Preparing for The Realities of Marriage

[abubaseer]

it is not OK...

 

[summertime]

i really dont want to anymore

 

[um_mustafa]

is it ok to not marry???

Salams Sister , it is sunnah to get married and it fulfills half of our religion,
we can rely and make dua'a to Allah talaa' to give us a good religious life partner inshallah .
Inshallah Allah talaa' will help us to make the right choices in our lives,
w/salams:tti_sister:

 

[MuslimUmma22]

:salam2: my dear brothers and sisters of islam that was beautiful post reminders to think two twice before you commit and to make sure the one we are committing with see eye with us may allah help us all come back to sunnah and quran.. i had question in regards to marriage as muslim sister i always thought about getting married...i asked myself those same questions i meet great brother whom my family approve and just love alhamdullah the only thing is that he recently been in accident and therefore we postponed our wedding plans.. that gave some time to ask my self those questions again about my values in life my goals.. one my goals in life to move to a muslim country and raise my children there.. i have discovered that he wants to move to muslim country but not one i want to..and not as soon i want to the only thing that worries me about having children in the west is that you feel like you have wait and you get so caught up in there educations and coming sure they don;t miss out that you become crazy which is one the reason why i want to get married in muslim country and have my children in muslim country.. don't get me wrong i know being a muslim country doesn;t garuantee my children will be a rightous children but i know there more of chance there then here in north america...anway my question is if iam reconsidering not marry this man..i am know iam breaking my promise but i don't want to change my life goals for him so please advise a sister may allah reward you all and may allah make you all successful in duniya and akhira amiin yaa rabi

 

[fma6]

Confused

i really dont want to anymore

The more I read this the more I feel like you...I am starting to be afraid of marriage now...Alhamdolilah I have complete faith and trust in Allah, but all these stories are making me want to hide in a corner and disappear.

I have always dreamed of marriage with someone from another culture, but Muslim of course. Parents have come in the way of this dream, other people haven meddled with this issue and it is not their business to begin with, and now real life stories that are not so-positive sounding((

 

[summertime]

yeh i know..ive been put off...i always wanted to marry into a different culture aswell...wanted to mix up the world a bit lol....but know i feel i just dont want to....isnt it possible to just stay this way...im happy and i dont wanna cause any trouble in my life alhamdulilah

 

[fma6]

LOL!
No sister it is not possible to stay this way....Marriage is an essential part of Islam....It completes have your Deen...and who knows inshAllah maybe our children could be pious leaders.....a very much needed thing in our corrupted world....and remember...the saying...behind every great one there is a great Mother.....

I know exactly how you feel....but inshAllah The right one will come....we just have to get rid of the "prince charming" and issue-free marriage mentality.....There will be problems, it is part of life...The difference will be how you deal with it.

dont lose hope sis!

 

[massi]

:salam2:
it's very simple get married with your background man/woman muslim

 

[um_mustafa]

very good advice

 

[fma6]

I wish it were that simple.

 

[summertime]

i know this is really weird but i just think i wont be happy...i get irritated and annoyed really quickly...so why not live a hassle free life?? yeh i know im wrong but its how i feel these days...

 

[aasim_1]

SOME 1 PLZ HELP

Salam

2 points from me...

While the general American population has the world's highest divorce rate, 48.6 percent, Muslims in the United States come in not too far behind at 33 percent. One in three Muslims marriage here will end in divorce- not surprising considering we are living in a "divorce culture" where independence and individual happiness often come first.

Unfortunately, Kuwait is at 53% of marriages ending in divorce (I think part of the reason is that the Kuwait government gives a lot of money to Kuwaitis when they get married, so many young people get married, take the money, and get divorced. The reason I think that is because of the number of marriages that do not even last a year and produce no children, yet they still get the money - it is like $20,000 they get) - and Kuwait is basically a Muslim country. :-( You can blame the west all you want, but Kuwait isn't in the west - they are doing this themselves.




POint 2 - about interracial marriages (I am in one):

I think it was rightly said that it is a combination of things - was it DianeK who said that if the couple was interracial but grew up in the same culture or faith it seems easier? I totally agree with that. Every step of difference between the spouses will make the marriage more difficult. And it seems to be the small things that make life more difficult. ONe story - my husband's sister recently had a baby boy (little Mohammad is so cute, Masha'Allah!) - I knit hand-made baby blankets. I said I will make one for little Mohammad as a baby gift. He was like NO YOU CAN'T DO THAT - it would look like we were not able to afford to get her a "real" gift (he got her a gold bracelet)! I was very confused because where I am from in the US, hand-made gifts are the most cherished. SO I am making the blanket and will just give it to her on some random day.

