Marrying older women

Discussion in 'TurnToIslam Lounge !' started by booya, Aug 10, 2011.

  1. Just a Guy
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    Just a Guy Reinventing Myself

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    :salam2:

    Yes, I agree with sister Precious Star. Not everyone is supposed to get married. We are all different. Some people are not meant for those kind of relationships. It doesn't mean that they are any less of a person than anyone else.

    I really don't think that Allah the Most Mericiful is going to keep me out of paradise just because I don't get married. I refuse to believe that Allah is really that cruel and petty.
  2. Hearts of Greenbirds
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    Hearts of Greenbirds Junior Member

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    wach out what you say just a guy jzk

    and it aint the same saying that i am not ready for marriage and i cant get marride ,,, dont get it twisted

    and if you can control you nafs and dont make zina then it is not wajib to get marride it is a Great sunnah and the prophet sws said who ever can get marride should get marride indeed it is halvf of your Deen ,,, i am just sayin
  3. xAllahKnowsBestx
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    xAllahKnowsBestx Junior Member

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    Yeah, there's a difference. Brother Just A Guy, you mean you're not ready to get married. Not that you can't get married.
  4. Just a Guy
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    Just a Guy Reinventing Myself

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    :salam2:

    First of all, I meant no disrespect by anything that I said, and if it was taken that way, then I apologize publicly before everyone here and before Allah. May He forgive my words if they were spoken in error...

    Well, I can't get married at this time. I have things I must take care of, first. Financially, emotionally, and spiritually, changes must be made. This much I know.
  5. ShyHijabi
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    Sweet sister,
    I never meant that YOU haven't been proactive. It's just I've met brothers and sisters that tell me they make lots of dua for a mate but none come. I ask them if they've talked to the Imam at the mosque, Muslim friends, etc., They tell me no so then I ask them how is anyone to know you are looking? We need to be more proactive as a community helping our brothers and sisters find their mate.

    There are hadiths and ayahs encouraging people to marry. There is a hadith that tells people who reject marriage is not of the ummah. I am not saying anyone here is rejecting the idea of marriage but I do know it happens.

    There is no other creature that mates for life? I assure you there are, especially in nature, I studied many examples in undergrad. On a personal note, my grandparents were married 50 years until my grandmother died and were very much in love the entire time. Do not feel it is impossible for you or anyone else, for THAT is trying to decide what Allah swt will is.

    I only know of one person (in my limited existence) who never married and will most likely die single. (he's 85) And his life is of his own making. He never wanted the responsibility of marriage and instead focuses all his attention on his dog. He literally spends 10+ hours a day walking this dog, spends gobs of money on it's food and upkeep, and coos in it's ear like some kind of child. It disgusts me honestly. But I digress, this has nothing to do with us, does it?

    Allah is the most merciful, majestic planner. And I think if one prays dua AND works hard to seek a mate then marriage will happen. I speak from deep, personal experience on this. I am not spring chicken yet I finally married, alhumdulillah! My deepest prayer during this holy month is that Allah swt brings you your mate and you live long and blessed lives within the warm light of that marriage. Ameen.
  6. Abu Ameerah
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    Abu Ameerah Junior Member

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    Assalamo Alaikom...Age doesn't matter. My wife is one year older than me and she has stronger personality than me. She's a Muslim but not really a practicing Muslim. She's a party girl who love to attend parties - singing, dancing and etc...our personalities are totally the opposite sides. When we got married, one of my challenges was how to approach her and prevent her from being a party girl. It was a long story. What I did was went out with her, singing with her in parties, but when we are home, I read a lot of Hadiths and stories of the great Sahabies and Sahabas. One day, I have noticed that she prayed regularly, doesn't go out with her friends anymore, until she wore NIQAB until now - a 360 degrees turn-around. We've been married for 15 years now and our marriage is going stronger though we have only one princess. Pray for us to have righteous children. Alhamdolillah.
  7. xAllahKnowsBestx
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    ^Masha'Allaah!! May Allah bless you and your wife.

