nblueblaze
A Brother
As-salaam-o-alaikum brothers & sisters!
Yes, I admit I feel I am ungrateful towards Allah...but somehow I feel that I am still a good Muslim and Allah still loves me...very confused...kinda long post here but would be grateful if you kindly read it...
I am an Asian by birth...male, 25yrs...Indian to be specific...I am not from a conservative Islamic family but again my family is not liberal also...kinda moderate...I used to regularly go to Jummah (friday) prayers in India and never ever drank, never went to night clubs and never touch a female...well, i will be honest...did miss a lot daily prayers because of laziness but still offer a few Kaaza (belated) prayers to compensate the loss...Alhumdulliah, my parents are currently in Saudi Arabia, they intend to Haj this year (2009)...
Academically, I am not very bright...but did quite well actually...of course Allah helped me in every step...did schooling from a very good place, completed under-grad in engineering from India, worked at a USA Company- Accenture for 2 years, completed executive program from INSEAD, france and IE business school-Spain...currently at Warwick business school at UK doing my post graduation...overall its a good profile I think.
Everything was going on fine in my life...I am not super-rich but Allah blessed my family enough to have an upper urbane class standard...by the grace Allah, finance was never a problem in my family/me...was content with which Allah has blessed me, then suddenly my mom decided to find a bride for me since she wanted me to get married (atleast engaged) before she n my dad leaves for Mecca...Well I really do love my parents a lot so I gave in to her demand ...well I was not ready for marriage, I was 24 then and I prefer to be atleast 27-28 when I marry but if marrying a girl gives happiness to my parents I was ready for it since how else could I repay them for what they have given me - life, education, love...I said 'yes'.
My parents (specially my mom) found a beautiful girl and well, she also said yes for the marriage...from good islamic family, well educated and really beautiful...I was quite happy...thanked Allah..Well, 15 days after, the girl's family called up my mom and told her that due to some reason they have to decline the proposal...this left my mom badly shaken...she even bought some jewellery for the bride for my engagement. I am not not that weak hearted and it didnt affect me much but my mom was extremely depressed...this state continued for 2 months and now that she is in Medina for Hajj, her wish is still unfulfilled.
Well, I don't see any damn good reason why she should say 'no' after committing herself to the proposal...Well I am no Brad Pitt but I am not bad looking either...I never crib about my looks and infact all my life I thanked Allah for bringing me in this world without and deformities...I am sad but not because she didn't marry me rather its because of her whims my mom had been depressed for 2 long months.
Now I am in UK and today I suddenly realised that I have developed extreme hate towards muslim ladies in perticular...I seriously hate even my cousin sisters too...cant tolerate any hijab wearing female...honestly I really dont see any good reason to be a good-ol'-honest muslim man any more...from a practicing muslim, I suddenly feel a strong urge to be a non-practicing one..havent gone to friday prayers for over 2 months...Today I went to bar-cum-restaurant and felt a strong urge to try tequila shots...I went with a Chinese girl to the bar; I don't love her , nor does she...pardon my language, we just want to sleep with each other.
I know all my intentions are haraam...but somehow I am TIRED...really tired of this highly formal, so called honest way of life where muslim people are expected to honour their promise which they dont...really I am tired...I went to a night club in Birmingham for the first time in the last weekend and somehow this kind of life makes sense...rather normal...without obligations...
Sorry for this super-long post...I am know I have gone astray...somehow got no regrets....my question is , am I still a Muslim? Personally, i think its just a name-sake...but I kinda still fear the hell actually...
Thanks for reading
Yes, I admit I feel I am ungrateful towards Allah...but somehow I feel that I am still a good Muslim and Allah still loves me...very confused...kinda long post here but would be grateful if you kindly read it...
I am an Asian by birth...male, 25yrs...Indian to be specific...I am not from a conservative Islamic family but again my family is not liberal also...kinda moderate...I used to regularly go to Jummah (friday) prayers in India and never ever drank, never went to night clubs and never touch a female...well, i will be honest...did miss a lot daily prayers because of laziness but still offer a few Kaaza (belated) prayers to compensate the loss...Alhumdulliah, my parents are currently in Saudi Arabia, they intend to Haj this year (2009)...
Academically, I am not very bright...but did quite well actually...of course Allah helped me in every step...did schooling from a very good place, completed under-grad in engineering from India, worked at a USA Company- Accenture for 2 years, completed executive program from INSEAD, france and IE business school-Spain...currently at Warwick business school at UK doing my post graduation...overall its a good profile I think.
Everything was going on fine in my life...I am not super-rich but Allah blessed my family enough to have an upper urbane class standard...by the grace Allah, finance was never a problem in my family/me...was content with which Allah has blessed me, then suddenly my mom decided to find a bride for me since she wanted me to get married (atleast engaged) before she n my dad leaves for Mecca...Well I really do love my parents a lot so I gave in to her demand ...well I was not ready for marriage, I was 24 then and I prefer to be atleast 27-28 when I marry but if marrying a girl gives happiness to my parents I was ready for it since how else could I repay them for what they have given me - life, education, love...I said 'yes'.
My parents (specially my mom) found a beautiful girl and well, she also said yes for the marriage...from good islamic family, well educated and really beautiful...I was quite happy...thanked Allah..Well, 15 days after, the girl's family called up my mom and told her that due to some reason they have to decline the proposal...this left my mom badly shaken...she even bought some jewellery for the bride for my engagement. I am not not that weak hearted and it didnt affect me much but my mom was extremely depressed...this state continued for 2 months and now that she is in Medina for Hajj, her wish is still unfulfilled.
Well, I don't see any damn good reason why she should say 'no' after committing herself to the proposal...Well I am no Brad Pitt but I am not bad looking either...I never crib about my looks and infact all my life I thanked Allah for bringing me in this world without and deformities...I am sad but not because she didn't marry me rather its because of her whims my mom had been depressed for 2 long months.
Now I am in UK and today I suddenly realised that I have developed extreme hate towards muslim ladies in perticular...I seriously hate even my cousin sisters too...cant tolerate any hijab wearing female...honestly I really dont see any good reason to be a good-ol'-honest muslim man any more...from a practicing muslim, I suddenly feel a strong urge to be a non-practicing one..havent gone to friday prayers for over 2 months...Today I went to bar-cum-restaurant and felt a strong urge to try tequila shots...I went with a Chinese girl to the bar; I don't love her , nor does she...pardon my language, we just want to sleep with each other.
I know all my intentions are haraam...but somehow I am TIRED...really tired of this highly formal, so called honest way of life where muslim people are expected to honour their promise which they dont...really I am tired...I went to a night club in Birmingham for the first time in the last weekend and somehow this kind of life makes sense...rather normal...without obligations...
Sorry for this super-long post...I am know I have gone astray...somehow got no regrets....my question is , am I still a Muslim? Personally, i think its just a name-sake...but I kinda still fear the hell actually...
Thanks for reading