trust in marriage

[yaquddus]

Assalamualaikum,
I have been struggling with trust issues for a few months now and decided to reach out for help. This lack of trust in my husband is eating me up from the inside and weakening my relationship with my husband.
My reason for being upset with my husband is because he talked with his girl cousin for a few days without me knowing about it. In a few days they had 100 msgs between each other and a few hours of talk. He says he considers her only as a sister but I know that the girl cousin did want to marry him. After I confronted him he felt bad and stopped talking to her, but I am not the same. I have low self esteem and cannot trust my husband even if i am trying so much. I feel like I am using that situation and ruining myself and my marriage. I know people have more serious problems but I am stuck, just dont know how to get out of this mindset.
Does any one have advice about how to bring back my trust in the marriage? my husband is kind to me and I feel like I am ruining everything, I feel like why should I waste my time loving and caring about him when he can go talk to other girls and hurt me. How should I regain my trust, self esteem, and healthy marriage? Jazakallah for your time

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Why are you hurting yourself. Ask Allah to forgive you and move on. Give him space and time. Marriage is eternal. Never bring up the subject. Life is too short to be so sensitive and jealousy only harms you.

 

[BrotherInIslam7]

Salaamalaykum waa rahmatullahi,

First of all, with due respect to your husband, he is at fault here. I know that cousin sisters in some cultures are treated as sisters, but Islamically one can get married to them or one can feel attracted to them.

If I would be in your shoes, I would be very suspicious too if someone chats with a member of an opposite sex for a few hours and exchanges lots of texts. There is absolutely no excuse for such a behavior. The brother needs to understand that it is your *right* that he not communicate with any non mahram women and be loyal to you. This is literally opening the door for satan to lead people astray and fall into grave sins or feel attracted to another lady & breaking up of a family.

Your husband should be informed of the Islamic stance for men in dealing with non-mahram women. Private one on one conversations are totally prohibited and goes against the Islamic values of segregation (minimal contact) between the opposite non related sexes. He needs to listen/read about these topics and should be asked to fear Allah azz zawajal for he will be accountable for all that he does, in secrecy or openly.

It is natural for someone to feel hurt, jealous or doubtful once they find out their spouse has been conversing to a member of the opposite sex for hours without knowledge. Would it be acceptable for the brother if his wife or sister spoke to non related men for hours and exchanged series of texts ? Definitely not for someone who possesses even little gheerah.

I sympathize with you in this situation and I encourage you to ask your husband to realise his mistake and learn the Islamic stance on mixing freely with non mahram women. He needs to repent to Allah azz zawajal and also give you his word that he would never indulge in such an act again.

I ask Allah azz zawajal to grant you patience and guide the brother and save him from the traps of satan. May Allah Almighty preserve your marriage and bring back the peace and tranquility in your lives. Ameen.. Thumma Ameen.

Wasalaamalaykum waa rahmatullahi

 

[BrotherInIslam7]

Just wanted to add that the onus is on the brother to win back the trust and love of his spouse. It is he who has trespassed boundaries and indulged in something that has hurt and saddened his spouse, not to mention that it is totally unacceptable behavior for a muslim married man to commit and would constitute a sin. Therefore, he has to win back his wife's confidence in him by changing his behavior and promising never to indulge in such an activity again.

 

[BrotherInIslam7]

Assalaam walaikum,

Why are you hurting yourself. Ask Allah to forgive you and move on. Give him space and time. Marriage is eternal. Never bring up the subject. Life is too short to be so sensitive and jealousy only harms you.

I couldn't disagree any more with you on your advice.

The sister is hurting and would need reassurance that her husband would never put her in the same tough position again, when she has to reassess if her husband has really been loyal to her or not. He doesn't need space, rather he needs to be asked to talk to his wife and reassure her.

It's easy to say to never bring the subject again. It takes years and years to feel totally confident and gain trust in someone and it takes just one instance/moment to lose it. Unfortunately such things can cause breakdown in relationships and they are hard to mend. It is an uphill task on the brother, but one that he must undertake as he owes it to his wife and to his relationship.

 

[arzafar]

cant help you except to inform that it's your husband's fault.

