Cross Cultural Marriage?

[Just a Guy]

Assalamo aalaikum wa rahmatullah all

Please refrain from comments that contain "Like or dislike" for a particular nationality or origin. It may lead to an unnecessary debate which may offend many. Jazakumullah khairun ....

Furthermore please restrict the conversation for "Muslim couples only". Meaning the husband/wife or futuristic husband/wife are Muslims. However their parents may or may not follow Islam. Please refrain from giving example in which the spouses follow different religion.

Consent of the parents is one of the biggest hurdle for cross cultural marriages. Some of us are aware of one such a sister on TTI (I don't like to mention her name unless or until she herself comments). However the end result was in her favor

How would someone deal with a situation in which parents are not on the same page. Don't we have to follow the instructions of our parents?

It's fine, dude. She didn't offend me.

Anyway, the parents thing is something that I do worry about. I haven't told anyone in my family yet about my conversion, and I admit that it is something of a concern for me. When the time comes for me to marry, I don't want my family blaming whatever sister it is for "taking their son away". That's not going to be fair to her. Honestly, it is one reason that I have remained single.

 

[Ahsen]

I wanna marry an arab woman but they demand a big bank balance,car,a maid,big screen tv and tons of clothes and shoes.

 

[bmw540i]

I wanna marry an arab woman but they demand a big bank balance,car,a maid,big screen tv and tons of clothes and shoes.

What! did you think a wife comes cheap like in a supermarket.

 

[MuslimShadow]

Assalamo aalaikum wa rahmatullah all

Please refrain from comments that contain "Like or dislike" for a particular nationality or origin. It may lead to an unnecessary debate which may offend many. Jazakumullah khairun ....

Furthermore please restrict the conversation for "Muslim couples only". Meaning the husband/wife or futuristic husband/wife are Muslims. However their parents may or may not follow Islam. Please refrain from giving example in which the spouses follow different religion.

Consent of the parents is one of the biggest hurdle for cross cultural marriages. Some of us are aware of one such a sister on TTI (I don't like to mention her name unless or until she herself comments). However the end result was in her favor

How would someone deal with a situation in which parents are not on the same page. Don't we have to follow the instructions of our parents?

:salam2:

I don't know how it happened........(no bad intention though)

This the third time i'm saying this on tti........

I AM SORRY

I will refrain from saying anything like that again.Thank you very much for explaining.. You are an intelligent brother.:mashallah:

 

[MuslimShadow]

It's fine, dude. She didn't offend me.

Anyway, the parents thing is something that I do worry about. I haven't told anyone in my family yet about my conversion, and I admit that it is something of a concern for me. When the time comes for me to marry, I don't want my family blaming whatever sister it is for "taking their son away". That's not going to be fair to her. Honestly, it is one reason that I have remained single.

Pheeeew........
Thank you brother..I pray to ALLAH swt that He gives you a beautiful and intelligent wife who helps you in every way possible.

 

[Ahsen]

What! did you think a wife comes cheap like in a supermarket.

What do you think?

 

[Seeking Allah's Mercy]

Asalamo`Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Baarakaatuh,

Everytime something like this turns up, I'm a lil irritated how people just discuss one side of the picture. How about consider the other, or atleast here about it from the other party?

I think parents should have the links to such threads so we can have "tit for a tat" or whatever it is.

Parents usually don't agree with cross culture marraiges for their kids not because they don't wish well for us. Close minded or what, I find it really unfair how you people go bashing parents for certain things like these. A mom not accepting the DIL (I couldn't actually believe it when the guys were having a go at their mothers in one thread. GOod luck with friendly mom-wife relation, if you guys have that atitude towards the woman under whose feet lies your Jannah), parents wanting the same culture guys or girls for their kids etc etc.

They obviously have fears in their hearts we don't know about. The hypocrisy around these, you can't tell an apart a nobel Shaykh or student of knowledge from the brain washing bearded agent. Okay, I agree that's a lil extreme, how about a man whose real sweet and then treats the girl he marries like a footmat? Or the charming apparantly obedient girl who turns out to have a whip for a tongue?

