not getting is how does she treat him. Besides, a servant is one who serves. A wife serves her husband. You know the would you like me to rub your temples, darling? line. Stand by your man, sister.

When someone is down..that is when they need the most compassion. We are talking about human beings not statistics and pseudo-sociology.

Lastly, when he mentions seeking another wife..that is his right as a Muslim.

We are not kufr and we have to be patient.

assalaamu alaikum sister

it is the right of man to take another wife,but only if he can do justice between them..how can this man take another wife when he cannot provide for the first one ...how can he support two households...

and Allah knows best


assalaamu alaikum

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

In the post it was written he was speaking of the future.

Patience..we need to make dua that the brother is able to find employment to ease the burdens on his family. We need to make dua that light come between the couple and the whisperings of shytan leave.

If love exists between them they need to seek its source. They need to turn to each other and not let the dumb stuff get in the way. He is doing some dumb stuff and she is magnifying his dumb stuff.

It has to stay positive..why run with the extremes. There are children involved and children love their parents. With difficulty comes ease.

And what is this tip toeing stuff? What woman in her right mind tip toes behind a husband? I think I need to write a book for young sisters on the reality of marriage. I think I will post rule number one in the sisters section.

 

[esperanza]

the last sentence is a good idea..maybe a thread on marriage,,, but in the sisters section

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Yes, dear sister...but give me a minute to think it out.

And you know it is going to be sickly sweet..I keep thinking of that strong brave pious brother that InshaAllah will have to put up with me...just think sisters.....when your husbands are agitated with you..show them some of my posts and tell them to thank Allah they are married to you and not me...it will take one strong Believing brother for moi. May Allah bless that man.

 

[I.Iman]

Sister, hope you were not offended! That was not my intention. Yes, not really matter here, but I am not to young, I have been this and that and I have children so I don't lack experience. But (!) I do not no everything and it is important to have some Islamic evidence from Quran or Sunnah to advice this sister with. Advices from just mine experiences is not good enough. She needs something to "stand" upon.

And as for plural marriage..
because the Quran allows men to have another wife does not mean he must have another wife, and he must also seek what is good for his family and there should be in mens interest to know how his featured wife looks upon this matter. Just as he would not marry a women who has no intention of doing anything at home. This is something that must be considered before marriage.

But then again, yes a man has his rights and a women has her rights. If my husband feels he have enough money to marry a second wife (and let's be clear - this concerns much more than money, like huge responsibility, to be there for the family and protect them is one, and with several familys this could fail) I would say: ok get me a househelp and a babysitter. If he cannot afford that, wich are my rights, he cannot afford another family.

There a so much focus on mens right that womens seems to be forgotten..

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Oh sisters,

The evidence in the Quran is that Allah has given men rights over women in many matters. He has given us the responsibility of raising the next generation of Muslims to continue to perpetuate His Religion. The blessings in that alone are enough to make one prostrate before Him. You, my Creator has given me the blessing of raising Muslim children..and you have a Believer for a husband.

If all it takes is a servant to make you happy, your husband is a blessed man indeed sister.

We need to remove ourselves from the influence of the kufr. Islam allows me to exert my rights..and do I..sister I often thank Brother Mabsoot. Here we are bemoaning women rights and how Muslim women are not liberated..folks we are on TTI; the forum for fanatics as I have been told, and the ones who post most are sisters; this forum defends the rights of Muslim women. I have experience in this..I post ad nuseum.

Sabr and salat comes from the Quran..forgive and move on..what is said in a moment of passion negative or positive is just that a moment of passion. When he is angry..tell her to change her perspective and call upon the Beautiful Names of Allah. Call upon Allah at all times and circumstances. It is that simple. Believe with all her mind and soul and heart and Trust He, who is the Disposer of All Affairs.


Just found this on a thread:"A calamity that makes you turn to Allah is better for you then a blessing which makes you forget the remembrance of Allah."

[Ibn Taymiyyah]

 

[lovefordeen]

assalaamu alaikum wa rahmaathulhi wa barakathuhu

it is a right of a a man to marry more than once,but only if he can do justice between the women...

there are some men who would like to marry more than two wives,and at the same time expect women to contribute to the household expenses so that its easy for him to manage two households...its his responsibility to look after the affairs of both the families....

unfortunately,some people(including women) encourage polygyny just to about anyone...it's a right Allah has given to men,but it comes with certain conditions and responsibilities..

as for advice for this sister,i'm not eligible for giving any advice in this matter..

May Allah forgive me if i have said something wrong..

And Allah knows best

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

I am so grateful that you responded this way..

