Is it halaal

visionusman

being content
I was divorced a year ago. I have a daughter from the marraige (she'll be 4 by the end of march inshAllah) and obviously I pay for her maintenance expenses. I have also paid my ex wife's haq mehr and her brothers have taken all of her belongings from the matrimonial home. She has now asked me for more money for herself. She had all her legal costs paid through legal aid, where as I had to bear all the costs myself. She has also denied me access to our daughter and you know that the courts can only do as much. The rest depends on the mother. I had the services of a barrister so I can't even say that my lagal team was not good or not experienced. I have left the matter to the Allmighty for Whom all matters are easy and besides patience is a virtue. But what ever she now gets from me as additional expenses, because she does'nt work, could not possibly be halaal. Her father and brothers have very good salaries and she gets support from the council as well. Would it then be halaal to ask me for more financial support?
 

amyaishazouaoui

Junior Member
Assalamu alaikum
Don't kn ow about the money thing but please brother, fight for the right to see your daughter bach. My step dad has been fighting to get proper access to my step bro and sis fo th past 3 years, their mom on't wan im to see them. Inshallah he is going to get a court order. He has been thru mediation etc. Atleast then yu will get access and kno exactly what time and when.Kids need their dads. Wyt ti'n siarad cymraeg?
Wa salam
A
 

visionusman

being content
SubhanAllah! I know that my daughter needs me. She was very close to me. Unfortunately I feel that I'm getting no where. I haven't given up, but the entire legal system supports the woman. I feel completely helpless at times, but Allah SWT is the lord of the worlds and I have faith in Him inshAllah. I've been trying for a year and have so far had no success. The intricacies of the case are too complicated for this forum.

The reason why I ask about the financial matters is because I'm facing a desperate situation with the amount of money she asks. This really is not fair. That's new labour anyway. Make it too hard for the hard working class and give it all to the ones who choose not to work. Please remember me in your duas.
 

BintMuhammad

New Member
Staff member
Hope this helps,

Rate of maintenance for children if they are in their mother’s custody

Question:
My wife and I got divorced and I have four children, a son aged 8, a daughter aged 4.5, a daughter aged 3 and a baby boy aged nine months. What is the rate of maintenance? Please note that their mother is well off.

Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.

Firstly:

Maintenance of children is a duty of the father, according to scholarly consensus, whether he remains married to his wife or divorces her, and whether the wife is poor or rich. She is not obliged to spend on the children when their father is still alive.

The woman who has been given a revocable divorce (first or second talaaq) must be given maintenance and accommodation during the ‘iddah, but when her ‘iddah ends, if she is not pregnant, she is not entitled to that.
In the event that custody of the children is given to a divorced woman, then the children’s maintenance must be paid by their father, and a mother who is breast-feeding may request payment for breastfeeding the child.

Maintenance of children includes providing accommodation, food, drink, clothing and education, and everything that they need, on a reasonable basis, depending on the husband’s circumstances, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allaah has given him. Allaah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allaah will grant after hardship, ease”

[al-Talaaq 65:7]

This varies from one country to another and from one person to another.

If the husband is rich, then his spending should be in accordance with his wealth, and if he is poor or of moderate means, then he should also spend in accordance with his situation. If both parents agree on a certain amount of money, whether it is a little or a lot, that is up to them, and in the case of dispute the one who should decide concerning that is the qaadi (judge in a sharee’ah court).

Secondly:

It is permissible for a divorced woman to ask her husband for payment for breastfeeding the child, according to scholarly consensus.

Ibn Qudaamah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: Breastfeeding of the child is to be arranged for by the father only, and he should not force the mother to breastfeed him if she is divorced. We do not know of any difference of opinion concerning that. End quote from al-Mughni (11/430).

He also said: If the mother wants to breastfeed in return for payment , she has more right to do it, whether the father can find someone to breastfeed for free or not. Al-Mughni (11/431).

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: As for payment for breastfeeding, she is entitled to that according to scholarly consensus, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Then if they give suck to the children for you, give them their due payment”

[al-Talaaq 65:6]. End quote from al-Fataawa al-Kubra (3/347).

And Allaah knows best.

