second marriage

[pariah]

:salam2: brothers and sisters,

i would like to discuss the topic of polygamie...

i ve been really happy with my husband but now he told me that he has contact with a girl (only on internet) who he wanted to marry before he got married to me..but for some reasons he didnt as his parents wouldnt accept it..so he decided to marry someone his parents would accept.. and he realised that he loves the two of us and is thinking of getting married to her aswell... he gave me the option to re-consider if i can live with it...if not i could leave him.. but he would be hurt if i did...
he takes good care of me and i know he has the right to get married more than once... but there is no fault in me..im doing everything to my best ability to be a good wife and always do what he wishes...and he told me the same that its his fault but he cant leave that other woman..and that he cant see that she will end up alone because she already agreed to become his second wife and dont want to marry someone else...
what could i do in such a situation? accept it?
is it halal for him to get married just because he has feelings for her aswell although he got a wife who takes care of him and doesnt disappoint him (or atleast try not to)... i mean if i was not able to get children or would disobey him or he wouldnt be satisfied with me then i could accept his decision..but right now i just feel helpless... because everytime we talk about this topic he says that Allah gave him this right of second marriage and i should accept it if he can take care of both of us equally... and i cant say anything to him...

 

[zbhotto]

If your husband don't have two separate houses or will not be able to afford two separate houses, I recommend you to think twice?

 

[pariah]

well he says that he will get us seperate houses and treat us equally... but the question is if he can go for this without having a good reason..as he is not responsible for this na-mahram girl and it was his own fault that he didnt try to convince his parents to get married to her in first place..and now i should accept it? and i dont want to leave him...
thats why im asking if i can give him islamically a good reason not to go for this or should i accept it the way it is...and accept her aswell?

 

[revert2007]

whe the prophet married more wives,there were solid reasons for every wives that he got married.he wants to honor the women who have lost their husbands and one of the wife was a slave.

so in ur situation,ur husband just have "too much love " to give a way.if u dont accept this,u might loose him forever.
what do u think?share him and still have him with u or loose him forever to their other woman?

it reminds of one of the malay drama in malaysia where the husband wanna marry more than 1.what the first wife did was,she asked him to bring the woman to the house and allow her to stay in the house for 1 week.the husband stay somewhere else for this 1 week.the first wife will see how good muslim woman is this woman that he is gonna marry.if the first wife things she is a good solehah woman who can take the husband to jannah,she will allow him to marry.but if she is just a muslim woman by name,she will never allow her husband to marry coz
"she loves her husband so much and she doesnt want her husband to end up in hell"

it might give u some idea.just think wisely and ask help from Allah.
if u could bear this and accept this,u are one great woman.
but all woman no matter how many times we pray and how many times we read quran...it is difficult to share the man that we love.
plz ask Allah to give u the strength to handle this situation.

no matter what happen...do not loose ur husband.
u must have separate house.both wives cannot live in the same house.
just remember that,dunya is not forever and the eternal happiness is in jannah.and Allah is there all the time waiting for us to ask His help.
plz make dua for ur husband to change his mind if possible.

 

[revert2007]

ur profile says that ur a male

 

[zbhotto]

Your husband has no right to contact with girl after having married with you. If he contacted with the girl in internet He committed a major sin. He cannot pressure you to accept second marriage after having being involved with a non-mahram which is a major sin. It is absolutely your husband fault to continue his previous haram relation with that girl.

A person can contact only after he decided to marry a second wife and the contact must be limited with the guardian of the girl.
He cannot decide about second marriage after contacting with nonmahram. This is a major sin as simple as that.

Ask you husband to fear ALLAH (SWT). Islam has given right to marry second wife but absolutely ISLAM has strictly forbidden what your husband had done before and after marrying you.

Now you sister have to decide. May ALLAH (SWT) give you a way out of this.

 

[pariah]

whe the prophet married more wives,there were solid reasons for every wives that he got married.he wants to honor the women who have lost their husbands and one of the wife was a slave.

so in ur situation,ur husband just have "too much love " to give a way.if u dont accept this,u might loose him forever.
what do u think?share him and still have him with u or loose him forever to their other woman?

it reminds of one of the malay drama in malaysia where the husband wanna marry more than 1.what the first wife did was,she asked him to bring the woman to the house and allow her to stay in the house for 1 week.the husband stay somewhere else for this 1 week.the first wife will see how good muslim woman is this woman that he is gonna marry.if the first wife things she is a good solehah woman who can take the husband to jannah,she will allow him to marry.but if she is just a muslim woman by name,she will never allow her husband to marry coz
"she loves her husband so much and she doesnt want her husband to end up in hell"

it might give u some idea.just think wisely and ask help from Allah.
if u could bear this and accept this,u are one great woman.
but all woman no matter how many times we pray and how many times we read quran...it is difficult to share the man that we love.
plz ask Allah to give u the strength to handle this situation.

