Huband or Mother???

rieszky

Junior Member
assalamualaikum to sisters and brothers who happen to read my post...


I have this dilemma which never happen to me b4....

Its between my beloved mom and husband....

My husband have disallowed me to meet my mom due to the grudge that happen between him and my mother....

its really complicated to explain as to what happen between them....all i could say that my mom disapproved my marriage to my husband and she started to fitnah the both of us of having Pre marital sex and ofcourse because my husband is 30+ older than me...and this is where my husband start to get angry...till now...

i have tried to persuade my husband to reconcile back with my mom for the good...but he refuse saying that my mom have to ask forgiveness from him then will he reconcile back...so in that case i also tried to persuade my mom that the fitnah that she says to the police and made a police report is a sin but she still say that what she say and did was right although the police prove she was wrong after i proved my virginity...she says that is the only way to break my relationship with my husband and she also said that it happens that she doesnt have enough money to engaged a lawyer to summon my husband for conning me which is not right...

My husband is the person who have lead me to the right path...he is the one who encourage me to strenghtened my deen...which my mom doesnt educate me with...and among my family of mom dad (they divorced but reconcile back but live separately),a younger sister and 2 younger brothers...only i am the one wearing hijab...and when i get the chance to meet them last year i was sad to see their way of live,they are far away from iman...i really want to help my family get to the right path b4 its too late..i always dua hoping that my family wont go astray far away from ALLAH....

and as a wife i have to obey my husband wish...and because his wish was that he disallowed me to meet my mom i have to obey....am i right for obeying my husband in this case?

and i am a wife whose husband doesnt allow me to go out of the house alone...i can only go out with his company...he will gave so many reason not to allow me went out with my sister and brother....for this case i truly understand and alhamdulillah i obey his wish...most of his wish i've obey...but i always argue with him bout my mom issue but for now i stop bringing up the issue as he will start yelling at me and i will start shoutin at the top of my voice,which i truly regret yelling at him,and at the same time i cant let him thinking all the bad things bout my mom...how bad my mom is,she is still the person who bring up her children without her husband support...i'm truly proud of her for that being so strong bringing up her children with her own,but nobody is perfect,she doesnt educate all her children with islam...we do pray and learn the quran(halfway only)...but not encouraging enough to understand the true islam...as a daughter i will always pray for her forever...after my husband encouragement then i truly understand how to care and love others from islam way...now i truly pray with all my heart...alhamdulillah..

i still feel i have so much responsibility towards my family,ecspecially towards my father whom i have not met for nearly 3 years,although he have never care for me n my other siblings for years but i truly care and love him so much! how i wish i could just kiss his forehead and tell him that i care bout him and love him so much....
although he is unresponsible towards his family,as a daughter i cant be living in the past and hate him what so ever,and i cant give up to spread the truth of islam to my family...i just hope u guys dua for me to be strong facing my problems...i know my problem is not the worst...

so my question is am i wrong to obey my husband for my mom's issue?
what am i supposed to do?

i'm really blank over this issue...seriously...pls give me opinion which i will consider...thank you.
 

ShyHijabi

Junior Member
Salaam,

Let me see if I understand this correctly,

1. Your mother did not want you to marry this man so she filed a false police report stating you were having sex with him.

2. Later on she admitted she knew you were not having sex but made this up to break off the engagement. (nevermind that this could've had you shunned by the entire community)

3. Your mother still refuses to apologize for this action, though it was a sin and illegal. (at least in the states it is illegal to file a false report)

4. Your family, including your mother, father, and siblings do not practice the deen (no one aside from you wears hijab, etc.,)

If I have read this correctly then I think your husband has the right idea. I am sorry but this makes your family appear toxic and inclined to hurt you at the cost of getting their way. I am especially shicked that your mother would've put you in harm's way by making false allegations of zina...in Rasool's (peace be upon him) time this would've resulted in lashes on her. I t appears your husband cares more about your protection and your deen.

Wasalaam
 

rieszky

Junior Member
Salaam,

Let me see if I understand this correctly,

1. Your mother did not want you to marry this man so she filed a false police report stating you were having sex with him.

2. Later on she admitted she knew you were not having sex but made this up to break off the engagement. (nevermind that this could've had you shunned by the entire community)

3. Your mother still refuses to apologize for this action, though it was a sin and illegal. (at least in the states it is illegal to file a false report)

4. Your family, including your mother, father, and siblings do not practice the deen (no one aside from you wears hijab, etc.,)

If I have read this correctly then I think your husband has the right idea. I am sorry but this makes your family appear toxic and inclined to hurt you at the cost of getting their way. I am especially shicked that your mother would've put you in harm's way by making false allegations of zina...in Rasool's (peace be upon him) time this would've resulted in lashes on her. I t appears your husband cares more about your protection and your deen.

Wasalaam
Yes its right....sorry if my story is too long and have made u dizzy reading it...and those dilemma of mine is burden with people surround me...aunty,uncle,siblings and my mom neighbours,blaming me,they say that i should obey my mom blablabla...but actually they didnt know the truth about my mom act...

anyway sister your opinion have made me relieve from feeling so low with guilt...thank you soo much sister...i really appreciate it...
 

Miss_Ayub

Junior Member
salaam sister

i will pray for you and i agree with shyhijabi.. seems your husband is in the right..

wasalaam
 

muthmainnah

Junior Member
Assalamu'alaikum

The mother’s status in sharee’ah cannot be denied. Allaah has enjoined that her children should honour her, and He has forbidden them to disobey her; He has ruled that the mother is the most entitled of people to one’s good company.

But the status and rights of the mother do not supersede the rights of the husband, rather the husband’s rights are greater and take precedence over your mother’s rights. Your obedience to him takes precedence over your obedience to her, and the wise wife strives to please her husband by doing what he wants so long as it is not contrary to sharee’ah, and she strives to honour her mother in ways that do not go against her husband’s commands. If there is a conflict of interest, then she should put her husband’s commands and wishes first.

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about a woman who got married, and was no longer under her parents’ care. Which is better – honouring her parents or obeying her husband?

He replied: When a woman gets married, her husband has more authority over her than her parents, and obeying her husband is more obligatory for her. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allaah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allaah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity and their husband’s property)” [al-Nisa’ 4:34].

And in a hadeeth the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “This world is temporary conveniences and the best of its comforts is a believing wife, who when you look at her she pleases you and if you tell her to do something she obeys you, and if you are away from her she protects you with regard to herself and your wealth.”

My suggestion is, do not talk about your mother in front of your husband, even though you as her daughter have to honour your mother but Islam teach you to put your husband's please first.

And do nottalk about your husband is front of your mother, try to find another topics when you talk to her.

Remember what the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a woman offers her five (daily prayers) and fasts her month and guards her chastity and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from whichever of its gates she wants.” (Saheeh Abi Haatim narrated by Abu Hurayrah)

Wassalamu'alaikum
 

Hard Rock Moslem

I'm your brother
As a muslim wife, you must obey your husband first then your parent. At the same time, continue to persuade both your husband and your mom if you have a chance. This is for your husband's benefit. Refusing you to meet your mother is a sin committed by your husband, he will be answerable to Allah. Sorry sister, that's the truth. Married man not only he has to take care the welfare of his own parents but also the welfare of his wife's father and mother.

Sorry sister if I said anything wrong.
 

rieszky

Junior Member
As a muslim wife, you must obey your husband first then your parent. At the same time, continue to persuade both your husband and your mom if you have a chance. This is for your husband's benefit. Refusing you to meet your mother is a sin committed by your husband, he will be answerable to Allah. Sorry sister, that's the truth. Married man not only he has to take care the welfare of his own parents but also the welfare of his wife's father and mother.

Sorry sister if I said anything wrong.
salaam...no you dont have to apologize bcause i'm very open minded to receive others opinion which will help me out in my problem,i really need to know to which is right,i dont want to disobey ALLAH in the first place...i'm in a state of confusion...plus my family keep on blaming me while my husband still defending his right for his act...And this is where my confuse and dlemma keeps drowning...
i really appreciate your opinion it does help me to judge the situation with comfort....thank you so much!
 

palestine

Servant of Allah
Asalamu alaykum. most of your questions have been answered but what i would like to add is that you should remind your husband that it's wrong he won't allow you to see your mother. Because cutting the ties of kinship is not allowed in islam. however assure him that you support him and that you obey him but that he should be reasonable and try to let you at least visit your mom sometimes. He seems like a wonderful person, a wonderful husband and a someone who's worth being with. so sister do not let shaytan get to you. sit down with your husband and explain to him in a kind manner the situation that you're in. try to help him see from "your perspective" and then afterwards ask him to help you and support you in trying to get your brothers and sisters back to islam. I'm sure he would come up with a solution. But make sure to have self control and not raise your voice towards him, as that will make him think you don't care about what he says. Hope this advice helps inshaAllah. best of wishes to you and your family inshaAllah. asalamu alaykum wrwb.
 

rieszky

Junior Member
Assalamu'alaikum

The mother’s status in sharee’ah cannot be denied. Allaah has enjoined that her children should honour her, and He has forbidden them to disobey her; He has ruled that the mother is the most entitled of people to one’s good company.

But the status and rights of the mother do not supersede the rights of the husband, rather the husband’s rights are greater and take precedence over your mother’s rights. Your obedience to him takes precedence over your obedience to her, and the wise wife strives to please her husband by doing what he wants so long as it is not contrary to sharee’ah, and she strives to honour her mother in ways that do not go against her husband’s commands. If there is a conflict of interest, then she should put her husband’s commands and wishes first.

Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked about a woman who got married, and was no longer under her parents’ care. Which is better – honouring her parents or obeying her husband?

He replied: When a woman gets married, her husband has more authority over her than her parents, and obeying her husband is more obligatory for her. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allaah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allaah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity and their husband’s property)” [al-Nisa’ 4:34].

And in a hadeeth the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “This world is temporary conveniences and the best of its comforts is a believing wife, who when you look at her she pleases you and if you tell her to do something she obeys you, and if you are away from her she protects you with regard to herself and your wealth.”

My suggestion is, do not talk about your mother in front of your husband, even though you as her daughter have to honour your mother but Islam teach you to put your husband's please first.

And do nottalk about your husband is front of your mother, try to find another topics when you talk to her.

Remember what the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “If a woman offers her five (daily prayers) and fasts her month and guards her chastity and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from whichever of its gates she wants.” (Saheeh Abi Haatim narrated by Abu Hurayrah)

Wassalamu'alaikum
Salam...
thank you it is well stated...i really appreciate it...
 

rieszky

Junior Member
salaam palestine....

i have try talking to him bout my mums issue but everytime i bring up the discussion he will boiled in anger saying that my mum is in the wrong side and that he will only settle with peace if my mum apologize to him and that he forbidden me to see her,and he wont be listening to my beg in this issue...my husband is wonderful in guiding me towards being a worshipper of ALLAH but not this particular issue , he will burst in anger...you know men's are ugly when they are angry...i just doesnt want my family and relative to think that my husband is a bad person but the truth is they dont know how much he have develope me with islam, that is why i stand by him all the way after my mum fitnah us,otherwise he would have end up in jail... alhamdulillah ALLAH have protected us from the fitnah...both of us were really greatful...

thank you for ur thoughts...i really appreciate it...it help ease the discomfort feelings in me...
 

Nazihah

Be A Stranger
Assalamualaikum Sister,

Alhamdulillah, our Brothers and Sisters here have given great advices.

If speaking to your husband on this matter is difficult, I suggest for you to write a letter/email explaining and expressing your thoughts and feelings on this issue.

InshaAllah, with this method, will help your husband think through this in a calm manner. Of course, give the letter/email at the right timing; not when he is in a bad mood.

May Allah help you go through this, Sis.
 

rieszky

Junior Member
Assalamualaikum Sister,

Alhamdulillah, our Brothers and Sisters here have given great advices.

If speaking to your husband on this matter is difficult, I suggest for you to write a letter/email explaining and expressing your thoughts and feelings on this issue.

InshaAllah, with this method, will help your husband think through this in a calm manner. Of course, give the letter/email at the right timing; not when he is in a bad mood.

May Allah help you go through this, Sis.
Wa'alaikumsalam sister...

i really appreciate all of the advice given,and i will try your suggestion...thank you soo much...
 

rieszky

Junior Member
Rasulullah 'alaihi Shalawatu wa Salaam said "... whoever link it(Silaturahim) then Allah will link him, and whoever break it(silaturahim), Allahu Ta'ala will break him."(Silsilah Hadits Ash Shahihah no.1602)

Thou know what I feel, I feel that your mother only jealous and want your attention. And she make an excuse of your husband's age. That's all.

It'll be over by you stay for a week in her house, plus 3 days bonus only for her.

Make the point to your husband, and promise him that when she talk bad about him, you'll only pretend to agree. Because Rasulullah said: "Lie is premissible in 3 conditions the saying of spouse to his/her spouse, in war because war is base on deception, in making peace between people who fight(Silsilah Hadits Ash Shahihah 3)."


Assalamu'alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.
Assalamualaikum wrb...thank you brother...i have reminded my husband about the hadith over and over again but he seems to heck care my words..while my mom is not only jealous,she also once said to me that my husband doesnt deserved me cause of our different of age...but i try your suggestion
 

rieszky

Junior Member
wa 'alaikum salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.

Okay, why is making peace so important? Rasulullah said "There is something which is better than shalat and zakat." The Shahaba asked "What is that?,"
He replied "Making peace between ye."

That I think actually your mother might be more to "envy," so this is the recipe, if that what actually happens, Rasulullah 'alaihi Shalawatu wa Salaam said "Envy is the cutter of Din, not cutter of hairs, so spread salaam around ye, so ye would love each other."

So your husband must say to her "Assalamu'alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh."

Translated as "May peace, development, save from guile, and Allah's mercy, and Allah's blessings be upon you.


Assalamu'alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh.
Salaam...thank you so much...you express in a way that i never came across before thanks alot this really teach me alot of things to deal with people around me......arrogant and hatred have control over their emotions to some people...if only their mind was set to have peace all this hatred will not be spreading around allahuallam....may ALLAH preserved me away from all kinds of arrogant and hatred ameen...
 
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