Christian married to Muslim Man

[dawahforever]

I knew a couple exactly like you before in my hometown. They met in a bar and they got along great and got married. Then they had a daughter and he completely changed and decided to become religious..having kids does it to most muslims everytime. She didn't like it either and they kept separating and getting back together. I'm not sure of what became of them though since I moved away. A lot of muslims think that practicing Islam is something for when you get old so when they are young they like to live a little. Of course this is wrong and the fallout for their non-muslim gf and wives and the kids that come along is unbelievable. Your husband is right in wanting to turn himself around but wrong in his approach. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was never rough with people but always kind, soft, gentle ,merciful and if he hadn't been that way no one would have listened to his message. Your husband needs to take the same approach. I think he is angry because he is mad at himself and is taking it out on you. Maybe sit down and talk to him when he is calm and say I would love to learn more about your religion but only if you are willing to talk to me in a nice way. If that doesn't work then maybe contact his family and talk to them about it. YOu should also read or watch about Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)for example the movie The Message and see how his approach was. When you see what a beautiful example he was a human being, as a muslim , as a leader, as a preacher etc you will have a different feeling than the one your husband is giving you. In fact I suggest you watch it together. I pray that Allah will soften your husband's heart and approach.

 

[dianek]

I have seen The Message, I have ready "Islam for Dummies" and find there to be some very good things about Islam. But seeing him and what is going on all over the world....it just makes me not want to be part of that. I guess I joined this forum to see if others were like what I am seeing.....I don't understand how they can go and blow themselves and others up and say it is in the name of God, you know? I know how we met was haraam, but that is where I was in life and where he was. I feel like I am living a life that I wasn't given the real truth about in the beginning. Had he been this way when we met, I would not have gone on a date with him at all. I feel I was "tricked"..I have thought many times that I would be a "better Muslim" than him, but I have issues with the dress code and not having a glass of wine should I want it. I feel that I would be oppressed in so many ways. AND MY PARENTS.........oh my! They would just DIE! It's bad enough to them that the kids and I have to sneak to have Christmas at their house. And to us, that holiday is not religious just tradition......there is no religion involved in it. I have given up all my holidays at home EVERYTHING....I already feel oppressed and I am not even muslim. The few times I have been to the mosque, the air was very negative from other women....like I have no right to be there. On a different note, you know how christians go out to the community and pass literature out and speak to people, How come muslims don't do that? Introduce themselves to the community around them that is not muslim....if we saw them doing that and got to know them it would be a good thing. Here in Richmond it seems that if you aren't Muslim the Masjid doesn't want to be part of anything (like charities, etc.) Why are the willing to ONLY concern themselves with themselves........

 

[apocalypse77]

an arab friend of mine once told me that he finds it very creepy to know that once a non arab converted to muslim( which he didnt find any probs with) starts to adopt arab culture, eat arab food, arab cloths and trying to be more arab than arabs themselves

 

[dianek]

I do too.....kind of like you are a wannabe......I absolutely don't want to do that. I am who I am!

 

[dawahforever]

I have seen The Message, I have ready "Islam for Dummies" and find there to be some very good things about Islam. But seeing him and what is going on all over the world....it just makes me not want to be part of that. I guess I joined this forum to see if others were like what I am seeing.....I don't understand how they can go and blow themselves and others up and say it is in the name of God, you know? I know how we met was haraam, but that is where I was in life and where he was. I feel like I am living a life that I wasn't given the real truth about in the beginning. Had he been this way when we met, I would not have gone on a date with him at all. I feel I was "tricked"..I have thought many times that I would be a "better Muslim" than him, but I have issues with the dress code and not having a glass of wine should I want it. I feel that I would be oppressed in so many ways. AND MY PARENTS.........oh my! They would just DIE! It's bad enough to them that the kids and I have to sneak to have Christmas at their house. And to us, that holiday is not religious just tradition......there is no religion involved in it. I have given up all my holidays at home EVERYTHING....I already feel oppressed and I am not even muslim. The few times I have been to the mosque, the air was very negative from other women....like I have no right to be there. On a different note, you know how christians go out to the community and pass literature out and speak to people, How come muslims don't do that? Introduce themselves to the community around them that is not muslim....if we saw them doing that and got to know them it would be a good thing. Here in Richmond it seems that if you aren't Muslim the Masjid doesn't want to be part of anything (like charities, etc.) Why are the willing to ONLY concern themselves with themselves........