Islam Q&A
 

visionusman

being content
JazakAAllah sister. The issue is not maintenace for my daughter. I have no problems with that at all. I pay 15% of my monthly income and it turns out to be quite significant. No problems there at all. However why should I now be responsible for my ex? Besides the marraige lasted only 4 years anyway. That's quite short. She gets help from the local government. Her father who earns a significant wage is still alive. According to the Shariah he should now be responsible for her. As I indeed will be responsible for my daughter all my life, InshAllah.
 

BintMuhammad

New Member
Staff member
..and may Allaah swt reward you too ameen.

Right, that's why I made the but when her ‘iddah ends, if she is not pregnant, she is not entitled to that. more noticeable because it simply show that she's no longer entitled for a maintenance from you. I'd say it's not right that she ask for more. But I'd advise you to to ask a scholar regarding this.
 

Globalpeace

Banned
I feel your Pain, Bro!

Asslamo Allaikum Brother,

Having been through the pains of divorce, fighting a financial battle in the courts and NOT seeing my daughter for 6 years; I understand you pain.

It must be extremely painful for you and may Allah (SWT) alleviate your pain. Please note that after the divorce a woman is NOT entitled to any maintenance after the Idda period (if she is not pregnant, if she is then according to some scholars she is entitled to maintenance while she is nursing the baby). Having worked with Islamic Shariah council I know that there are a lot of Muslim Sisters who black-mail their Ex-husbands and are guilty of this Sin. According to the opinion of the scholars this is HARAM.

Her financial state is irrelevant in the matter. However Allah (SWT) commands us to help people so she can be helped BUT it is NOT an obligation.

You are absolutely right that the legal system is heavily weighed in favour of women; however all is NOT doom & gloom my brother. Please seek good legal advice & absolutely fight…

When I was going through my legal battle it was disheartening, frustrating, bitter and sickening to see the lies being perpetuated by her and the solicitors. I made a personal vow to myself NOT to give her a penny no matter what; we are now on good talking terms and I see my daughter & I have told her that if she would have asked me nicely I would have given her every single penny that I owned (as money is NOT important) but because she decided to fight it out; I made it a personal mission to defeat her & I did! I give her money now when she asks because I know her financial situation and her parents are old and she has cancer but that is a different story.

Please do your research my brother.

I have remarried since and have 2 kids but trust me the pain stays with you for the rest of your life…When you leave a woman that you loved and cared for years (4-5 years in my case) the pain just never goes away. I see my daughter now and she is beginning to ask questions as to why I left her mother & that is another painful subject.

Allah (SWT) has made us men and part of the deal is to be a man, act like a man and take the pain as it comes with the territory. In these cases everyone will always blame you (the man) and all systems (including Islam) are heavily titled in her favour and that’s the truth.

I suggest that you do try mediation services; there are Muslim organisations which will try to mediate if you prefer OR you can use good Non-Muslim services.

My suggestion to you my Brother is to pick up your life (I know it’s probably in pieces) and move on because YOU HAVE TO for the sake of your daughter and for the sake of your Islam.
 

visionusman

being content
Assalamualaikum. JazakAllah Khair to all for their very help ful messages. I'm sorry Sister Amy, Sister Hurul Ein for maybe sounding rude. I didn't mean to.

And Brother Global Peace thankyou for your helpful message. I don't like to discuss my personal issues in public any way, but thought I might get a useful message. I was right. As for putting my life back in order; Alhadullilah Allah SWT has already helped me a lot. I divorced my wife because I thought that was in the best interests of my ex wife, my daughter and me. I have not regretted that decision at all. I think we were in an impossible situation and there was no way we could have lived together. I had tried everything including mediation. I don't want to blame my ex wife for the breakup either. It was preordained by Allah that I face this trial. However I have decided to improve myself the best I can. I have always been a practicing muslim, but now I am trying to learn and practice more inshAllah. Please make dua that I can continue to strive for the hereafter and not for this world. I also now go to the gym regularly, cook and eat healthy, am working on another higher, research and acdemic degree (i've already finished my surgical exams) besides working full time as an eye doctor in the nhs. I also hope that I can remarry. I'm only 34. Did you know how hard it is to find a good muslim wife? revert or born. I don't think it matters as long as she is practicing and educated. Any ways that is another matter.

There is one issue I don't completely agree with brother global peace. I think Islam is is very just and does not favour one party over the other. It is stated in Surah Baqarah that a man should not be held at a disadvantage at the time of a divorce on account of having children. Neither the woman. Alas she chooses not to follow the prescribed path. Please make dua for me. Sorry the reply is rather long.
 

