I need your feedbacks....I really do!

I

IHearIslam

make dua 4 ma finals
:salam2:

I hope this reaches in the best of health/imaan:)

I want to submit this to my school magazine, I have inspired to let others know about my Hijab because lots of people misunderstand it. I chose to express my thoughts/feelings in a poem. I have lots of time to fix some flows, or wrong words I might have in there. So, brothers and sisters I ask you to give me some feedbacks, critism, or whatever you think you can do for me. The deadline is may 8th, so I would appreciate all that you have to say and your suggestions.
Here is the peom:)
You see me, but do you REALLY know me???

You seen in the hallways
And you might have felt sorry for me
Simply because of the way I am dressed
With your eyes, you quickly judged
Automatically thinking I am oppressed
Or maybe *culturally* proud
But nay! I am neither
I am a girl who has taken God’s command
Submitted to HIS word
Imitating none but my heroine Mary mother of Jesus the blessed
With submission, like Mary I am covered
There by seeking the mercy of my Lord
And going against the man made laws of been adorned
Eyes judging me on the size of my behind
Not paying attention to my brilliant mind
So, I said *NO* to been a boy’s toy when I chose to be HIJABED
Thus setting myself free from been objected and judged
For this beauty I have is uniquely mine and NOT to be adored by any stranger
So, next time you see me
Do not feel sorry for me
Because Hijab is my choice
So, relax because NOW you know
I am NOT oppressed and that I cover
ONLY to please my creator
​
:wasalam:
Allah hafiz NOW and ALWAYS:)
 
Al-Salam

Al-Salam

Your Sister In Islam
Love it, but...

I have to say that my english is poor as well, but I really enjoyed the poem, it's very beautiful and realistic. I just had one observation though, still repeating that my englsih is poor. The first sentence goes like this: "You seen in the hallways" Do you mean: You have seen me in the hallways
or you've seen me in the hallways? cause if you do than you've forgotten "have" and "me".

You were probably in a hurry to write it, but again masha allah. Very beautiful poem. Adorable....:hijabi:
 
IbnAhmad

IbnAhmad

Junior Member
salaam :)

mashaAllah this is so beautiful ukhtii...i love it sooo much...may allah swt bless youuu...amiin

take care :D

wassalam
 
Asja

Asja

Pearl of Islaam
:salam2: dear sister

Mashallah,it is wonderfull and very beautiful.:)

Jazzak Allah khair for sharing with us

Keep it up the good work,Mashallah you have a great talent sister.

May Allah bless you:tti_sister:

:wasalam:
 
I

IHearIslam

make dua 4 ma finals
Al-Salam said:
I have to say that my english is poor as well, but I really enjoyed the poem, it's very beautiful and realistic. I just had one observation though, still repeating that my englsih is poor. The first sentence goes like this: "You seen in the hallways" Do you mean: You have seen me in the hallways
or you've seen me in the hallways? cause if you do than you've forgotten "have" and "me".

You were probably in a hurry to write it, but again masha allah. Very beautiful poem. Adorable....:hijabi:
Click to expand...

:salam2:
lol yes, I forgot! I was actually saying the *have* and *me* when I was writing but somehow did NOT write it! it happens to me alot...tabarakaAllah for letting me know. REALLY good observation.:)
Allah hafiz NOW and ALWAYS:)
:wasalam:
 
I

IHearIslam

make dua 4 ma finals
Assalamu Alaiku:)

now iam at home and NOT in a hurry, but I have recognized that I have alot of *so* at the end, do you think I should keep them or should I take some out??? I really want this one to be cool, so like people would understand more because my teacher was like *we might distrubute it to the community as well* so, that is why I wanted and STILL want your feedbacks...
Wasalamu Alaikum.
Allah hafiz NOW and ALWAYS:)
 
Zaynab123

Zaynab123

Subhana Allah!
Asalamu alaykum

Masha Allah! i spoted the same mistake that sis Al-Salam did. So i have nothing else. everything else is good. :ma: great job ukhti.:hearts: Go for it Girl!

wasalam
 
T

tajuldeen

Sister
mashaAll-h! I LURVE IT!
Especially the ending. And I love how u brought in the example of Mary. just put a comma after her name before mother of Jesus. Oh and click enter after Nay ( u wanna give some time to let that sink in...) and being not been....and thereby is one word
Hope I helped.
Wassalamz
 
T

tajuldeen

Sister
Allah's servent said:
Assalamu Alaiku:)

now iam at home and NOT in a hurry, but I have recognized that I have alot of *so* at the end, do you think I should keep them or should I take some out??? I really want this one to be cool, so like people would understand more because my teacher was like *we might distrubute it to the community as well* so, that is why I wanted and STILL want your feedbacks...
Wasalamu Alaikum.
Allah hafiz NOW and ALWAYS:)
Click to expand...