Of course terrorism has nothing to do with Islam no matter what the terrorists and the media say. But I think what you mean is that if you converted people would associate those guys with your newfound faith and I hear ya on that one. Converting for us wasn't easy either..man it sounds so good but who wants to be treated like a bad guy for the rest of their lives or wear a scarf or hear for the millionth time that our husband can have 4 wives! I think when people hear about Islam their soul recognizes it immediately and then come the yeah buts and what ifs. We must remember to never judge Islam by the muslims. Islam is perfect, muslims are not. About Christmas, you shouldn't have to sneak to do it. As long as you are just getting together for a meal..which is to uphold the ties of kinship and your parents aren't trying to convert your kids then there is nothing wrong with it. It is all based on intention. If your intention is to teach your kids Christianity together with your parents then that is another story but I don't think that's what you meant. You can also invite your family over for Eid. I also hear you on the part about muslims not reaching out. We as converts are trying our best but get a lot of flack from the mosques..not all but some. Some do reach out but only to politicians..go figure and not the man on the street which I keep telling them is wrong..the message is for everyone. I have done dawah in many ways..inviting the whole school over for Eid, putting pamphlets in people's mailboxes, giving a speech at a church and donating Islamic books to them, donating a subscription to a Muslim magazine to the library...lots of people are reaching out like this but you may not see it but we are really trying even if we are in the minority. But since you can already see the things that are wrong and know how to correct them..you would be a valuable asset to the community to improve the situation. Our mosque does fundraising dinners twice a year for charity and also donates meat and does a canned food drive. Maybe you could suggest to your husband to get the mosque more involved with the outside community. And hey isn't this site a proof that we are trying?

 

[dianek]

I have made suggestions to him....but he says they will not help keiffers, only muslims.....it infuriates me because christian's reach out to ANY ONE........regardless of faith.

You are correct, I do not want the social stigma associated with Islam. And if I were to be Muslim, I can't see wearing a hijab......I couldn't do it. I understand the reasons but it would just be too much I think......

With Christmas my parents do like to give gifts to the children, but as I said there is no religious themes. I took my husband 2 years ago and the whole time he sat there with a nasty face, saying "Stufra alllah ala theme" over and over and told my son to go knock the Santa doll over, etc. I don't know why he acts this way. I never do that to him on his holidays, but I don't participate either.

 

[IslamIsLight]

I have made suggestions to him....but he says they will not help keiffers, only muslims.....it infuriates me because christian's reach out to ANY ONE........regardless of faith.

You are correct, I do not want the social stigma associated with Islam. And if I were to be Muslim, I can't see wearing a hijab......I couldn't do it. I understand the reasons but it would just be too much I think......

With Christmas my parents do like to give gifts to the children, but as I said there is no religious themes. I took my husband 2 years ago and the whole time he sat there with a nasty face, saying "Stufra alllah ala theme" over and over and told my son to go knock the Santa doll over, etc. I don't know why he acts this way. I never do that to him on his holidays, but I don't participate either.

Hi there
Im really sorry to say that but the problem is in him and not Islam and Muslims in general ...
Islam is not how muslims represent it ..
Dont learn Islam from your husband learn it from Quran and Sunnah of the Prophet(peace be upon him) and other authentic sourses
We as muslims have respect the believes of others ...and invite to islam in the nicest possible manner ....
Our Prophet (peace be upon him)
was sent to all the humanity for all races for all people .He loved all the himanity and was kind to everyone
Why the Prophet(PBUH) was rejected because He put it clear that there is no differense between slave and his owner,between wealth and poor ,that we are all brothers and sisters to one another .At that time it was unacceptable ,how the rich can be equal to poor
In front of Allah SWT we are all equal ,we are all His creatures ....
Before worring about hijab or any other social issues ,the most important is just to accept that There is One God and Muhammad is His Messanger ,to believe that God is One ,The Creator of Everything

Al-Ikhlas | 4 verses | Absoluteness سورة الإخلاص
Sura #112 | Makkah

1 Say: He is Allah, the One and Only;
2 Allah, the Eternal, Absolute;
3 He begetteth not, nor is He begotten;
4 And there is none like unto Him.








take care

 

[najbc]

I have made suggestions to him....but he says they will not help keiffers, only muslims.....it infuriates me because christian's reach out to ANY ONE........regardless of faith.

You are correct, I do not want the social stigma associated with Islam. And if I were to be Muslim, I can't see wearing a hijab......I couldn't do it. I understand the reasons but it would just be too much I think......

With Christmas my parents do like to give gifts to the children, but as I said there is no religious themes. I took my husband 2 years ago and the whole time he sat there with a nasty face, saying "Stufra alllah ala theme" over and over and told my son to go knock the Santa doll over, etc. I don't know why he acts this way. I never do that to him on his holidays, but I don't participate either.

Not mean to offend you, but your husband is seem like jerk. he marry you because he love so he should respect your belief. Your husband seems to set the wrong example for some children and give you the wrong idea of Muslims. Off course in every religion, ethnic there are nasty people and your husband is one of them but it will be great lose to you if you let your husband behavior give you the wrong idea of Muslims or influence your interest in Islam. I hope you find what you are lokking for. By the way, meeting him in club should have given you a hint that he was not good Muslim. Forget about your husband and go out by yourself and for yourself and find the true Islam and good Muslims to help you. If your husband tell your son to knock the Santa doll, that is bad environment for your son. You want your children growing up to respect everyone belief.

 

[dianek]

You do not offend me at all. He is a jerk. But like someone said earlier in the post...maybe he is mad at himself for all his mistakes (drinking, womanizing, etc.) and is taken that out on me or mad at me for not being the same as him. I do feel alot that he should have married someone of his own faith and culture....what if's are good for nothing now though. We have 3 kids together. He is a good provider and can be wonderful when it is just he and I alone...but that is never. All I can say is that I am at a crossroads.....either I give up and leave, in which case he will try to keep the children, or I show him that I am trying to follow his faith so he will be happy and kinder to me.

 

[IslamIsLight]

You do not offend me at all. He is a jerk. But like someone said earlier in the post...maybe he is mad at himself for all his mistakes (drinking, womanizing, etc.) and is taken that out on me or mad at me for not being the same as him. I do feel alot that he should have married someone of his own faith and culture....what if's are good for nothing now though. We have 3 kids together. He is a good provider and can be wonderful when it is just he and I alone...but that is never. All I can say is that I am at a crossroads.....either I give up and leave, in which case he will try to keep the children, or I show him that I am trying to follow his faith so he will be happy and kinder to me.

I show him that I am trying to follow his faith so he will be happy and kinder to me

Hi there
Please do
May Allah guide u and give u more understanding of this beautiful faith...:tti_sister:
Kepp learning and searching ....
We are all here with u

Take care

 

[chaandani]

you could try getting a babysitter for the kids and then take him out to dinner to discuss things that are going on. chances are, if you try to talk to him when there are multiple distractions, its not going to be very constructive. ask him about how work is going, how things are with his family, etc, and then slowly ease ur way into how things are at home and then religion, maybe there are things that arent being discussed that really need to be that are the cause of his behavior? either way, you should make it a point to him that he isn't setting a positive role-model for your children by raising them in such a hostile environment and despite you trying your hardest, you dont know what else to do - i.e. explain your feelings. maybe you'll uncover some things...i hope for the best for you and your family

(its also important that you dont try to blame things on him, that'll probably just make him mad)

 

[new-muslim]