We have the most popular subject on TTI marriage. If the kufr only knew that the terrorist have marriage and its blessings on their minds they would faint.

Marriage makes everyone happy. I love all kinds of weddings. And then the children..they come in floods and grow like weeds...and then the glitter and glitz tarnishes.

In Islam we have a remedy for that. We are to strive. If something is not working; we have to find out why and fix it. We are instructed as Believers to follow the Quran and the Behavior of the Beloved of Allah. This is the polishing of the heart. The sabr, the salat, the giving of zakat, swaim, and dhikr and dua.

When problems in the most intimate of all relationships arise we need to be proactive in our faith and not defensive. Faith becomes the test. So we have to ask ourselves..is this issue significant enough for me to displease my Covenant with Allah.

For some of us, were we blessed enough to have the protection of a husband, we would serve him with pleasure, for the Love and Fear of Allah.

 

[Hajjerr]

Assalaam walaikum,

I am so grateful that you responded this way..

We have the most popular subject on TTI marriage. If the kufr only knew that the terrorist have marriage and its blessings on their minds they would faint.

Marriage makes everyone happy. I love all kinds of weddings. And then the children..they come in floods and grow like weeds...and then the glitter and glitz tarnishes.

In Islam we have a remedy for that. We are to strive. If something is not working; we have to find out why and fix it. We are instructed as Believers to follow the Quran and the Behavior of the Beloved of Allah. This is the polishing of the heart. The sabr, the salat, the giving of zakat, swaim, and dhikr and dua.

When problems in the most intimate of all relationships arise we need to be proactive in our faith and not defensive. Faith becomes the test. So we have to ask ourselves..is this issue significant enough for me to displease my Covenant with Allah.

For some of us, were we blessed enough to have the protection of a husband, we would serve him with pleasure, for the Love and Fear of Allah.

My sister Aapa, i am about to take a pen and note your advices, ill make a diary and if Allah will alow me to have a beliver housband i will use all of these in my marryage, and you gave them for free may Allah reward you and reward every woman that loves her housband for the sake of Allah and every housband that loves his wife for the sake of Allah, ameen

 

[I.Iman]

Assalaam aleikum wa ramatullah wa barakatho.
Jazakalah kheir. Alhamdulillah, I get any advices.

Two things needs to be pointed out:
1: this question does not concern plural marriage.
2: I needed some advice concerning the the matter (read the start of thread). From Quran or Sunnah or something correct.

3: with an answer to plural marriage: it is my personal opinion that the Quran says somethings for us that we are allowed to do, BUT that we do not have to do. For an example, if a wife would not be happy with her husband marrying another wife, why would he? It starts from there..from the beginning he cannot be fair. But If both wifes are happy with this arrangement why not. This aiiya came in a time when women outnumered the men and there were no men to marry them. So yes, there is a visdom behind this. But do not forget dear sisters, many many women nowdays work and contribute to the familys support so they can have it better. A women does not have to work, but if she wants to she can. A women does NOT have to serve her husband, BUT if she does it is good for her.
The same with plural marriage - if he choose one women it would be better, but he has the opportunity to marry 4. BUT only if he can be totally fair with women. And let's not forget what Allah swt said about that- No man could be fair with women.

So it is kind of a warning from Allah swt to men that they do this with a huge risk. The husband whom you love will answer to Allah swt concerning his family and the way he treated them.

And let's be honest, if he cannot treat one wife good, how can he possible treat
two wifes good??

What happens if one of the wifes children has some sort of handicap (psycological or fysiological) and demands the husband spend more time in that house?
How can a husband protect all his wifes and children if they are at different places? They do have the right to their own house etc.
Who will for example drive the children to different places (school, practise etc)??
What if he is on a vacation with one family and something happens in one of his other families, should he leave his vacation with one wife and go home to the other??
If a wife gets sicks, high fever for example and cannot do her normal houswork, and needs help home and with children, should the husband leave another family and go the wife who is sick?? What if both of them (or 3 or 4) get the flue at same time?? Puhu..
Tell me how a husband can be fair with more than one wife??? To me it seems
like caos.. Maybe thats why (statistic I've herd of) only 1 of 750 muslim men taking another wife.

 

[I.Iman]

And almost forgot.. This sister she does everything for Allah swt, and if she did not have any children, who know, maybe she would have put up with his behavior. This bad behavior is not something "temporary", it is I think a part of his personality. But sisters, she has not done anything accept try talking to him about this. And how can this be wrong? Marriage is a dialog, not a monolog. If something is wrong one must be able to talk.

