"What (Muslim) Women Want"

[JohnXL]

If I may, I would like to garner opinions from women on a subject that has been on my mind for quite some time as a non-Muslim. A Saudi friend confided to me that one thing that bothers her is that she could find herself married to a man who has another wife or is planning to marry a second wife. I wanted to empathize with her but noman knows what that feeling must be like. I shared her opinion with a male Muslim friend who believes that her story is an anomoly and most Muslim women would prefer to be one of two wives for a man because of her devotion to her faith. He says she would welcome this life over being married to a man who dated several women before they married, ostensibly because he may lose interest and leave her anyway.

How do women really feel about this if given these options? -J

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

It depends on a woman's devotion to her faith. Many want to be the one and only. And that is ok.

For the sister who understands that marriage is a social structure to enable the community and safeguard it she will be more mature.

Not all women need to be under a man at all times. Some women are quite independent.

It is a serious issue. Most women are scared and confuse physical affection with love. They get into the comparative. He loves me the most and can not love someone else.

That has little to do with marriage.

 

[JohnXL]

Yes, I have learned recently recently that a significant part of Islam is commitment to the Muslim community as a whole, devoting your efforts to maintaining

 

[JohnXL]

the strength of the community. I think it was difficult for me to believe at first because I couldn't imagine a many Christian women placing their religious obligation to their community before their own needs in finding a husband, though I'm sure there are many who would. I'm learning

 

[Perseveranze]

Polygamy is quite rare in todays world, but she does have a point. If a man wanted another wife, then Islamically he is allowed to.

But, he should always talk with the first wife before making such a move, as to not strain/hurt the relationship. In some cases, the wife would just leave the man if he did it without her consent.

 

[ShyHijabi]

:salam2:

One of the great things about Prophet Mohammed is he showed both monogamy and polygyny can bring great happiness. He was married to his first wife for 24 years and no other and their's was a great love. When she died he grieved deeply.

Later he took many wives and those marriages were also very successful. So the sunnah can be either polygyny or monogamy. There is no disadvantage to either practice and no shame on either arrangement. I, myself, prefer monogamy.

 

[JohnXL]

Communication of his intentions makes a lot of sense. I didn't realize that the wife has the option to leave the marriage. Based on the anecdotal evidence I've been given thus far, I'd wager that more often than not, the woman would stay in the relationship after being "blindsided" to maintain the integrity of the family.

 

[Isra]

Well now this seems to be the hottest topic of the week!

I posted in another thread that yes Islam allows more than one wife and there are many very good reasons for men having multiple wives. It is true that it benefits the Ummah (Muslim community) due to less women being single and alone. It keeps peace in that sense.

I spoke to a girl who lives in the United States and her father has 2 wives. She being raised in a family such as this had a much different perspective from I guess what you would say "one of the childrens" point of view. She did not in any way advocate this type of relationship and said even if all the adult members were in complete agreement with the situation it is hard on the family as a whole. I guess in her case anyway there was alot of tension between the women involved.

I suppose it is very possible with the right adults and the right frame of mind of all parties that it could be a very happy and peaceful situation but as I said all parties would have to be in complete agreement.

I posted on the other thread that in the holy Quran it does state Allah permits men to marry more than one woman however it goes on to warn men later that if they are not able to maintain the equality of treatment between the two or more wives he needs to marry just one. That is something a man must carefully consider as it is not easy and actually almost impossible to treat all wives equally. He will be held accountable for his actions on the day of judgement!

wa salam

 

[JenGiove]

the strength of the community. I think it was difficult for me to believe at first because I couldn't imagine a many Christian women placing their religious obligation to their community before their own needs in finding a husband, though I'm sure there are many who would. I'm learning

Hi John,

I'm a non-Muslim and have been here for over a year. Think of it this way...

Example 1) When making bread, the most important ingredient is yeast. To activate the yeast you need heat and water. The whole purpose of the yeast is to make the dough rise which will eventually lead to soft, light bread..

In Islam, you can liken the yeast to faith (Imaan) and water and heat as Ummah (Muslim community). The eventual goal of all Muslims is to reach Jannah (paradise..or in this example, soft, white bread). Without the support of each member working correctly, that goal is not reached. The more members there are in the Ummah, the more bread you get....and who doesn't like sharing a good thing?! Right?

So that is an example of the general mentality of the Ummah, now for a more narrowed focus, of marriage. I personally do not agree with a polygamy marriage, BUT, I can understand the reasoning..

Example 2) If you've ever done any sort of mountain climbing that requires ropes, you know that the safest way is with two people, each supporting the other. One climbs up, stops, anchors in and the other climbs up and over, stops, anchors in and the whole process is repeated until the top is reached.

In a Muslim marriage, a matched pair of people work as a team in order to reach the top (Jannah). Each holding fast to their ropes (Iman) and using the rock (Deen, which means the religion of Islam) anchors (Ummah ) assisting each other to gain Jannah. Each member of the marriage has duties which they have to do (compulsary) like maintain personal supplies like spikes and hammers and anchors (The Five Pillars) , duties like assisting someone else carry the common load (enjoining good and forbidding evil), and duties that are recommended (Mustahabb) like Dawah (spreading the message of Islam) which keeps people secured in Deen and Iman. The climb itself, is life (dunya) and the struggles it presents.

I hope this helps you to understand Islam and Muslims and how interwoven each is with the other.

 

[uddim004]

Well now this seems to be the hottest topic of the week!

I posted on the other thread that in the holy Quran it does state Allah permits men to marry more than one woman however it goes on to warn men later that if they are not able to maintain the equality of treatment between the two or more wives he needs to marry just one. That is something a man must carefully consider as it is not easy and actually almost impossible to treat all wives equally. He will be held accountable for his actions on the day of judgement!

wa salam

this is the reason why when i get married i only want to get married to one women. when i read this in teh quran i just thought it be too risky. one of my non muslim friends asked me this last year and i gave him the above quote when h asked me if i would marry more than one women.

 

[JohnXL]

That is a beautiful part of the Quran, giving men the right to marry several wives but basically saying "Good luck with THAT", there is no way that you can accomplish that and be fair to each of the wives...though it certainly doesn't stop some men from trying!

 

[JenGiove]

"Good luck with THAT",

:salam2: (asalaamu alaikum...roughly peace be to you, someone else will have to define it accurately)

ROTFL!!!!!!!!

 

[JohnXL]

JenGiove WOW! Thank you for that colourful metaphor with the rising bread. When I relate that to how I felt about this topic when I first discussed it with my colleague, the amount of heat in that metaphor would be comensurate to how truly satisfied a woman feels in her marriage to a man that she was "sharing" with another woman. I speculated that there wouldn't be as much "heat" as there should be, so the bread might fall a bit... flat.

 

[Aroosak]

:salam2:

One of the great things about Prophet Mohammed is he showed both monogamy and polygyny can bring great happiness. He was married to his first wife for 24 years and no other and their's was a great love. When she died he grieved deeply.

Later he took many wives and those marriages were also very successful. So the sunnah can be either polygyny or monogamy. There is no disadvantage to either practice and no shame on either arrangement. I, myself, prefer monogamy.

:ma:

Beautifully said sister!
People tend to always point out polygamy as the sunnah but neglect to see how our Prophet (saw) created harmony with his first wife as well. In the end a marriage is all about mercy and love depending on how a person can provide one or more spouses with these.

 

[Just a Guy]

:salam2:

Man, I wonder what it's like around here on Valentine's Day. Here we are in late summer and everyone's going nuts about marriage.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,


I find it so interesting that many of the sisters who are very happy with being the only wife do not understand the greater picture.

They have little sense of the obligation that man has to his society. This has nothing to do with love. It is an act of charity to marry more than one wife. It is an economic and social solution to many of the ills of society.

Many of the sisters who are responding do not understand the meaning of Islamic marriage. They are still stuck on the romantic notions that wash away with time.

We have had discussion on this before and the answers have been the same. The sisters who have little comprehension of the larger picture are also women who are not very emotionally independent.

The subject becomes emotionally volatile and it should not.

 

[ShyHijabi]

Assalaam walaikum,


I find it so interesting that many of the sisters who are very happy with being the only wife do not understand the greater picture.

They have little sense of the obligation that man has to his society. This has nothing to do with love. It is an act of charity to marry more than one wife. It is an economic and social solution to many of the ills of society.

Many of the sisters who are responding do not understand the meaning of Islamic marriage. They are still stuck on the romantic notions that wash away with time.

We have had discussion on this before and the answers have been the same. The sisters who have little comprehension of the larger picture are also women who are not very emotionally independent.

The subject becomes emotionally volatile and it should not.

:salam2:

Sister,
While I respect your opinion I don't think we can generalize it across all marriages or even the majority. The Qur'an is the only holy script that puts the limit of monogamy on a man who cannot deal justly with more than one wife. Furthermore, there is a shortage of marriageable women in certain countries (China and if India continues it's trend, them too). We constantly have single brothers here trying to seek a wife but remaining single through no fault of their own.

Rather than focus so much on one man marrying many, why not try to get our single brothers married first? So many people focus on polygyny instead of the problem of all these men who don't have even one wife. It perplexes me.

 

[esperanza]

yes..what a hot topic..left here for two hours..and so many replies....thanks shy hijabi...
yes it seems many single men for example new converts looking for good muslim wife..so why men need to marry more than one

yes it is allowed in islam..but it is stipulated you must be equal to both..do you know how hard that is..... also it is reported.. that the prophet said

"whoever has two wives and leans towards one of them,will come onthe day of judgement with one side of his body leaning"

( sahih sunan abi dawad)


also polygamy is encouraged in special circumstances:


1. when a wife cannot bear children

2, if the wife is chronically ill and cannot fulfill duties

3. to solve social problenms
ie. in countries with shortage of men,particularly after war,,,in palestine and iraq iheard they are actually calling on men to marry two..that is understandable,,,,with many widowed women with children,,,,,

but is not meant to be just to fulfill mens desires,....

ANYWAY
how many men have the wealth the patience and time to marry more than one ???

 

[Perseveranze]

Communication of his intentions makes a lot of sense. I didn't realize that the wife has the option to leave the marriage. Based on the anecdotal evidence I've been given thus far, I'd wager that more often than not, the woman would stay in the relationship after being "blindsided" to maintain the integrity of the family.

Well in the majority of cases the husband does get the consent of his first wife.

 

[JohnXL]

Aapa thank you for the historical data...I had a feeling that the issue had been discussed before and I just added a different caveat to it. I don't think the conversation has gotten heated or volatile at all, but you might be able to read between the lines of what some people are saying, certainly moreso than I can