My story! (Please note this is not a conversion story)

Discussion in 'TurnToIslam Lounge !' started by AyeshaPS, Aug 7, 2012.

  1. AyeshaPS
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    AyeshaPS A Mu'minah Wannabe!

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    Assalam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu sisters and brothers,
    Alright, so I joined TTI about two weeks back but never really got the time to write more about me. Now before I start I want to make it clear that I'm not a revert so in case you're looking for reversion stories please visit this thread instead www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=20400
    My story is very very very long so Im dividing it into 6 posts! Please read it if you have the time to, it would mean a lot to me. JazakAllah Khair!


    My story starts in the June of 2009. Being the only child I was always very close to my parents, especially my mother. Alright, so my mother, who NEVER complained about anything started feeling this pain at the right side of her chest. She never really took it seriously, especially after she talked to her doctor sister (Aunt B) about it who said it's probably only a muscle spasm, she started ignoring it. But one day she had this thought in her mind that maybe she should get herself checked. Around the 10th of June, she got herself checked at a local laboratory! And the next day I can clearly say was the worst day of my life. I still remember every single detail about that day. I was in our room when I heard our main gate open, she walked in with the reports in her right hand and her eyes were swollen red crying. I rushed to her and asked what the reports said, and she said three words that literally changed my life forever, and i quote,
    "I have cancer".
    For a moment I was just blank. I didn't know what to say, I didn't know what to do! I wanted it to be a nightmare, anything, but not reality. After that I remember hearing Aunt S. cry and I ran to my room. I'm a very calm person by nature and I never display my emotions in front of other people. But that day, I remember well, I rushed to my room and cried and shouted and protested. I asked Allah why me? I asked him for mercy! Asked him for help, all the while screaming and crying! (I was only 14) My parents came into the room too. I could still hear my aunt crying outside. My mother sat with me (I was lying on the bed, my face in the pillows, crying!). She hugged me, kissed me but was at a loss of words. She was crying herself too but wanted me not to cry!
    My mother made me talk to my Aunt N. who herself had been through a lot in life but MashaAllah was a very optimistic person. She told me a lot of women that have breast cancer are doing perfectly fine so I don‘t need to worry. She said my mother will get cured and everything will be back to normal soon InshaAllah. That relieved me a little!
    On the 13th of June, we went to Aunt N’s house. The city she lived in was almost 6 hours away from ours, but it had a hospital that was well known for treating cancer patients.
    The first few days went fine. We would go to the hospital early in the morning and return back late. There were forms to be filled, payments to be made and rest of the formalities to be met. The tests showed she had a malignant cancer tumor (a cancerous tumor that can spread to other parts of the body from the part it originated) in her right breast. An operation to remove the tumor along with the nodes under her right arm was planned.
    The date of her surgery was finalized and she had her operation go on well Alhamdullilah. When she got home after the operation she had a tube inserted inside this hole that was made a little way under her arm to let out the discharge into this small ball that was attached to that tube. We had to empty the tube every time the liquid inside crossed a certain scale. It was a very painful process for me because the liquid had plenty of blood clots and what not inside. A few days after that she started getting her chemotherapy, (Chemotherapy has sessions after every 21 or so days. Every patient has a different sort of chemotherapy. Her’s was almost 4 drips every 21 days) Anyway, so she was getting her chemotherapy after the operation and she was losing her hair with every passing day due to it. She had extremely long and beautiful black hair MashaAllah. There came a time when she lost all the hair from her head and the hair of her eyebrows. We had to go to our village for Eid (like always) and we had to make her a wig because she didn’t want anyone other than our immediate family to know about her illness. She talked with everyone like nothing had happened and nobody got a clue about her illness. When there would be nobody in the room I would often see her rolling on the bed with pain, this time, in her stomach. We thought it was only chemotherapy’s side effect but the real story was different.
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  2. AyeshaPS
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    We were almost done with her chemotherapy and I was happy. I thanked Allah for giving me my mother back. I had learnt to smile again, to joke again. I was slowly and gradually coming back to the chirpy bubbly me I always was before this horrible accident.
    On her next trip to the doctor she had to go through certain tests to see if everything was fine inside. She got another appointment in a few more days. This time a cousin of mine who was more of an older brother and a fatherly figure than a cousin to me came with us. He’s a doctor too.
    I found her very sad between the days of these two appointments. I didn’t know why! So for the second appointment I was waiting with my brother (cousin) and my mother for the doctor to come. They both seemed very sad. A junior doctor came and started monitoring the images of her liver etc over this monitor lying in front of her. I was confused. What had the liver got to do with her breast cancer’s surgery? They sensed my confusion and my brother told me to wait outside with my father because we were overcrowding the room. I knew something was wrong. I heard my mother reciting Quranic verses throughout. I knew something big and sad was coming up.
    I came out and sat with my father. I was trying hard to hold back my tears because of all the satanic thoughts circulating my mind.