 

[esperanza]

dear sister..ihave to agree with your points on plural marriage... but as you said this is not a thread on plural marriage,,and in the case mentioned if there is problem with one wife ,why think of another

the husband and wife need to discuss matters togehter,, or have someone help them to mediate
if there are minor problems over how she does or does not clean the housee..these should not lead to discussion of divorce..or maybe there are deeper issues involved

sory but dont have the cahance now but tomoorw willtry to add some hadiths about husband and wife

i know from experience that some arab men have certain expectations as part of their cultrue or tradition...

but as in any marriage there should be respect and understanding

 

[esperanza]

and imust add having read your second point,that some men always believe they are right,and can give an opininon but find it hard to listen to others opinions ..this case needs pateince,,,
and divorce s not an easy thing for him just to say,,,
mabe there are deepr issues invovlved

 

[I.Iman]

Jazakallah kheir sister, may Allah reward you for that.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Sister,

The sister can be control of the situation if she chooses to be. You control your reaction to any behavior.

When a person is angry they need to change their position..so offer the husband a chair as he rants and raves.

Why not add humor to the ranting and raving. When he starts his list pretend you are writing the list down..minimize the situation. We have a word here in the US..drama queen...that is the only form of communication. It gets real boring real fast.

A simple fact is this: a man needs to be in control of his world. If a man is not working he has the innate need to control something...so he is trying to assert himself and he is expressing his hurt through anger.

What wife has not endured that hurt of her husband. Most men will find something so trivial, they see a dustball, and you have to get the magnifying glass out to see it, and it irritates him. The older ladies taught me a wonderful expression..they would say" Child pay him no mind and let him run his mouth".

If he says the food tastes better ask him what do you want me to different the next time; if he says he wants a second wife..ask him do you think she will be hot like me!!! Diffuse the situation.


The man does not have a job.We live in a world where a mans value is measured by the amount of money he earns. His pride his hurt. He has to turn to his Tribe to gain courage. Stand beside him..when things get better..he will remember.

Sister, the best advise you can give your friend is to make salat. Tell her to read about the etiquette of the Mothers of the Believers. Tell your friend to think about the faith of the wife of Abraham.

 

[lovefordeen]

Assalaam aleikum wa ramatullah wa barakatho.
Jazakalah kheir. Alhamdulillah, I get any advices.

Two things needs to be pointed out:
1: this question does not concern plural marriage.
2: I needed some advice concerning the the matter (read the start of thread). From Quran or Sunnah or something correct.

3: with an answer to plural marriage: it is my personal opinion that the Quran says somethings for us that we are allowed to do, BUT that we do not have to do. For an example, if a wife would not be happy with her husband marrying another wife, why would he? It starts from there..from the beginning he cannot be fair. But If both wifes are happy with this arrangement why not. This aiiya came in a time when women outnumered the men and there were no men to marry them. So yes, there is a visdom behind this. But do not forget dear sisters, many many women nowdays work and contribute to the familys support so they can have it better. A women does not have to work, but if she wants to she can. A women does NOT have to serve her husband, BUT if she does it is good for her.
The same with plural marriage - if he choose one women it would be better, but he has the opportunity to marry 4. BUT only if he can be totally fair with women. And let's not forget what Allah swt said about that- No man could be fair with women.

So it is kind of a warning from Allah swt to men that they do this with a huge risk. The husband whom you love will answer to Allah swt concerning his family and the way he treated them.

And let's be honest, if he cannot treat one wife good, how can he possible treat
two wifes good??

What happens if one of the wifes children has some sort of handicap (psycological or fysiological) and demands the husband spend more time in that house?
How can a husband protect all his wifes and children if they are at different places? They do have the right to their own house etc.
Who will for example drive the children to different places (school, practise etc)??
What if he is on a vacation with one family and something happens in one of his other families, should he leave his vacation with one wife and go home to the other??
If a wife gets sicks, high fever for example and cannot do her normal houswork, and needs help home and with children, should the husband leave another family and go the wife who is sick?? What if both of them (or 3 or 4) get the flue at same time?? Puhu..
Tell me how a husband can be fair with more than one wife??? To me it seems
like caos.. Maybe thats why (statistic I've herd of) only 1 of 750 muslim men taking another wife.

wa'alaikum wa rahmathlahi wa barakathuhu

sister,i know i'm deviating from the topic..please excuse me for that...but i couldn't remain silent after reading your post...

islam gives a man the right to take more than one wife,provided her maintains justice between the wives...

sorry if i offend you,but we cannot ask questions relating to what he'll do if one has fever,is ill,driving children and all that..Allah has given him permission if he's just between the wives,and that's it...we don't have any right to utter a word against Allah's statement...He is the Wisest,and He knows best..

it's our nafs that's trying to say its chaos and all that...there are many men who manage polygamy well and some who don't play fair at all...Allah's our judge...He'll judge everybody...we cannot declare something that Allah has permitted to be 'chaos'...