Parents find it easy to avoid "some" of those "could bes" by prefering to wed their kids in family, or culture, Where they already know who is like what. Not to mention, they are almost always under their nose and if something goes wrong, things can be worked out.

When I said what I said I don't say I agree with staying in ones culture. Just saying; "Give your parents a BREAK!!" You may not be too different when you reach their age.

Show some respect people, they spend their lifes feeding you just so that you go about counting their faults.

 

[Just a Guy]

Pheeeew........
Thank you brother..I pray to ALLAH swt that He gives you a beautiful and intelligent wife who helps you in every way possible.

If it is the will of Allah, then He will provide. That is how I see it.

 

[saifkhan]

Brother, do not get emotional, pls read my posting again and try to understand it first. I never talk about boundaries or nationalities etc... perhaps you take it otherwise. In fact I do agree with the posting next to you.. that's what I summarised. Seem you just focus what I said on top, not the bottom one. Many Muslim reverts especially chinese in my country they do not wish to change their indentity, they would like remain chinese and Muslims. When culture and religion clashed, they put religion as priority. Likewise, I will proudly tell everyone I'm Indian Muslim, is that any problem in that? I've reverted to Islam, not my identity as Indian Muslim, I'm proud to be Indian Muslim. If I was born eskimo, I will say I'm proud Eskimo Muslim. Any problem? I'm sorry if I ever wronged you.

as salam 'alaykum brother


ah, you got me wrong
I didn't get you wrong

all i was saying, generally, not directed to you

race is from Allah azza wa jal, we can not change it, likewise you may find people saying proud to be _____ muslim, although they are just migrated. is living in some place for sometimes and adopting any culture make them to change the race?

like, one of the brother from Bangladesh, stated in another thread:
Bangladesh, the best country of the world!! (by the way I'm Bangladeshi, but i was born and raised in Qatar, now I'm in Europe for studies)

neither logically nor emotionally thats correct, and islamically never.

how many times you see problems in mosques (if you wold have lived some place othet than muslim country you would understand) just because of from which country you are. Arabs dont like other part of arabs prople, somali can not withstand any arab, pakistanis cant tolerate indians, bangladeshis can't tolerate pakistanis, for examples.

how many time you/we see people see to have that same much courage to say we are muslims and we are intolerable to the kuffars.our stand is we can tolerate kufr over a mistake of our brothers.

although the topic was about marriage, but the root problem is that, ashabiyyat.


anyways, nothing agaisnt you brother, if you just turn all the 'you' to 'we' or 'you' to 'people in general' than i think you would understand what i was trying to say.

nothing agaisntyou brother

and if you really want to understand what the current stand of muslims, please just listen to one lecture, you can just google it and find,
Bilal radhi Allahu anhu, from salve to master, by sheikh Zahir mahmood, I'd request you to listen it, when you are in bus, or journey, just one hour lecture

barakAllahu feek
wassalam'

 

[al-fajr]

Asalamo`Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Baarakaatuh,

Everytime something like this turns up, I'm a lil irritated how people just discuss one side of the picture. How about consider the other, or atleast here about it from the other party?

I think parents should have the links to such threads so we can have "tit for a tat" or whatever it is.

Parents usually don't agree with cross culture marraiges for their kids not because they don't wish well for us. Close minded or what, I find it really unfair how you people go bashing parents for certain things like these. A mom not accepting the DIL (I couldn't actually believe it when the guys were having a go at their mothers in one thread. GOod luck with friendly mom-wife relation, if you guys have that atitude towards the woman under whose feet lies your Jannah), parents wanting the same culture guys or girls for their kids etc etc.

They obviously have fears in their hearts we don't know about. The hypocrisy around these, you can't tell an apart a nobel Shaykh or student of knowledge from the brain washing bearded agent. Okay, I agree that's a lil extreme, how about a man whose real sweet and then treats the girl he marries like a footmat? Or the charming apparantly obedient girl who turns out to have a whip for a tongue?