    In a while both came out. Mother came out and had to give another blood sample for testing. I asked her what was wrong. She said everything was fine. We went to the lab to get her blood sample. I didn’t enter the lab, I asked my brother(cousin) what was wrong. He told me she has another tumor in her liver and it was incurable. And I asked, “So, she’s gonna die!” And he said “Yes!”. I felt as though my brain would explode. I could see tears in my brother’s (cousin’s) eyes and I could see him fighting them. I ran to her inside, hugged her and cried. Everybody was looking at me, I did not care. I just wanted to hold her tight to me so that no cancer had the power to snatch her away. I’m sure the entire room started echoing with my screams. My brother came and took me out of the entire building. I was crying all the time through. He tried to comfort me, he told me we’ll do everything we can to get her health back.
    When we got home things were different. I was a different person. I kept crying all the time. I would randomly wake up at the night and start crying (I hardly ever slept). When everybody would be talking and chatting I’d be sitting there looking at my mother, Allah(SWT)’s precious gift to me that I NEVER wanted to lose, no matter what! I would just randomly start hugging her and crying. I had completely changed. I was no more that one girl in the family that never loosed hope, never cried and always told people to be optimistic. I was scared, ruined and simply broken into a trillion pieces. Even my mother was shocked at what I had become. I would cry to Allah(SWT) when alone, I would ask him to listen to my prayers just this once and I’d never ask for anything again, I wouldn’t get up from sajdah my entire life if only I get my mother back!
    People normally get 3 to 4 chemotherapy sessions, she got 13 because of which the veins of her left hand had gone purplish green and could be seen easily. After six months she passed away. We couldn’t treat her. She couldn’t live.
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  3. AyeshaPS
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    On the 13th of August 2010, my dad transferred himself into that city. The government gave him a big spacious house. Had two gardens, two big rooms, a sitting room and a plenty of other rooms. Mother loved gardens but she knew she only had a few days to live so never really enjoyed it there.
    3 days before she passed away, on the 21st of August 2010, she got disoriented a little, kept forgetting whether it was day or night. When we saw that we wanted to take her to the hospital but she couldn’t walk so we made her sit on a chair and my father and a few other people carried her to the car. When I was helping her sit on the chair, she held my hand tightly, she wasn’t leaving it, she was looking at me with a very distant and sad look in her eyes (I’m still crying thinking of that look), she didn’t leave my hand till they carried her in the chair and started walking away from me, and our hands slipped off each other. But we kept looking at each other. I had a feeling next time I come back, she might not be with me in this big house.
    We got her hospitalized. She kept getting good and bad. Never got into her perfect senses again. I stayed with her for two days consecutively and my Aunt B came (who I mentioned at the start) had come to hospital to visit her and I was told to go home and take some rest meanwhile she’d take care of her . I got home but obviously couldn’t rest.
    That night Aunt B was supposed to come home to rest and I was supposed to get back to the hospital. It was raining heavily and for some reason it was depressing me (though I’ve always LOVED rains). I was crying and praying to Allah to set everything right. At the same time I kept questioning myself why I was crying. Around 12 am my dad came. I asked him where Aunt B was (Remember she was supposed to come in for the night) and he said she couldn’t come because it was raining! I didn’t really get satisfied by his answer and hopped into the car.
    On the way I continued crying and praying to Allah to set everything right. The hospital was around an hour away from our home and it was the most difficult one hour for me. When I reached the hospital I didn’t wait for my dad to come inside after parking the car in the parking lot I just ran upstairs (was too worried to wait for the elevator. I even heard somebody call me, probably was a nurse but I didn’t look back, wanted to get to my mother as soon as I could) to the room my mother was supposed to be in. I asked the family that were admitted in the same room where my mother was (Every room had two patients admitted) and she said she was taken to the I. C. U, I asked why and she hesitated before saying “because she wasn’t feeling very well!”. I ran back to the reception to ask where the ICU was and before I could do that my dad reached the reception and told me follow him. We went to the second floor and he took me to the ICU. Amd there she was, my feeble mother who looked 20 years older than she was, a dozen tubes inserted into her nose and mouth. She looked so innocent and helpless lying there! All I managed to say was, “Mama, you’ll be alright InshaAllah! Okay?” and she replied back with “InshaAllah!” in her feeble voice. I couldn’t believe it. The woman who was known for her energy, for being energetic, for being the perfect manager around was there lying weakly having no idea of what’s going around. Aunt B took me to the Nurses’ room and my dad came along. I remember half of the things because I was only half conscious, I couldn’t walk properly, every time I got up to see my mother! I remember crying continuously for hours. When I saw her in the ICU, all our memories flashed before my eyes, all the moments that we ever had together, her innocent smile, her selflessness, her love; everything! I went to the doctors, asked what good could the degrees be possibly doing to them if they couldn’t save my mother. I asked them if they had seen miracle in their career and they said yes and that I should pray to Allah SWT. I just ran outta there to the waiting area. They decided to get her shifted to the room from the ICU, she only had a few hours to live so there wasn’t any use keeping her there. I told my family I wouldn’t meet her. I told them I don’t have the strength to face her. I told them what should I even tell her? Should I apologize for all the hopes that I had given her previously since none of them were coming true? But I did meet her, I obviously did!

