The headaches of being a matchmaker

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Here is a lighter thread.

Ok...so I decide to become a matchmaker. How difficult can that be. There are boys who want to marry girls. And there are girls who want to marry boys. The big factor is they are all Believers. Ok..this should be a no-brainer.

Wrong. The biggest block turns out to be the expectations of the parents. The easiest way I can explain it is this: I have a slew of girls and a batch of males. They all want to marry. They are almost easy-going and then I hit the wall. The parents.

I have tried to explain to parents that it is difficult to pull out a boy from the village that they were raised in. I have also tried to explain to the parents that there are many righteous brothers right here in front of them. Oh no..they want a copy of the boy from the village. Hello.

This goes against the grain of Islam. It is wrong. But, alas what can I say. They want a boy from home. How do I explain to the parents that " home" for them is long gone and home for their daughters is right here. How do I know..I ask the girls a simple question..what do you call home and they give me their address. It ain't 20,000 miles away. The same applies to the young men.

Back to my headache...I have a list of good candidates..and everyone is waiting...and there are good matches...I see the smiles on the faces of the young women I have approached and the young men who have contacted me...

I did not know that the completion of deen means it has to be next door.

 

[Sakeena]

Asalam alaikum!!

The ignorance is staggering!! Oh well. Culture-minded parents....I'll never understand them.

I'm smiling ear to ear Aapa-waiting. :shymuslima1:

 

[helpinghumanity]

Wa-alaikumus salam wa rahmatullah

Welcome to the real world sister

This headache should not urge you to stop from what you are trying to do. Rather this headache should motivate you to step forward with much more affirmative energy. Indeed it is a great work that you are doing and it may be a source a ** continuous reward** for you.

 

[helpinghumanity]

Asalam alaikum!!

The ignorance is staggering!! Oh well. Culture-minded parents....I'll never understand them.

Wa-alaikumus salam wa rahmatullah

With regards to the parents, once sister Al fajr wrote and I quote

Just as parents can be blinded by culture, young people can be blinded by their emotions; both are damaging and can lead to bad results.

 

[Itqan Ullah]

Asslamaliekum waramatullahi wabrakatu,
Just few hours back I was watching this:

[yt]OMnQX8RN6Rs[/yt]

Brother Highlighted the same Headache.....

May Allah (swt) rectify the condition of our Ummah.

 

[al-fajr]

Wa-alaikum assalam wa rahmatullaahi wa barakatuhuh,

Your parents are your doors to Jannah and nothing should make a peson forget that. A person will not enter paradise unless his or her parents are satisfied with them, not even a person who attained martyrdom in Allaah's path.

The topic is fine, its okay to discuss the probelms. I acknowledge there is a gap of understanding between parents and children, a lot of misplaced nationalism and tribalism in the older generation and this needs to be understood and addressed appropriately, tactfully.

Dislike of the above should not make anyone arrogant, or blind us to the fact that the scales of debt between you and your parents is very much tilted in their favour and nothing we can do will ever balance that scale, so its better to hold our tongues and remain humble, because there is a real tendency for people to lose sight of the reality with this topic.

وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلاَّ تَعْبُدُواْ إِلاَّ إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاَهُمَا فَلاَ تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّ وَلاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيمًا​

And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.​

[Surah al-Israa Ayah 23]​

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ*! لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ*!​

And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.​

[Surah Luqman Ayah 14]​

There are Ahadeeth too and more Ayaat, but inshaAllaah these two Ayaat will serve the purpose of reminding.

In short, this thread will be closed if I think the above guideline, the indisputable boundary of respect every single parent deserves has been breached in anyway; no person should be passing arrogant judgements on their own parents, or making generalisations about everyone elses, this is something that will not be tolerated.

This post may be pre-emptive, but I'd rather say it now.

Hope everyone has a beneficial Jummu'ah.

Wa-salam

 

[elqouds2020]

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
وصية الإسلام من اتاكم من ترضونادينه و خلوقق

 

[Seeking Allah's Mercy]

Wa-alaikum assalam wa rahmatullaahi wa barakatuhuh,

Your parents are your doors to Jannah and nothing should make a peson forget that. A person will not enter paradise unless his or her parents are satisfied with them, not even a person who attained martyrdom in Allaah's path.

The topic is fine, its okay to discuss the probelms. I acknowledge there is a gap of understanding between parents and children, a lot of misplaced nationalism and tribalism in the older generation and this needs to be understood and addressed appropriately, tactfully.

Dislike of the above should not make anyone arrogant, or blind us to the fact that the scales of debt between you and your parents is very much tilted in their favour and nothing we can do will ever balance that scale, so its better to hold our tongues and remain humble, because there is a real tendency for people to lose sight of the reality with this topic.

وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلاَّ تَعْبُدُواْ إِلاَّ إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاَهُمَا فَلاَ تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّ وَلاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيمًا​

And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.​

[Surah al-Israa Ayah 23]​

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ*! لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ*!​

And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.​

[Surah Luqman Ayah 14]​

There are Ahadeeth too and more Ayaat, but inshaAllaah these two Ayaat will serve the purpose of reminding.

