Need Advice - Serious Only Please

[Distressed_Siste]

Assalamu'alaikum everyone,

I am new on this site, and am only here for advice. Serious advice please.

I know my situation is in the hands of Allah (swt), but I don't know what to do. I don't know if what I'm doing is right, how long I should deal with it, or what I should do. I'm so confused.

I had an arranged marriage over 6 years ago. About a year into my marriage, my husband cheated on me. He went to Mexico and paid for oral sex. The sad thing is I knew about it. I knew what he was going to do, because I wouldn't do it myself.

I didn't think it was going to affect me, but it did. But over time, I forgot about it. I think due to this and other stresses like family and job I started gaining a lot of weight as well. My husband is overweight also, but wants a skinny wife. I've tried everything. Anyways, this isn't what I need advice on.

About 2 years ago, he called over his parents and my parents and said he wanted to end the relationship. The parents put him off the idea.

About a year ago, he cheated on me again, this time not oral, but penetration. Not once, but twice. And he didn't tell me this until he told me to leave. Its almost like he's deliberately driving me away.

A couple weeks ago, I caught him trying to have a relationship with someone from myspace. Someone who he was planning on meeting, and he'd been talking to (only online) on and off for a year now. That's made me even more sad.

I can't threaten him, I have no teeth to show - I mean he's cheated on me several times, but am still with him. He puts the guilt trip on ME saying that he does it because of me and how I act. The logical answer would be to get out of the relationship. I'm a very strong girl, but I almost feel like a battered wife in this situation. I can't seem to rid of it due to various reasons (I don't want to dissappoint my family, lose his family, make myself look like I'm a failure).

Tell me what I should do islamically. Allah (swt) says that he is testing us all, but I don't know if I can deal with this anymore. And I'm 26 and getting old, so I know I won't be moving on either.

HELP!

 

[samiha]

:salam2:

I have re-moved this post... I hope Allah makes things Easy for you sis.

 

[Distressed_Siste]

Jazakallah'Khair Darlin'.

 

[IbnAlAawam]

Salam alaykoum sister,

Have you tried mediation? Trying to get someone you both trust that could help? Ideally one member from his familly and one from yours?
Also remember you need to think about your own health (hiv aids and other didease you husband might catch and then passes on to you, Allah te protege).

What ever decision you take, take it after praying the Istkhara prayer (consultation prayer):
Link to thread about the Consultation Prayer

May Allah reward your patience generously,

Salam alaykoum

 

[Distressed_Siste]

IbnalAawam..

Thanks for that. The mediation happened with his parents and my parents. The parents don't want the separation to happen (they want us to happy already and have kids - which he refuses to have with me because he says he's not happy).

My husband is very Americanised (I know I'm generalising here and assuming loads of things about Americans), he feels ... hmm.. cheated somehow that he wasn't allowed to experience relationships with other women.

Obviously, he has a lot of insecurity, some of it probably sparked by me and my family (their social status makes him feel inadequate).

As far as the Istakhara prayer - someone else mentioned this to me as well. I think I'm afraid to do it because I've just recently became more enthusiastic of my religion and need to become more Islamic. I know that once you do the istakhara prayer, whatever you see, or the sign you get, you'll have to do it. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough for it.

 

[IbnAlAawam]

If you have not got children yet, i hink it would be a good idea not to have any until the problem has been resolved.

He puts the guilt trip on ME saying that he does it because of me I hope you do not fall for that sister.

I recommend you do the Istikhara prayers ( you can do it several times) and put your trust in Allah (awj).

Salam alaykoum,

 

[justoneofmillion]

why don`t marry a muslim

try to tell him about islam give him books try and get involved in friendship withpractising muslims sister if your husband if he doesn`t get it sister , it doesn`t matter that he is born muslim or not, islam is not a birth licence it is a religion that is based both on pratic and faith,the one as a reminder the second
as a source of strainght and hope ,if your parents are religious just tell them about it ,tell them that he is having the most unislamic behaviour, frankly sister if you feel that nobody understands you and that he doesn`t improve in my view it is better to divorce than staying married to a kaffir sister you would have to pay for it in this life as well as in the hereafter islam allows you to divorce in such extreem situations the law allows you to divorce! so ther you have it both ways no bearer of sin will pay for the sin of another ,and ALLAH swt as well as the believers will be with you if you are truly practising your religion i whish for you to find a good ,pious brother, who is not going to do these shamless things at the back of his wife!!i my mother was a german revert man if you could only see how she took it to heart!!!it makes me feel so angry tp see born muslims acting this way they have no honor no roots and no dignity.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!as i said try the diplomatic way with your parents first!! iwhish you all the good my dear sister be safe and most of all be smart and pious inschallah allah wiil be with you if you have (niya):angryred:

 

[Distressed_Siste]

Thanks to everyone for replying, and for more replies!