Globalpeace

Banned
Secrets of Women!

Asslamo Allaikum Bro,

Your story sounds so much like mine, Gym, eating right, Post-Graduate degrees and trying to cope…

What do the French Say: Deja’vu

Let me share a little secret with you Bro about Women (since its just me & you: MAN TO MAN)

These women are highly secretive and they don’t let out their internal stories BUT I have heard from the grapevine that the same afflictions that touch us (divorces, bad relationships etc.) also happen on the other side…Although they may not admit openly but I also heard that just like we look for women who have Taqwa and are practising they are also on the lookout for the same in men…So there is hope Insha’allah for us men

Shh…Keep it to yourself as I might get lynched! I am trusting you with highly confidential information

:) :) :)
 

visionusman

being content
Dear Brother GP, How and where do I find such a person? Are'nt too many in Wales. Besides I don't have much help in the sense that I haven't asked my family yet. The reasons for that are personal.
 

Globalpeace

Banned
Asslamo Allaikum Virtual-Eye,

Are You a Sister??? Shame on you for eavesdropping on our conversation…Proves that you can’t trust anyone in this world…

Brother! I also didn’t tell my family for a long time…Stay in Touch and we will have some private conversations away from the prying eyes of Women…

:) :) :)
 

virtualeye

Tamed Brother
:D
Asslamo Allaikum Virtual-Eye,

Are You a Sister??? Shame on you for eavesdropping on our conversation…Proves that you can’t trust anyone in this world…

Brother! I also didn’t tell my family for a long time…Stay in Touch and we will have some private conversations away from the prying eyes of Women…

:) :) :)

WaAlaikumussalam,

I am not your sister. :angryred: I cant be. Because I belong to the miserable army of men (but not married yet). :D


Wassalaam,

VirtualEye
 

Globalpeace

Banned
Sour Relationships & Re-Starts!

Asslamo Allaikum,

I wasn’t always practising Islam but Alhum-do-lillah came to my senses in my early twenties and decided to get married. Even before marriage I was trained in counselling techniques and worked with a lot of married and unmarried Muslims in and around and Mosque and so on.

I was looking for a pious Muslimah to marry and didn’t really care about her ethnic origin & so on & when I found someone I thought I was in heaven and life just couldn’t get any better. Let me remind you that she was practising and still is and I never had a problem with that part of her life.

My relationship started to deteriorate within the 1st year or two but I kept compromising on every little thing (big mistake) and after our daughter I continued the relationship for her despite being emotionally and psychologically abused every second of every day. It got to the point where for my daughter I decided that it is NOT healthy for her to grow up in a household with the two of us around so made the transition and left home. Throughout the whole relationship I NEVER physically abused or hit her or anything like that EVER!

Even after leaving for six months I was hoping that she would come to her senses and contact me (even when I was in the Hospital after an accident)…I still kept putting money into her account like a good-boy (fool I was) so she would not be financially burdened in anyway whatsoever. She never contacted me UNTIL I failed to deposit money into her account for 2 months due to some financial difficulties; I think that should in itself tell you about things and financial support and it has been eloquently put together by Br Daud McGuire.

During that time I analysed the whole situation and originally decided that I wasn’t going to remarry as I didn’t see a point in it; however after closer scrutiny I had to change my decision as I realised you can’t really live an Islamic life without getting married; so I gave her 1 Islamic Divorce and tried to get back my life by getting into fitness, eating right, trying to do Post-Graduation and so on while the financial strains of maintaining the “Stupid-Cow (Excuse my French)” continued to mount. Alhum do lillah I have extensive contacts in the Muslim communities but I neither discussed my situation nor the need to find a wife…I continued my life suffering in silence and not telling anyone (including friends and family) about what has happened as I strictly believe that pain is the only personal thing we have in life.

The only options of finding a wife without telling friends and family is the Web (different sites) and difference Muslim matching agencies up and down the country so that’s the choice I took. I met a whole bunch of sisters (both weird and normal) but found none to my liking; because of being without a relationship and the pressure of time (age and so on) I found the experience to be stressful as a lot of time I was under pressure to compromise on my choice. I had clearly written in my profile that I am Islamically divorced and the procedure for civil divorce is under process.

The best advice I can give anyone in a similar situation is NOT to compromise! Decide what you want and Insha’Allah you will find.

