Please

[trying2learn]

I am asking for dua for my step-daughter. She is on a bad road, in which her mother is allowing her to walk. She makes bad choices, and is preoccupied with the bad things (eg. Boys and the three letter s-word) she has been getting mean with me when I try to get her to read the Qur'an and she does not listen to me when I tell her to dress modestly (no shorts and tank tops). I fear that she will contine and lead my daughter down the wrong way as well, and i fear she will end up pregnant before she is done with high school. I feel this situation is critical and I ask you to make dua for Olivia, she is 14 and in 9th grade, and she knows many girls with babies and toddlers, who are all her age. I have been told that her actions will affect my daughter later in her life, like when it comes time for my daughter to marry. I am trying to teach my children as well as my step-children Islam, my step son Omar is more accepting and want to learn, although he is struggling with learning he is 11 years old. Thank you so much.

 

[queenislam]

~May Allah swt help and guide her~Amin!


:salam2:

:ma:

You are such a care and wonderful mother,
~Alhamdulillah!

~May Allah swt reward you for your kindness to your children~Amin!

Do not worry sister she will listen to you eventually .Remenber you must always reminding her the consequences and mother du'a for her children are the nearest to Allah swt ~make good du'a only!
Can you make her join TTI mybe we can help to sort this out together and she will learn something from here insya allah!

~May Allah swt help and guide her~Amin!

And

~May Allah swt protect and help all muslim~Amin!

Eid Mubarak!
Thank you,
Take Care,

~Wassalam

 

[Seeking Allah's Mercy]

:salam2:wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu....


Allah will help you out sister.your hard work with your children will not got to waste.try a different way to reach out to Olivia.try to amke friends with her so she'd start rusting you.since she leading a life that totally wrong according to our beliefs it could be that she feels it's always advices at your end.ignore some stuff and correct some inshallah.

sister,Allah is with you.the best a muslim can do is to pray.so inshallah make duas.Allah will do what's best for everybody
May Allah guide her and us all to the right path.ameen

take care

 

[JenGiove]

Sister Trying,

Unfortunatly, you are only her step-parent and in this country, that amounts to not much if the birth mother is involved in her life. I do not know if this applies with children or not so please forgive me if I am stepping out of turn but, remember, Islam can not be forced upon someone, they can only be shown the door and if they coose to walk through, then so be it. Untill then, what you CAN do and what you have the RIGHT to do, in this country, is set down some house rules.

1) While in your house, she must dress modestly and not swear.
2) While in your house, she will not speak with boys or listen to music....
3) While in your house, she will sit and listen to the Qur'an with respect....meaning no eye rolling, no slouching, no pouting...

You can make as many rules as you wish. It is your home and while she is in it, she must respect that. Otherwise, she can not come over (I'm assuming of course that her father and her mother have shared custody...meaning she spends some time living with her mom and some living with dad and you.)

I would advice AGAINST forcing her to join TTI. It would only give her another "weapon" to hate you and Islam with. Right now, her hormones are out of control and thus, make her out of control. Being only the wife of her father has no sway with her. I'm sorry for you and I know it will be hard. In this situation, you may not be able to save her NOW, but inshallah, as she gets into adulthood (20's), she will level her behaviour out and be more approachable.

I will say dua for your patience.....you're going to need it. Remember, to her, you may be nothing more than a stranger she knows. Don't worry about pregnancy. Its really only the rare cases where kids have kids....but wasn't Aisha only 9 when she got married to the Prophet?

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

You can not fight with a 14 year old. She needs a lot of space. If you try to control her too much it will lead to more conflict.
You can not worry about her getting pregnant. She won't. The only one who can teach her the virtue of sex is you. Talk to her in a gentle manner. Get on the web and discuss what the outcome of sex is and the responsibility of sex. At 14 they are still babies and have no clue. I am not advocating premarital sex. I am advocating knowledge. Have her spend time in activities that would be beneficial. Most school now mandate volunteer work. Drive her to the organizations. Become active in giving your step-daughter choices.
Please include her as your daughter. See her in a positive light. Talk to her biological mother. You are the one who with love can be the most instrumental figure in her life, Insha"Allah.

 

[trying2learn]

I have tried to talk to her mother about her, her mother screams at me and calls my husband bad names for being muslim, and said she would do whatever it took to make sure her children did not follow their father and become muslims. (my husband was born muslim he is not a revert), I tried to take religion out of the conversation with her mother and speak purely as a woman, about my concern, and still she screamed at me.



I worry about pregnancy because when she was 13 she asked me to take her to the doctor for birth control pills. And my husband does not share custody, he only has visitation so we see them 4 days a month)

 

[Seeking Allah's Mercy]

I have tried to talk to her mother about her, her mother screams at me and calls my husband bad names for being muslim, and said she would do whatever it took to make sure her children did not follow their father and become muslims. (my husband was born muslim he is not a revert), I tried to take religion out of the conversation with her mother and speak purely as a woman, about my concern, and still she screamed at me.



I worry about pregnancy because when she was 13 she asked me to take her to the doctor for birth control pills. And my husband does not share custody, he only has visitation so we see them 4 days a month)

*hugs*it's so sad if this women really is using her daughter out of her anger to get to yousister the best way is that you try to get closer to her.because to tell you the truth when a person does evil (and an evil this big)it eats him internally whether or not he realises he's doing evil.this girl really need help,that's why she's being rude and all.may Allah help you.

 

[JenGiove]

Sister Trying,

As a child of divorce, with a father I saw only once a week, I saw the hatred between my mother and father each week. I was "assaulted" with my mother's outrage at my father and I felt my father's anger towards my mother.

You and your step-daughter are being used as hate weapons by the mother. You, as the "replacement wife" and Islam, as the "terrorist training camp" religion. Neither is true but spousal hate is powerful.....more than you realize. I will be facing that soon enough and I hope that I will not be my mother when it happens, inshallah.

Listen to Aapa about space. Implement the "rules" suggestion I mentioned (adjusting the rules to fit your needs).

As for the step-daughter, she is going to turn to the one thing that has "always been there for her"....her friends. Her music. She will try to "tune you out" and she will have huge temper tantrums (all teenagers are toddlers with hormones). Enjoy your ramadan-like lessons on patience.

 

[ShyHijabi]

:salam2:

Pregnancy would be the least of my concerns, birth control pills do not protect against HIV, Gonnorhea, Clamydia, or Syphilis. The bare minimum these diseases can do is make her infertile, the maximum is death.

Unfortunately she is not in your primary custody so htere is almost no effect you can have on her. Her mother sounds like she is not fit to parent frankly. I am sorry you are going through this but it's not your responsibility. Her father should definitely step in and take control of the situation though. I mean, we are talking about his daughter getting a disease and dying from it, does he realize how serious this is???

But you need to place this completely in your husband's hands and let him deal with it. While this child is in your house I would make it clear that there is a dress code and way you comport yourself. If she does not abide by the house rules then she gets zero priviledges. And her father needs to be the one who enforces this. You need ot be a united front on this matter.

 

[Almaas]

Asalaamu'alaykum.

During the teenage years, a girls emotions are all over the place. She's probably just confused and definitely in need of some guidance, preferably someone to talk to and to edge her in the right direction, (before it's too late).

Spend some time with her separately, maybe take her out? You don't need to necessarily become her mother, but more like a friend; basically someone she can trust and easily talk to. Eventually, InshAllah, she'll open up and you can guide her. I know you said you only see her 4 days a month, which is not much, but you could communicate in other ways, like texting, emailing or calling?

The more a person shouts and screams at you, the more you try to push them away and block your ears. However, when someone caring welcomes you with open and loving arms, it's hard not to jump into them. It doesn't mean you have to be a complete softie with her, still be firm so you're not played.

It's just a suggestion, but I hope this helps, InshAllah, and I hope you find a solution. I'll remember her in my dua3s.

 

[saima abdullah]

may Allah help you in every hard ship ............dear sister always remember our hearts are in hand of Allah may He move your children's hearts towards His obedience and islam:tti_sister::tti_sister::tti_sister:

 

[Asja]

I will say dua for your patience.....you're going to need it. Remember, to her, you may be nothing more than a stranger she knows. Don't worry about pregnancy. Its really only the rare cases where kids have kids....but wasn't Aisha only 9 when she got married to the Prophet?

Dear sister "trying2learn, may Allah help you on your way in advicing your step daughter,and protect her from doing any evil Inshallah and protect her always.

I do not understand why is our Prophet sallahu alayha wa salam mentioned here,and I do not think it is good to say how our Prophet sallahu alaha wa salam married Aisha r.a. without any explination, especialy to new Muslim. First of all, Allahs Messanger sallahu alaha wa salam married Aisha r.a. in her young ages, but we do not know did she had exactly 9 years or more, neither how she looked in that time, as it has past a loot of time since they lived.

And Allah subhan we teala knows the best.

 

[Kakorot]

I will say dua for your patience.....you're going to need it. Remember, to her, you may be nothing more than a stranger she knows. Don't worry about pregnancy. Its really only the rare cases where kids have kids....but wasn't Aisha only 9 when she got married to the Prophet?

Hi, yes it is true A'isha (may Allaah be pleased with her) was married to the Prophet peace be upon him, when she was nine but please read with an open mind as to why this was the case.

Why was A’isha (Radhi Allaahu ‘Anha) so Young?

Firstly, it should be pointed out that this contention was never raised by any of the early critics of the Prophet :saw2: . Rather, it is an allegation that became notorious post-enlightenment. Thus, had there been the slightest hint of impropriety, the early critics of the Prophet would have definitely raised this contention. (Even the Quraysh didn’t criticize the Prophet).

Secondly, not only was it customary in Arabia to get married at the age of puberty, but it was customary in the Christian western world as well. Here are some examples:

Imaam ash-Shaafi’ee said, “During my stay in Yemen, I have come across girls who began menstruation at the age of nine.” Siyar A’laam Al-Nubaala’: 10/91

Imaam al-Bayhaqi narrated that Imaam ash-Shaafi’ee said, “I have seen in the city of Sana’a a grandmother while she was twenty one. She menstruated at the age of nine and gave birth at the age of 10.” Sunan al-Bayhaqee al-Kubra’: 1/319

Ibn al-Jawzee narrated similar stories from Ibn ‘Uqail and ‘Ubaad al-Mahlby, Tahqeeq Fi hadeeth al-Khilaaf: 2/267

It is also narrated that the companion ‘Abdullaah bin ‘Amr bin al-’Aas became a grandfather at the age of 23 or 26.

In Greek and Roman literature, many citations can be found of women getting married at puberty.

In our times, the states of Alabama and New Hampshire allow a girl of 13 and 14 to marry with guardian consent.

Thirdly, it is also important to note that at no point in time was any discontent shown by A’isha, but rather she loved the Prophet :saw2: dearly. This is manifested in the fact that, with her sharp and intelligent mind, she went on to become one of the five top narrators of Hadeeth from all of the Companions. This alludes to greater wisdom behind this marriage as well.

Lastly, it is important to note that just because we are unable to perceive and fathom maturity at such young ages (due to the times in which we live, where at 17, one is still considered a minor and unaccountable for one’s actions), it does not mean that it did not previously exist. Thus, it is clear that claims that such wives were too young are baseless, and it is rather just a case of difference of place and time.

Btw, why did you mention this in the first place, if you don't mind me asking? What's it got to do with this thread?