Justone.. yes I understand.

I want to know, in Islam, will I be punished for continuing to deal with this situation? Especially since there doesn't seem to be an end to it?

I fear that once I have kids (of course I'm not having them now, not in a million chance I'd ever do that) .. my husband may get worse. He believes that husband and wives shouldn't have any disagreements or fights. That if you have those, then you're not in love and shouldn't be together.

I was raised all my life here in the US, and he was born here. Other women have always been a temptation for him. He blames everyone else for his problems and expects others to keep him happy regardless of him making himself happy.

I know I'm ranting. And I feel like I'm betraying my husband by posting about him. But nobody in my family knows about his infidelity. Only one friend knows.

 

[virtualeye]

I know I'm ranting. And I feel like I'm betraying my husband by posting about him. But nobody in my family knows about his infidelity. Only one friend knows.

AssalaamuAlaikum,

Sister, the matter you told above, i.e. nobody knows about the infidelity of your husband. Its very dangerous to keep it hidden from the mediation party. You must tell your parents first. How can you get good advice from your parents if you dont tell them what happened actually?
And if your parents decide to breakup then they can inform the parents of your husband also, about what your husband is doing.


You also might have been bitter to your husband so he does not like you. On the other hand, he might be of ugly nature that he is not compromisable. Both things might be there.

Ofcourse it is not good to tell general public about those sexual matters of your husband but telling this to mediation party is very much essential, and it becomes more trustable to tell when mediation party is your own parents.

You are actually putting yourself in trouble by not getting total mediation.
Total mediation = tell all the story to your parents.

And ofcourse, Istikharah is good to do.

Wassalaam,
VE

 

[umm hussain]

Walaikum salam warahmatullah

I agree with brother virtualeye if you dont tell your mediators everything of course they will tell you to stay or advise you to stay because they think the problem is minor. I or anyone else should not put up with that kind of abuse and then put the blame on you. Allah does not punish someone because of someone else's sins, so this is just a way of hiding behind a wall and not wanting to face reality. Is your husband a Muslim or just someone born isn a Muslim family with an 'Islamic@ name. If he isnt Muslim, i.e doesnt pray,fast etc then you are not allowed to be married to him and it isnt a marriage it is Zina so there will be no divorce required since it isnt marriage in the first place.

At 26 you are not getting too old, some people get married at 26 it is time you move on and inshallah you will find someone better. If you let yourself stay in that marriage you are letting him abuse you further and you have put up with it this long so he feels you are not going to go anywhere. you say you are strong so why dont you put your strength into practise. There are always two sides to a story but if he is really that bad why would you not want to move on, maybe it is insecurity. You mentioned that you want to start practising as well now I think that is brilliant take it as another chance and maybe all that is going on might be a result of you not practising your religion sincerely. Ask Allah for forgiveness and ask him for help because he alone truly understands your situation

If you make isthikar that is even better, are you afraid that the answer will be for you to leave him, dont you think that will be beneficial for you. Would you really want this man to be the father of your children and would you want to live with him for the rest of your life.

It would be better in my opinion to leave him now before you have any children with him. Getting married for 6 years with no children is a long time and maybe there is wisdom in this and Allah knows best maybe if you meet someone truly fearing Allah you might have children if Allah wills. You say you will not have children with him but whether we have children or not is upto Allah but if you stay in that relationship you might have one and maybe it will be a lot harder to move on because you will have to be continuously in touch because of the children rather than moving on and forgetting about him.

 

[virtualeye]

AssalaamuAlaikum,

One thing to ponder about. If this is the situation before having children then what will be impact on the children if you will have? Will they learn shamelessness from their father?

Secondly, such a sexual pervert can get deadly diseases from those whores.

The only possibility to live with such person is in case if and only if he repents. And this is not happening at the moment. According to your description, you husband seems to be follower of his nafs and likes illegal sexual activities with chicas and does not lower his gaze and feel thankful on what he has.

On the other hand, please think if you had been bad to him so he was diverted, OR did you ever deny the physical relation with you?

These are the things to be pondered by you along with your parents. Your parents can only give you right advice if and only if you tell them all the story. And telling your parents about your husbands bad character is not betraying.

If someone does Zulm (cruelty/injustice) to you then you are free to tell that he did such such bad to you. It is not betraying. If someone did not do bad to you but he is only doing bad to himself only then we cant tell other people about his character, because that will be can be betraying.


