I am hurting, please tell me what to do....

[abdellah007]

salam

salam alaykum sister.

from all ur threads and replies, i have tried to understand what kind of muslim is ur husband. but i am failed.

what does he want more than a muslima wife?

 

[Sabra]

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullah

Hello Diane,

I would like to respond to this in the best way I know how. I have been with my husband for eight years. He is from Monastir, Tunisia. My ex-husband walked out on me and my three daughters, he was hispanic, non-muslim. After
two years of being alone I filed for divorce. After this I, I was mowing my lawn one day and I looked up to the heavens and I asked Allah(swt) to show me the way to Him. This lead me to Islam and my current husband (all praise be to Allah (swt). My husband accepted me with my children and now we have six children together (MashAllah). At the age of 15, I sent my daughter
to live with my parents at the insistence of my husband, my daughter had already reverted to Islam. I did this after alot of soul searching thinking that
it would make our household happier and my husband would be able to accept
my younger two daughters as they have also accepted Islam and started wearing hijab at the age of seven for both by Allah's will (MashAllah). I ask Allah (swt) to forgive everyday for sending my daughter to my parents. She is a wonderful woman now and expecting my first grandson with her husband
in January InshAllah. My daughter loves my dearly as I do her. Now after all this my husband has just told me that he wants me to send my other two daughters to live with parents and he will never accept them. He told me if I did not, we could go our separate ways. My answer to him was, if this is what he wanted after all we have been through together I would leave along with my five children and "he" could go his own separate way. My parents have always accepted us as Muslims and we have a good relationship. So what I am trying to tell you is just be carefull. As for your children, I know you love them dearly so please be careful, some men can be very deceiving.
This happened over a week ago and we still are not talking as partners should. I don't know where my future is taking me, but I know my faith in
Allah(swt) will take me where ever I need to be. I trust in Allah(swt) only and as my name appears I strive and ask Allah(swt) for patience and guidance in every Salat. Ameen

Salam :tti_sister:

 

[dianek]

Assalamu alaykum wa rahmatullah

Hello Diane,

I would like to respond to this in the best way I know how. I have been with my husband for eight years. He is from Monastir, Tunisia. My ex-husband walked out on me and my three daughters, he was hispanic, non-muslim. After
two years of being alone I filed for divorce. After this I, I was mowing my lawn one day and I looked up to the heavens and I asked Allah(swt) to show me the way to Him. This lead me to Islam and my current husband (all praise be to Allah (swt). My husband accepted me with my children and now we have six children together (MashAllah). At the age of 15, I sent my daughter
to live with my parents at the insistence of my husband, my daughter had already reverted to Islam. I did this after alot of soul searching thinking that
it would make our household happier and my husband would be able to accept
my younger two daughters as they have also accepted Islam and started wearing hijab at the age of seven for both by Allah's will (MashAllah). I ask Allah (swt) to forgive everyday for sending my daughter to my parents. She is a wonderful woman now and expecting my first grandson with her husband
in January InshAllah. My daughter loves my dearly as I do her. Now after all this my husband has just told me that he wants me to send my other two daughters to live with parents and he will never accept them. He told me if I did not, we could go our separate ways. My answer to him was, if this is what he wanted after all we have been through together I would leave along with my five children and "he" could go his own separate way. My parents have always accepted us as Muslims and we have a good relationship. So what I am trying to tell you is just be carefull. As for your children, I know you love them dearly so please be careful, some men can be very deceiving.
This happened over a week ago and we still are not talking as partners should. I don't know where my future is taking me, but I know my faith in
Allah(swt) will take me where ever I need to be. I trust in Allah(swt) only and as my name appears I strive and ask Allah(swt) for patience and guidance in every Salat. Ameen

Salam :tti_sister:

Asalaam Aleikum:
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am at a loss for words. How terrible of him. My husband is from Tunis. Maybe there is something in the water there that makes them this way..........You are brave for standing up to him in regards to your other 2 children. alhumdullilah, I brought my oldest home tonight in spite of him and just asked her to please be kind in her words and gestures and he was nice back to her. Sometimes I think I am married to someone with bipolar.....extreme highs and extreme lows. I will keep you in my prayers.......