I found revert sisters to be more understanding of my situation then born Muslim Sisters perhaps that has to do with their life experiences in the West & I found that at least they didn’t try to prejudge me; I met a number of them and came very close to actually having a relationship with a Welsh revert sister but that brief stint also taught me a few lessons. I found that although we were both practising (just like the 1st relationship) there were still significant differences between me & her (I wasn’t born and raised in the West but I am not cultural at all); although she was a nice Sister I found her willing to embrace the Asian culture (clothes, food etc. She loved it all as it was all novel for her) along with Islam & to be honest I have never really been a cultural person. My experience with her and other revert sisters made me decide that I should not go with a revert sister and perhaps such a relationship is less likely to work out. I am the kind of person that evaluates a situation dispassionately, makes a decision and moves on.

At last the family found out and went ballistic; there were frantic efforts of reconciliation (from my side) which were coldly rebuffed from her side. I stepped aside and let them do what they wanted…When the family/friends found out remarriage was the easiest bit of all; fortunately someone in the Muslim community found out and the rest was history and I am very happy now (Alhum-do-lillah). During the whole thing I had become a recluse and purposefully avoided all contact with Muslims as I am a private person & didn’t want to talk about stuff in my life.

With hind-sight becoming a recluse and avoiding contact etc. was the stupid bit as now I know that people knew (or suspected) that there was something wrong anyway but never confronted me because they respected my privacy. With hind-sight I think things could have settled down a lot quicker if I had family/friends/community involved earlier but everything happens with the Will of Allah (SWT).

Obviously my wife (now) knows about everything but I don’t discuss this stuff with her because I believe that its my pain and she doesn’t deserve to live it with me; I know that she often complains to her mom/friends that I change the subject when she wants to talk about it…She is the one who actually pushed me to open the communication lines and start seeing my daughter after all these years.

Since then I have spoken to a lot of Brothers & Sisters who are in similar situations and I tell them to have firm faith in Allah (SWT) and actually come up with a “coping plan” and decide what they want to do in their life and stick to it!

I also tell people to evaluate a person dispassionately before deciding to marry; Yes the person should be practising first and foremost but you should also look at other things like likes/dislikes/suitability/compatibility etc. as they all play a part in marriage life.

Lastly I would like to reiterate that the pain of a broken relationship never really goes away but Life moves on; you get kids and stuff and Allah (SWT) is Merciful.
 

Globalpeace

Banned
Asslamo Allaikum,

You let the secret out that we men know what women are upto...

You killed the element of surprise...In a War they would shoot you for treason Bro; I hope you realise that

But we forgive you.

:)
 

virtualeye

Tamed Brother
The best advice I can give anyone in a similar situation is NOT to compromise! Decide what you want and Insha’Allah you will find.

Though I have not experienced such relations of marriage and I can understand how painful it is to get throught such a process you mentioned in the post. But my thoughts are a bit pulled by you above statement. I had been thinking that successful marraige under the command of Allah is to compromise with the ups and downs of marital life. This compromise is the way to bow your head in front of the fate chosen for you by Allah. Ofcourse there is a limit of tolerance for everything, and I understand that you must have tolerated the sad situation till you reached your limit and broke away.
But above statement given by you simply advising the Muslims to remain 'idealistic'.

I expect that you being from such a culture where most of marriages are arranged marraiges, know that arranged marraiges were more successful because the people who bow their ego in front of their parents they infact have more ability of tolerating the cons of their mariatal life too.

Wassalaam,
VirtualEye.
 

visionusman

being content
This is turning out to be quite interesting. Brother Daud McGuire is right. She's not my wife anymore. However the laws of this land in some matters are very strange indeed.

To Brother GP though; I have told my family about the divorce and never did I turn into a recluse. I don't think a divorce is anything to be ashamed of. However I haven't asked my family to look for a suitable match. I don't plan it that way, for a number of reasons. Some of these reasons are personal. Anyway coming back to the point regarding marraige; how do you find the right person, is what I want to know. I personally think I would want to marry a good revert sister. Again the reasons are personal. I could discuss them with the right person at the right time. However suffice this to say that I believe in the principles of marraige laid down in Islam. The ideal marraige was that of Khadija RA to the Prophet SAW. Those are the principles I believe every marraige should be based on and what we should all strive for. InshAllah. So the question remains. Where and how?
PS: I'm not a great fan of internet based marraige sites.
 
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