My wife is so different- help

Discussion in 'Women, Family, and Marriage' started by brucelee786, May 14, 2014.

  1. Be_Real
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    Salaam Brother,

    I have been married for 29 years and I have been the Chairman of my community in my town and I have witnessed many broken marriages as well as successful marriages so I will give you some advice for whatever it is worth. However I will request the moderators of this site to delete whatever they may find inappropriate in my advice.

    First of all you are lucky to have such a wife !!!! Never once have you said that you have a nagging wife . Did you know that many marriages breakup because of nagging wives, who not only nag their husbands but are also abusive towards the husbands parents. How would you feel if you had a very beautiful wife, but one who would turn you against your mother and make you throw her out of your home. Brother I have seen that happen, you would of course get pleasure in this life but it would destroy your hereafter. So at least you are safe on this point. Secondly, your wife and yourself are also not promicious. I have seen couples breakup after the husband or the wife having an affair with someone else. Did you know that many beautiful women are not satisfied with only the admiration of their husbands but also like to display their beauty to strangers. Would you like to spend your life with such a wife? What kind of morals shall she teach your children?

    Regarding the laziness of your wife, maybe she was pampered and spoilt by her parents but once married it was the duty of your mother to have asked are to share the duties of making a good home. Many households have this problem of daughters in laws not doing their share of the work. You could tell your mother & wife to do the cooking every alternate day. Tell your wife, your mother is growing old and will not be around always to do the cooking or ask your mother in law to tell her.

    Regarding the beauty and body of your wife, Please STOP watching magazines containing photos of beautiful women such as cosmopolitan, as you will always be comparing your wife to other women and become depressed. I assure you many husbands would easily run after other women if they had the slightest chance, even if they had the most beautiful wife sitting at home, as the proverb says "The grass is always greener on the other side"!!! Instead nurture what you have, forget Hawaii or Australia, how about buying her sports shoes and taking her out for a 5km walk daily. Once her blood starts to flow she will become more health conscious and in time will look more after her body, ask your family doctor to threaten her with health consequences if she continues to put on weight, I have seen chain smokers give up the habit after being warned by doctors. But please don't expect that she will turn into Madonna overnight. Female bodies are different than males, childbirth really changes their bodies, it is how God made them and we should not blame them if they loose shape after they give birth. As long as she is health conscious , you should love her for what she is.

    Finally, you say she sleeps in a separate room after the birth of your child. Now I wonder why she has gone off sex with you. Have you ever tried to satisfy her sexually, she seems frustrated. A sexually frustrated woman has two options, either to seek sexual pleasure elsewhere or if she is a good muslim to forget her body and seek pleasure in bringing up her child, which is obviously what your wife is doing. I hope you are not the "Wham, Bam Thank you Ma'am" type of man. A real man has to make sure his wife is satisfied sexually before his own satisfaction. Try to forget your own sexual fantasies for a while and try satisfying your wife for a change. I am sure if you do that she will shift into your room in no time!. I would advise you to download the book "The Perfumed Garden" from the internet. Read it, it tells you what makes a woman tick.

    Please don't even think of leaving your wife, you will destroy the life of your good wife and your child also. Islam has given you the option of a second wife, but remember she will also get fat in a couple of years, so will you continue marrying wives? Don't take my advice negatively, look around you, there are many unhappy husbands with very beautiful wives.

    Best of luck, with the "Perfumed Garden".
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  2. Zaheera_265
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    the wrong women always end up with the wrong men ad vice versa
  3. MoBilal_786
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    Salaam alaikum wa rahmatullah,

    Firstly I would like to really applaud your patience. Verily God is with the patient ones. And I remember something a friend told me, the closer you get to God the more obstacles he presents to you. You are a great man and husband and your endurance of this struggle fascinates me.

    I am quite disappointed for those who have ask to look at the bright side and the positives of the wife, with all due respect, this relationship is not healthy at all and can lead to severe and dangerous consequences, no one is perfect, nobody knows how long your patience can survive.

    I acknowledge the pain you are going through sir, any man would want their wife to look elegant and present themselves beautifully. And I really respect your patience in the house work, very disappointing that she can't equally help out.

    My suggestion from your situation is to seek professional advice. The professionals I would seek if I were in your shoes are two; the first being a nutritionist, and the second being a counsellor. It seems there are some deep mental issues going on with the lady to not allow herself to progress and improve herself, especially for her husband as well as herself. She needs to be talked to and listened to, try to understand the root of the situation. Most of the time it is something from childhood that may trigger such behaviour, or an event during the 8 years that have led to such results.

