Mother-in-law/Daughter-in-law! why do they fight?

[ahmed_indian]

:salam2:,

i am unmarried, so i m not talking about myself.

1. not all our sisters are like that

2. i understand its not easy to adjust with everyone.

But....
why many of them fight? we, men, like that our daughter love her husband and wife love her mother.

but why as a wife she dont want that her husband love his mother and as a mother that her son dont love his wife.

they make the poor man a sandvich between them. As he loves his mother and wife and cant leave any of them.

why dont they stop quarelling for the sake of their son/husband whom they love too? why mother forget that she was a young wife and why wife forget that she will be an old mother someday?

its so much in india/pakistan (i dont know about other places). i really feel pity for those men.


PS: not all sisters are bad and not all brothers are good. i love all good bro's and sis' for the sake of Allah.

 

[wannabe_muttaqi]

Assalamu Alaikum

:salam2: ,
You post made me smile. Akhi after seeing this post i can gauge your nervousness in getting married. LOL. Sorry i couldn't stop myself to write this.

On a serious note, one line that i would like to describe this situation will be " LACK OF PROPER DEEN ". I think INSECURITY is the key issue here. I think this is my opinion that "women are more insecure abt their men be it husband or son or sometimes brothers". A wife doesn't want much attention to be given to one's mother whereas a mother might think that after the son got married has changed . If all these people know each other's Rights ( Huqooq) then it should be easy to handle this. Well its just an opinion from a personally inexperienced person.

Apart from that , i think it is there is lot of research that has been done in other relationships but not abt mother-in-law and daugther-in-law. I shall be happy if someone could give me a link to the lecture or any other works that has been done by a good knowledgeable scholar on this issue.



P.S. : It might be the same with son-in-law and mother-in-law sometimes, that is more ridiculous and hilarious sometimes.

 

[q8penpals]

Assalam aliekum

In my experience, the biggest problems come when the husband/son tries to please each and this causes problems. For instance...(now, this did not happen to me, but I am using a case that was a Thanksgiving/Christmas issue, just replacing with Ramadan!)

Mother: Son, please, come to my house every day for Ramadan iftar!!
Son: Yes mother

in the meantime...

Wife: Husband, lets go to my parents house every day for Ramadan iftar!
Husband: Yes dear.

So, the first day of Ramadan, hubby convinces wife to go to his mother. Wife is a bit upset, but deals with it. Then while at iftar, mother starts making comments about "tomorrow" and wife says, "but we will be at my family home tomorrow" and mother says, "No you will be here"