In short, this thread will be closed if I think the above guideline, the indisputable boundary of respect every single parent deserves has been breached in anyway; no person should be passing arrogant judgements on their own parents, or making generalisations about everyone elses, this is something that will not be tolerated.

This post may be pre-emptive, but I'd rather say it now.

Hope everyone has a beneficial Jummu'ah.

Wa-salam

Wasalamo`Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Baraakaatuh,

BaraakAllaahu feeki ukht. It's a blessing we have some serious moderators here.

May Allaah pay you very very high in return for this important reminder.


As for those who are "turned off" by their parents. Deal with your problem yourself by being proactive. Fix the gap. . .say five years ahead of your to be marriage year. Don't expect them to change their view overnight when they've been living by their old ways all their life.

Start filling the gap, start talking here and there in discussions with them, start fixing 'your' problem by slowly imparting knowledge to their "culture curved" minds, be polite, humble and respectful to them. If you plan on marrying five years from now, let them hear what you want right from now, so that when five years pass by, they'd be somewhat ready to take it in.

Let the knowledgable take the talks from here Inshaa'Allaah. Listen to what Brother Nouman has advice you on this. It's somewhat related to the topic. . .

[yt]f7ewN_6L8SY[/yt]​

And there is nothing so strong as duas and Allaah is sufficient for us.

 

[Ash76]

Wa-alaikum assalam wa rahmatullaahi wa barakatuhuh,

Your parents are your doors to Jannah and nothing should make a peson forget that. A person will not enter paradise unless his or her parents are satisfied with them, not even a person who attained martyrdom in Allaah's path.

The topic is fine, its okay to discuss the probelms. I acknowledge there is a gap of understanding between parents and children, a lot of misplaced nationalism and tribalism in the older generation and this needs to be understood and addressed appropriately, tactfully.

Dislike of the above should not make anyone arrogant, or blind us to the fact that the scales of debt between you and your parents is very much tilted in their favour and nothing we can do will ever balance that scale, so its better to hold our tongues and remain humble, because there is a real tendency for people to lose sight of the reality with this topic.

وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلاَّ تَعْبُدُواْ إِلاَّ إِيَّاهُ وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاَهُمَا فَلاَ تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّ وَلاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيمًا​

And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.​

[Surah al-Israa Ayah 23]​

وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ*! لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ*!​

And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination.​

[Surah Luqman Ayah 14]​

There are Ahadeeth too and more Ayaat, but inshaAllaah these two Ayaat will serve the purpose of reminding.

In short, this thread will be closed if I think the above guideline, the indisputable boundary of respect every single parent deserves has been breached in anyway; no person should be passing arrogant judgements on their own parents, or making generalisations about everyone elses, this is something that will not be tolerated.

This post may be pre-emptive, but I'd rather say it now.

Hope everyone has a beneficial Jummu'ah.

Wa-salam

:ma: sister, an excellent and timely reminder of the value of parents.

For those of us whose parent(s) are still alive, may Allah grant us the ability to see the value of our parents as seen through His Eyes. May Allah accept us into their service and forgive their shortcomings and make our patience with them a means of our very own salvation and unblinded guidance.

For those of us whose parent(s) have passed away, may Allah forgive their sins, give them salvation from the punishment of the kabr, expand for them their graves and illuminate their grave with His light in which even darkness shines.

Remember that the same way we treat our parents, our children will treat us the same if not worse in our old age

 

[Ash76]

Forgot to add...

Parents always want what's best for their children in terms of their long term happiness.

They can see right through the trees where as our views are sometimes blinkered and can not see beyond the woods!

Also from my own personal experience, looking back and reflecting on my life retrospectively, I can now see the wisdom behind some of the advice my parents have given me even though it was a bitter pill to swallow at the time!

May Allah bless them and all our parents (Ameen!)

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Slow down sisters!!!!

The title of the thread was the headaches of a matchmaker.

How you got to disrespecting parents is beyond me.

I am discussing racisim in Islam. I am discussing the same things the brother on the video encounters.

Please do not turn the thread around. I am trying to point out the difficulties of being a matchmaker. It has nothing to do with being disobient to parents.

I am the one who is having difficulty with the parents because of their racism and inability to see that Islam has no color and economic nor cultural barriers.

I am describing people who have migrated to countires but retain the crazy culutral barriers and are pure and simple racist.

 

[al-fajr]

I'm not turning the thread around at all Aapa, I am sure being a matchmaker is no easy task and you're at liberty to shed light on that in this thread as much as you want to.

That's why I said this:

The topic is fine, its okay to discuss the probelms. I acknowledge there is a gap of understanding between parents and children, a lot of misplaced nationalism and tribalism in the older generation and this needs to be understood and addressed appropriately, tactfully.

And this:

This post may be pre-emptive, but I'd rather say it now.

I think now that we've reminded ourselves of some limitations in what we should and should not say, this thread can develop into a fruitful and beneficial discussion, my post wasn't supposed to stop that and I don't think it will.

Assalamu'alaykum.