Allah has permitted up to four wives to those men who can be just between the wives..in my earlier post,i meant that some men would like to take more than one wife,and expect the wives to work and support him..i felt that's not fair;as in islam,men are to provide for women...i don't mean that women are forbidden from working or to help their husbands financially if she's doing so willingly..i'm just a student of knowledge and not a scholar,so i don't want to go further into that part..

it's halal for men to marry up to four wives provided he's just between them,otherwise they have to be content with only one..i'm not encouraging polygamy to every man,there are men who can be just and some who cannot...

i personally would not want to be in a polygamous marriage(insha'allah)...but i cannot say its not practical or haram or things like that just because i don't like to be in one(insh'allah)...

and Allah knows best

assalaamu alaikum

 

[hayat84]

:salam2:
sister,my advice is the patience.I suggest to say to the husband to go for a walk and to come back when he's ok.it's normal that a man is often out for work and he only stays at home in the weekend or to sleep there.maybe this couple really don't know the character of each other and they often have discussions.you wrote that the husband treats his wife like a servant.how does behave his wife when he comes at home?does she start looking at him with anger?
we passed throught the prblem of work.my husband had difficulties with his job until he lost it because the society failed.we had no money to pay the water,the gas...but we always were united.even if he got upset toward me,I knew it wasn't my guilt,but I understood the situation and many times I helped him going around searching for a job,until he finally founded it!alhamdulillah there is nothing better that a fixed work,but also a good companion of life is good.

if this husband behave in this way,I pray he will reflect a bit..Never put the husband to the door!it's a great mistake,if she loves him,she must keep him tightly and make her best for not to make him marry to another woman....how could he marry another one if he doesn't take care of his first wife?it would be better if tthey get separated:it would be more honest

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Two different thoughts as usual.

First, we must try to assist the sister in keeping this marriage. In all honesty, the issues this woman is facing are trivial. And she needs to understand that this is spillage from other stressors. Why add to the stressors. Why magnify the problem. The basic issue is money.

I urge the sister to build a tougher skin. In long term relationships you can not let the immediate problems develop like cancer. I may be old school..but silence really is golden. So he is running his mouth..that is all he is doing. Let him get it out. This is temporary.

Because sister..it is tough out there. You think its bad when your husband complains..think about your boss and you know you have to digest his criticism.


Now, it makes sense that if the husband wants to exercise his rights to a second wife he needs to have a job. InshaAllah, he will gain employment.

But this mentality of holding tight to your husband is silly. I have addressed this issue a million times. If a man marries another woman that is not rejection of his first wife. The two are exclusive.

 

[strive-may-i]

Assalaam walaikum,

Two different thoughts as usual.

First, we must try to assist the sister in keeping this marriage....[EDIT: Removed]

Now, it makes sense that if the husband wants to exercise his rights to a second wife he needs to have a job. InshaAllah, he will gain employment.

If man cannot afford for existing family, generally, there is not much he would be able to contribute to his second marriage. It might be a personal character in him that needs a fix. If i were to meet him, I would suggest him to focus on his employment first rather than a second marriage, its better for him to not rush to a second marriage.

But this mentality of holding tight to your husband is silly. I have addressed this issue a million times. If a man marries another woman that is not rejection of his first wife. The two are exclusive.

What if a man marries again, and the motivating factors for second marriage is a contrast to above presumption?

The man has to exhibit a very just and equal approach and get his balancing act right, along deeni lines... thats when it becomes exclusive. Most cannot.

 

[hayat84]

Assalaam walaikum,
second wife he needs to have a job. InshaAllah, he will gain employment.

But this mentality of holding tight to your husband is silly. I have addressed this issue a million times. If a man marries another woman that is not rejection of his first wife. The two are exclusive.

nothing here is silly.me,I have a lovely husband and I want to keep him only for me.if only he wanted to marry twice,he should have told me before marrying me,and I would have surely told him "not".on the other hand my husband only loves me and millions of times he told me that he absolutely can't get in touch with another woman except me:lol:,because he loves me too much,and I make my best for not to decrease his feeling............in 2011 it's difficult to find a man with more than one wife:they are too expensive!:blackhijab: