My wife is so different- help

Discussion in 'Women, Family, and Marriage' started by brucelee786, May 14, 2014.

  1. Cariad
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    Cariad Junior Member

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    In your posts it seems like your wife's weight is a problem for you, although you may not imply this directly to your wife, maybe your wife sees this in your manner towards her. This could make her feel bad about herself .. Believing she cannot live up to your ideals as a wife and if that is so then how can you love her the same.

    I really think you need to ask yourself how much you love your wife as the person she is.. Inside.. Not her appearance... Make up, new clothes and hair cuts are not the answer if a person feels low self esteem in their heart. Any fix of that nature can only be temporary. Your wife needs to understand where her true beauty is... You can help her find that. Instead of talking to people on a forum talk to your wife.. Explain how you feel, ask her how she feels and listen to her answers. All marriages are hard work at times and it takes effort from both parties to make it a success. If the love is there no problem is insurmountable.

    Blessings.
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  2. brucelee786
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    brucelee786 Junior Member

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    Not groooming also means daily stuff.. I am a man, i shave, cut my hair, etc. Women typically comb their hair, wear a variety of clothing, lotion themselves, etc. Yes many women can care less, but maybe they cook, or work or contribute in another way.

    when I say she doesn't do anything for me, i LITERALLY mean that. What are the responsibilities of a wife? Please explain... IF me as a man, I work, I pray, I pay the bills, I am a father on weekends, I spend my free time at home..

    what is her job? Because when i say she does nothing, she does nothing. I make my breakfast, lunch, dinner. I don't want a servant, i want a wife... split responsibilities. If i wanted a nanny, I can hire one.

    I don't think you caught my drift. As for beauty, sorry for being a man, but I am willing to compromise... i said contribute in ANYWAY as a wife. Wait, am i asking for too much?
    Last edited: May 17, 2014
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  3. brucelee786
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    EIGHT YEARS brother... that is how long I tried... My parents have spoken to her. Sadly, she knows how lazy she is, she accepts it-- but Shaitain has said what? "I will destroy your ummah, starting with the husband and wife!".

    I know beauty is only skin deep. I married her, right? She isn't the same girl I married.

    So that is what I am faced with...
  4. Precious Star
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    Perhaps it would be helpful if YOU told us what you expect in terms of her responsibilities? What would you like her to do for you in terms of tasks or responsibilities? Does she just sit in her pj's all day in front of the t.v.?
  5. Ummabdullah55
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    As salaam 'alaikum warahmatullaahi wabarakatuh,
    How are you doing now brother?? any changes?

    I read your article, and i think i understand what you are going through,
    First things first: You mentioned you told your wife you would worship her..(even if you did not mean literally be very careful with such statements of ambiguity because shirk is the greatest sin.)

    Second: It seems to me you're wife is going through depression. I would advice you to try to get her to talk about whats bothering her. Has she faced any traumatic events? Or does she feel you don't love her?

    - Another thing, Who are her circle of friends?? are they also the same( you can ask their husbands- in an indirect way and not indicating your wife's problems)

    -If i was in her shoes and acting like that the only way to change me, or help me would be to love me as i am first, and show me that you love me unconditionally... i would definitely change to make my hubby happy.. Its just that simple.

    -You can ask her friends to advise her (again her circle of friends is a big influence)

    -Lastly, my brother in islam, Its not good to speak of your wife's secret like this. Although i understand you are desperate for a change. May Allaah grant you patience and ease in your marriage. 'ameen.
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  6. Anwar Shah
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    Salaam Bro

    Take advice from those who have knowledge like your local Imam at your Masjid or someone like sheikh Aseem Al Hakeem.

    You are accountable for your actions and you will face your Lord on the day of reckoning. Fear Allah swt and may Allah swt make it easy for you and your family. Ameen
  7. sal12
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    Hmm this is a hard one. I think maybe she needs something to motivate her. She likes spending time with her children so would it be an idea if she does something active outdoorsy with her child maybe? That may help with the weight?

    Or would you be able to think back before she had your child at what she enjoyed taking part in and try to see if she wants to continue any previous hobbies?

    About islam, does she read books? Maybe buy her a good islamic book as this may motivate her to pray more if she learns more about Islam?