Hi
In some ways I know how you are feeling. I have come across many similar situations. As you say you have limited options. I think you should spend time learning more about Islam. I don't think your husband is accepting of your culture/traditions-That's not going to change. Divorce with 3 kids isn't a great option either. Islam is a great religion. Do you ever think of what's going to happen when you die? Where do you go, what's gonna happen? Do you believe in heaven and hell? You should really change religion for yourself and not just for a peaceful life-i.e. a happier husband! Maybe you could find a study group/women's meeting in the mosque. Quite often there's a community there that will be open and friendly. I know what you mean about adapting the whole arab persona. Initially I found it a bit strange but really I see now why certain woman do this. Take it step by step. You believe in God being one. Next step is to find out more about our prophet sws. Who do you think that he was/did? Islam has a reliable hadith system to back up evidence. Do you think it was possible that he received the holy quran? Do you think it was possible that Jesus could walk on water? The creator, Allah, has the power to do anything-including sending a message(quran) to Muhammad sws. It's a learning curve but you also need to think of longterm. What's happening to you, your kids when you die?! I know it sounds harsh but that's a lot what religion has to do with. I know it's difficult, speaking from personal experience, but learn more about Islam. You may say I know about Islam, and I am sure you do but how much. i knew basics, 5 pillars etc but once you learn more you could change your views.

 

[Angela Hillyer]

Hello All! I am a christian, American woman married for 6 years to a muslim man. We have 3 children together and I have 1 from a previous marriage. I try to look into people who "revert" to islam that are like me (American and Female) and most that I have seen do so because they married muslim. I would really like to hear from a some who just read and reverted on their own, not for, as I and others may feel were to please her husband. Sometimes I think about becoming muslim simply to make life with my husband more barable, easier. Other times I am so put off by him that I think I will NEVER convert for any reason. I am stubborn and don't want to miss the truth (in either direction) because of pride and "having to be right". My husband can't discuss religion with me without getting forceful or angry and raising his voice. And this makes me see muslims in a negative light. But then viewing videos on here, I don't see them that way at all. ALSO, why is it that those that convert to Islam also seem to change their ways culturally and begin identifiying as Arabic? If I were to convert, I would still want to have my AMERICAN way about my life, not surround myself and adorn myself in arab clothes......I am so confused. Are there others here that understand?

Hi!!!

I am a new muslim alhamdulilah!! I am not American but Australian and I didn't convert for a man. Yes a man did help me see the truth and answered any questions that i had, but i converted because i wanted to.

Very soon i am going to be covering up, not because i want to be lilke an arab but because i want to be a better muslim. I will cover up for me and no one else. If you become a muslim you should follow everything in the Quran not just the parts that suit you. And the Quran says that muslim women should cover their bodies from head to toe. So that is why we cover, not because our husbands tell us to, but because we obey our Lord.

When i get married one day, Insha-Allah, if my husband likes arab food then i will cook arab food for him because I will want to please him. Muslim women should do everything they can to please their husbands for the sake of Allah (swt). I also like to eat Arab food but i will also still cook the food that i know.

Muslims can get carried away when talking about islam, but that is only because we want everyone to see the truth. Some get over excited and once they start they cant stop. I say good on them!! Alhamdulilah.

Just keep expanding your knowledge on Islam and Insha-Allah if Allah (swt) has plans for you to embrace Islam then you will embrace Islam Insha-Allah.

 

[Angela Hillyer]

I have seen The Message, I have ready "Islam for Dummies" and find there to be some very good things about Islam. But seeing him and what is going on all over the world....it just makes me not want to be part of that. I guess I joined this forum to see if others were like what I am seeing.....I don't understand how they can go and blow themselves and others up and say it is in the name of God, you know? I know how we met was haraam, but that is where I was in life and where he was. I feel like I am living a life that I wasn't given the real truth about in the beginning. Had he been this way when we met, I would not have gone on a date with him at all. I feel I was "tricked"..I have thought many times that I would be a "better Muslim" than him, but I have issues with the dress code and not having a glass of wine should I want it. I feel that I would be oppressed in so many ways. AND MY PARENTS.........oh my! They would just DIE! It's bad enough to them that the kids and I have to sneak to have Christmas at their house. And to us, that holiday is not religious just tradition......there is no religion involved in it. I have given up all my holidays at home EVERYTHING....I already feel oppressed and I am not even muslim. The few times I have been to the mosque, the air was very negative from other women....like I have no right to be there. On a different note, you know how christians go out to the community and pass literature out and speak to people, How come muslims don't do that? Introduce themselves to the community around them that is not muslim....if we saw them doing that and got to know them it would be a good thing. Here in Richmond it seems that if you aren't Muslim the Masjid doesn't want to be part of anything (like charities, etc.) Why are the willing to ONLY concern themselves with themselves........

i agree with that last part. I think muslims should get out there more and show everyone what Islam is all about. Maybe not go around to peoples houses but more information nights about islam at the mosques where anyone is welcome. That would be beautiful if muslims did that more. Masha-Allah.