As for doing my salah, he still hasn't shown me or tried to lead me in prayer since I know no arabic....

Thank you all for being my support and foundation when needed. I have received more help here than I have from any counselor.

 

[mohamedqadar]

:salam2: dear sister

firstly, dont get pannic to me he is totelly wrong he should not act this way towards a 11 years old child. secondly be patian with him and remind him that she is only a child and insha-allah he will understand and remind him what he is doing is not right in terms of islamic sharia,

may allah make it easy for you aamiin

 

[abou haytam]

salam sister

salam o alikom sister

I would like to make clear something, the expression that your hasband use is translation of a commun arabic expression that arabs dad use'' "Get out of my damn face!" ( أغرب عن وجهي ) i write it in arabic in hop that some arab here can confirm what i am saying. It s like ''get lost'' .I heard this expression form my dad many times when i was young. it dose not mean nothing realy cuz it s usully used. Your hasband have the right to be woried about his kids includ your child . If he is angry it's because he consider her his kid too. I am sure that if she was his daughter maybe he will behave in worst way. The way he behave is a cultural way...You remind me a story that happened here in canada, one arab guy was angry and scream on his wife and tell her ''i will kill you'', the lady call immediatly 911 ,,,the expression i will kill you is also a commun expression in arabs langage to express a very high level of angr...i say sometimes to my litle sister if you touch my stuff i will kill you...it doses not mean i will realy kill you.........it mean that you will make me angry at a level that i can behave like a killer....i hope there are arab brothers that can confirme that to you....also it hapend to me when i am angry to translate some expression from my native langage '' berber'' to arabic and it gives somethong else....something weird or something worst. I want to say here ..sister diane don t take this to a high level and come with this stuff in a public forum, cuz islamically you have to keep secret of your hasband and it s a big sin. Some brothers and sister are judging your hasband ''islamically'' and they forget that you are comitting a sin by discussing his personal life publicly!!!!!

all the reply i read are against your hasband right !!! so day by day they gave you 1000 reason that you made a worst choice in your life to maryy this guy ..right?? did realy have right to judge him if they are not here to see his point of view????? personaly i think the picture you gave about your hasband is terrible.

It happend to all of us to be angry for stupid reason. what is stupid form me is maybe important for you. so i think this forum judged enough your hasband and they will not help you to arange stuff in your familly.

I whish you happy life sister. and be happy that you have a hasband jealous about your daughter.

salam o alikom.

 

[Abdullah_77]

:i dont know all sides of the story but i think he's overreacting and i think he should calm his temper
.....inhs'allaah

..as a teenager i get yelled at all the time too
.. and its quite scary when parents go balistic......


but i hope my lord will make me more dutiful to my parents ...as it is my islamic obligation
and insh'aallah i will make them proud before they die
amin

 

[Abdullah_77]

salam o alikom sister

I would like to make clear something, the expression that your hasband use is translation of a commun arabic expression that arabs dad use'' "Get out of my damn face!" ( أغرب عن وجهي ) i write it in arabic in hop that some arab here can confirm what i am saying. It s like ''get lost'' .I heard this expression form my dad many times when i was young. it dose not mean nothing realy cuz it s usully used. Your hasband have the right to be woried about his kids includ your child . If he is angry it's because he consider her his kid too. I am sure that if she was his daughter maybe he will behave in worst way. The way he behave is a cultural way...You remind me a story that happened here in canada, one arab guy was angry and scream on his wife and tell her ''i will kill you'', the lady call immediatly 911 ,,,the expression i will kill you is also a commun expression in arabs langage to express a very high level of angr...i say sometimes to my litle sister if you touch my stuff i will kill you...it doses not mean i will realy kill you.........it mean that you will make me angry at a level that i can behave like a killer....i hope there are arab brothers that can confirme that to you....also it hapend to me when i am angry to translate some expression from my native langage '' berber'' to arabic and it gives somethong else....something weird or something worst. I want to say here ..sister diane don t take this to a high level and come with this stuff in a public forum, cuz islamically you have to keep secret of your hasband and it s a big sin. Some brothers and sister are judging your hasband ''islamically'' and they forget that you are comitting a sin by discussing his personal life publicly!!!!!

