Divorce on Accident?

[rtbour]

I have a question. I was reading up on Islam and marriage today, and I found something that said if a man says "I divorce you!" three times in a row, the woman is divorced. I appologize, but I don't remember exactly where I read this, because I read a lot of things about Islam today. Well, here is the problem. A long time ago, my husband did that to me. At the time, I looked at him like he was stupid and said "It doesn't work that way, sweetie. Sorry." We were fighting, as we did a lot during that time, and he said a lot of mean things to me.
Things did improve for awhile, but they have taken a turn for the worse recently. Last night, for example, he called me a piece of sh*t like 5 times. My husband has issues. He doesn't respect me as much as he should. I have been doing my best to follow Islam, and trying to keep calm and remind him of Allah when he talks like this to me. Sometimes, when I remind him of Allah, he says "F*ck Allah." We all know he can't talk like that! He was born muslim, and is STILL talking like that. Bad!
Anyway, today I saw this information about divorce, and I am wondering if we are even technically married anymore! We live in America, where you can't get legally divorced without going to court and getting a lawyer, so I am wondering if under all these circumstances, if we are still married or if we are divorced. He knew what he meant when he said it, but I just realized it today. Help please!

 

[rtbour]

And if this divorce is valid, he may deny he said it, or have honestly forgotten that he said it. What should I do?

 

[a_brother]

Asalamo Alaikom sister

sorry to hear of what happened...

best thing to do is to talk to a knowledgeable imam in your area.... you may find a close by or call masjids to make an appointment from link below...
http://www.islamicfinder.org/

if non, you may ask in these two websites
http://www.islam-qa.com/en
http://www.islamweb.net/ver2/MainPage/indexe.php

May Allah give you patience and help you in all of your affairs

 

[palestine]

all i know is that even if the man says i divorce you just while playing around, you are actually divorced. but if it only happened once he can say "raja'tu" in order to get that marriage back. so that would mean if he says that then you guys are back together. salam. allahu'a'lam.
ps: even in a situation where there is an arguement the word divorce should not be uttered unless you are both seriously considering leaving each other. it is not a playful word.

 

[amirah80]

:salam2:

What I know about this is the man says you are divorced 3 times on different occassions then you are divorced. But he must not say it when he is angry it must be said when he is calm and thinking with a clear head so to speak. And if he divorces you 3 times then it is valid and you would have to marry another man without the intentions of divorce and if that does not work out then you can remarry him. If he says he did not mean it then the marriage is still valid because only him and Allah know if he meant it. I know in the USA we can not get a divorce without paperwork but for religious purposes you would be divorced. But I think he he was shouting and cussing Allah :astag: Inshallah he did not mean you are divorced and inshallah he repents for disrespecting Allah Ta'ala.
Also there are more conditions to divorce once it is done to allow time for reconciliation and a husband can not divorce while on the period until after a prescribed time to ensure there is not a pregnancy.

Salam Sister i will post you daleel for divorce Amirah80

 

[amirah80]

:salam2:

Fatwa 2273

Could you please let me know according to the Shafi mishep, if a man can give his wife Talaaq tree(3) times at once.


Praise be to Allaah.

Giving talaaq (divorce) three times at once is bid’ah, and goes against the aayah (interpretation of the meaning): “… When you divorce women, divorce them at their ‘iddah (prescribed periods)…” [al-Talaaq 65:1]. If a Muslim wants to divorce his wife, he should divorce her according to the Sunnah, which is to give one talaaq at a time when his wife is taahir (not menstruating) and he has not yet had intercourse with her following her period, or when it is clear that she is pregnant. According to the Shaafi’i madhhab and the majority of other madhhabs, giving three talaaqs at once counts as three separate talaaqs and is irrevocable, and the couple cannot remarry until the woman has been married to and divorced from another man. Other scholars say that three talaaqs given at once count as only one talaaq.

And Allaah knows best.

Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid

 

[amirah80]

:salam2:
Fatwa 21413

I have three urgent and, I believe,very imporatant questions about Divorce (Talaq).
1. Is what is known in the west as SEPARATION permitted in Islam? A muslim husband and wife with children living in the west are seriously considering divorce. Somebody suggested trying Separation first. The husband would move out to a place nearby but since they are still married there would be no problem comming in the house at any time. He would still continue to support the family in every respect.
2. For consummated marriage and with first Talaq, when does Eddah end? Is it the end of the third period (bleeding) or the beginning of the fourth one?
3. What is permitted during Eddah that would not constitute end of Talaq? I know that sexual intercourse is not, but is kissing, touching and hugging ok?


Praise be to Allaah.

With regard to the first question, the answer depends on the circumstances. If what is intended by this action is to reduce the level of tension in the relationship, then they will come back together, or as a trial separation to see what effect that will have on them and their children so that it will help them to take a decision, and they both agree to this temporary separation, then there is nothing wrong with that.

If this is a decision that they have both taken, and have agreed to separate from one another without divorcing, then it should be said that if the woman foregoes the rights that she will lose through this separation, and he also foregoes his rights over her, and they think that this is in their best interests and those of their children, and the place where the woman and her children will stay is a safe place where they will not suffer neglect, then that is permissible, subject to these conditions. But if she wants intimacy and he does not want to do that, or there is the fear that she may do something wrong whilst she is still married to him, and the like, then he should divorce her, but still continue to spend on his children. And Allaah knows best.

With regard to the second question: the ‘iddah of a divorced woman who has periods, with whom the marriage has been consummated and who is not pregnant, is a matter concerning which classical and contemporary scholars have differed. The view which is regarded as most correct by the majority of contemporary scholars, such as Shaykh Ibn Baaz and Ibn ‘Uthaymeen, and others, is that the ‘iddah ends when three menstrual periods have passed, and as soon as the third period ends, the ‘iddah ends. This is the view of many of the major Sahaabah such as ‘Umar ibn al-Khattaab, ‘Ali ibn Abi Taalib and Ibn Mas’ood, and it was narrated by Ibn al-Qayyim from Abu Bakr, Abu Moosa and others (may Allaah be pleased with them all). (See Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/310; Fataawa al-Talaaq by Shaykh Ibn Baaz, 193; Jaami’ Ahkaam al-Nisa’, 4/243).
With regard to the third question: “The women whose divorce is revocable (i.e., first or second talaaq) may uncover in front of her husband and adorn herself and wear make-up and perfume. She may speak to him and he may speak to her; she may sit with him and do anything with him apart from intercourse and the things that lead to it; that may only happen when he takes her back. (Shaykh Ibn ‘Uthaymeen, Fataawa Islamiyyah, 3/310)

If he kisses and embraces his wife with the intention of taking her back, then that taking back is valid, with no difference of opinion among the scholars. But if he does not intend to take her back, then some scholars say that it is permissible on the grounds that she is his wife, but that it does not mean that he has taken her back; other scholars say that embracing and kissing etc. are precursors to intercourse, so the one who does them is sinning if he does not intend to take her back. To be on the safe side, he should not do that until after he has clearly stated that he is taking her back, such as saying to his wife, “I am taking you back,” and two Muslim witnesses bear witness to his taking her back by him saying in front of them, “I ask you to bear witness that I am taking my wife So and so back,” and the like. Then he may do whatever he likes of permissible things. And Allaah knows best.

(See Subul al-Salaam, 2/267).


Islam Q&A
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid

 

[dianek]

Hey Sweetie, it's me! I believe it has to be said on 3 separate occasions and clear mindedly.......but, for me, if that were to happen....and it was truly a divorce.....I would count my blessings and kick him out for saying such harsh words, so nasty. To me, if this is valid, you would have an easy out. Unless of course, like me, in spite of their vicious attitudes and cycles of insanity those few moments of good keep you tied to him....we'll talk later! Thinking of you!

Diane

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

Please speak to one with knowledge. Divorce is not a game. Please keep in mind that you are not the one who holds anger. When he is upset..give him space..it is his issues. I often think when someone is angry they are really having a temper tantrum and are totally unaware of what they are saying and doing. Repeat a sura to yourself that gives you comfort. Keep your eyes lowered. You are not the one who is in turmoil. Nor are you going to allow his anger to afflict your being. No.
Forgive me but often I see this as a test from Allah subhana talla for our patience. How do we continue. We keep in mind this is a simple test and we fill ourselves with the love and strenght of Allah subhana talla. This is your coat to wear. Once the tantrum is over allow your husband to speak to you as if you have forgiven him..and let the next moment be a moment of love and acceptance. I pray this gives you some comfort.

