Cross Cultural Marriage?

Are you in favor of

  • Cross Cultural Marriage

    Votes: 32 86.5%
  • Iso Cultural Marriage (same culture)

    Votes: 5 13.5%

  • Total voters
    37

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,

So help me out...what do you say to soften the hearts of the parents so they see that this is a pious brother.
 

PeArLL

-Quiet Member-
Assalaam walaikum,

So help me out...what do you say to soften the hearts of the parents so they see that this is a pious brother.

:wasalam: If I was in this situation,I would ask my parents that do they want their daughter to marry a brother who is not closer to ALLAH? And would they want their grandchildren to follow the wrong path just because their Father was not religious enough to teach them the true. Meaning of Islam? Would they want their grandchildren to be lost in this world in which there are sins that flow fron east to west? Would they want their grandchildren to say to to them " Sorry, Can't talk right now, too busy." and All this because their father was not Pious?
 

helpinghumanity

Junior Member
Assalaam walaikum,

Brother,

Wa-alaikumus salam wa rahmatullah

I prefer you calling me son...got soooo used to of it.

My concern becomes that we start to walk on thin ice. So many many parents get stuck on their own culture and do not see the bigger picture. Forget global there are many parents who are still village struck.

Yes I agree with you. The above is true for some arabs and desi's (not sure about others). Not only they want the spouse from the same country, they want it from the same state or province. Furthermore same state is not enough, they want the spouse from the same city, from the same village and also from the same family.

If you (parents) have a better alternative options, then why not prefer it over all.
 

helpinghumanity

Junior Member
:salam2:

I don't know how it happened........(no bad intention though)

This the third time i'm saying this on tti........

I AM SORRY:(

I will refrain from saying anything like that again.Thank you very much for explaining.:):). You are an intelligent brother.:mashallah::)

Wa-alaikumus salam wa rahmatullah,

Ah behna (sister) you don't have to say sorry...:)

All of us on TTI are like family. So we sincerely advice each other like brothers and sisters. Our aim is not to point fingers at each other, but to facilitate each other in achieving the ultimate goal. :):)
 

MuslimShadow

Junior Member
:salam2:

Something to refresh your eyes.(especially for Aapa and Helpinghumanity.)

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Seeking Allah's Mercy

Qul HuwaAllahu Ahud!
Assalaam walaikum,
Wassalamo`Alaum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Baarakaatuh,
So..lets talk parents...this is for Sis SAM,
Can I not be called SAM, please. JazaakAllaahu khayraa.
You know sometimes, parents get so caught up in the saving face, must keep it in the same class and whatever rung of ladder you are on; I have seen it all..right skin tone, right weight, right height...ok we have all laughed at the requirements.
My previous post had nothing to do with this and I don't agree with that, not to mention this isn't really being discussed, I'm talking about respect to parents. If at all they are at fault, we are obliged to give Dawah politely. But tryna act the complete Know-it-alls and displaying them as evil ignorant beings is waaay to satanic,insane and inhuman to begin with.
When a believer is presented as a potential spouse they do not agree, so let me beg you:

What does a believing daughter say to her father. A father that has loved her and spoilt her. She has kept to her deen. She has obeyed her parents. She has been kind and faithful to everyone. Allah subhana taala sends her a potential brother. He has faith. Lordy, lordy,lordy, does this brother have faith. You know the genuine, 100% rock solid faith. Ok... so he ain't perfect, and he ain't gonna give her the house with the SUV, but he strives to please Allah...

How do you convince the father of the young Muslimina that this is the right brother. I need help on this one. What hadith do I use. What ayat do I use. How do you tell a father that Allah has sent the right and pious brother to love and protect his daughter.

Let me say what a parent would say; How do you know he's pious with rock solid Imaan? You've traveled with him, seen him when he's ill or had business dealing with him. How would a girl prove it in any way. This is childish!

What will she say, some guy online, very pious? Yeah? They haven't talked to him, seen him, met him and hand over to him their own blood and DNA. Ship off their girl to some distant Island? That's expecting too much out of them. You don't know him and then it's going to be an LDR. It's waaay to risky. I say what sort of a parent will actually say it's fine? She may have observed his nice communication manner and seen his knowledge, they haven't! How in the world can she tell them that he is, will it makes sense or is wise to say or believe that he's pious because he types such? [This is not in relation to whom you are talking about, this is general]

And suppose the girl somehow manages to get married, she's to live away, probably not see her family, and have no in-laws within the parents family's reach for contacting. Who will be the one worrying 24/7 about her, because they are not sure what the guy is like, except that they met him once or twice, probably on the wedding day. Will it be you, me or the mutual friends? We may think about it for 5 sec. A Passing thought that passes by. It's going to be the parents. What if she or the parents get real sick? What about any other tragedy that may happen, who worry about commuting to each, us or the them? We can sit and talk, us, the younger ones can only follow our hearts, it's the older ones, our parents, who use their heads and getting sick over the possibilities and here we are assuming "Oh them, they are just too close minded to think straigth". Meh!

Aapa, You are parent but the problem is you don't have a daughter, you probably don't understand that those who will hand over their daughters to your sons will be worried sick weather they are giving consent to ending their daughters' life or would it be okay.

If some guy wants someones daughter, he should be man enough to go to her father, brother, any mahram or her mother and prove himself deserving, not to the daughter, to those who are responsible for her well being. Sending an email proposal?! Lolwut?! Is it a plastic doll's marriage? If he's shy, he probably will be (and I don't blame them) it should parent-parent talk to make it troll free and the adults can do what they need doing to nullify their fears. It's alltogether wrong for the girl to do all the talking and convince her parents, when it is so risky.

What we need is no parent bashing, but ways to get the parents in contact. What's the job of a parent is the job of parent. You can't do it yourself. The entire world isn't the west where two dicky birds sitting on the wall marry and fly off. There in the world is a place called "EAST". It's got it's own norms and values, and all of them are not haram, they are just different and more careful.

I don't agree with most of them, but I don't really see most of them completely useless. They are just too rigid, they need a lil flexibilty.

and I say you read this



Totally agree with you sister. We need to understand where the parents are coming from. I was talking to an elderly lady, who is from (X country) , and her daughter is teaching in (Y country). She told me she would not want her daughter to marry from (Country Y), which I am from too. She explained, no offence to you, but I don't speak the language and would not know how to communicate with the son in law. Also another worry parents have, that the daughter/son leave to their spouse's country, which means seeing less of their children and grandchildren. generally older people feel more comfortable with what is familiar; the language, the culture. .

Way to go sister, it's true, not everyone is flexible enought to take a 180 turn and fit into the new culture, when the emotional game it over, the problems begins. And who worries and cries along with the Children-The parents!

Islam came to liberate women. A sister has the right in deciding.
Not in all cases, we should keep that in mind.
 

Noor El-Huda

Junior Member
The way we think about them could influence our attitude with them.
We need to treat them with kindness not only when we are in agreement, but when in disagreement as well.

And make yourself submissively gentle to them with compassion, and say: O my Lord! have compassion on them, as they brought me up (when I was) little. sion on them, as they brought me up (when I was) little
. Al-Isra, Chapter #17, Verse #24
 

complex_man

Junior Member
When it comes to marriage, parents become traders,they black mail you emotionally and religiously to have their demands fulfilled. they should let their children decide to whom they want to marry and have a good life. my parents forced me too much to marry from family but i said NO. islam is not about accepting whatever your parents say and killing your own wishes and emotions. parents need to understand this. i hate this thinking.
 

Noor El-Huda

Junior Member
Sure brother, no son/daughter should be balckmailed in any shape or form, and forced into a marriage.

There are no guarantees of happiness in life anyway, whether the parent have found the potential or they came through any other decent way, but one just needs to do their best.We needn't think that many times a girl might tell her parents about someone is when she is having some form of interaction, for instance online or other. There are times when a friend or someone could recommend a certain person, and the girl would introduce the idea to her parents. However, the parents shouldn't be quick to dismiss because of culture or any other issues, whether for their son/daughter.