 

[JenGiove]

Assalamualaikum,
I have been struggling with trust issues for a few months now and decided to reach out for help. This lack of trust in my husband is eating me up from the inside and weakening my relationship with my husband.
My reason for being upset with my husband is because he talked with his girl cousin for a few days without me knowing about it. In a few days they had 100 msgs between each other and a few hours of talk. He says he considers her only as a sister but I know that the girl cousin did want to marry him. After I confronted him he felt bad and stopped talking to her, but I am not the same. I have low self esteem and cannot trust my husband even if i am trying so much. I feel like I am using that situation and ruining myself and my marriage. I know people have more serious problems but I am stuck, just dont know how to get out of this mindset.
Does any one have advice about how to bring back my trust in the marriage? my husband is kind to me and I feel like I am ruining everything, I feel like why should I waste my time loving and caring about him when he can go talk to other girls and hurt me. How should I regain my trust, self esteem, and healthy marriage?

Dear Sister,

I am so sorry for you pain. I too am in a slightly similar situation. Maybe I'm reading this today because I can provide for you a tiny window into the "what if" part of this situation. I also have self-esteem issues (from years of systematic abuse at the hands of my mother..) so I know you are asking yourself the "what if I had only done this or that or...". "What if I allow him this talk?" "What if it is innocent..?" "What if...what if...what if....". Only Creator knows the definate future, but there are reasons why there is no intermingling of the sexes and allow me to share my story with you, inshallah it will make you stronger in your imaan.

I am 38 years old and have been married to my husband for 7 years. We've been a couple for 10. I'm not a Muslim so the boundaries of my relationship with my husband is different than yours. Within the last year, I allowed him certain "freedoms" under the condition that nothing was ever done secretly. No interaction. No communications. No secret feelings..nothing. Shame means guilt and guilt means sin.

I found out, a month after we moved and two months after the discovery of my father and brother's dead bodies, that there had been secret plans to meet. Secret plans to deceive and secret emotions. I hacked into his email and text messages. I saved copies for myself. I casually asked him, TWICE (so that he would have to open door to share what needed to be shared) about his relationship with her. Twice he lied, once in our bedroom. I confronted him the third time and have asked for a divorce. He had no reason to hide from me but he did anyways. He had no reason to lie to me but he did.

My son is a toddler who is not potty trained. I could easily get a job as a phlebotomist and support myself and my son, but I can't put him in childcare untill he is trained. My husband works at night so he can't be awake to watch our son and I live in a state that is unknown to me. I have left all that I've ever known and have very few friends here but they all work anyways. So I have to wait. In the mean time, we live like roommates instead. We no longer share the same bed and we dress modestly around each other.

Many times I've trusted him and forgave him when I knew he lied to me. Would I change those actions? NO! NEVER!

We do not know what is coming to us from around the corner. If life is a river, and the troubles we have are the raging river, we are in a boat traveling down that river. We have a leak in the boat. If it can be repaired, we repair it. If we can bail out the water in the boat, we bail. Our VERY VERY last choice it to get out of the boat. But where? Do we jump out when the life around us can swallow us and we would drown? NO. If I left my husband now, I would drown. Do we pull the boat over and get out on shore? Yes, but where? We look and we see thorns and snakes on the shore. We'd live, but at what cost? What if there is a safe shore, just around the corner? All we have to do is hang on.

We make it around the corner and behold! What do we see? Not only a safe shore, but a place to repair our beloved boat. Alhamdulilah!

Hang on and keep trying sister. You WILL know when it is time to leave the boat. Trust me. I know. When you do make that choice, it will not have any pain and only love. Love for your husband and love for yourself. My husband is no longer happy with his life with me in it as his wife. "Love for the sake of Allah"......I love the person that is my husband and only want him to have peace in his life. I can no longer allow myself to be sacrifice for his peace though. I love MYSELF too much for that.

You WILL know......trust that Creator will guide you to the safest shore.

It's easy to say to never bring the subject again. It takes years and years to feel totally confident and gain trust in someone and it takes just one instance/moment to lose it. Unfortunately such things can cause breakdown in relationships and they are hard to mend. It is an uphill task on the brother, but one that he must undertake as he owes it to his wife and to his relationship.

How true that is!

 

[queenislam]

Sister know what you have done???