Parents find it easy to avoid "some" of those "could bes" by prefering to wed their kids in family, or culture, Where they already know who is like what. Not to mention, they are almost always under their nose and if something goes wrong, things can be worked out.

When I said what I said I don't say I agree with staying in ones culture. Just saying; "Give your parents a BREAK!!" You may not be too different when you reach their age.

Show some respect people, they spend their lifes feeding you just so that you go about counting their faults.

Great post, barakAllaahu feeki.

 

[Putra Nusantara]

I do not care about different cultures in marriage, as long as you are muslim, that is enough. But unfortunately, in my country, sometimes you can't against tradition in marriage. Even the tradition that was often at odds with Islam. For example, in Java Island, especially Yogyakarta, one of province in Indonesia, the marriage tradition there usually often mixed with polytheism or mushriq, though they are muslims. You have to step on an egg, for a reason, then flower bath, and anything you may search about Java tradition in internet, especially marriage.

Alhamdulillah, in my family is not like that

 

[Noor El-Huda]

I wanna marry an arab woman but they demand a big bank balance,car,a maid,big screen tv and tons of clothes and shoes.

You are correct to some extent, however that is more common the richer Arab countries, unfortunately. (However I will not generalise). As for the rest of the Arab countries, the issue is probably not good enough, but also not to that that extent. for instance, the maid and the hefty bank account is not part of the deal.

What! did you think a wife comes cheap like in a supermarket.

Moderation is what's required. Prophet pbuh addressed this issue. Asking too much is going against Islamic teachings, because it unnecessarily puts obsticles in the way for marriages.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

I love us...I do...

Islam is simple. You follow the criterion that Allah subhana wa taala has given us. He is the Just. I like that word. Just.

So..lets talk parents...this is for Sis SAM,

You know sometimes, parents get so caught up in the saving face, must keep it in the same class and whatever rung of ladder you are on; I have seen it all..right skin tone, right weight, right height...ok we have all laughed at the requirements.

When a believer is presented as a potential spouse they do not agree, so let me beg you:

What does a believing daughter say to her father. A father that has loved her and spoilt her. She has kept to her deen. She has obeyed her parents. She has been kind and faithful to everyone. Allah subhana taala sends her a potential brother. He has faith. Lordy, lordy,lordy, does this brother have faith. You know the genuine, 100% rock solid faith. Ok... so he ain't perfect, and he ain't gonna give her the house with the SUV, but he strives to please Allah...

How do you convince the father of the young Muslimina that this is the right brother. I need help on this one. What hadith do I use. What ayat do I use. How do you tell a father that Allah has sent the right and pious brother to love and protect his daughter.

 

[PeArLL]

Aapa, unfortunately, this doesn't happen nowadays...parents look at everything but they forget to look at the religious part, which is the most important point.. They look at his wealth... I think this is why alot of people are getting divorced... A brother who is religious but doesn't have that much money is Much better than who has alot of money but isn't religious at all and doesn't have a good heart....

 

[Noor El-Huda]

Asalamo`Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Baarakaatuh,

Everytime something like this turns up, I'm a lil irritated how people just discuss one side of the picture. How about consider the other, or atleast here about it from the other party?

I think parents should have the links to such threads so we can have "tit for a tat" or whatever it is.

Parents usually don't agree with cross culture marraiges for their kids not because they don't wish well for us. Close minded or what, I find it really unfair how you people go bashing parents for certain things like these. A mom not accepting the DIL (I couldn't actually believe it when the guys were having a go at their mothers in one thread. GOod luck with friendly mom-wife relation, if you guys have that atitude towards the woman under whose feet lies your Jannah), parents wanting the same culture guys or girls for their kids etc etc.

They obviously have fears in their hearts we don't know about. The hypocrisy around these, you can't tell an apart a nobel Shaykh or student of knowledge from the brain washing bearded agent. Okay, I agree that's a lil extreme, how about a man whose real sweet and then treats the girl he marries like a footmat? Or the charming apparantly obedient girl who turns out to have a whip for a tongue?