Wassalaam,
VE

 

[dna1987]

Salam alaikum.

The advice already given above is very good. I just wanted to say that I feel for you; reading your original post made me very upset. I suggest that you find someone else. 26 is not that old at all, as some of the unmarried members on TTI, that are older than you, will tell you. (Lol, always time for a lil joke). Keep your head up high, and keep praying.

At the moment, it may seem that either option is bad - staying with him is bad obviously, for all the reasons you've stated. And leaving him also will make you make you look bad in front of family and friends. I personally feel that out of the two options, sticking with a character such as his will be worse on the long run. Try looking ten years ahead, if you have kids with him..there will be lots of other painful events, it will be harder to leave if you have children and you'll have to suffer through this pain during that whole time. On the other hand, if you leave him, maybe you will feel embarrassed and shy (etc) for .. 6 months, or a year, or maybe even two; but over a longer term, ten years from now maybe, you will be with someone much better - a good Muslim guy . Remember, this is just my suggestion. Pray that Allah guides you into making the best choice. I just did.

Take care. Salam alaikum.

 

[Abu Eesaa]

Salaam sister,

You know you are entitled to divorce him, if you so wish.....
It is halal but the one of those halal's that is detested.....
My first advice to you would be is to be patient and make dua....
Inshallah Allah(swt) will reward you for this in this life and the next.....
However if the situation has got to the point you cant take it any more, Then sister you have the right to make the decision of divorce and this did happen during the Prophet(saw) time. A woman came to the prophet(saw) and said my husband is a very good muslim and he's the best person and so and so, but I feel if I remain with him, I will damage my religion.....
To cut a long story short Prophet(saw) allowed this divorce to take place....
My only advice to you is dont talk bad about ur husband to people, as thats not the muslim way.... but do what you need to do... It may be an Idea to speak to sisters in ur local mosque and get them to ask a mufti for advice....

Salaam

Abu Eesaa

 

[visionusman]

assalamualaikum sister. take this advice i give you very seriously. by that i mean give it some really serious consideration.

firstly you can not be held responsible for your husband's sins at all. that is the beauty of our religion. every one has to answer for their own deeds. so by being patient you are not sinning. however my advice to you is to consider all your options once again and above all have faith in the Lord.

i am older than you and have seen many ups and downs in my own life. some of those related to my marriage (now thankfully over). although any thing is possible, it is highly unlikely that your husband will ever change. at least not untill you are with him any way. his and your best chances are probably going your separate ways. so put your trust in your Lord, do istikhara and be prepared for some very very difficult times; but continue to have faith. remember after every difficulty there is relief. I think that once you ask to leave your husband (as a just right of yours), Allah SWT might test you you even more. But I think you said some where that you are a strong woman. InshAllah Allah will than reward you with some thing much better if you continue to show patience. That is what you should aim for and persevere in the mean while. As you said you are 26 and not getting any younger.

lastly allow me to remind you of a hadith. The Prophet SAW once said that any one who does istikhara never fails. So the message is do istikhara not just when you are uncertain as to what you should do, but also when you are certain. In my own marriage I was at the cross roads twice (well strictly speaking all the time) and on both occasions I seeked Allah's counsel. On the first occasion I was clearly guided not to divorce as my wife had just become pregnant then. No one knew the sex of the child at the time, but I saw my own daughter in the dream and also that some one kidnapped her and then killed her. I decided not to divorce. My wife later told me that she had visited her gp and was considering abortion. Had I left her, she would have gone ahead. The next time I seeked Allah's counsel I felt that there would be very tough times ahead, but everything is from the Lord so be patient and leave your matters to the creator. no dream this time just a feeling. I divorced my wife and believe me, despite all the initial difficulties, all things seem now to be turning out for the best inshAllah and I have never regretted leaving her. Alhamdullilah.

 

[learnermuslim]

Salaams Distressed Sister,

First of all must praise you for your bravery by being so honest and inshallah, as you have already experienced you will get good help from your brothers and sisters on this site.

Sadly your situation is not unique and rest assured that other sisters are unfortunately going through the same all over the world, so don't feel lonely and don't feel Allah is singling you out for any kind of punishment etc. whatever anyone says, indeed, Allah tests only those he loves.

I think I would back the posts calling for total honesty in mediation, let his parents know what kind of a man he is and then let them decide if you should continue to suffer. I mean the fact that he has cheated on you is enough grounds for divorce on its own. I'm sure he wouldnt be as understanding were the shoe on the other foot. And as you say, it does seem that he is deliberately trying to push you away, but wanting you to take the first step to save his and his families false face. I don't think e any grounds to justify cheating on you, whatever he may feel or say, he should have been strong enough to deal with his life and not after involving someone else.