    No brother, you don't have to apologize! I don't think you said anything wrong. May Allah grant you a pious wife when you are ready.
  8. aisha16
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    aisha16 Junior Member

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    Don't mean to repeat the same sentiment of what some sisters said here but yes-Age is just a number. If it isn't an issue for a forty year old or fifty year old man to pursue a twenty something year old-it shouldn't be an issue for a women of the same age either. I find it ridiculous for people in Western society to frown upon a women being with a younger man. (By this I mean the whole bf/gf thing with Non-Muslims) And they go on to call those woman certain names that I prefer not to mention really, hint: "c". And if a women who is of an older age prefers to remain single she's labeled a "spinster" and if a man who could be of the same older age prefers the same-he's still considered a "bachelor" or whatever. Messed up society we live in nowadays. But not to say Muslims don't have the same issue. If a man chooses to marry a woman that's a little aged, previously divorced, widowed, or has kids from the previous marriage....man let's just say most Muslims from a lot of different cultures really dislike this. And by dislike I mean-HATE. Especially a woman that has previous kids. But why do we fail to see that the Prophet Muhammad(saw) himself married an older woman (Khadija), a divorced woman ( Zaynab bint Jahsh), and a women aged and widowed (Umm Salamah bint Abi Umayyah). And he's the best man to walk this earth, why not follow his example? All and all to sum it up my points, I believe if a good Muslim man chooses to marry a woman that's a few years his senior- big whoop? If she's a good Muslim woman and is of good character- what's the issue? There is no issue.Okay let me stop my ramblings now.....
  9. MalikBrother
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    Assalamu - Alaikum!

    It's just assumption whether one is ready for the marriage or not. Why not take some responsibility to propose and get married? Even today, Girls are yearn for responsible and fine Muslim men. If you don't try, you will never know whether you were ready for the marriage or not. It's like a woman who never has had experienced of being mother, but her first kid, the maternal instinct will kick in automatically.

    Just try to get get married, and you will never know that you were ready all along. Even i am afraid, but i will be taking a leap faith, and by getting married, what is the worse can happen especially to 'not ready' person? Why not take some risks, and either way, we will be protecting our chastity, and we will have our partners in our lives, and what is better than our wives keeping company with us.


    Don't think, and nor over think. Allaah (SWT) has made partners for everyone, but those who are afraid, will never survive in the world. So, be not them. Rather be that guy who leaves the future unseen, trusting up to Allaah (SWT), and try to live in the present. Life is very short, and indeed, this world is just temporary.
  10. Shak78
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    Shak78 Junior Member

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    :salam2:

    The fact you know that is good for you. You are not going to commit to something you can not right now which is fair to you and anyone else. The fact you are ok with that and know that is a good thing and shows maturity. I will keep you in my dua's brother.
  11. Aapa
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    Aapa Mirajmom

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    Assalaam walaikum,

    The Prophet, may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, told us something quite simple.

    You marry a young woman for sport. You marry an older woman because she will tie the camel for you!!

    And if our brothers followed the faith they could marry a younger one and an older one.

    An older woman needs more space and alone time. She does not need to have a phone call from you. She knows you have friends and responsibilities..she will give you a lot of space. In turn you need to give her space.

    A young woman needs attention. They need to be loved and need more demonstration of affection. The sweet nothings, the cards, the flowers, the gifts. They need to be the center of attention.