    Good ways to start such conversations are the following:

    1. Ask her permission if you can speak to her. i.e. "Salaam, I want to talk to you for a bit, do you have time?"

    2. Be clear and ask questions, you want her to do a great deal of talking. i.e. "I want to ask you about your weight, I love you for who you are and you know that, but I feel that you seem to be upset with yourself and this really hurts me to see you like this, do you want to tell me what's bothering you?"

    Such a question would allow her to talk about other things which may indirectly influence her eating and health habits that she can open up to. Also when asking a question make it seem it is about her and not you.

    3. When she does open up, don't reply by saying you should've done this instead etc, I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, judging from your character you seem to be a good listener. So this is just listening, nod your head, listen, and ask further questions i.e. "So how did that make you feel?" "Do you still feel this affects you till today?"

    4. Ask if together, she would like some help and support, make the fault seem easy to correct, find any bridges and connect with those bridges so she feels safe and positive for change. i.e. "Do you feel that you'd like to get rid of these feelings and maybe find a way to change these habits, if I can help you would you like to do this together?"

    So I hope you get the idea, you can ask the questions in your own way, the above points are counselling techniques, the best counsellor would be you if you get her to open up. I understand it's not easy and you have gone through so much patience. Inshallah this can work out.

    Also a nutritionist is important, a nutritionist would analyse her weight, body type, metabolism etc. This will help change eating habits in a consistent and sustainable manner to achieve goals. Try and speak to her in the same counselling manner to convince her to get a nutritionist to help.

    I pray for you all the best brother, and inshallah you can update me on what has happened when you can.

    Peace
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  4. brucelee786
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    brucelee786 Junior Member

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    lol... i knew i would offend some of the women, especially if you have similar traits to my wife. I said in my original post, things LEAD up to me becoming distant and cold. I said ASIDE from weight, she does NOTHING else. I said tell me WHAT ARE THE RESPONSIBILITIES of a wife? Did you miss everything else and only see the part of BEAUTY?

    Now you said if I CHANGE maybe she will change? Did you read the part where I said ALL THE CHANGES so far have been from me? I pray 5 times, I left all my friends, I am always home in free time, I exercise and take care of myself, etc.

    I know when someone is obese they do not like to hear it. I know women who are obese and lazy and have a hard time losing weight will speak just how you did. It is typical. Let me ask you sister, do you think beauty is something only some men seek? Do you know Allah put woman #1 for a man? Before his property, before his children, before anything, it is woman. Please look it up. Here is what our holy prophet said: It was narrated on the authority of Abu Hurayrah [​IMG] that the Prophet, [​IMG] said: “A woman is married for four (reasons): her wealth, noble ancestry, beauty and religion. ”

    In heaven, men will get 72 houris (this is not sexual, but still Allah will give men 72 houris). Allah made man and knows mans desires. I got married to lower my gaze and go to my wife. I married a hijabi first and foremost, I married her because she was religious. She is pretty, but I DID chose religion. Do you know after my wife gained 70+lbs, everything for HER started to fall apart? She is slow. She misses prayers. She takes 1 hour to do something that should take 10 mins. So before you think you are about to let me have it, read all my posts and understand that I want a WIFE not a daughter.

    As for her family, me calling them obese and lazy is what? A terrible thing to say? In who's book is that so disrespectful?

    Everyone has a boiling point. Mine didn't happen overnight. I tried love, i tried anger, i tried avoiding her, i tried speak to her sister, etc. Nothing works... Tell me this, if I quit my work, do not provide for my family HOW A MAN IS SUPPOSED TO BY THE BOOKS, and just gain weight and watch TV all day and avoid the handywork in the home, how would you rate me?
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  5. brucelee786
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    Brother, she sleeps in my childs room because she snores.. It isn't because she wants to. Read my posts.
  6. Precious Star
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    Brother,

    Speaking the way you are is very rude. If you take the time to get aquinted to this forum, no one on this forum speaks to another forum member in capital letters. No one, including men who are dissatisfied with their wives. Please adjust your tone and address everyone on this forum in a respectful manner that befits a man who has been blessed by Allah SWT with a wife, child, and mother.

    I think you likely speak to your wife in the same manner. That is my guess, judging from your belligerent tone above. And if you are also giving her the cold shoulder, refusing to sleep with her, and calling her fat, then my guess is that this marriage is doomed.

    The only thing you got out of my post was that I am "just like your wife". By the way, I am not lazy. If you chose to read my post carefully, you will see that I work from 8 am to 8 pm at night every day, at my job, at my parents' home, and at my own home. During that time, I also cook for myself, do my own laundry, pay my own bills, read my salaat, and when I get the chance I exercise 3-4 times per week.