 

[nyerekareem]

Hello All! I am a christian, American woman married for 6 years to a muslim man. We have 3 children together and I have 1 from a previous marriage. I try to look into people who "revert" to islam that are like me (American and Female) and most that I have seen do so because they married muslim. I would really like to hear from a some who just read and reverted on their own, not for, as I and others may feel were to please her husband. Sometimes I think about becoming muslim simply to make life with my husband more barable, easier. Other times I am so put off by him that I think I will NEVER convert for any reason. I am stubborn and don't want to miss the truth (in either direction) because of pride and "having to be right". My husband can't discuss religion with me without getting forceful or angry and raising his voice. And this makes me see muslims in a negative light. But then viewing videos on here, I don't see them that way at all. ALSO, why is it that those that convert to Islam also seem to change their ways culturally and begin identifiying as Arabic? If I were to convert, I would still want to have my AMERICAN way about my life, not surround myself and adorn myself in arab clothes......I am so confused. Are there others here that understand?

:salam2:

i think it's always important, not to base islam on the acts of some muslims. i say this because not every muslim behaves islamically, and what happens is that non muslims are really seeing culture rather than islam. as far as people becoming arab, they choose to do so. many people just want the world to know that they are proud to be muslim. of course a muslim man can still wear jeans and a t-shirt and still be a good muslim, but that person wants to be identified as a muslim.

 

[Angela Hillyer]

Of course terrorism has nothing to do with Islam no matter what the terrorists and the media say. But I think what you mean is that if you converted people would associate those guys with your newfound faith and I hear ya on that one. Converting for us wasn't easy either..man it sounds so good but who wants to be treated like a bad guy for the rest of their lives or wear a scarf or hear for the millionth time that our husband can have 4 wives! I think when people hear about Islam their soul recognizes it immediately and then come the yeah buts and what ifs. We must remember to never judge Islam by the muslims. Islam is perfect, muslims are not. About Christmas, you shouldn't have to sneak to do it. As long as you are just getting together for a meal..which is to uphold the ties of kinship and your parents aren't trying to convert your kids then there is nothing wrong with it. It is all based on intention. If your intention is to teach your kids Christianity together with your parents then that is another story but I don't think that's what you meant. You can also invite your family over for Eid. I also hear you on the part about muslims not reaching out. We as converts are trying our best but get a lot of flack from the mosques..not all but some. Some do reach out but only to politicians..go figure and not the man on the street which I keep telling them is wrong..the message is for everyone. I have done dawah in many ways..inviting the whole school over for Eid, putting pamphlets in people's mailboxes, giving a speech at a church and donating Islamic books to them, donating a subscription to a Muslim magazine to the library...lots of people are reaching out like this but you may not see it but we are really trying even if we are in the minority. But since you can already see the things that are wrong and know how to correct them..you would be a valuable asset to the community to improve the situation. Our mosque does fundraising dinners twice a year for charity and also donates meat and does a canned food drive. Maybe you could suggest to your husband to get the mosque more involved with the outside community. And hey isn't this site a proof that we are trying?

Salam Alaikom

I just want to say well done duwahforever, your words have inspired me to want to do more!! And it is so true.. Islam is perfect and muslims are not. That why it is important for muslims to try and make the best impression they possibly can about islam so that non-muslims can see what islam is all about.

 

[dawahforever]

Asalaamu Alaikum

Aww..I'm glad I could inspire you. Dawah is so important..I want everyone to discover Islam and at least contemplate it.