all the reply i read are against your hasband right !!! so day by day they gave you 1000 reason that you made a worst choice in your life to maryy this guy ..right?? did realy have right to judge him if they are not here to see his point of view????? personaly i think the picture you gave about your hasband is terrible.

It happend to all of us to be angry for stupid reason. what is stupid form me is maybe important for you. so i think this forum judged enough your hasband and they will not help you to arange stuff in your familly.

I whish you happy life sister. and be happy that you have a hasband jealous about your daughter.

salam o alikom.

whatever language that is in...to say that is rude and overeacting...

....that is evil to say..... i will kill you
..no matter how angry you are...no matter what language you speak....
i dont agree with you abou haytam and as him is a muslim i think he should try to control his temper...and not say stupid things to a little kid like get out of my damn face....she;s just a little kid

 

[beliefinone]

As salaamu alaikum sister:

I don't know how your faith is at this moment, and I would hate for it to be shaken by this problem seek peace and guidance from Allah As salaam at this point. KNow that his actions are not Islamic or becoming as a Muslim Man who is suppose to be the provider in everyway including, spiritual guidance, wisdom, reason, understanding, and direction for the family. He is acting like a child, this is an 11 yr old child, and she should not be dispelled from the safety of the home. You are the parent so how can she be guided outside of the home, how can this behavior be correct without mutual consultation.

I know you want real anwers so I not going to sugar coat it by just saying pray. People are abused and just pray,and are still abused. However, you have to go a step further by praying and maping out a course of action and asking Allah ta ala for guidance in the process:

I think you should go to your masjid and speak with the imam about this issue.
Also you need to find some info on Mutual consultation so you 2 can reason.
It is okay for you to gather islamic knowledge in family matters and present it to him, and certainly if he is having this problem with your daughter you talk to her, and InshaAllah this will help, she will stop upsetting, him and he will change his course of response and actions

feel free to email me.

salaams
G

 

[tabaria]

:salam2:

Maybe you need to become stronger. Push back a little. Join some group at the mosque so they teach you how to pray and to get arabic lessons. Let your husband babysit while you go. You might even take the oldest with you, i'm sure they have kids books about the prophets.

 

[NaXuS]

My husband just called screaming at me because my eldest daughter spent the night last night.......you see she caused an arguement a few weeks back, just being a pre-teen, you know how moody they are.....well she did disrespect me and my husband. He told her then " I don't want to see your DAMN face in my house again"....please remember she is only 11 and he is her step-father, whom she does resent at times. I thought he would get over it and last night she stayed for the first time in that 2 weeks. He didn't even get home last night until after 11 and she was gone before he awoke as I took her to school. So....he calls me ranting and screaming about how I choose my daughter over him and she better not step foot in his house EVER again and he hung up on me. What does he expect me to do, turn my back on my first born for him? How do I handle this? I am in tears because I can't imagine that what he is demanding is fair or islamically correct.....please advise......she did tell him that weekend that she was sorry and he told her "Get out of my damn face!"........

:salam2:

Sister I know these are tough times but tell you what all you need is patience…patience does not mean you stop doing things but it means you should opt for the best option and carry one with the option which is more beneficial in the long term…..

Your husband is a weak Muslim but this does not mean you have to seclude from him ….you cant forget that its because of him you turn towards Islam….yes guidance is from Allah but he was the way he used to bring you the message of Islam….he your husband was with all his weak faith was patient with you but may be your guidance will be his guidance now….