    - - - Updated - - -

    The next day, I remember sitting with my dad on the sofa in the waiting area, he told me to sleep. I asked him how could he even tell me to? He told me I should, we didn’t know what might happen in the next few hours. I asked him was he implying she’s gonna die? He said everything will be fine. He was devastated too, it was a partnership of 17 years, it wasn’t easy for him either but he probably couldn’t settle with me being sad and so was trying to relax me. It was 23rd of August 2010 and 12th of Ramadan. I have no idea how that Ramadan was going on! I would have a sip of water for Suhur and another sip of water for Iftar. I couldn’t differentiate between Suhur and Iftar, I just couldn’t clear my mind enough to think pretty much about anything!
    The next day early dad dropped me home for a little rest. My world was shattering, how could have I rested? Anyway, after a while Aunt B called and told me to come back to the hospital and bring one of her dresses with me so she could change and freshen up. I agreed!
    I took bath freshened up and styled my hair like my mother (Tightly in a braid so they wouldn’t get out of her head scarf). My paralyzed Aunt S. (The one who I mentioned at the beginning was crying) and Uncle M. had come too to visit her, they were the second most important people of my world after my parents probably. My mother had taken care of them all her life. She was the youngest of all the sisters but the youngest of all the siblings was my only uncle. She was often referred to as the ‘Little Mother’ of the family, because she literally parented them in so so many ways.
    How they got paralyzed is another story but let’s not get into that yet!
    Anyway so I went to them and I told them they don’t need to worry. I laughed with them and joked with them, only Allah SWT knows what was going on inside me. I told them everything will be fine and they need to be strong. My uncle to this day I believe was the most fatherly figure of my life, he understood me when everybody else refused to, his own story was so painful but he was living, and was living VERY patiently. I did not want them sad, I wanted them happy. Like I said after my parents they made up my world!
    In a while Aunt B called again (remember she had told me to bring her dress along when I came to the hospital?) this time on the call she told not to. I asked her why, she said she’d rather change at home. I asked her, ‘Has she died?’ and she replied back with a ‘Yes!’, all I managed to say back was an OK.
    I did not cry, I did not sigh. I looked up and said in my heart, “O Allah! I only need your help and support!”
  4. AyeshaPS
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    I walked to my Uncle M. and Aunt S. and told them not to worry. I told them I’d take care of them just the way my mother had. I did not cry because I knew if I cried they’d cry too and they’d lose hope and I NEVER EVER EVER wanted that. So all the time till they brought the dead body home I did not cry. Held myself back. Until my dad came and hugged me, we hugged each other tight, and we cried and cried and cried…
    He was the strongest man I knew. I often thought he had no emotions of his own because he never ever showed his feelings over any occasion, but that day he did. I could see the pain in his eyes right through. Aunt N’s daughters were in that room too, they had been very supportive too.
    Then I turned to my mother, and everybody witnessed a smile on her face. It wasn’t an illusion. We could all see didn’t even look dead. She had the face that she used to have when she would smile. She rarely laughed, mostly smiled an innocent smile when something funny would happen. I saw her lying silently there, not moving! This was the same mother who would wake up during Suhurs only to tell me to drink enough water and to eat properly even during her chemotherapy. She was the mother who would often come to my bed and often watch me sleep without me knowing and when I would ask why wasn’t sleeping on her bed she would tell me “because I want to be with my daughter for a while!” and smile.
    She passed away on the 24th of August 2010, the 13th of Ramadan and had her funeral the next day. I didn’t even cry then since my Uncle M and Aunt S were sitting right behind me, Uncle M in the wheelchair and Sister S on a chair, crying. I didn’t want to cry and break them further. And the people were discussing how cold blooded and evil I was to not even be sad/crying at her funeral! I did not respond. That’s how the world is, I’ve accepted that with time. The more the dark side of the world is exposed to me the closer I'll get to Allah SWT! SubhanAllah!
    A few months after that my dad got diabetes. That killed me again for diabetes is known to be the root cause of all other diseases (May Allah SWT help him in dealing with this disease) but the worst event that took almost all my strength away was Uncle M’s death in May of 2011. I remember I had my Ordinary Level examination going on in those days. The worst exams of my life!
  5. AyeshaPS
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    Since then I’ve been seeing the cruel face of the world more clearly! Mothers always shelter their children from the evil of the world but she passed away when I was only a few months away from my 16th birthday. I saw what people really were. I’m nearing my 18th birthday InshaAllah. And I’ve learned so much.
    Many people were there for me off and on, but if there was someone who was always there, it was Allah SWT! SubhanAllah! One verse that has never failed to motivate me, not even then, is
    “We will certainly test you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and fruits (earnings); but give glad tidings to the persevering and patient”… it gave me the strength to live and to live patiently. It motivated me to turn to Allah SWT and to only ask him for help and support.
    Generally I’ve been very disappointed with the world. My best friend of eight years, who I’d considered more of a sister left me, apparently for the company of girls who she could have ‘more fun with’.
    Nobody knows I still have a hard time sleeping at night. Nobody knows I still cry in the folds of night. I’ve grown beyond years but everybody wants the love of a mother. And I don’t demand it from anyone, because only Allah SWT is my strength and the name of Muhammad PBUH is my tool to get across this life finally.
    The only dream I have left is becoming a Mominah and doing well in the name of islam but with that becoming a doctor and opening up a cancer hospital that treats people free of cost and then meet my mother up there, that’s my most awaited moment for sure. I finally want to see people know and realize that Islam isn’t what CNN and Fox news say it is, it is the greatest religion and the ultimate truth of the world, preached by the greatest man to have ever walked the face of earth, sent by the one and only Creator and Sustainer of all the universes, the heavens and the hells and every thing that’s ever existed.