    Maybe there is something missing in her life hence her demotivation.

    Not sure what else to suggest.
  8. sal12
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    Regarding her weight, maybe buy her a book about the dangers of obesity on health? You said your mum cooks for you both, would it be cheeky to ask your mum to cook healthier meals to help with her weight?

    About grooming, ermmm need to think about that one. Ill be back!
  9. sal12
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    Can i ask, when was the last time you bought her a gift and what was it?
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  10. Cariad
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    :) I checked it definitely says female under gender by my name.. So why do people keep calling me brother!!! :D

    You have so much advice here from well meaning people. Are you waiting for someone to say the words maybe you should end your marriage? Honestly the solution to your problem lies in your hands. Thinking back in your posts about your wife.. You say she is over weight.. She is lazy.. She does not take wifely duties seriously.. When you say these words.. ~I know beauty is only skin deep. I married her, right? ~ That is like saying you do not see her as beautiful. It makes me wonder if your wife's problems are of your making because she feels she is unloved by you.

    You say all what you are faced with... What do you think your wife would say she was faced with if she was asked?

    Please just hold her and tell her you love her that she is the best thing in your life.. Maybe if she feels loved she will want to return that love.. Loving someone is wanting to please them by doing things that you know makes them happy. Maybe you can work this out.. First step.. Accept that you yourself might have some fault here.. Good wishes in your efforts and I hope you will both find happiness together.
    Blessings
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  11. exalted
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    "may allah(swt) make your situation easy, ameen"
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  12. Zaheera_265
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  13. Zaheera_265
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    salaams

    Honestly if she hasnt changed in all this time se isnt going to change. Accept it, deal with it and move on. I always say, if you not going to do anything about it dont complain.
    You make a choice. simpe as that.
    Its so funny, men that have women that do all of what you want and stated above, dont appreciate them, really, how sad.

    Z
  14. brucelee786
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    i would not speak of her in open... this is anonymous. She isn't depressed. She doesn't hang with many friends, she is a homebody. She knows I care, I spend my free time with her.

    She is just so lazy it is beyond explanation. As she ages, it will only get worse.

    In Islam, women are supposed to cover up EXCEPT for their husbands. THey are to use their ornaments to attract their husbands. She can care less. She will say each day, I am changing, but the next day, its the same.
  15. brucelee786
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    brucelee786 Junior Member

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    Sorry for saying brother, sister! If you want my wifes email, let me know. Ask her yourself how I treat her. If she says anything short of queen, then I would be shocked. I with time, started to lose patience with her lies, and now I give the cold shoulder more and am more distant- but this is the result of no change in so many years.
  16. brucelee786
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    IF my wife did any of the above, i would appreciate her. I don't take things for granted... I think she takes me for granted.

    If i could turn back time... I always thought women liked to cook, dress up, etc.
    Last edited: May 19, 2014
  17. Norii
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    Salam Alaykum Akhi,

    I wanted to share my experience with you and Inshallah you may find some of the things I am going to mention beneficial.
    I struggled with my weight since being a child, I have always been on the overweight side.

    My weight fluctuated while I was a teen and I was somewhat thinner around 16/17 years of age. Then during my late teen years I met someone and we got engaged to be married, in the first year we spent the whole year going to restaurants going out etc. He was very fit himself but you know he was blessed with good metabolism mashallah. I on the other hand, in the space of a year I put on over 3 stones.
    He always told me my weight never bothered him which comforted me and over time but I put on a huge amount of weight and I was loosing control, I didn't know how to control it.

    My fiancé wasn't directly hurtful about my weight as a matter of fact he hardly spoke about it as he knew he 'shouldn't' speak to a woman about her weight lol. But then I started feeling it, I could see he wasn't attracted to me or when we were out he started looking at other girls and he only ever noticed skinny girls and I started noticing little things. Or when I ordered something and he made a comment about a healthier option. I know he was only trying to help me but sometimes we are most defensive about our greatest weaknesses.

    I felt like he was disrespecting me by looking at other women how dare he I am his fiancé but I was unfair because I didn't take into consideration what he needs from a wife, and yes people may tell you its shallow to want that but if that is what it takes to keep you building a healthy happy marriage then by all means fight for it.