    So no, I don't think I am like your wife. But that doesn't mean that your wife is not a lovely person. In all likelihood, you are probably a lot more lazier than I am, judging from what you have said.

    I think you need to consider carefully whether you are obeying Allah by satisfying your wife's sexual needs. There is no "snoring" exception in Islam that allows you to separate from her. I am sorry to tell you that, but it is true.

    You need to stop putting yourself on a pedestal and throwing around accusations at people who disagree with you. Arrogance is the greatest sin -- far more sinful than being overweight.

    Best of luck to you. And to her.
  7. brucelee786
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    brucelee786 Junior Member

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    Were there caps in your post or just mine? It takes 2 to tango. You need to stop getting defensive and thinking all women are innocent and all men are dogs.
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  8. brucelee786
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    my wife and i agreed to therapy. Thank you all for suggestions. Please pray for us. Salaam
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  9. Norii
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    Alhamdulillah! may Allah help you I hope therapy goes well and Inshallah your wife find the courage to loose the extra weight!
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  10. SERAHSI
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    I believe you owe an apology for your wife. See she accepted therapy it means she is not that lazy. :)
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  11. SonOfAdam
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    Couples have been through much worse and are still together and in love more than ever before, so don't give up hope inshallah. Glad to see you guys are seeking professional help, inshallah things will start improving quickly for her.
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  12. Sassymalak
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    asailium ailikum wa rahmatu'allah dear brother ... My heart goes out to you and your wife .. A year or two before I embraced Islam I was in a marriage where my husband and I lived as roommates for over 7 years. All intimacy had vanished between us and I blamed myself because I was over weight .. even though two times within that time I had lost 100 pounds and looked good but nothing changed so both times I just started to eat again and gained back all the weight plus some. I did dress nice even though I was obese .. I tried to look my best but in my heart and soul I felt I was "nothing" and I felt like an old used up piece of furniture one keeps but no longer uses or cares about but is there. I gave up and turned to food for "comfort and pleasure" and the sad day came when I realized I was eating myself into an early grave and didn't even care. I cried out to Our God (I was a Christian at this time) and asked once again .. "What do I do??" .. "Where do You want me to be?" I ask Him to stop the world and let me get off!!" Well little did I know what He had in store for me when I heard Him say to me in my heart.. "I have more for you to do .. you are not done yet." These same words came again to me one month later and then I became friends with a Muslim ... this person helped me to start to believe in my self worth again by tellling me that God does not make mistakes and he looks at our hearts and not our outward appearance but that he does want us to keep our bodies healthy. So I joined a gym started eating healthy and started losing weight and regaining some much needed self respect and dignity. I reevaluated my life and realized that the situation I was in was not going to get better and if I stayed I was going to die. During this time and for several years prior I had been questioning my Christian faith also .. so because of this precious new person in my life I was able to ask about Islam and every thing I read made sense to me. I knew I had to leave my marriage so filed for divorce and all my family disowned me due to my embracing Islam but Allah gave me a comfort within my heart through all this .. I met a Muslim man from Egypt and we became friends and he invited me to come and be his wife and he would help me learn about my new faith. Yes sounds crazy .. I was accused of that by family members but I KNEW I HAD TO GO AND I KNEW THAT OUR GOD ALLAH WAS GUIDING ME TO WHERE HE WANTED ME TO BE AND WHAT HE WANTED ME TO DO. This is long I know but my point in explaining is that you and your wife are so blessed to already be Muslims and by following the guidelines from the Quran and Sunnah for troubled marriages and your faith in Allah you have a chance to really "START OVER AND RESPECT AND HONOR THAT LOVE THAT ONLY ALLAH CAN PUT BETWEEN THE HEARTS" of a husband and wife. She needs to know her self worth ... Allah has the answers and our beloved Prophet (saw) has set examples for us to follow .. I will pray for you both and insha'allah she will first before losing any weight start praying on time and you need to let her family know she wants to get healthy and that the food in the house needs to be healthy .. maybe this would encourage her family to to want to eat better too .. Step by easy step .. but please brother if you have any love or caring left in your heart for her .. don't give up on her .. she does it seems love you .. she just doesn't quit know how to get and stay started on a healthy life style change .. its very difficult in the beginning... but remember that Allah will NEVER GIVE US MORE THAN WE CAN HANDLE. ahamdulillah .. Brother keep asking Allah to see the "good things about her" and to be thankful for them.. and please tell her that Allah loves her and wants her to come to Him in sincere repentence so He can bless her with His Mercy and Grace and Forgivness to help her get healthy both physically and spiritually. Since coming to Egypt and fully embracing Islay I have ahamdulillah lost 175 pounds and eat healthy and because my relationship with my God is finally with the "TRUTH IN ISLAM" I have a renewed vigor for life not just in this world but for the next ahamdulillah..and Allah bless me with a wonderful Muslim husband. asailium ailikum your sister Malak
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  13. suhel_918
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    VIRTUE OF PATIENCE :arab1:

    Praise be to Allaah.
    Allaah has made patience like a horse that never gets tired, an army that can never be defeated and a strong fortress that can never be breached. Patience and victory are twin brothers, for victory comes with patience, relief comes with distress and ease comes with hardship. Patience is of more help to the one who has it than men, as it helps without any need for equipment or numbers and its relationship to victory is like that of the head to the body.

    In the Qur’aan, Allaah has guaranteed those who are patient that He will give them reward without measure.

    He tells them that He is with them by guiding and supporting them and granting them a clear victory. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Surely, Allaah is with those who are As‑Saabiroon (the patient)”

    [al-Anfaal 6:46]

    Allaah has made leadership in terms of religion conditional upon patience and certain faith, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And We made from among them (Children of Israel), leaders, giving guidance under Our Command, when they were patient and used to believe with certainty in Our Ayaat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.)”

    [al-Sajdah 32:34]

    Allaah tells us that patience is better for those who are patient, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “But if you endure patiently, verily, it is better for As‑Saabiroon (the patient)”

    [al-Nahl 16:126]

    Allaah tells us if we are patient and pious, the plot of the enemy cannot do any harm, even if he is powerful, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “But if you remain patient and become Al-Muttaqoon (the pious), not the least harm will their cunning do to you. Surely, Allaah surrounds all that they do”

    [Aal ‘Imraan 3:120]

    Allaah tells us that the patience and piety of his Prophet Yoosuf brought him to a position of power and strength, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Verily, he who fears Allaah with obedience to Him (by abstaining from sins and evil deeds, and by performing righteous good deeds), and is patient, then surely, Allaah makes not the reward of the Muhsinoon (good‑doers) to be lost”

    [Yoosuf 12:90]

    Allaah has connected success to patience and piety, and the believers understand that. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “O you who believe! Endure and be more patient (than your enemy), and guard your territory by stationing army units permanently at the places from where the enemy can attack you, and fear Allaah, so that you may be successful”

    [Aal ‘Imraan 3:200]

    Allaah tells us that He loves those who are patient, and that is the greatest encouragement. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And Allaah loves As-Saabiroon (the patient)”

    [Aal ‘Imraan 3:146]

    Allaah has given glad tidings of three things to those who are patient, each of which is better than that for which the people of this world envy one another. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “but give glad tidings to As‑ Saabiroon (the patient).

    156. Who, when afflicted with calamity, say: ‘Truly, to Allaah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.’

    157. They are those on whom are the Salawaat (i.e. who are blessed and will be forgiven) from their Lord, and (they are those who) receive His Mercy, and it is they who are the guided ones”

    [al-Baqarah 2:155-157]

    Allaah exhorts His slaves to seek help with patience and prayer when facing calamities that may befall a person. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And seek help in patience and As-Salaah (the prayer) and truly, it is extremely heavy and hard except for Al-Khaashi‘oon [i.e. the true believers in Allaah — those who obey Allaah with full submission, fear much from His punishment, and believe in His Promise (Paradise) and in His Warnings (Hell)]”
    [al-Baqarah 2:54]


    Allaah states that the victory of attaining Paradise and being saved from Hell will be won only by those who are patient, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Verily, I have rewarded them this Day for their patience; they are indeed the ones that are successful”

    [al-Mu’minoon 23:111]

    Allaah tells us that the desire to earn His reward and to turn away from this world and its adornments is attained only by those who are patient and are believers. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “But those who had been given (religious) knowledge said: “Woe to you! The reward of Allaah (in the Hereafter) is better for those who believe and do righteous good deeds, and this none shall attain except those who are As‑Saabiroon (the patient in following the truth)”

    [al-Qasas 28:80]

    Allaah tells us that repelling evil with that which is better makes the evildoer become like a close friend. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “The good deed and the evil deed cannot be equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allaah orders the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly) then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend”

    [Fussilat 41:34]

    But this is something that “none is granted it (the above quality) except those who are patient — and none is granted it except the owner of the great portion (of happiness in the Hereafter, i.e., Paradise and of a high moral character) in this world” [Fussilat 41:35].