    A little note: Please pray for my father (who’s stayed with me all throughout! He’s given up everything for me and my studies) and my Aunt S. and with that the entire Muslim Ummah. May Allah SWT guide the non muslims to the truth! Aameen
    Wassalam
    Your sister in Islam, Ayesha
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  6. strive-may-i
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    Walaikum Ssalaam Warahmathullahi Wabarakaatuh,

    You know the journey, the toughest parts you have already faced it . May Almighty make things easier for you... Ameen.
    May Almighty give you the strength, intelligence, patience and willpower, to achieve your goals... Ameen
    May your good deeds translate to rewards that will benefit you, your father (in here and hereafter), and your mother, bereaved family (in hereafter) .... Ameen

    Be here.
    Ramlaan greetings.
  7. ilyas_eh
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    ilyas_eh Used to be active here!

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    wa alaykkum assalaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh

    may Allah have mercy on your mother, on your father and on you, may He give you an easy reckoning and join you all in jannat al firdaus.

    I haven't got much words with me to convey what I really feel right now. may Allah reward you with good in this world and in the next.
  8. xAllahKnowsBestx
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    Assalamu 'alaykum.

    Subhan'Allaah. Sister, may Allaah raise your ranks in Jannah for being so patient and struggling in the way of Allah.

    I really don't know what to say.. except that your story made me cry, and humbled me immensely. JazaakAllaahu khayr for sharing it.

    May Allaah grant your mother, father, family, and yourself jannatul firdouse. And may Allaah allow me to meet you in Jannah. Ameen.