no matter what happen...do not loose ur husband.
u must have separate house.both wives cannot live in the same house.
just remember that,dunya is not forever and the eternal happiness is in jannah.and Allah is there all the time waiting for us to ask His help.
plz make dua for ur husband to change his mind if possible.

thank u for the advice

im scared of losing him but then again he had not a valid reason to do this to me because he should have thought about this before he comitted himself to me as this girl was the one he knew before me.. now if he was too afraid to talk to his parents then i dont understand how he will manage his parents now as i wont tell anyone... and in the end they are going to blame me anyway for not being a good wife and that i couldnt satisfy him..
but yeah before losing him i would accept her... although if we are talking about a good muslim girl.. then here i can say that what makes her a good muslimah if she talks to a married man and doesnt want to leave him.. he is not a mahram for her.. its not halal what they are doing anyway... and im not saying that my husband is any better.. for him it is haram aswell..
and when i discussed this topic with him he actually never said that he loves her..he only said he feels responsible for her.. because she always tells him that she will not marry anyone else and will stay all alone all her life and he feels bad for her.. so he says its a valid reason to marry a woman who cant get married to support her...

 

[pariah]

ur profile says that ur a male

lol..oh sorry i just made that account because i needed someone to talk to and there is nobody i can talk to in my family...i didnt realise that there was even a button for that...:shymuslima1:

 

[ummyasiin]

mashallah,....sis if you do everything and fulfill your duties to him and you have no defect with urself ie. un able to bare children, to sick/weak to cook clean, than there is non need for a 2nd wife, Allah says in quran marry only 1,....your husband is marrying from desires subahallah!! if the mariage is not based soley for the sake of Allah ukthi it wont last anyway,...I once was in a polygamy marriage that was based on desires and stupidty and selfishness with the mind state of "I can have more than 1wife" and guess what? it lasted a month with the other wife because, it wasnt for the sake of Allah. ukthi you wont find anything stating that this is reason for talaq.......mayb try using hikmah with him 1st, becuz you surley dont want to be cursed for leaving your husband without jus cause.

 

[revert2007]

thank u for the advice

im scared of losing him but then again he had not a valid reason to do this to me because he should have thought about this before he comitted himself to me as this girl was the one he knew before me.. now if he was too afraid to talk to his parents then i dont understand how he will manage his parents now as i wont tell anyone... and in the end they are going to blame me anyway for not being a good wife and that i couldnt satisfy him..
but yeah before losing him i would accept her... although if we are talking about a good muslim girl.. then here i can say that what makes her a good muslimah if she talks to a married man and doesnt want to leave him.. he is not a mahram for her.. its not halal what they are doing anyway... and im not saying that my husband is any better.. for him it is haram aswell..
and when i discussed this topic with him he actually never said that he loves her..he only said he feels responsible for her.. because she always tells him that she will not marry anyone else and will stay all alone all her life and he feels bad for her.. so he says its a valid reason to marry a woman who cant get married to support her...

ur answer has given the decision that u should take.contact his parents and u parents and tell them about this.he is only using u to marry her.he will never do this if his parents know about this.

 

[pariah]

Your husband has no right to contact with girl after having married with you. If he contacted with the girl in internet He committed a major sin. He cannot pressure you to accept second marriage after having being involved with a non-mahram which is a major sin. It is absolutely your husband fault to continue his previous haram relation with that girl.

A person can contact only after he decided to marry a second wife and the contact must be limited with the guardian of the girl.
He cannot decide about second marriage after contacting with nonmahram. This is a major sin as simple as that.

Ask you husband to fear ALLAH (SWT). Islam has given right to marry second wife but absolutely ISLAM has strictly forbidden what your husband had done before and after marrying you.

Now you sister have to decide. May ALLAH (SWT) give you a way out of this.

i know about that aswell.. but im scared to actually say it as he would say that he going to make this relation halal as soon as possible..so im trying to convince him first to not go for this...
i tried to tell him that the girl cant be a respectful girl if she talks to a married man... its haram for her to do so.. so islamically its wrong what she is doing and for that she cant be too good of a muslimah (Allahu alim).. if she was really religious and could help him to stay on the right path then maybe it would be acceptable..but only because of feelings (that def come and go) that they have for each other its selfish....
and both are not thinking of ruining someone else life...ok forget about me..but his family will never accept this..my family will not accept this either.. and i dont know why he told me all this during ramzan as my head seems to explode soon...