 

[JenGiove]

Sisters,

First, allow me to apologize as my words seemed to have given the mistaken impression that I was making a judgment against Aisha. I was not.

Trying2Learn posted:...she is 14 and in 9th grade, and she knows many girls with babies and toddlers, who are all her age.

I was trying (and failed) to make an Islamic reference/reassurance about Olivia's age.....it failed miserably and I'm sorry.

Channa posted:In our times, the states of Alabama and New Hampshire allow a girl of 13 and 14 to marry with guardian consent.

I looked it up:
My home state...
Massachusetts: 18 for first marriage, 14 (male) 12 (female) with parental and judicial consent.

My current state...
Maryland: 18, 16 with parental consent.

Alabama: 18, 16 with parental consent.

New Hampshire: 18, 14 for males and 13 for females, in cases of "special cause" with parental consent and court permission.

....and for interesting information...
Egypt: 18 (per the new child protection law).

Libya: 20, lower with judicial permission on grounds of benefit or necessity and with wali's agreement.

Afghanistan: 18 for males and 16 for females, more than half of marriages involve females under 16

Iran: 18 for male, 16 for female

Iraq: 18, 15 with judicial permission if fitness, physical capacity and guardian's consent (or unreasonable objection on part of guardian) are established. (May or may not have been revised after Saddam Hussein's fall.)

Kuwait: No minimum marriage age identified; capacity to marry requires parties to be of age (puberty) and of sound mind, however, no notarisation or registration of marriage permitted where female has not reached 15 years or male 17 years.

Lebanon: 18 for males and 17 for females; scope for judicial discretion on basis of physical maturity and wali's permission from 17 for males and 9 for females; real puberty or 15/9 with judicial permission for Shi'a; 18/17 or 16/15 with judicial permission for Druze.

Pakistan: 18 for males, 16 for females.

Saudi Arabia: None currently, legislation for age 18 is being considered.

Sri Lanka: 18. However, Muslims can be excluded from this regulation because the Muslim Marriage and Divorce Act of 1951 states that a girl must be 12 years of age or have a Quazi's permission to marry before contracting into marriage. This is applicable only for Muslims in Sri Lanka[/QUOTE]

Channa,
I understand that way back then, people grew up faster, had more responsibility earlier and died alot earlier as well. Here in the states, the same held true. Girls in the western frontier were married at an equally young age and historic homes tell the story of how the average adult height and width has changed. Doorways were shorter and narrower and beds were lower to the floor.

I truly meant no disrespect to Aisha...

 

[BrotherInIslam7]

Asalaamu'alaykum.

During the teenage years, a girls emotions are all over the place. She's probably just confused and definitely in need of some guidance, preferably someone to talk to and to edge her in the right direction, (before it's too late).

Spend some time with her separately, maybe take her out? You don't need to necessarily become her mother, but more like a friend; basically someone she can trust and easily talk to. Eventually, InshAllah, she'll open up and you can guide her. I know you said you only see her 4 days a month, which is not much, but you could communicate in other ways, like texting, emailing or calling?

The more a person shouts and screams at you, the more you try to push them away and block your ears. However, when someone caring welcomes you with open and loving arms, it's hard not to jump into them. It doesn't mean you have to be a complete softie with her, still be firm so you're not played.

It's just a suggestion, but I hope this helps, InshAllah, and I hope you find a solution. I'll remember her in my dua3s.

:salam2:

I like sister g2k1's advice a lot. Jazaki Allahu Khayran sister. InshaAllah the sister will benefit from this advice.

Sister 'trying2learn', I will mention a few obvious things regarding getting your step children interested in Islam.

Youngsters these days have varying interests and learn about interesting subjects through different mediums. So if we want to get them to gain some knowledge on a specific subject, we should find out what topics interest/intrigue them the most and then the medium that they are most comfortable with.

So if they are in to reading books, InshaAllah you can purchase some well written books about Islam. That too which caters especially to their interest. It can books on science (in Islam), history (of Islam), short stories (of pious men of Islam) etc etc.