Same thing with my baked goods - I make delicious baked goods, but I can only take them when we go to my "western" friends - he won't let me bring home-made goods to his family homes, because "it just isn't done!".

This is just a small, tiny example, but it is a difference between us that ocassionally makes us crabby with each other!

Also, I DID move to Kuwait and accept a lot of the culture before I even met my husband in person (long story there for some other time!), so some of the "Kuwaiti" things, I already knew about, and if I did not accept some things, I was at least aware of them. And I had read up a whole bunch about Islam before moving to a Muslim country too, so I had that background knowledge (I am a voracious reader - does anyone on here have an Amazon Kindle? I am getting one this summer!)

But most days, the biggest problem my husband and I have is that we are both a bit lazy and getting a bit chubby - but at least we are sharing that experience! LOL!

Lana

plz help me...
temme i m an indian(male) plannig to marry a western reverts female...
wi ll it work plz reply....

 

[rtbour]

I have come to a realization on the whole mixed-culture marriage thing. It's not about where you are from. It's about how closely you follow Islam. If you AND your husband/wife are living based upon Allah's rules, there will not be a problem of culture. The reason for this is that the woman will do everything she can to make her husband happy, while being happy inside herself, and following the rules of conduct listed in the Qur'an. The husband will also be following Allah's rules, and will be sensitive to the needs of his wife and patient and understanding with her. If you have a wife who is always trying to please her husband, and a husband who is sensitive, kind, and forgiving, then any problems your marriage might encounter can and WILL be resolved. When you let culture (Arab or American or European or whatever) dictate your behavior, instead of Allah and his Book, your marriage will fail- or at least be verrrrrry difficult.

 

[dianek]

I have come to a realization on the whole mixed-culture marriage thing. It's not about where you are from. It's about how closely you follow Islam. If you AND your husband/wife are living based upon Allah's rules, there will not be a problem of culture. The reason for this is that the woman will do everything she can to make her husband happy, while being happy inside herself, and following the rules of conduct listed in the Qur'an. The husband will also be following Allah's rules, and will be sensitive to the needs of his wife and patient and understanding with her. If you have a wife who is always trying to please her husband, and a husband who is sensitive, kind, and forgiving, then any problems your marriage might encounter can and WILL be resolved. When you let culture (Arab or American or European or whatever) dictate your behavior, instead of Allah and his Book, your marriage will fail- or at least be verrrrrry difficult.

Why do men really think that doing housework for and going out of woman's way to PLEASE her husband makes her one bit happy?????????? What makes a woman happy is a man who shares responsibilities, understands her and gives to her every bit as much as she gives to him.....respects when she just wants to be alone and vice versa. ESPECIALLY with intercultural marriages...When a man from another country is used to being catered to and waiting on by his mother, spitting orange seeds on the house floor, dropping its peel all over, leaving their stuff wherever they please, you can believe an American woman is going to be resentful and fit to be tied.....but you must think that a woman should be happy inside to clean up after the grown child. Let me tell you it breeds resentment and anger.......which reflects in the way she will treat her husband. Both partners have to give and equally and share in chores equally.....especially in a society where the wife is out working just as much IF NOT MORE than her husband. And YES, this is a cultural thing! What is important in hygiene and cleanliness doesn't mean anything to the other.

 

[Mahzala]

yeh i know..ive been put off...i always wanted to marry into a different culture aswell...wanted to mix up the world a bit lol....but know i feel i just dont want to....isnt it possible to just stay this way...im happy and i dont wanna cause any trouble in my life alhamdulilah

Assalamualaikum



Dear Sister, I would like to begin by agreeing to what the other Brothers and Sisters said about implementing Islam in your life and putting culture second.

I, myself, am not married. But, I have certainly seen many marriages, what breaks them and what has held them together for many many years.

You shoulnt be put off by people's stories. What people may be expriencing is not what you might experience. People's stories should be an example for you, not a put off. You should learn from their examples and mistakes and either implement them in your life, or avoid them.

The main thing in marriage or in any dealings where there is a second person involved, is sacrifice. As a woman, who might have spent her life before marriage doing things that please her, after marriage, she should come to the stage where she does everything, solely for her partners happiness. If she does something for her husband, she should not have to remind him over and over that she has did it for him. Men get irritated and are very sensitive. It shouldnt get to the point where everything we do tests our husbands patience.

I hope I have not offended or upset you in anyway.

Assalamualaikum

 

[a_brother]

:salam2:

cheer up brothers and sisters, marriage is a good thing that's why our prophet (SAW) encouraged us to get married or else he would have not... this is a nice story...