    Stay strong insha'Allaah.
  9. AyeshaPS
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    JazakAllah Khair for such beautiful duaas! May Allah give you and all the other Muslims the spirit to be better muslims too and may Allah bless the entire Ummah with the treasure of faith, prosperity and countless joys! Aameen!
    Stay blessed!
  10. AyeshaPS
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    JazakAllah Khair for such beautiful duaas! May Allah grant you and the entire muslim Ummah the blessings of faith, emaan, smiles and countless prosperities!
    Aameen!!
    Stay blessed!
  11. AyeshaPS
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    Waalaikum Assalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu sister!
    JazakAllah Khair for the beautiful duaas sister!! That means Alot!
    I feel very honored after reading that.
    May Allah bless you and your family along with the rest of the ummah the best of iman, faith, countless smiles and prosperity! Aameen!
    Stay blessed! :)
  12. AyeshaPS
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    JazakAllah Khair everyone for your beautiful comments!
    It's so long that I had started to think I won't even get one reply! You have no idea how much each comment means to me!
    May Allah SWT bless you all with treasures of mercy, peace, emaan, smile and prosperity InshaAllah! Ameen
    Stay blessed!
  13. Itqan Ullah
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    Itqan Ullah Time is Running!!

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    Asslamaliekum warahmatullahi wabrakatu,
    Jazakallah Khairan for sharing your story sister. It surely carries many lessons & reminders for all of us and specially for me. I felt wetness in my eyes reading it.

    Allah (swt) tests whom he loves, may Allah (swt) make your path to paradise easy for you.
    May Allah (swt) have mercy on your mother & deceased uncle and grant them Jannah.
    & May Allah (swt) cure your father and reward him abundantly.

    Subhanallah! Beautiful reflection indeed. Very true.
  14. AyeshaPS
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    Walaikum Assalam Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu brother!
    JazakAllah Khair for the beautiful comment and the beautiful duaas. You have no idea how honored it makes me feel! Alhamdullilah I'm touched!

    May Allah SWT make the path to Jannah easier for you, your family and the entire Muslim Ummah too, and may Allah SWT reward the entire Ummah with jewels of emaan, faith, smiles and prosperity! InshaAllah! Aameen

    Stay blessed!
    Wassalam!
  15. Asja
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    Asja Pearl of Islaam

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    Assalamu allaicum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu

    JazzakAllahkhair dear sister for opening your heart to us and for sharing your story.

    May Allah reward you dear sister for your strenght, faith in Allah and struggle and may Allah reward your beloved mother with Jannah.

    May Allah give you and your family sabr and patinece trough life on this world. Ameen summa ammen

    Assalamu allaicum
  16. Seeking Allah's Mercy
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    Seeking Allah's Mercy Qul HuwaAllahu Ahud!

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    Asalamo`Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Baraakaatuh,

    Ukht! You killed all thoughts that could have been forming in my head! Sobhan`Allaah. The strength sthat some of you sisters here show, makes me speechless. I wish I were there, I would like to give you a big hug. Not because I feel sad and all that. That's one thing. But because of who you are. What Allaah has made you into, and your strong faith and character, that I wish I could hug you in real life.

    May Allaah reward you immensely and cure your father and aunt and may Allaah grant you a blessed life and hereafter with your mother(RahimAllaahu) in lush green gardens of Jannah.

    I don't have words to explain what I felt after reading ^bits of you story.
  17. Itqan Ullah
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    Itqan Ullah Time is Running!!

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    Ameen.
    Barakallah Feeki Sister.

    Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah :)saw:) said, "Allah, the Exalted, says: 'I have no reward other than Jannah for a believing slave of Mine who remains patient for My sake when I take away his beloved one from among the inhabitants of the world". [Al-Bukhari].
  18. xAllahKnowsBestx
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    xAllahKnowsBestx Junior Member

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    Wa iyyaki sis <3

    Ameen to your duas! :D
  19. IbnAdam77
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    IbnAdam77 Travelling towards my grave.

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    Assalam 'ALaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh sister

    Your story truly made me cry Subuhaanallah! InshaAllah you and family are in my Du'as.

    By the way, that verse is one of my favorites too.

    Wassalam 'ALaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
  20. AyeshaPS
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    AyeshaPS A Mu'minah Wannabe!

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    Walaikum Assalam Warahmatullahi Wabaratuhu sister!
    JazakAllah Khair for the beautiful duaas! May Allah reward you and the entire Muslim Ummah with treasures of Imaan, faith, smiles and prosperity in this life and the hereafter! Aameen!
    And I had to put the story here so that people can read it and benefit from it in whatever little way they can. Alhamdullilah I'm humbled at so many people reading and taking their own little lessons from it! All praise is due to Allah SWT!
    You'll be in my prayers along with the rest of the Ummah InshaAllah!
    Stay blessed
    Wassalam

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