 

[pariah]

mashallah,....sis if you do everything and fulfill your duties to him and you have no defect with urself ie. un able to bare children, to sick/weak to cook clean, than there is non need for a 2nd wife, Allah says in quran marry only 1,....your husband is marrying from desires subahallah!! if the mariage is not based soley for the sake of Allah ukthi it wont last anyway,...I once was in a polygamy marriage that was based on desires and stupidty and selfishness with the mind state of "I can have more than 1wife" and guess what? it lasted a month with the other wife because, it wasnt for the sake of Allah. ukthi you wont find anything stating that this is reason for talaq.......mayb try using hikmah with him 1st, becuz you surley dont want to be cursed for leaving your husband without jus cause.

thats what im saying i dont have any problems..i never disobey him..i fulfill his needs to the best of my abilities alhumdulillah..
thats why i dont see the need of a second wife.. and i told him that aswell.. if there was a problem in me then i would accept his decision in first place..if i couldnt get kids then he could marry as much woman as he wishes to so that he can get his haq..
and i dont want talaq..even if its halal i dont want it.. even if he is doing all this to me i still love him...and im scared if it is halal for me to even say no to his desire and just not accept it... i dont want to comit a sin..
but im just a woman who wishes to be her husbands only wife as i dont want to share him...and the funny thing is he dont want to share me with anyone else and is possessive about me..and doesnt want me leave him.. but if i get possessive then in his opinion im not fulfilling his rights..

what did u do when ur husband got married to his second wife? did u accept it and tries to stay happy?

 

[hassana elkoussi]

:salam2: dear sister,

I can see you're in a criticl dilemma, so I hope Allah will make things easy for you. First, I advise you to do istikhara prayer, coz it's only Allah SWT who knows what's best for each person. Second , you should consider the pros & cons of each case ( staying with your husband or leaving him). I don't think there's any Islamic reason to dissuade him fm his decision, so you should think like i said of both situations. Are you the kind of person who would stand the nights that he'll spend with her? Are you too jealous? Do you lose your temper easily in a way that can make it a constant source of trouble and problems? On the other hand, can you stand living without him? That depends on how much you love him. Can you start a new life on your own? Are you ready to get remarried? Are your children grown up enough that you won't need the support of their father? Are you young enough to adapt easily to living without him and to a new type of life or are you the type of person who'd keep on lamenting her past? Can you be independent economically ? I don't need to know your answers, just helping you to think from an objective viewpoint. In case you feel that you love him and can't live without him, then try to accept the situation and be patient. Consider it one of the tests Allah wants you to face and read about the Mothers of the Believers who, though they were jealous of each other, yet were patient and lived peacefully with the Prophet SAWS. Just make sure that he'll treat you both equally. Wish you all the best sister, make sincere du'aa these days, who knows what's going to happen. Such marriages do not last long.

 

[pariah]

ur answer has given the decision that u should take.contact his parents and u parents and tell them about this.he is only using u to marry her.he will never do this if his parents know about this.

and if he tells me that im disobeying him with an action like this? is it halal for me to do so as he told me not to discuss our personal matters in our family without his permission? and that it will be bad for me if i do so

 

[pariah]

:salam2: dear sister,

I can see you're in a criticl dilemma, so I hope Allah will make things easy for you. First, I advise you to do istikhara prayer, coz it's only Allah SWT who knows what's best for each person. Second , you should consider the pros & cons of each case ( staying with your husband or leaving him). I don't think there's any Islamic reason to dissuade him fm his decision, so you should think like i said of both situations. Are you the kind of person who would stand the nights that he'll spend with her? Are you too jealous? Do you lose your temper easily in a way that can make it a constant source of trouble and problems? On the other hand, can you stand living without him? That depends on how much you love him. Can you start a new life on your own? Are you ready to get remarried? Are your children grown up enough that you won't need the support of their father? Are you young enough to adapt easily to living without him and to a new type of life or are you the type of person who'd keep on lamenting her past? Can you be independent economically ? I don't need to know your answers, just helping you to think from an objective viewpoint. In case you feel that you love him and can't live without him, then try to accept the situation and be patient. Consider it one of the tests Allah wants you to face and read about the Mothers of the Believers who, though they were jealous of each other, yet were patient and lived peacefully with the Prophet SAWS. Just make sure that he'll treat you both equally. Wish you all the best sister, make sincere du'aa these days, who knows what's going to happen.

inshaAllah i ll make dua....and make dua that this woman can find someone who will treat her good so that she forgets about my husband..
and if its possible then i wish that u people who are giving me good advices could make dua for me aswell

i will not leave him...though at the moment i feel betrayed although he told me everything by himself without me finding out about it... and wanted to discuss this with me before taking any step.. and im trying to accept it but it is really hard because i cant imagine him being with someone else or spending the nights with someone else and coming to me after that.. i would not feel very comfortable with that... but i dont think it is easy for any woman...

and i read about the mothers of the believers and the prophet s.a.w. always had a valid reason for marriage and it had nothing to do with personal desires...thats what im saying that if he had a good reason then it would be easier to accept it...