:salam2:

A Mistake Worth its Weight in Gold

From the Original Arabic Piece by Adel bin Muhammad al-Abdul 'Aalee
Translated by Abu Dujanah
​

One of the Salaf entered a field, hungry and tired, so he wanted to eat, and his stomach was 'rumbling'. He saw an apple tree, and picked an apple to eat. He ate half of it under the protection of Allah, then he drank from the river near the field. After that, he suddenly realised that he was not aware of what he did due to his hunger, and thought to himself: Woe to you! How can you eat someone else's provision without permission. In remorse he was determined not to leave the place until he found the owner of the garden, and confess to him that he had eaten his provision without his permission. He looked around and saw a house and went up to the door and knocked on it.
The owner came out and asked him what he wanted.

The Salaf said: "I was hungry and entered your garden and took this apple and ate half of it, then I remembered it was not mine, and I came to beg you to forgive me for this mistake."
The man replied, "I will not forgive you except on one condition?"
So the Salaf asked (and he is Thaabit bin Nu'maan), "What is your condition?"
The owner of the garden said: "I want you to marry my daughter."
The honourable Salaf without hesitation said: "yes, I will marry her". The father of the girl then said: "I want you to know that my daughter is blind and cannot see, dumb and cannot speak, deaf and cannot hear."

The revelation shocked Thaabit bin Nu'maan and thoughts flashed through his mind - what a disaster - what's he going to do? Then he remembered that the trials and tribulation he has to endure by accepting this woman as his wife, and taking care of her and serving her is better for him than to eat the food (sadeed) of hellfire due to the fact that he had eaten the apple without permission. He also realised that if he did not make amends, his days in the dunya are numbered. So he promised to marry the girl, and prayed for forgiveness and reward from Allah, the Lord of the Worlds.

The day of marriage came, and the man was nervous and very worried: "How will I enter upon a woman who does not speak, see, or hear?!" What a dilemma, and he wished the earth would swallow him before that happened ( i.e. going the wedding ceremony), but he remembered Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala and said: "Laa Hawla wa laa quwata illa billah, wa inna lilah wa inna ilayhi raji'oon." He went off to the wedding ceremony and when he arrived, his future bride stood up and greeted him, saying, "Assalamu 'alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu."

When he saw her, it took his breath away and remembered what he had imagined of the hoor il-'ayn in paradise. Gaining his composure, he blurted out: "What is this? So you speak, see, and hear." Thaabit bin Nu'maan then informed her what her father had to told him.

She gave him the most beautiful smile and said: "My father spoke the truth and he didn't lie."

"But why did he tell me things about you which are untrue?
She replied, "My father said I am dumb, because I have never said a word which displeases Allah, nor have I ever spoken to a man whom it is not permissable to speak to. [He said] I am deaf, because I have never sat it in a place where malicious backbiting, gossip or tale-telling takes place. [He said] I am blind because I have never looked at a man who was not permissable for me to look."

So ponder how Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala united this pious woman to this pious man.!!

 

[dianek]

Assalamualaikum



Dear Sister, I would like to begin by agreeing to what the other Brothers and Sisters said about implementing Islam in your life and putting culture second.

I, myself, am not married. But, I have certainly seen many marriages, what breaks them and what has held them together for many many years.

You shoulnt be put off by people's stories. What people may be expriencing is not what you might experience. People's stories should be an example for you, not a put off. You should learn from their examples and mistakes and either implement them in your life, or avoid them.

The main thing in marriage or in any dealings where there is a second person involved, is sacrifice. As a woman, who might have spent her life before marriage doing things that please her, after marriage, she should come to the stage where she does everything, solely for her partners happiness. If she does something for her husband, she should not have to remind him over and over that she has did it for him. Men get irritated and are very sensitive. It shouldnt get to the point where everything we do tests our husbands patience.

I hope I have not offended or upset you in anyway.

Assalamualaikum

No rather you should sit back and let them take advantage of all your work and "pleasing" nature.......EQUAL EQUAL EQUAL division of work and chores....and I am sorry, I know of NO women who think that their whole worth and happiness is wrapped up in SERVING their husband.....Just as no man gets pleasure and happiness out of catering and trying to live to "please" his wife......you can't sacrifice and sacrifice and not receive back otherwise resentment WILL happen and especially for those of you who are in arranged marriages, why would you want to please a man you didn't chose for yourself? All this selfless female crap is bull, women, you can't tell me that you never feel overlooked or unappreciated. Just admit to it.....and for western women married to foreign men you KNOW it is not easy to handle their habits around the house and the fact that usually they know NOTHING about cars or tools or yardwork.........they lack the knowledge and skills our fathers had and that drives me NUTS!