    And there are always individual variances. A 50 year could have the maturity level of a twenty year old. I have seen it. A twenty year old could be as mature as a 50 year old.
  12. IHearIslam
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    IHearIslam make dua 4 ma finals

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    Assalaamu alaikm,
    ROTFL...subhana'Allah, this is so TRUE!!!! subhana'Allah...!! I like the way you said it. Just to the point with a bit humor :p

    Thanks for making me laugh....!
  13. esperanza
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    esperanza revert of many years

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    thanks for ur ramblings,,,ur right many muslim cultures.. think its not ok for a man to marry older woman maybe divorced or wiht children,,,why not..maybe she is good person who has been wiht worng person or in difficult situation and he can help her..also many cultures especially arab think men shoud marry young girls,,,and its really hard to change thier mentality
  14. esperanza
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    esperanza revert of many years

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    so true ..sister,,,,yes younger mwomen need much miore attention whereas older women are wiser more mature have seen so much of life,,,all they need is someone to care and understand..and they will be more understanding and supportive too..but fdont forget one of main reasons men marry young women is beacsue they hope to have many healthy children
  15. Just a Guy
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    Just a Guy Reinventing Myself

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    :salam2:

    Part of the problem, at least for us Muslims living in Western societies, is that Western society places a LOT of emphasis on relationships. If you're in your late 20's/30's and still single, people will say things to you. It's almost like they think there's something wrong with you if you're 30+ and not married, or at least don't have a "significant other".

    When I turned 30, I was depressed for a few months. At the time I was still living with my parents, so I really didn't think I had accomplished anything with my life at that time. A few months after that, I decided to move out and get my own house, and I did. Then I ran into other problems, but that's a different story.

    Anyway, my point is, don't fall into the trap of society. Don't let other people dictate how you feel. I realize that I am not ready for a relationship, financially, emotionally, and spiritually. I'm not ready. Once I take care of those things, then I can maybe think about it. But right now, no, it's not fair to any sister to ask her to bear this burden. It is mine to bear, for as long as Allah wills that I should bear it.
  16. Aapa
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    Aapa Mirajmom

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    Assalaam walaikum,

    Three things:

    1. Marriage is necessary for offspring. But, if a man follows his faith he can have more than one wife.

    2. Marriage is not just love and happiness in Islam. It is the back bone of the social institution. It is more than making one woman happy. Multiple wives relieves the burden from outside social agencies. Marriage is the business of this world. Marriage is business. Think people.

    3. Marriage relives a man of his burden. He is not alone and has someone to comfort his eyes. How faithful is woman that she will bear the burden of her husband and ease his life without complaining.

    We are Muslims and can not be influenced by the mores of the non-Believers.
    The duyna has crazy ceilings and only offers disappointment. You are too old, too poor, too short, too not what we want. You are a loser. The duyna always alerts us to our shortcomings and wishes us poverty.

    A woman married a man for a verse of the Quran. Think of the size of her mansion in paradise. Think of the love he had for his wife.
  17. esperanza
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    esperanza revert of many years

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    =
    your right you should not be pressured to marry ..if your not ready ..i know of go0d decent born muslims also same age..not yet married ,maybe they did not find the right person....or maybe they feel they are not ready to support a wife...of course a woman can be a great support to a man,but she also needs a man who is ready to handle such responsibilites...
    also marriage is not so easy as in the past...becasue of the demands of modern society,,,,and sadly because especially in arab world, people especially women have much greater demands than in the past...
  18. arzafar
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    arzafar Junior Member

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    well yes age is just a number but it does have an affect on one's personality. I just think that older women are more controlling and argumentative, especially nowadays when women think they are equal to men and all those feminist ideas. so i think it is better to marry a younger one because they are more respectful. Doesn't matter if she wants to be spoiled, who doesn't???
  19. esperanza
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    esperanza revert of many years

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    interesting!!!
  20. ShyHijabi
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    Women and men are equal in the value of our souls, we are just different and have different rules. Men are not more valuable in Islam but they do have more obligations. Feminism isn't about women ruling men, it's about giving women the dignity they deserve.

    When you think about it, Islam is the height of feminism. It demands that men lower their gaze and that women treat their bodies with respect and not display it like a piece of meat. And as far as older women being argumentative, Rasool's love for Kadijah was legendary. She gave her wealth and heart to our Prophet. It was her older and more mature personality that made for such a successful marriage.

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