Assalamualaikum,
I have been struggling with trust issues for a few months now and decided to reach out for help. This lack of trust in my husband is eating me up from the inside and weakening my relationship with my husband.
My reason for being upset with my husband is because he talked with his girl cousin for a few days without me knowing about it. In a few days they had 100 msgs between each other and a few hours of talk. He says he considers her only as a sister but I know that the girl cousin did want to marry him. After I confronted him he felt bad and stopped talking to her, but I am not the same. I have low self esteem and cannot trust my husband even if i am trying so much. I feel like I am using that situation and ruining myself and my marriage. I know people have more serious problems but I am stuck, just dont know how to get out of this mindset.
Does any one have advice about how to bring back my trust in the marriage? my husband is kind to me and I feel like I am ruining everything, I feel like why should I waste my time loving and caring about him when he can go talk to other girls and hurt me. How should I regain my trust, self esteem, and healthy marriage? Jazakallah for your time

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:salam2:

:astag:
Sister know what you have done???
Wrong!

I see that you are blaming the wrong person!
I don't think you have to blame your husband for this matter !
You should blame that self fish cousin of his!

She is the caused here taking the advantage of 'cousin' relationship to be close to you husband!
Pardon your husband sister, for making himself a 'joker' fooled by his own cousin!
He is a care man he took care of her , she just making up'stories' and problem to get closeness to him!You see if your husband is a bad person nobody cares to send @ 100 msgs and a few hours of talk!!!

No sane person but desparados do, will like to 100 msgs between each other and a few hours of talk!

And she is a desperados!Getting a fight because of a desperados woman???forget it sister!

He is sorry now trust his sincerity as he meant only to help her
on top of that making sure he will not do it again to get futher fooled by anyone !

The rest leave it to Allah swt~Allah swt knows best to deal with liars!!!

~Kiss and make up sister dear

P:s if he is sooo interested in her,he would have make her his wife long ago but he choose you~He has his heart for you sister and NOT her so forgive and forget
~Remember:Syaithan takes oppurtunity in this to get both of you fight so Never Let Syaithan Win!

Patch up and flourish your love~May both of you live happily ever after~Amin!

~May Allah swt shower blesses upon all muslim~Amin!

~Best Wishes on you marry,
[url=http://www.glitter-graphics.com] [/URL]
from your sister in Islam,
queenislam .

~Wassalam

 

[JenGiove]

Salam Sister QueenIslam,

I would kindly remind you that there were two people involved in this matter, the cousin and the husband. Her guilt is for crossing the bounds of a marrage but HIS is twice as bad. He crossed the bounds AND kept it secret. Men can lie too...not just women.

Salam..

 

[queenislam]

It simply clear!!!

Salam Sister QueenIslam,

I would kindly remind you that there were two people involved in this matter, the cousin and the husband. Her guilt is for crossing the bounds of a marrage but HIS is twice as bad. He crossed the bounds AND kept it secret. Men can lie too...not just women.

Salam..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:salam2:
Greeting

JenGiove,
Her explaination is clear and simple!

The cousin demand attention and her husband entertain and the wife jealous.It a common thing come on'


It simply clear!!!

~Wassalam

 

[a_stranger]

:salam2:

The prophet salla Allahu alaihi wa sallam taught us taqwa(fearing Allah) and good characters which make our life happy and peacefull , but most of muslems don`t stick to the lessons of the prophet salla Allau alaihi wa sallam .

Just a thought may be a wife should try hard to give her husband all that she can for the sake of Allah ie. try to be a perfect woman so that he won`t think of any one else. I know to be perfect is impossible but if a muslem woman purify her intention and try to obey Allah sobhanhu wa taala in treating her husband in the best way ......may be he would never think of any one else ....this is just a thought and Allah knows best.

My adivce be patient and calm and try to solve your problem quietly.

 

[JenGiove]

Just a thought may be a wife should try hard to give her husband all that she can for the sake of Allah ie. try to be a perfect woman so that he won`t think of any one else.

Salam Sister,

My question is, what about him? Does he not have to be the perfect husband so that the wife would feel trust? Remember, he is the one who kept the communication secret. He has the responsibility to tell the cousin "we must not speak" and then notify her parents (I'm assuming the procedure here so please forgive me if I make a mistake) that she is stepping out of bounds.....

He could have stopped it but he did not.

 

[yaquddus]

My husband immigrated to US a year back, and hadnt been in contact with his cousin for years. When he came back, he heard rumors that she is bad and doing wrong stuff. So he decided to reach out and talk to her which amounted to such long lengthy convos.. without me knowing. Thats what is bothering me, he did it behind my back .