 

[a_brother]

No rather you should sit back and let them take advantage of all your work and "pleasing" nature.......EQUAL EQUAL EQUAL division of work and chores....and I am sorry, I know of NO women who think that their whole worth and happiness is wrapped up in SERVING their husband.....Just as no man gets pleasure and happiness out of catering and trying to live to "please" his wife......you can't sacrifice and sacrifice and not receive back otherwise resentment WILL happen and especially for those of you who are in arranged marriages, why would you want to please a man you didn't chose for yourself? All this selfless female crap is bull, women, you can't tell me that you never feel overlooked or unappreciated. Just admit to it.....and for western women married to foreign men you KNOW it is not easy to handle their habits around the house and the fact that usually they know NOTHING about cars or tools or yardwork.........they lack the knowledge and skills our fathers had and that drives me NUTS!

:salam2: sister dianek

you sound like you are talking about your own experience... you can't generalize to all.... in general, when either of the partners show care and try to please the other, the other partner would respond in a similar matter... no doubt, there are "bad husbands and wifes"... lets keep looking at the big picture, this whole life is a test... our wife/husband/kids/etc can be a test for us... one would need to practice patience, and those are the winners
Salam

 

[um_mustafa]

:salam2: sister dianek

you sound like you are talking about your own experience... you can't generalize to all.... in general, when either of the partners show care and try to please the other, the other partner would respond in a similar matter... no doubt, there are "bad husbands and wifes"... lets keep looking at the big picture, this whole life is a test... our wife/husband/kids/etc can be a test for us... one would need to practice patience, and those are the winners
Salam

Salams yes I agree with you and I think the main thing is to base your marriage and on Islamic values and practice not cultural, we can love each other for the sake of Allah and inshallah life will be smoother, of course there are always differences as our life is a trial.

 

[rtbour]

No rather you should sit back and let them take advantage of all your work and "pleasing" nature.......EQUAL EQUAL EQUAL division of work and chores....and I am sorry, I know of NO women who think that their whole worth and happiness is wrapped up in SERVING their husband.....Just as no man gets pleasure and happiness out of catering and trying to live to "please" his wife......you can't sacrifice and sacrifice and not receive back otherwise resentment WILL happen and especially for those of you who are in arranged marriages, why would you want to please a man you didn't chose for yourself? All this selfless female crap is bull, women, you can't tell me that you never feel overlooked or unappreciated. Just admit to it.....and for western women married to foreign men you KNOW it is not easy to handle their habits around the house and the fact that usually they know NOTHING about cars or tools or yardwork.........they lack the knowledge and skills our fathers had and that drives me NUTS!

I completely understand where you are coming from. It does breed resentment. You and I think the same way about this issue. That is why I said the thing about putting islam first. If your husband doesn't put Islam first, then it doesn't matter if you do put it first, because your marriage will still suffer. It's a 2-way street. It's not easy to do, but we all (MEN INCLUDED) have to try. And when I said that, I didn't mean that you were in the wrong with being resentful. NOT AT ALL. Believe me, I go through the same things with my husband. AllahuAkbar! my husband has been improving. He now knows it is unacceptable for him to threaten physical violence, threaten to leave me, grab me, scream at me, etc. That has been a long, hard road though. I am blessed that my husband has a little bit of an open mind. I have crammed as much "free-thinking woman" stuff as i can through that tiny opening. Only some of it stuck, but i won't stop trying until I get it all. Where is your husband from? I try to talk about Islam and the actions of the Prophet to show my husband when he is doing something wrong. Maybe you have tried that, too, and it doesn't work. I dont know. Some men really are abusive (physically, verbally- doesn't matter how they abuse bc it's ALL BAD), regardless of their religion or culture, and they can't change. In that case you have to look at what's best for your health (including mental health) and that of your child/children. i wish you the best though. Allah will take care of you. Oh- and dont forget this:
Muhammad, upon him be peace and blessings, was extremely merciful toward all the creatures of God (taken from http://www.thewaytotruth.org/prophetmuhammad/following.html because we love sources on this website!).
And "The Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) was reported to have said: 'The most perfect Muslim in the matter of faith is one who has excellent behavior; and the best among you are those who behave best towards their wives" (From Mishkat al-Masabih, No. 0278® Transmitted by Tirmidhi)." check out the article i got this from- it's nice: http://discuss.riseforislam.com/index.php?showtopic=469.