Also, we have some very excellent audio and video lectures on Islam geared towards non muslims. So if they like to hear stuff on their Ipods or spend long hours on youtube, you can try and find interesting material that they will listen/watch InshaAllah.

If you need any help with searching for interesting books/audio files/video lectures, we can all help you with that InshaAllah.

May Allah azz zawajal grant them hidayah and protect them. Ameen

Wasalaamalaykum waa rahmatullahi

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

As her mother is not a Muslim it seems that the father has little concern. You see the child for 4 days. Ease up sister. Do girly things with her on the weekends she is there.

And do not be jealous of her. Do not compare her to your own daughter. Make dua.

Be kind and gentle..she needs a home with no pressure and love. Do not chase her away. She is a child. Her father has a new family with little room for her.

I am speaking out of love. If she feels she is "bad" she will not spend time with her father.

 

[trying2learn]

Her Father has ALOT of concern, but no money to get a lawyer to change it, and I am NOT jealous of her, where did THAT come from? I appreciate very much all the help from everyone, but it is a very BAD situation, and she is heading down a bad path, if we sit back and ignore it hoping she will realize it on her own, we have a better chance of seeing pigs fly. We want to open her eyes and are not sure how to do it, we want to help her now, not after it is too late (and by too late I mean worst possible circumstanes).

 

[queenislam]

Leave it to Allah swt.

I have tried to talk to her mother about her, her mother screams at me and calls my husband bad names for being muslim, and said she would do whatever it took to make sure her children did not follow their father and become muslims. (my husband was born muslim he is not a revert), I tried to take religion out of the conversation with her mother and speak purely as a woman, about my concern, and still she screamed at me.



I worry about pregnancy because when she was 13 she asked me to take her to the doctor for birth control pills. And my husband does not share custody, he only has visitation so we see them 4 days a month)

Her Father has ALOT of concern, but no money to get a lawyer to change it, and I am NOT jealous of her, where did THAT come from? I appreciate very much all the help from everyone, but it is a very BAD situation, and she is heading down a bad path, if we sit back and ignore it hoping she will realize it on her own, we have a better chance of seeing pigs fly. We want to open her eyes and are not sure how to do it, we want to help her now, not after it is too late (and by too late I mean worst possible circumstanes).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

:salam2:

Calm down sister!~Say:astaghfirullah al azim :astag:

Now:
1.Father is muslim .

2.Mother is a non muslim.

3.so is she a muslim???

4.They had settle it in court over her .

5.This is going out of hand quite long she is 14yrs and torn apart!

6.I do concern about her but sister remenber that here you have done more
i guess there's not much you can do but leave it to Allah swt.

7.Frankly,she become like what her mother had nuture her and she 14years(muslim or not)we don't know.

8.If she comes to you that fine but what the use if she only leave her trouble behind and take away your bright and shinning sunshine for your family???
She has the brain if she think what is good for her and she insist to decide on that let her,her mother don't care and she won't listen to you and you've told her the consequences she smart enough(9th grade) to think what is best for her.
Leave it to Allah swt.

8.Stay focus on your husband and family.You have a beautiful family:ma:
Precious and treasure them,Stop worrying too much!
Do Not Scold your husband and arguing on bad history!This lead to no where but more trouble:astag:

9.So the sky is bright the day is beautiful cherish your love.




~May Allah swt help and guide you~Amin!

:maur bros and sisters did very good back there helping and backing each other~May Allah swt reward them~Amin!

~May Allah swt shower blesses upon all muslim~Amin!

Take care!
Thank you,

~Wassalam

 

[aslamjiffry]

May Allah Help u in ur Hard times... And May allah SWT give hidaya to step daughter and show the right path to you, ur family and step duaghter as well. Ameen. Summa Ameen.

 

[hayat_yahya]

salaam aleykum,
ameen to the duaas