 

[Phoyage]

:salam2:
I heard about it too.

 

[rtbour]

thanks everyone. as usual, you have been very helpful!!!

 

[Salem9022]

check www.islam-qa.com for the answer, or fatwa-online. sorry for posting I thought the initial question was about khulu lol.

 

[TruthSeeker17]

my goodness

i feel sorry for you sister, you deserve better! maybe you should get divorced and find another muslim man who will take better care of you and not dissrespect you like he did......i believe that a man who disrespects women like that are an insult to men everywhere!!!

 

[palestine]

i feel sorry for you sister, you deserve better! maybe you should get divorced and find another muslim man who will take better care of you and not dissrespect you like he did......i believe that a man who disrespects women like that are an insult to men everywhere!!!

so agree. but be patient sister. and as for me i would never judge one man by the action of another. cause i know of many men who say "ugh we don't want a daughter, we want a son", hello. but anyways i still have the hope of those who love both genders and who accept which ever is given to them by allah. swt. asalamu alaykum and truthseeker don't ever count yourself with those who are disrespectful cause from your post i can tell your not. and i hope you're not.
asalamu alaykum.

 

[amirah80]

:salam2:

Sister just be patient I know when someone is disrecting you it is hard. Inshallah your husband apologizes and is sincere. Divorce is permissable in Islam but we know it is better to stay married and work it out. I am married and I will be honest with you my husband has probably said some things at one point in our relationship to me I will not dare repeat. Of course I was upset and hurt and in the midst of that I am sure I said something to him probably worst out of anger. But its not impossible to get past it. Remember Allah loves the one who forgives. Even one also makes mistakes some make bigger than others but they are still mistakes. Also men get stressed and sometime it gets the best of them the same with us. I feel you pain sis because I have been there so I am not saying this things because it seems like the right thing to say to you. But my husband has said he divorced me before and has called me names. Alhumdulilah we worked through it and now my marriage is better than ever. They say the first 5 years of marriage is the hardest. I believe it because I was tested alot. But dont let the Shaytan get the best of both of you. Remember when it said the Jinn told the Shaytan something about what he had done that day and the Shaytan said ok and the another Jinn said guess what I did today I broke up a married couple and The Shaytan pulled the Jinn close and whispered to him that he was the best. If I said it a little out of context Allah forgive me. So Sister this tells us the Shaytan is going to keep at us married folks. Try to maintain and make Du'aa for the prayer to Allah is all powerful. Inshallah when Allah knows your intentions of wanting to be with this man and be a good wife to him inshallah Allah corrects his faults. Be strong sis and make Du'aa alot and try to make it work for the Sake of Allah. I prayed sister and it worked for me and I am not any better than you.

Salam sister Amirah80

 

[dianek]

I find it really.....SAD......that advice to stay in an abusive situation is acceptable to you all. Why do you accept behavior from men like this?????? So you can achieve Heaven??????? Why not let the one who continuously hurts us go and find another who will treat us the way we should be treated.......achieve Heaven with a man that deserves our hearts. I don't think that God intended for women to accept harsh attitutes and abuse at the hands of a man! I know that many of you are going to attack me on this. I have been married 7 years and I can tell you that some of the things he has said or done to me they don't go away....they stay in your thoughts and resurface constantly, they break down your spirit and break you........the only way that these type of marriages "get better" is if us woman just start being meek and mild and accept that we don't deserve any better than this.....and I for one don't believe that is the right way to go. And this excuse about men being tired or a bad day.......how would he respond to you if you acted the way he did because YOU had a bad or was upset.....You'd likely get the crap knocked out of you for speaking as they do. Stop condoning Double Standards....hold these pathetic men accountable!

 

[amirah80]

I find it really.....SAD......that advice to stay in an abusive situation is acceptable to you all. Why do you accept behavior from men like this?????? So you can achieve Heaven??????? Why not let the one who continuously hurts us go and find another who will treat us the way we should be treated.......achieve Heaven with a man that deserves our hearts. I don't think that God intended for women to accept harsh attitutes and abuse at the hands of a man! I know that many of you are going to attack me on this. I have been married 7 years and I can tell you that some of the things he has said or done to me they don't go away....they stay in your thoughts and resurface constantly, they break down your spirit and break you........the only way that these type of marriages "get better" is if us woman just start being meek and mild and accept that we don't deserve any better than this.....and I for one don't believe that is the right way to go. And this excuse about men being tired or a bad day.......how would he respond to you if you acted the way he did because YOU had a bad or was upset.....You'd likely get the crap knocked out of you for speaking as they do. Stop condoning Double Standards....hold these pathetic men accountable!