In Halaal acts the most unpleasant act to Allah is Divorce.So in any case don,t go for it……

Tell him that as a Muslim its his responsibility to take care of his children and not to dig them inside ground like the Unbelievers of Mohammed SAW times……whats the difference in killing a child instantly or killing them with words or actions and given them a life of hell….kids are suppose to do mistakes and it’s the responsibility of his parents to be patient with their action and to teach them with kindness… if he say that she is snot his biological daughter then tell him what about his wife meaning you…..isnt he suppose to take care of you not only materially but also emotionally….and how will he take care of you emotionally when your child is missing from your life or when he is bad to her child….


There must be a really tense environment your home now…so first soothed it out….cook him his favorite food…wear your best dress for him ….do any thing which will first kill the tense environment…so you and him can talk in an environment where you can listen to each other in a peaceful way….in anger and anxiety most nice words didn’t work ….so you have to get rid of this tense environment…..now its your own life where you know what will calm down your husband to a level where he will listen to you and not get mad… peoples get happy on small things but every ones choice is different and well only you know what are those small things in your life where you and your husband are just happy with each other….i know as a Mother this is really tough for you but for the love of same daughter you have to be really strong to make things right for your self and for your family……..don,t forget her either cook her fav food for her….bring her things which make her happy …you have to bring compassion between your family members but for that you have to have compassion for all of them….be patient with your actions….wait for their reaction….you may have tried every thing so why not become completely patient with your love ones for a month….ignore their outbursts ….just become a good teacher to them at times…….be a light of hope for both your husband and daughter….at times you will feel weak but at those time offer salat to get help from Allah….he will clear your mind of doubts and to give you conviction and peace in your action…..just don,t be hasty with any of your action …sister do say the right things to your husband and daughter about their responsibilities but be patient with their outburst and do say them when again time ask for it but just ignore their outbursts….dont show any hostility to any one of them and also don,t let their hostility reach to each other and also to you….they are your responsibility and Inshallah things will get fixed with best of best of actions and with best of words but patience is the key….Best of luck and be strong which you are but don,t let the Satan make you forget that….

 

[halah]

Asslamu alaikum sister Diana,

I'm not quite sure if I can give you more or not! but let me try;
First of all I don't want to be a judgmental to your husband but I have something to tell him about,
Non of us can have a guarantee or a voucher that we will live untill our children be independent,so Ask him quitly if he wants to his children be treated as he treats your daughter ?????????
Tell him that he can get a great reward of being kind to your daughter,
and what if his children behave as your daughter does ,what will be his reaction????????????????


I hope to you a peaceful life and strong faith.

 

[abou haytam]

whatever language that is in...to say that is rude and overeacting...

....that is evil to say..... i will kill you

yes but it s a commun expression in our langage that it dose mean nothing. you get the point.
i don t support the anger of her husband but she don t have to take what he said in a first level. We have to calm down and our prophet (pbuh) recommand us to control us. i think our sister want a help not a judge.

salam o alikom

 

[mizzdee]

Sister.May Allah Help Yu..!!

 

[Aloosh12]

im still 19 but why would you love that person who screams like that and spits on your child...?!

 

[dianek]

im still 19 but why would you love that person who screams like that and spits on your child...?!

He is not always like that to her. He has apologized but let her know that the reason for his aggression was because she didn't apologize to his satisfaction, that she showed no real sorrow for her actions. They are fine now until atleast the next clash. He wants a muslim home, with muslim values, and Gabby, she is independent and strong willed and listens to her father in regards to everything.......and there is no love between my ex and my current husband....so you can imagine the rhetoric my ex propogates about my husband. Gabby repeats it and uses it.......HOWEVER, I am not trying to excuse my husband for forgetting she is only 11 and he acted irresponsibly. I guess I just have to do a better job of showing respect so that she will follow my example.