They need to give the issue a proper thought in order to see the overall picture, and find that balance of what is best for their son/daughter although there may be compromises. If the potential meets the criteria, religiously and morally, and it means a lot to their son/daughter then to go ahead and offer that compromise inshallah, and Allah is rewarding, swt. The son /daughter need to recognise and appreciate difficulty for the parents , if for instance there was a reason the parents were initially against, such as reasons discussed in previous posts.
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,


Sister Seeking Allah's Mercy

You have to live with that person. Not your momma.

Sister..you present issues that are cultural. Why do present a female as an object. Is that how you see yourself? An object of your parents whims and desires?

So if a girl moves away with her husband..we have something called transportation. Cars, trains, and planes.

Sister...you have made me smile..someone of us are bold and need adventure.


(PS: Sister SAM...I know a great guy....he would be good for you..PM please)
 

al-fajr

...ism..schism
Staff member
Assalaam walaikum,


Sister Seeking Allah's Mercy

You have to live with that person. Not your momma.

Sister..you present issues that are cultural. Why do present a female as an object. Is that how you see yourself? An object of your parents whims and desires?

So if a girl moves away with her husband..we have something called transportation. Cars, trains, and planes.

Sister...you have made me smile..someone of us are bold and need adventure.
Wa-alaikum assalam,

Aapa, why are parents seen as an obstacle to be overcome, rather than the much needed voice of reason?

You're assuming that the parents' desires for their daughter are everything except goodness. Why do you see the parents as such a negative entity, rather than positive?

Just as parents can be blinded by culture, young people can be blinded by their emotions; both are damaging and can lead to bad results. Young people also have less of the necessary age acquired wisdom at their disposal when it comes to decision making such as this.
 

Hajjerr

He is Dhul-Jalali Wal-Ikram
Sure brother, no son/daughter should be balckmailed in any shape or form, and forced into a marriage.

There are no guarantees of happiness in life anyway, whether the parent have found the potential or they came through any other decent way, but one just needs to do their best.We needn't think that many times a girl might tell her parents about someone is when she is having some form of interaction, for instance online or other. There are times when a friend or someone could recommend a certain person, and the girl would introduce the idea to her parents. However, the parents shouldn't be quick to dismiss because of culture or any other issues, whether for their son/daughter.

They need to give the issue a proper thought in order to see the overall picture, and find that balance of what is best for their son/daughter although there may be compromises. If the potential meets the criteria, religiously and morally, and it means a lot to their son/daughter then to go ahead and offer that compromise inshallah, and Allah is rewarding, swt. The son /daughter need to recognise and appreciate difficulty for the parents , if for instance there was a reason the parents were initially against, such as reasons discussed in previous posts.

salam aleikum wa rahmatulahy wa barakatuh

if only all parents whould be like this dear sister....

I dont think anyone has something against rational parents, ofcourse they need respect, they need to be listen and payng atention to theyr experience. Noone said will go against the parents for childish reasons, when the parents are followers of what is good in teh eyes of Allah...
but sadly not all parents are rational...

for some of us, the ideal housband/wife in the parent`s eyes can be haram for the religion of the doughter/son...

is sad that culture and tradition got people blinded...for some of us, taking decisions against the parents wishes does not mean a rebel and thoughtless act, no, it is a painfull, heart-bleeding decision...even if parents are there when a marriage fails, will they be there on the Day of Judgement with me to make excuses why i choosed by culture and not by deen ?..

:salam2:
 

Aapa

Mirajmom
Assalaam walaikum,


Good question sister.

How can a parent have reason when the first word out of this mouth his no.


As for Sister Seeking Allah's Mercy....Someone sent me a PM asking me to be gentle with her as she is Eastern. I am. I love to tickle her brain. She has opinions and is feisty. I love her like a daughter.

So baby girl (SAM)...I enjoy our little banter; no hard feelings. Still have a great guy in mind for you.
 
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