When I found out, ( He mentioned that he talked to her,then I checked out the phone bill ( bad idea)). I saw the back and forth msgs nonstop throughout the day.. I did not receive any msgs at that time, but she did. I keep remembering that and going through lots of jealousy. My mom called up her mom to let her know whats going on, then called the cousin up.. she got all happy and said, i knew this wud have happened. I dont know if the way we confronted it was correct, but thats just how i reacted in the situation. Then her mom called up my husband and said that he should not talk like this on the cell. If he wants to talk he should come with this wife to the house and be with family. I feel super embarrassed. I need help on how to recover from this situation. I know he is wrong. But I am torturing myself thinking about this over and over.

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Brother in Islam,

You can disagree all you want. I have been a very effective marriage counselor. She has to come to grips with her feelings of being inadequate. Her jelousy will make things worse in the long run. Many women forget marriage does not mean a man can not talk to other human beings. Why women dwell only on the sexual competition with others is beyond me.
She is the one with the issue of trust. He may not even be aware.

 

[BrotherInIslam7]

Salaam,

Brother in Islam,

You can disagree all you want. I have been a very effective marriage counselor. She has to come to grips with her feelings of being inadequate. Her jelousy will make things worse in the long run. Many women forget marriage does not mean a man can not talk to other human beings. Why women dwell only on the sexual competition with others is beyond me.
She is the one with the issue of trust. He may not even be aware.

I have never doubted your capabilities to counsel our fellow board members. Infact, many times I have greatly benefited from your responses and contribution to TTI. Jazaki Allahu Khayran for your efforts.

Men and women always have boundaries when dealing with opposite sex in the fold of Islam. And after marriage, this becomes of even more importance, as failure to comply with the Islamic rules would also mean that your spouse's rights are being compromised and this is unacceptable.

In an Islamic marriage, a spouse should not be talking with members of the opposite sex casually and send 100's of texts back and forth. This is unacceptable. It is not about a 'sexual competition'. I am sure if the tables were turned around and it was the sister who was on the phone with a member of opposite sex for hours on end, the brother would be equally upset with his other half.

This is about upholding the rights of your wife and acting within folds of Islam in terms of conversing with a non mahram women. That too it was done in secrecy, only putting matters more in the doubtful area and causing pain and suffering to our sister when she found out.

Anyhow, this thread is about giving sincere advice and not about going in to elongated rebuttals or arguments. So let's leave it at that.

InshaAllah the sister benefits from all of our input. May Allah azz zawajal make it easy for her & grant her what is in her best interest. Ameen

Wasalaamalaykum waa rahmatullahi

 

[a_stranger]

Salam Sister,

My question is, what about him? Does he not have to be the perfect husband so that the wife would feel trust? Remember, he is the one who kept the communication secret. He has the responsibility to tell the cousin "we must not speak" and then notify her parents (I'm assuming the procedure here so please forgive me if I make a mistake) that she is stepping out of bounds.....

He could have stopped it but he did not.

Salam for you sister :
In Islam it is the responsibility of each human to act well for the sake of Allah sobhanahu wa taala since all will be asked and we should seek his pleasure and Paradise (both male and female) but since now we can only communicate with our sister we should do our best to save her marriage and house. Her husband and his cousin are mistaken they should obey Allah sobhanahu wa taala :

24:30 (Y. Ali) Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them: And Allah is well acquainted with all that they do.
24:31 (Y. Ali) And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty ............
Translation of the meanings of Quran.


May Allah guide us all to all that is good and pure.

with regards

 

[kayleigh]

I'm not married, but it seems to me like you should be openly communicating your feelings to your husband so that he understands how much you've been hurt. Maybe his intentions were innocent and he didn't think you would be bothered by it. If that's the case, he still needs to understand that it isn't okay or acceptable so that he knows what he shouldn't do in the future. If he cares about you enough he will try to make it up to you and restore your trust in him but it will probably take a long time.

If you really, really can't get past it maybe you could try couples therapy? I know of some imams who will do that, and some of them are really good at it.

Whatever he did wrong is 100% his fault and he is the only one responsible for his actions. Don't let yourself play the "what if" game like Jen mentioned.

 

[Ahsen]

Talk to him calmy about this and tell him that there is a issue and it has to be solved for both of your goodness.