You can take the last so* out and leave it at "Relax, ..."
:) keep it up sister!:ma:
 
I

IHearIslam

make dua 4 ma finals
tajuldeen said:
mashaAll-h! I LURVE IT!
Especially the ending. And I love how u brought in the example of Mary. just put a comma after her name before mother of Jesus. Oh and click enter after Nay ( u wanna give some time to let that sink in...) and being not been....and thereby is one word
Hope I helped.
Wassalamz
Click to expand...

:salam2:
First of all JAZAKA'ALLAH khairan and tabarakaAllah! you got it sister, I will fix those and you have HELPED greatly! lol about the been/being bit, I always get confused between those two:D jazakaAllah khairan for SPOTTING that:)
thereby was one word??? hahah I didn't know that! jazakaAllah khairan again for that. :hearts::hearts:
Allah hafiz NOW and ALWAYS:)
:wasalam:
 
I

IHearIslam

make dua 4 ma finals
Assalamu Alaikum brothers and sister:)

JazakaAllah khairan for the feedbacks! mashaAllah, you guys were GREAT help to me:) I LOOOOOVEEEE you ALL so much and I can ACTUALLY say you are like my SECOND family:) I loove you and I thank Allah for bringing this GREAT community together because NOW we all can experiance the TRUE brother/sisterhood of Islam.
jazakaAllah khairan Ajma3een....(is that even correct Arabic????) but I guess you know what I mean!
Wasalamu Alaikum:)
Allah hafiz ALL of you NOW and ALWAYS:)
 
I

IHearIslam

make dua 4 ma finals
THE ADITTED one!

:salam2:

:bismillah:

EHEM! I am back:):shymuslima1:

I have taken your feedbacks and I have made the correction. this is the editted one, if you still see some FLAWS, please correct me...it's appreciated:)
:jazaak:
You see me, but do you REALLY know me???

You have seen mein the hallways
And you might have felt sorry for me
Simply because of the way I am dressed
With your eyes, you quickly judged
Automatically thinking I am oppressed
Or maybe “culturally” proud
But nay!
I am neither
I am a girl who has taken God’s command
Submitted to HIS word
Imitating none but my heroine Mary, mother of Jesus, the blessed
With submission like Mary, I am covered
Thereby seeking the mercy of my Lord
And going against the man made laws of being adorned
Eyes judging me on the size of my behind
Not paying attention to my brilliant mind
So, I said “NO” to being a boy’s toy when I chose to be HIJABED
Thus setting myself free from being objected and judged
For this beauty I have is uniquely mine and NOT to be adored by any stranger
So, next time you see me
Do not feel sorry for me
Because Hijab is my choice
Relax, for NOW you know
I am NOT oppressed and that I cover
ONLY to please my creator
​
Allah hafiz NOW and ALWAYS:)
 
M

muslimeen1989

Junior Member
:salam2:

Thats soo beautiful mashallah May Allah reward you for your efforts mashallah for raising awareness by this beautiful poem :ma:

:wasalam:
 
T

tajuldeen

Sister
Allah's servent said:
Assalamu Alaikum brothers and sister:)

JazakaAllah khairan for the feedbacks! mashaAllah, you guys were GREAT help to me:) I LOOOOOVEEEE you ALL so much and I can ACTUALLY say you are like my SECOND family:) I loove you and I thank Allah for bringing this GREAT community together because NOW we all can experiance the TRUE brother/sisterhood of Islam.
jazakaAllah khairan Ajma3een....(is that even correct Arabic????) but I guess you know what I mean!
Wasalamu Alaikum:)
Allah hafiz ALL of you NOW and ALWAYS:)
Click to expand...

:salam2:
Awwwwww!!!No problemio. LOL!In all honestly gimme something in English and I can help but Arabic...that's a whole nother story. :hijabi:
 
zinirah

zinirah

Junior Member
Mashallah

Assalamu Alaikum,
This is a very good poem...insha'Allah those at your school will learn to understand.
 
I

IHearIslam

make dua 4 ma finals
Assalamu Alaikum:)
Thats soo beautiful mashallah May Allah reward you for your efforts mashallah for raising awareness by this beautiful poem
Click to expand...
Ameen sister, thank you soooo much for the great dua and I ask Allah to reward you and all of us. Ameen
Awwwwww!!!No problemio. LOL!In all honestly gimme something in English and I can help but Arabic...that's a whole nother story
Click to expand...
lol, you got it sister, I will be knocking you VM whenever I need a feedback, but I will try NOT to ask about Arabic:D:D haha,
This is a very good poem...insha'Allah those at your school will learn to understand.
Click to expand...
jazakaAllah khairan dear, InshaAllah that is truely my hope!
wasalamu Alaikum and Allah hafiz ALL of you NOW and ALWAYS:)
 
T

tajuldeen

Sister
ASA,
I'm back again.
Only one mistake here. you forgot the space for the 1st line between "me" and "in".
LOL! mA Good Job!
 
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