Parents find it easy to avoid "some" of those "could bes" by prefering to wed their kids in family, or culture, Where they already know who is like what. Not to mention, they are almost always under their nose and if something goes wrong, things can be worked out.

When I said what I said I don't say I agree with staying in ones culture. Just saying; "Give your parents a BREAK!!" You may not be too different when you reach their age.

Show some respect people, they spend their lifes feeding you just so that you go about counting their faults.

Totally agree with you sister. We need to understand where the parents are coming from. I was talking to an elderly lady, who is from (X country) , and her daughter is teaching in (Y country). She told me she would not want her daughter to marry from (Country Y), which I am from too. She explained, no offence to you, but I don't speak the language and would not know how to communicate with the son in law. Also another worry parents have, that the daughter/son leave to their spouse's country, which means seeing less of their children and grandchildren. generally older people feel more comfortable with what is familiar; the language, the culture.

Having said that, there are deffinately many cases where the parents truly welcomed cross-cultural marriages, and were so proud of it, so I should hope I'm not seeming discouraging of cross cultural marriages. My point is that if/when parents show concerns for the issue or favour same culture marriage there are basis for their concerns , that children should aim to understand,and offer all the assurances possible, even if they do not necessarily agree with their parents opinion. They may have their reasons and, differrent views or see a more balanced picture.However one thing they should not do is dismiss their parents concerns as unjustified, backward and sort of act rebelliously, when in fact that is the parents way of wanting to fit in more in their son/daughter's lives after marriage, because they love them. Hopefully they can come to a decision together.

 

[Aapa]

Asalaam walaikum,

InshaAllah, this will lead to a beneficial discussion.

Islam came to liberate women. A sister has the right in deciding. This is our right. We are not objects of desire to be bartered. We are like for like. ( Love that ayat...like for like)

What I have observed is parents are protective. The problem is very simple. They forget like for like is not physical. Yes, parents should be concerned about their children. But children have to grow before they can marry. And many parents forget this.

As I recall hadith, marriage was not this complicated matter. When did it become so complicated?

 

[Just a Guy]

:salam2:

I'm reminded of something a good friend of mine who is a Christian once told me about when he was going to marry his wife. He went to visit her father before, to ask his permission to marry her, and the father asked him why he deserved to marry his daughter.

My friend simply stated that he didn't deserve to, but that he felt like God had brought them together for this purpose. Apparently this was enough as he has been married to her for 10 years and they have two kids together.

I don't feel like I deserve any woman, to be honest. But If Allah sees fit for me to marry, then He will provide me with a wife. This is how I see it.

 

[PeArLL]

The whole world is in its worse situation right now.... So Materialistic...

 

[PeArLL]

:salam2:

I'm reminded of something a good friend of mine who is a Christian once told me about when he was going to marry his wife. He went to visit her father before, to ask his permission to marry her, and the father asked him why he deserved to marry his daughter.

My friend simply stated that he didn't deserve to, but that he felt like God had brought them together for this purpose. Apparently this was enough as he has been married to her for 10 years and they have two kids together.

I don't feel like I deserve any woman, to be honest. But If Allah sees fit for me to marry, then He will provide me with a wife. This is how I see it.

No, Brother... You deserve a very religious, faithful, sincere, and a lovely woman... INSHALLAH...Do not belittle yourself.. Ask ALLAH for forgiveness... and Thank Him that He has Directed you to the right Path.. and INSHALLAH ALLAH will make things easy for you...

 

[Noor El-Huda]

Asalaam walaikum,

InshaAllah, this will lead to a beneficial discussion.

Islam came to liberate women. A sister has the right in deciding. This is our right. We are not objects of desire to be bartered. We are like for like. ( Love that ayat...like for like)

What I have observed is parents are protective. The problem is very simple. They forget like for like is not physical. Yes, parents should be concerned about their children. But children have to grow before they can marry. And many parents forget this.

As I recall hadith, marriage was not this complicated matter. When did it become so complicated?

Ofcourse sister, a marriage without the daughter's consent is invalid. What I mean is talk the parents through gently, so they feel more comfortable to a cross cultural marriage. .