 

[MEMON]

Assalam O Alaikum

Indeed sister has touched upon an important social issue facing our Muslim community since long. In the name of racism and nationalism, which are very common amongst the human beings in general and among the muslims in particular, we tend to plant and breed the seeds of isolation and haterd towards our fellow community brothers and sisters who are believed not to fall in the category of our matching caste and class. As evident from the last address (hajjat al wada) of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) that no arab is superior to non-arab and vice versa. I believe marriage is an institue whereby muslims marrying to muslims of different castes, tribes and nationalities can promote the genuine brotherhood and tolerance.

To me, this problem turns out to be the worst when you leave home for higher studies and work in the west. It is hard to find a life partner in the western countries probably because our muslim families hardly welcome and develope contacts with the muslims of different language and the nationality.


May Allah (subhanahu wa ta'ala) guide us along the right path and give us strength to follow islamic teachings in their true spirit...ameen!

 

[Hajjerr]

Assalaam walaikum,

Here is a lighter thread.

Ok...so I decide to become a matchmaker. How difficult can that be. There are boys who want to marry girls. And there are girls who want to marry boys. The big factor is they are all Believers. Ok..this should be a no-brainer.

Wrong. The biggest block turns out to be the expectations of the parents. The easiest way I can explain it is this: I have a slew of girls and a batch of males. They all want to marry. They are almost easy-going and then I hit the wall. The parents.

I have tried to explain to parents that it is difficult to pull out a boy from the village that they were raised in. I have also tried to explain to the parents that there are many righteous brothers right here in front of them. Oh no..they want a copy of the boy from the village. Hello.

This goes against the grain of Islam. It is wrong. But, alas what can I say. They want a boy from home. How do I explain to the parents that " home" for them is long gone and home for their daughters is right here. How do I know..I ask the girls a simple question..what do you call home and they give me their address. It ain't 20,000 miles away. The same applies to the young men.

Back to my headache...I have a list of good candidates..and everyone is waiting...and there are good matches...I see the smiles on the faces of the young women I have approached and the young men who have contacted me...

I did not know that the completion of deen means it has to be next door.

wa aleikum salam wa rahmatulahy wa barakatuh

My dear sister, i pray Allah helps you to open the roads for the young brothers and sisters...and may Allah help you to make parents understand how light and beautifull islam is. We need sisters like you, i belive this with all my heart. I saw how deep the roots of nationalism can be...not speeking about parents, but about people in general. I love to be muslim, alhamdullilah.
Allah knows best.

:salam2:

 

[strive-may-i]

:salam2:

Aapa, comes with the Job Now we know whats keeping you busy! Roller coaster ride this one

I think, you should talk to another matchmaker in your region and listen to all tales of ache. A matchmaker needs many skills. Among them an important one I think is not straight talk, but smooth persuasive talk , Spotting the trouble ...

In many places a marriage is not about two people, its also about two families. Am told background, family history, old wounds, and what nots come into play. Its not an easy role...

 

[islamdonlyway]

assalamualikum,

In my opinion it's not fully racism when chooseing people from different cast/culture. For example, my mother is old and only understands bangali, and inshallah when i shell marry (guesing in a few years time) my mother would only be able to communicate with someone who is bangali, thus a perticuler type will be choosen. This is no racism, its about communication. This is effecting alot of brothers and sisters, thats the reason many dont marry from other cultures.

 

[faaraa]

Totally agree with Aunt Aapa

She was only talking about the mental stress a match maker goes through.. some times the barriers are being "Parents" , and never did she foreced any one to go beyond their parents on these issues... so calm down every one.

Subhanallah..... I have seen many conflicts which live on our societies no matter in which corner of the world we live.. Subhanallah...

Recently I witnessed an issue, only because of the geographical borders people denied a Nikah !! Just think... man.. it's all about some states or cities... this is the reality though...

People have started giving priority to the titles, money, status, family background , geographical boarders, annual income, and etc than giving the priorities to the feelings, love and Deen ...
This show has started many years ago and Aunt Aapa I think we are of the views who are late to witness the role plays !!
I pray that the day should reach us soon when the priorities are being focused at the possibilities in the light of Islam....
Fee Amanillah

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Sorry, I should have used the word xenophobic.

Help me out here...what does the language that your mother speaks have to do with you marrying?

You do not marry a language you marry a person.

And once again, this has nothing to do with Islam. If anything the older one gets the more mellow you become. You are just glad to be alive and let go of the preconceived notions that held you back in the past.

This is not based on the practice of faith. I am just shocked at the lack of understanding about Islam in many cultures.

This is a subject of trust and I feel as if the culture is the barrier.

 

[faaraa]

Alhamdulillah Aapa Aunt is making things clear more

Yes without a doubt , CULTURE is the most suitable word which can be used over here

Lolz I laughed at //You do not marry a language you marry a person.//

 

[elqouds2020]

بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
اسأل الله أن يرزقكم الصبر انشاء الله .In the name of God the Merciful
Peace, mercy and blessings of Allah
Ask God to give you sustenance patience, God