Wa salaamu Alaikum
D4E

 

[dianek]

I appreciate all the posts. As I said, I do believe God is one and that Jesus is not "god on earth", I do believe he is the figurative "son of God", not literal son. I wonder how the christians who have converted handled turning their backs on Christ as the Bible states that there is no way to the father except through Christ our savior? Anytime I give thought to some of the truths I have read in the Qu'ran, guilt of denying Christ gets the best of me. A few questions I have too, not to offend anyone, but I need to know what it truly says about the following: Pedophilia, I read that men in Islam are permitted to pleasure themselves with children and infants and animals. Please tell me this is NOT so. I watched an interview on You Tube with an Iranian woman speaking out against this part of Islam. It shocked me. ALSO, for the women on here, it seems Muslim women are so eager to please their husbands, what is done for your pleasure? Don't you tire of catering to a man? Don't you ever just want a break from it all? I watch my husband's mother in Tunis and she is tireless and does everything for everybody. I am afraid she will die young if she keeps up this pace and in all her life, she has NEVER done anything for herself. I was raised that you can't take care of others if you don't take care of yourself. I work a full time job (40+ hours per week), I care for the kids, the housework, laundry, yard work, etc. and I resent my husband for not stepping up and helping me but rather demanding more...I just don't know where your patience comes from. I can't physically do more than I already do and still it is not enough. If I mention my frustration to him, I get told it is the DEVIL in me who is angry about the work. I often wish I had married an American born and bread because then I know that atleast they would care for the lawn, vehicles, and have the same expectations of marriage that I have. Yes, I believe in Heaven and Hell and what happens after death. But as I said, the Bible is instilled in me. I am so confused. The mosque here in Richmond does not really offer "open houses" and when I have been, they were not very welcoming. I understand why you cover as well. I would just not be able to do that and as I understand, it is an option not a requirement....it pleases God but it isn't haraam to not wear hijab. I am open minded and want to know the truth. But it is hard to take it from someone who approaches with such anger and frustration, who curses Jews and curses at the word Jesus. Who has no concern for anyone who is not Muslim. My husband told me while my father was fighting cancer "He is a good man but he is going to hell because he is not muslim...." Can you believe that?

 

[dawahforever]

Oh my goodness you are hearing more bad things about Islam than I ever heard when I was Christian and having a worse example than I ever did. Ok to begin with animals and children..that's absolutely disgusting and is forbidden in Islam. Secondly we do not deny Christ...he is a prophet from God and came with the message of the Good News called the Injil in Arabic. Any muslim who doesn't accept Jesus (peace be upon him) is not a muslim. Christ lilke an other prophet is a way to God because he told us to worship God and that's it. He is not our saviour in the sense that he died on the cross for our sins. Thirdly..catering to your man is a cultural thing mostly..Prophet Muhammad if you read his biography you would see that he took care of himself at home like mending his own shoes. My husband does everything around the house to help me and also outside work..he never sits still..that is the way of the Prophet (peace be upon him). Fourthly as for covering it is the commandment of God and not an option in that sense..its an option in the sense that all people have free will but it will be counted as a sin on the day of Judgement. But like others said the focus when learning Islam should be on the oneness of God and then learning how to pray etc after converting. Things like wearing hijab etc come after when you are more settled into the religion. When you become muslim you want to do more and more for God and this feels natural and makes you happy. Fifthly your husband and the muslim community there needs to get a lesson in adab (muslim manners). Muslims must respect all religions and it is a duty to do missionary work by saying at least one sentence from the Quran to everyone you know as well as helping anyone in need regardless of thier religion or lack thereof. I can really feel your anger and I am wondering isn't there at least one nice muslim in your community that you could turn to?

 

[dianek]

The only muslims I know are him and his male friends. A few of their wives converted but I couldn't help but think it is because they had little self-esteem and wanted to do what their husbands wanted of them, though they seem happy enough. I guess I am angry in a sense. I am being hurt by his ways only to be told that he is that way because I am not muslim. I don't understand if having a muslim wife was so important then why did he marry me? I never said I would convert and he never asked before we were married. I feel as though I was trapped into a life style that I didn't chose for myself. Not that I would never have chosen it on my own, but would prefer a choice like that to be mine and in my own time......not because he is Muslim so I have to at least in his eyes live like I am muslim. I am so tired of not being what he expects. My husband thinks his sole job is to earn and hoard money for the things that are important to HIM. He does not so much as wash a dish unless he needs to use it. I have never met anyone so lazy unless it is something he wants.
I am glad to know that what the Iranian lady said is not correct. I was horrified when I heard her say that. Thank you all for listening and advising and I WISH some of you were nearby so that I could meet you.