 

[pariah]

people make dua for me please that my husband forgets about this idea before taking any further step and realises that he is doing something wrong and stops keeping this haram relation to this girl.....i need ur prayers :tti_sister:

 

[zbhotto]

thank u for the advice


and when i discussed this topic with him he actually never said that he loves her..he only said he feels responsible for her.. because she always tells him that she will not marry anyone else and will stay all alone all her life and he feels bad for her.. so he says its a valid reason to marry a woman who cant get married to support her...

Tell your husband this kind of foolish love has no place in ISLAM. ISLAM always encourage marriage not monastery. Prophet ask the believer to marry muslim girl even if she is an Abyssinian slave. Tell your husband form Koran we know Allah SWT put fear, calm, love, compassion in the hearts of the believer. ALLAH's pleasure cannot be obtained by displeasing ALLAH.
I am pretty sure this marriage will end up into mess because whatever the girl is saying (I will stay alone entire life if you dont marry me, astagferullah) would certainly displease ALLAH (SWT).

 

[pariah]

Tell your husband this kind of foolish love has no place in ISLAM. ISLAM always encourage marriage not monastery. Prophet ask the believer to marry muslim girl even if she is an Abyssinian slave. Tell your husband form Koran we know Allah SWT put fear, calm, love, compassion in the hearts of the believer. ALLAH's pleasure cannot be obtained by displeasing ALLAH.
I am pretty sure this marriage will end up into mess because whatever the girl is saying (I will stay alone entire life if you dont marry me, astagferullah) would certainly displease ALLAH (SWT).

i agree with u...such love has no place in islam..
and i told him that what she is saying about not getting married is foolish aswell. all girls say this when they are attached to someone and want to emotionally blackmail someone.. and if he cared so much about her not marrying anyone else he should have married her before coming to my house and ask for my hand as i didnt even know that he existed before that. so now this girl is claiming that i took him away from her and that she is actually his first wife and not me...though there was no marriage at all.. im his wife and i ll always be his first wife.. so this girl doesnt seem to be very religious to me though Allahu aalim i cant see into someones heart or his niyaat...
but when i say something then he tells me i ll create problems for myself..

and the funny thing is she is not even living in same country as we do..and he got nikkah and legal paper marriage with me...so that girl wont even get visa probably... so i dont see the point in marrying her anyway...
at the moment im so confused and cant think like i should as a good muslimah...but i just need to talk to someone about my concerns and feelings..

 

[slaveofAllah88]

aslam o aliakum sis,
to tell u the truth, im totally shocked at ur husband decision SubhanAllah , ur wedding is blessed u both are happy with each other , you are fulfilling ur duties as a wife.
Everything seems good why does he is creating this problem for u, u r such a wonderful muslimah he should be thanking Allah (swt) for blessing him with a pious wife.
Well watever decision is made, i think all u can do is try to talk to him, and break his stubbornness.
He has made the decision on his own u need to remind him how much u love him, and wud like for him to not divide his love between 2 women, another thing im not sure but u know in ur nikah did u mention or he mention something about 2nd marriage or preventing it.
Try to reason with him made loads of Dua and Inshallah dua i hope ur pain goes away soon inshallah

 

[pariah]

aslam o aliakum sis,
to tell u the truth, im totally shocked at ur husband decision SubhanAllah , ur wedding is blessed u both are happy with each other , you are fulfilling ur duties as a wife.
Everything seems good why does he is creating this problem for u, u r such a wonderful muslimah he should be thanking Allah (swt) for blessing him with a pious wife.
Well watever decision is made, i think all u can do is try to talk to him, and break his stubbornness.
He has made the decision on his own u need to remind him how much u love him, and wud like for him to not divide his love between 2 women, another thing im not sure but u know in ur nikah did u mention or he mention something about 2nd marriage or preventing it.
Try to reason with him made loads of Dua and Inshallah dua i hope ur pain goes away soon inshallah

i dont know why he is creating this problem for me...but he is telling me again and again that it is not my fault which doesnt help me much as in the end i ll be the one to compromise anyway.. and we he didnt want to put the second marriage part into the nikahnama and told me that trust, loyalty and honesty is important if u do nikkah with someone...and u can be successful only if u have trust in ur significant other... so i didnt think of putting this in the nikahnama... how could i know that he ll go for anything like that.. but yeah i gave him the permission to have a second wife only when i cant fulfill his haqooq... but it was not stated in nikahnama..
thank u for the dua