:salam2:

I sad but that you are normally sad or disagree with everything.

I am not saying it is ok because he gets stressed by we are humans and these things happen the same as I stated in my post I get stressed and have been known to say bad things to my husband as well. Did he hit me, No. Agruement, yes. Also, you said you are married 7 years. Are you still married or divorced? If you are still married how if you said all of that in your post and if your are divorced because somebody can make mistakes and say things that they dont me at times then this wont be the last. I am sure all married people will say at some point in there married they have things that are not even neccessary unless they were married yesterday. Also, I am not saying divorce is just not am option but let that be your last resort after you exhausted all measures. I do not feel because he says things at certain times that if he sincerely means it that is will consistently resurface. That is not fact it is possibly but maybe not. We as human muslims, christains whatever make mistakes, apologize,try to mean it and not do it again if they choose. I did not see her say he beat her up and stuff like that. I swear I saw her write agrueing saying unnecessary which I constitute as mental abuse sure I will go with that. But as a muslim she needs to exhaust all options and follow the commands of Allah and result to divorce as the last option. If she can not do that she can ask for divorce. But the point is there is room for change and I dont want here to take advice from someone to just up and leave without even knowing how to give her advice as a based off our religion. I am from the west and I here woman all the time tell another woman what to do with her husband and she either doesnt have one or have one that said about the same thing and she with him but want you to leave yours. The sister is looking for help and guidance based off her religion and that is all that matters. No man should be abused sister but in see makes Du'aa about it Allah we guide her better than you or me. But my point is it is not impossible for him to change mines did. I was tested and I passed Alhumdulilah.

 

[dianek]

I am still married but I have finally put him in his place. I have my relationship now where I want it........which is not under his thumb or constantly living an offensive to his moods. NO. He knows now that I have no problems walking anymore. It took me a long time to get the strenght enough to start making it known that I won't tolerate his crap any longer. And now, if he is starting to mouth off, I look at him and say you can speak nicely or leave.....and it now has started to work! I am not advising her to divorce him....what I am saying is that he shouldn't be able to do mentally abuse her and have no consequences. I don't know about your husband but I do know that many of us marry these men thinking they are one way to find out that after they have you they are totally different. I am not pulling that out of nowhere either......I am living it and know many women who are as well. The man you married is not the same man you end up with. And mental abuse almost always gives way to physical abuse.

 

[amirah80]

I am still married but I have finally put him in his place. I have my relationship now where I want it........which is not under his thumb or constantly living an offensive to his moods. NO. He knows now that I have no problems walking anymore. It took me a long time to get the strenght enough to start making it known that I won't tolerate his crap any longer. And now, if he is starting to mouth off, I look at him and say you can speak nicely or leave.....and it now has started to work! I am not advising her to divorce him....what I am saying is that he shouldn't be able to do mentally abuse her and have no consequences. I don't know about your husband but I do know that many of us marry these men thinking they are one way to find out that after they have you they are totally different. I am not pulling that out of nowhere either......I am living it and know many women who are as well. The man you married is not the same man you end up with. And mental abuse almost always gives way to physical abuse.

:salam2:

Now that makes better sense what you are saying because at first you dont understand why and all that. I am like you here I was in the same place and now it is working for me like it is you. So we agree. My post was to let this sister know it was not impossible to turn into a healthy relationship. Ok we finally can see eye to eye on something. LOL You are growing on me LOL


Salam Amirah80

 

[dianek]

Yeah it is working now that I finally "BROKE" him......like I said....put him in his place........I believe you have to do that! You have to show them they are not the be all and end all of who you are! Life can exist without them and when they see you mean it......sometimes they shape up......it took me years of embarrassing him about "not being manly" because he doesn't do manly chores, I do....so I told him if he wants to be the Man of the HOUSE.....stop leaving the man work to me! I had to break the man he became to get him to the man I wanted him to be. Plain and simple......