All the while, the man sits quietly (or many times, sneaks out!)

~~~~~~~~~

The biggest problems between wives and MILs seem to be when the man can't be a man. He still wants to be his mommy's little boy and give in to her; and he wants to be a great husband, so he gives in to the wife. I am not saying that he needs to be mean to each, but he needs to be fair. In the above situation, he could have made the decision that they would go every-other-day to each family home, thus neither mother nor wife is getting EXACTLY what they want, but they are being treated fairly and equally.

And, just so you know, I was married & divorced previously, and I got along well with that mother-in-law; currently I am married with 3 mother-in-laws, and they all love me and we all get along (masha'Allah!). My husband (well, even my ex-husband) is very good at being fair, and I think that is the biggest reason why it is easy to get along with my mothers-in-law.

It reminds me of the old saying..."A son is a son 'til he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter the whole of her life."

The men have to know that although they need to respect their mothers and fathers, they are now the head of a household once they get married, and they have a major responsibility for the woman they promised to take care of; sometimes this means that mother may not always be happy with him, but as long as he is being loving and fair, his wife will respect him.

 

[ShyHijabi]

Salaam,

Sister Q8penpals pretty much summed it up perfectly. A LOT of mothers of the husband want to make it a competition between herself and the new wife. The MIL feels insecure and wants to show she loves him more. If the husband is proper and firm he will be a bridge between his wife and mother, not a wall.

Then you have the mother in law that is too critical and controlling of her new daughter in law. Nothing the daughter in law does is right, she cooks wrong, she wears her clothing wrong, her house cleaning is not good enough...and the list goes on and on. At this point the husband should step in and speak to his mother quietly that this is not acceptable. The wife should not have to defend herself to her mother in law.

If the daughter in law is being unfair to her new mother in law then once again, the husband needs to intervene. More often than not the husband just slinks off and leave the two to their own devices...not a good idea. It could end up in broken crockery and maybe some hair pulling. LOL....just kidding but you get the idea.

Wasalaam

 

[safiya58]

:salam2:

but it is not always down on Mothers sometimes it is to be down to the daughters aswell... some girls are just strange... some girls don´t want to have to do anything with the family of the guy... I mean they don´t want a dearly relationship and met on special days only like Ramadan and aid... and on the contrary the MIL is looking forward to see her son getting married and wants the girl to be a part of the family and also wants to share her knowledge with her but if she does so the girl would only get annoyed bec she doesn´t want her to interfer in her affairs instead of beeing thankful to her... and when she is cutting of the ties then it is not the fault of MIL...

 

[Isra]

As salamo alaikome......

Then you have a situation where his mother loves the girl as a person but because she is not of his culture and older than him Mom told him if he marries this girl she will disown him. This is definately a culture thing and NOT Islam yet it is happening even today!!!! It just breaks my heart that Muslims get so caught up in their own culture they forget what this beautiful and PERFECT deen we have is all about..........such a shame!

 

[Hard Rock Moslem]

As a married man, I confirm this is true, very true. No offence sisters, I hope you take note of this.

 

[a_muslimah86]

sister q8penpals summed it up for us sisters (she also mentioned my biggest fear..marrying a MAMA'S BOY!..*sigh*)...the battle of DILs and MILs is *incessant*...it won't ever go away..and those experiencing "peace" are a rarity..so I say..*may Allah sustain that blessing upon you! and may Allah Grant it to others*...

this topic reminded me of a saying which is said often in my culture..it goes..

*a daughter-in-law hoping to be loved by her mother-in-law is like Iblis hoping to enter Jannah!* (talk about scaring the sisters! lol)

 

[ShyHijabi]

So far my marriage has been very peaceful, particularly because I live ina different state than my MIL. So the convos are limited to the phone and I do not have to deal with constant criticism and judgement. I have no idea if this would be the same if we lived closer to each other but I have my suspicions, lol! So in my case it's "Absence makes the heart grow stronger."

 

[a_muslimah86]

So far my marriage has been very peaceful, particularly because I live ina different state than my MIL. So the convos are limited to the phone and I do not have to deal with constant criticism and judgement. I have no idea if this would be the same if we lived closer to each other but I have my suspicions, lol! So in my case it's "Absence makes the heart grow stronger."

Alhamduliallah ukhti!..may you always remain in peace..and mashallah it seems you got some drama taken out of your marriage life..some sisters (especially in Eastern cultures) have to live *with* the family of the husband not only in the same city and/or state but in *the same house*..and so..you can imagine the scenario..the poor sister gets to see *the face of her MIL* before she sees *the rays of the sun* everyday..lol..may you remain blessed and happy..Ameen!

 

[ahmed_indian]

*a daughter-in-law hoping to be loved by her mother-in-law is like Iblis hoping to enter Jannah!* (talk about scaring the sisters! lol)

but i have seen many families where MIL-DIL have good relationships. [though rare]

 

[ahmed_indian]

some sisters (especially in Eastern cultures) have to live *with* the family of the husband not only in the same city and/or state but in *the same house*..and so..you can imagine the scenario..the poor sister gets to see *the face of her MIL* before she sees *the rays of the sun* everyday..

if they have good relations, its not a bad thing anyway sister.

but if they are on wrong terms, then.......

 

[safiya58]

sister q8penpals summed it up for us sisters (she also mentioned my biggest fear..marrying a MAMA'S BOY!..*sigh*)...the battle of DILs and MILs is *incessant*...it won't ever go away..and those experiencing "peace" are a rarity..so I say..*may Allah sustain that blessing upon you! and may Allah Grant it to others*...

this topic reminded me of a saying which is said often in my culture..it goes..

*a daughter-in-law hoping to be loved by her mother-in-law is like Iblis hoping to enter Jannah!* (talk about scaring the sisters! lol)

:salam2:

sister I really did not like this saying... bec it is not always on the mothers sometimes also the daughters are complicated...