    Allaah tells us, and reinforces it with an oath, (interpretation of the meaning):

    “By Al‑‘Asr (the time).

    2. Verily, man is in loss,

    3. Except those who believe (in Islamic Monotheism) and do righteous good deeds, and recommend one another to the truth [i.e. order one another to perform all kinds of good deeds (Al‑Ma‘roof) which Allaah has ordained, and abstain from all kinds of sins and evil deeds (Al‑Munkar) which Allaah has forbidden], and recommend one another to patience (for the sufferings, harms, and injuries which one may encounter in Allaah’s Cause during preaching His religion of Islamic Monotheism or Jihad)”

    [al-‘Asr 103]

    Allaah will divide His creation into two categories: those who are on the right hand and those who are on the left hand (cf. al-Waaqi’ah 56:8ff); those who are on the right hand are those who recommend one another to patience and mercy.

    Allaah has chosen the people of patience and gratitude to benefit from His signs and be distinguished by this great good fortune. He says in four places in His Book (interpretation of the meaning):

    “Truly, therein are Ayaat (evidences, proofs and signs) for every patient, thankful (person)”

    [Ibraahem 14:5; Luqmaan 31:31; Saba 24:19; al-Shoora 42:33]

    Allaah has made forgiveness and reward conditional upon doing righteous deeds and being patient, and that is easy for the one for whom He makes it easy. Allaah says:

    “Except those who show patience and do righteous good deeds: those, theirs will be forgiveness and a great reward (Paradise)”

    [Hood 11:11]

    Allaah tells us that patience and forgiveness are among the things recommended by Allaah and those who pay heed to this will never lose, as He says (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And verily, whosoever shows patience and forgives, that would truly be from the things recommended by Allaah”

    [al-Shoora 42:34]

    Allaah commanded His Messenger to wait patiently for His Decision, and told him that his patience is not but from Him, and by virtue of patience all calamities become easy, as He said (interpretation of the meaning):

    “So wait patiently (O Muhammad) for the Decision of your Lord, for verily, you are under Our Eyes”

    [al-Toor 52:48]

    And He said (interpretation of the meaning):

    “And endure you patiently (O Muhammad), your patience is not but from Allaah. And grieve not over them (polytheists and pagans), and be not distressed because of what they plot.

    128. Truly, Allaah is with those who fear Him (keep their duty unto Him), and those who are Muhsinoon (good‑doers)”

    [al-Nahl 16:127]

    Patience is the foundation of the believer’s faith which has no other foundation. The one who has no patience has no faith, and if he has any, then it is only a little faith and it is very weak, and such a person worships Allaah as it were upon the edge (i.e. in doubt): if good befalls him, he is content therewith; but if a trial befalls him he turns back on his face (i.e. reverts to disbelief after embracing Islam). He loses both this world and the Hereafter (cf. al-Hajj 22:11). All he gets from them is a losing deal.

    The best life is attained by the blessed through patience, and they rise to the highest degrees through their gratitude. So they fly on the wings of patience and gratitude to gardens of delight (i.e., Paradise). That is the bounty of Allaah that He bestows upon whomsoever He will, and Allaah is the Owner of Great Bounty. End quote from ‘Uddat al-Saabireen by Ibn al-Qayyim, p. 3-5.

    With regard to the ahaadeeth which speak of the virtue of patience, they include the following:

    Al-Bukhaari (1496) and Muslim (1053) narrated that Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “…whoever is patient Allaah will bestow patience upon him, and no one is ever given anything better and more generous than patience.” And Muslim (918) narrated that Umm Salamah (may Allaah be pleased with her) said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (S) say: “There is no Muslim who is stricken with a calamity and says what Allaah has enjoined – ‘Verily to Allaah we belong and unto Him is our return. O Allaah, reward me for my affliction and compensate me with something better’ – but Allaah will compensate him with something better.”

    And Muslim (2999) narrated that Suhayb (may Allaah be pleased with him)said: The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affairs are all good, and this applies to no one but the believer. If something good happens to him, he is thankful for it and that is good for him. If something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience and that is good for him.”

    For more ahaadeeth about the virtue of patience and exhortation to be patient, please see al-Targheeb wa’l-Tarheeb by al-Mundhiri (4/274-302).

    ‘Umar ibn ‘Abd al-‘Azeez (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: Allaah has not bestowed any blessing upon His slaves then taken it away and replaced it with patience, but what He has compensated them with is better than what He has taken away.

    And Allaah knows best.
    :dua:
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