    As his fiancé i felt that he had to accept me and love me regardless of what I am because he had faults and I accepted them. However, I understand now through experience that might not always be the way and I don't think you should feel guilty that you are bothered by it. It is actually really nice that you are looking for answers or opinions etc or the fact that you have stuck around for 9 years even though things haven't changed. Inshallah Allah will reward you for that.

    I know it is frustrating to you that she is doing nothing about it or may even seem like she doesn't care. But it is much easier said than done. Weight issues are much bigger than you think especially if obesity runs in the family, and yes they usually come with mental issues, you do not know if your wife is depressed, depressed people can hide depression very well!!!!!!

    I promise you your wife wants to be thin and attractive just as much as you want her too.
    You are wondering why she hasn't changed clothes? I did exactly the same, because when I went shopping i felt like it was a waste of money to spend on something nice that will look ugly on me, I still look fat, I just wanted to hide under the biggest thing I can find hoping it doesn't show my rolls of fat. I had my comfy outfits and I could live in them. I felt like when I tried to put in effort I just looked like a fat ugly girl who is trying to get attention.

    I wanted to loose weight so bad but I didn't know how to do it, i lacked courage and motivation.

    I learned the hard way, my fiancé left me. I was very insecure and hated myself and my first goal was to loose weight so no person would ever makes me feel like that again. I was so concerned about my weight I followed a diet, and became obsessed to the point I started feeling guilty as soon as I ate anything, could be as small as an apple. I became bulimic, a new battle I had to fight.

    Conclusion, I lost 45kgs in total. I was diabetic when I was fat, I beat diabetes ALHAMDULLAH. However, I am now fighting various mental/stomach problems caused by bulimia. Just to mention, until this day not one member of my family knows I am bulimic or even have depression.

    Alhamdullah I have improved my eating habits lately and have tried to actually completely change my diet rather deprive myself from food for a period of time.

    My point in telling you this long story

    Just because your wife isn't depressed doesn't mean she isn't, matter of fact I am almost sure she is. Sometimes people really loose hope and people can hide things they are embarrassed about very well.
    I agree your wife needs to step up and do something about it or she may loose you. She needs to realise, as harsh as it may sound, maybe it shouldn't come directly from you but if you are close to female member who can speak her from a woman point of view and how important it is for a woman to groom for her husband and for her own self really.
    It is totally acceptable what you want, BUT I think you need make sure you approach it the right way, your wife might have things she really doesn't like about you but she doesn't say because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings so do the same for her.
    Have you tried approaching it from a health side of things? rather than being so focused on what you want from her as a wife.
    You said your wife doesn't cook, I know that in a traditional muslim family it is usually the woman who cooks, but why don't you try encourage her in a not a very traditional way. YOU COOK!
    You mentioned a few times what would a non - muslim man do? I reckon if he doesn't care he would replace her for a new hot model. but if he cares, he will try and change her into that. A lot of non muslim men cook for their gfs as part of routine, they take turns. Since you are fit why don't you surprise her with a nice rich healthy meal every now and then that way you can introduce her to healthy recipes and show her that food can taste good in moderation. You stayed 9 years so you must love her and want to make it work, then do something that is taking it that one step further.
    Never underestimate the power of having someone believe in you. show her you believe in her, because even I can hear you are hopeless but you have to have Sabr.
    If nothing works, have you considered surgery? Gastric band? I am not sure which country you are in but in the UK they are covered under the NHS for people with obesity. I know surgery isn't the most ideal option but obesity has great dangers and you not being attracted to her is the least of them so that is something she should consider if she really finds it that hard to loose weight let alone maintain her current.

    I hope nothing I say offends you and Inshallah Allah makes it easy for you and your family.
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  18. brucelee786
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    Walakum asalam, thank you for sharing your story- it was nice. To answer some of your points, I actually sent her old sister an email to speak to her about her weight. Her sister looked the other way. My sister also spoke to her, and all my wife says to ANYONE is she will change and she is working on it- but every month/year, the weight only goes up. She now snores so we sleep apart, we do nothing as a couple- the first 2 years of marriage she wore silk PJs, lotion-ed her legs, etc. Now, she has calluses on feet, rough hands, her body totally neglected for over 8 years and counting. She has a pretty face, but what happens to anything if you do not maintenance?