however I believe this is a "generation conflict"... time changes and our time is not same like the time our mothers lived. what is taken for granted by MIL is not taken for granted by DIL... the daughters have a bigger responsibility to maintain the relationship cuz they are younger they have to understand and be patiet when they do so then surelly the MIL´s will change their actions too and become "bearable" ... you guys surelly know what I mean with bearable. didn´t want to be disrespectfull to MILs...

 

[safiya58]

if they have good relations, its not a bad thing anyway sister.

but if they are on wrong terms, then.......

:salam2:

..... THEN... they still can live in seperate flats if it is not working but it has also benefits for DIL to live with the family of the husband. For example when she is working she can just leave the kids to the granparents and go to work or when she have an appointed day she also don´t have to worry about who will take care for the kids till then

 

[safiya58]

:salam2: brother abdalilah,
jazak Allahu ckair for your so kind words and ameen... :shymuslima1:

 

[a_muslimah86]

:salam2:

sister I really did not like this saying... bec it is not always on the mothers sometimes also the daughters are complicated...

however I believe this is a "generation conflict"... time changes and our time is not same like the time our mothers lived. what is taken for granted by MIL is not taken for granted by DIL... the daughters have a bigger responsibility to maintain the relationship cuz they are younger they have to understand and be patiet when they do so then surelly the MIL´s will change their actions too and become "bearable" ... you guys surelly know what I mean with bearable. didn´t want to be disrespectfull to MILs...

I mentioned the saying as an attempt of *humor*...it doesn't mean that it is the *equation* through which every MIL and DIL relationship comes out as a *solution* when it's plugged into it...I acknowledged (and still acknowledge) the fact that some DILs have a *rare* relationship of love and respect with their MILs..the point is though..they're *rare*...no one can deny the fact that there will always be sensitivities between these two sides as each one will always have *prejudgements* along with some *convictions* and a list of a number of things through which they will try to claim that they are right 100% and *their way* of maintaining a relationship should be *the* way (this statement applies to *both sides* in a vice-versa fashion)

And in my second reply..I *once again* gave an example in an attempt of *humor*..the topic was getting very serious..and I thought..why not put a smile on a few faces?!...if either reply caused offense..then..pardon me

 

[allah is with me]

me bieng a sister..i will never do like that....why should we do that....

 

[Muslim18]

As a married man, I confirm this is true, very true. No offence sisters, I hope you take note of this.

LOL May Allah make it easy for you ameen

I have taken note.....as the brother said lack of deen, i dont think i would marry a man that didnt love his mother how can i expect him to love me and respect me when he neglects his mother also i wouldnt stand in his way with his relationship with his mother likewise i expect he would allow me to visit my mother....when the man and wife both undertsand their rights of eachother they should respect them and not oppress one another :blackhijab:

Just my opinion nice thread mashaAllah

 

[safiya58]

I mentioned the saying as an attempt of *humor*...it doesn't mean that it is the *equation* through which every MIL and DIL relationship comes out as a *solution* when it's plugged into it...I acknowledged (and still acknowledge) the fact that some DILs have a *rare* relationship of love and respect with their MILs..the point is though..they're *rare*...no one can deny the fact that there will always be sensitivities between these two sides as each one will always have *prejudgements* along with some *convictions* and a list of a number of things through which they will try to claim that they are right 100% and *their way* of maintaining a relationship should be *the* way (this statement applies to *both sides* in a vice-versa fashion)

And in my second reply..I *once again* gave an example in an attempt of *humor*..the topic was getting very serious..and I thought..why not put a smile on a few faces?!...if either reply caused offense..then..pardon me

:salam2:

I don´t believe that you offendet anyone here since we are talking in generall. I think I´m just a bit too serious maybe lol... didn´t understand it was meant humorously
yeah you are right there will always be sensitivities between them. I call it a "genaration conflict". but a daughter can solve the problem by beeing patient and not be stubborn and dogmatic. it is in her hands. if her MIL is really bad towards her and does not change even if she gives all her best to please everyone and is a good wife then she will gain so much ajar and Allah Subanallahu Teala will reward her for her patience in hereafter and bless her with a DIL who will be good to her in future like she was to her MIL inshaallah. we say on turkish: the one who loves his/her rose also have to love it thorns/ or have to accept it thorns

 

[naaad]

AS Salaam Alaikum,

Another reason for this disagreements between a MIL and DIL is that the man’s mother expects his wife to take care of him and all his needs as good as she has done. And I guess, this is right on her part! I know of wives who take good care of themselves but neglect their husbands and this hurts the mother who has taken care of him since his childhood till date. So her anger is right in its place.
But yes there are MILs who, no matter how good the DIL is always await a chance to attack her verbally. Which is a serious “wrong”!

In my opinion- it’s the man who needs to take full control of all situations. He should be extremely loving with his mother as well as wife. And he should have the right judgement where he should know who is right and who is not. And deal with situations justly without taking sides and always speaking the truth. Because he is the one who knows both women perfectly!

Well well, my parents, my brothers- their wives, their children and we-unmarried daughters--- all stay in one house together and ALHAMDULILLAH!! There are no MIL-DIL quarrels here. I give complete credit to my mother who has handled every situation and every member of the house perfectly and patiently. She deals perfectly with her children and in-laws(be it DIL, MIL or whatever) Sometimes we(her daughters) get annoyed about a situation we felt was wrong, she tells us “be patient” and things will fall in their right place… MASHALLAH, her admirable behaviour and manners have been the main factor responsible for keeping the relations cooll and happy!

And yes a man should love his mother and never displease her, not even for his wife. And I am saying that even for myself. I would be really glad if my future-husband kept his mother always happy. I would understand if he would displease me for that….

PATIENCE & POSITIVE THINKING matters a lot!!!