    When she 'diets', I have cooked her foods. Simple things, but I am there by her side, and my whole family, to help her lose weight.

    You see the problem is- what do you do when the person with the problem can care less? I would make her a meal, and after we all sleep, she will come sneak food in the kitchen.

    I have spoken to her of the risks of obesity. She had a close family member die of breast cancer, and cancer cells multiply fast when your obese. She knows of all the health issues.

    I think divorce is hated in sight of God, or else I would consider it. Who knows what happens- how much longer can a person tolerate things? I am trying my best, but my youth, her youth, all going away before our eyes.

    I told her, Allah has given all of us such a small window for youth and to enjoy ourselves, and to please let us enjoy our marriage, have fun, go places, dress up for each other, etc., but she can care less. ALL humans have the majority of their lives to be a loser and not dress up, but youth is short.

    I told her just give me 2-3 years so it is out of my system, and she can then do anything she wants- still nothing. I told her all I want is progress. I get nothing. I wish like you, she would change before it is too late.. She just keeps thinking I will stick around, so she does nothing.
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  19. Precious Star
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    I would like to be completely honest with you.

    The way you speak of her -- essentially, lazy and fat, her family "eats like there's no tomorrow", she "lies" to you by promising to lose weight, she snores -- conveys an undertone of disrespect. You don't like her. Yes, it's probably not exciting to have a spouse who is overweight and does not lotion her legs. But throughout this thread, you have never spoken about her with a twinge of gentleness and admiration. I mean, she wears hijab, loves you, gave birth to your son. Did you choose to marry her because of her looks?

    My concern is that your actions and attitude at home probably reflect the tone of your posts. In other words, she probably picks up on your distaste toward her and toward her family. You mentioned earlier that you give her the cold shoulder and you are more distant. That is a horrible way to behave in a marriage. My father used to do that to my mother, and she would be sad and hopeless until he showed her some attention. Spouses are not supposed to give each other the cold shoulder, period -- regardless of their weight.

    Maybe, if YOU changed she will change.

    Also, and I know this is going t be hard for you to hear, but you need to hear it. Everyone works and cooks. I have a demanding job, and then I come home and I cook...or sometimes I'm so tired I go to bed without dinner. I often cook for my parents. I do my own laundry, and many times I go to my parents house and do their laundry. I take out my garbage. I drive my mother places. I give my mom money if she needs it. I expect nothing in return, and my parents never try to get me married. That is far more disappointing than having an overweight spouse. But such is life.
    Life is about self-sacrifice and hard work, brother. You need to grow up. You have a sense of entitlement that is very disturbing. Like your wife has a duty to be slim and pretty for you because you work all day, and oh-my-God you have to cook for yourself, poor thing. News flash: many people are in your boat.

    By this time, after 10 years of marriage, you should be looking beyond those things.

    I've been overweight my whole life, despite exercise and eating right. I'm not obese, but I'm not slim and pretty either. But there is so much more to me, as a human being, than the size of my hips.

    I know what I have just said is a big jolt to you, and my guess is that it will have very little impact on your thought process.

    We don't get what we want in this life. You need to ponder over that. We don't get what we want.
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  20. SERAHSI
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    Brother , whatever you are waiting from your wife try to get involved. She doesn't cook! Why don't you guys cook together. It will be fun. Hire someone once a month cleaning the house that way she can do basic cleaning weekly. Or help her cleaning. May Allah help you. May Allah c.c reward all brothers and sisters they give you great advices not give up. I know you are stressed out but don't ever give up. There is no such a thing like impossible. Pray together. Make her feel like she is the most precious women in the whole world. Give positive energy you will receive positive energy back insallah. Pls don't compare your wife with other women. If you do this your chance for success goes down. She is depressed brother help her for Allah. Every human being is unique. Your wife might have hormones problems related to weights. It makes her lazy, maybe that explains why she is sleeping with your kids. Take her to doctor for check up. I will pray for you guys...
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