I would also urge you to contact Sister organisations and learned sisters in addition to local imans and the sort, sadly male islamic leaders especially those from certain regions would favour the male and may try wrongly to urge you to compromise when you shouldn't, If Allah has not asked you to compromise, who are they to tell you that. I can understand the social pressures you must be under but as long as your niyat is sound, you have nothing to fear, let stupid people bray, thats all their good for.

Be strong and indeed try to workout the situation for the better, may be your husband will change but if he doesnt, prepare both spiritually and legally to see him off. Please do not suffer, you are young and inshAllah there are righteous brothers out there who would not only understand the reason behind your potential divorce and infact see you as better for it, in that you maintained your Deen, inspite of wrong family values and social pressures.

Islam frees women from these situations and with Allah the best guide and guardian, inshallah you will come out of this stronger, happier and better, Ameen.

So start today, tell everyone (those you trust and arer helping in the mediation) openly the reasons why you have been put in this position by your husband and move forward with your head held high and secure in the knowledge that Allah will lead you to a better furture.

There is also a link to a site that has a muslim "agony aunt" and info on married life, its very open and pray it might help in some way:

www.zawaj.com

In the meantime, we will all pray for you and inshallah hope to hear that the matter has been satisfactorily resolved for you very soon.


Fi amanAllah

 

[junaid hasan]

allah taál gave woman a lot of capability to sacrifise but it doesn´t mean that she is not allowed to do something.

its better to make dua for him, and if allah shows him the right path how to behave his self with her wife then everything will be allright.

and as you told your situation you have proof enough to get a divorce.

but as long as i know divorce is allowed but allah doesn´t like it also.

allah will help you inshallah.

 

[Amirah84]

:salam2:
Dear sister,

I;m really sorry to hear about your situation. However I really don't think that brothers n sisters on this forum would be able to provide you with a right solution. Your situation seems very serious and I'd advise you to contact an imam/sheik to find answers to your questions. It's very easy for us to say do this or that but I don't thionk thats the right way of doing this.
So InshaAllah I';ll pm you with someone you can contact who inshallah will be able to advise you accordingly.

Take care and I;ll make dua for you,


Sister Amirah

 

[learnermuslim]

Salaams Sister Amirah84,

Correctly you state that brother's and sister's posts will not provide the authoritive help this Sister needs and as she has stated is already going about it in a sensible manner and will inshAllah seek more learned and professional help.

However, I think what she is looking for and finding is support in her time of need , which in certain cultures and due to problem is not so easily avialable. I think what she will find is that there are others like her outthere and she is not alone, which can be a great help in itself.

Of course all our prayers can be the best help she gets here inshAllah.

But to end I do back your post about not taking our posts as definitive or to base her actions on, it is purely up to her and what she feels is right for her after taking in to account all possible angles , assistance.

Fi amanAllah

 

[Aapa]

Sister,

Your situation is a very serious matter. One please contact your masjid. Counseling will be available there. www.islamonline.net has a cyber counselor who will give you insightful islamic answers from scholors.
Living in the states is a trip. We are expected to live a life devoted to sex. It is an obsession here. Your concerns are related to the sexuality of the marriage. You do not mention the breakdown in communication, the financial situation, the intellectual, the social fabric of your marriage. Marriage is very serious business. Are there other issues? You do not have to respond , this is a very public forum..you have very intimate issues. Is this simply a matter of he wants me to be freaky and I can't or are there more issues.
There is no blame...pray...read about the wives of the Prophet (swas)...there is marriage counseling available...you still want to be a good wife to him..otherwise you would not have written..and you have a family here who will pray with you..

 

[Wulf]

A'Salamu Alaikum Sister

I have read your post and the responses several times now. Having gone through a similar situation myself, (with my wife being unfaithful), I feel your pain.

It would apear that every possible avenue of redress, from an Islamic point of view has been touched upon here. But in sayong this, i am not yet learned enough in Islam to make comment in that way.

From another view, as an experienced counsellor, I can only see from a secular scenario.
You have probably lost the ability to trust him, he has betrayed that trust many times, despite all yours, and the Family's, attempts to find reconciliation. Should you find reconciliation, could you find, within yourself, the ability to trust again?
How long will it be before he starts to look around again?
You say he blames you for his actions? I call this "Guilt Transferance". This is where the guilty try to absolve themselves from the responsibilty for their own actions, by passing the blame on to others. In doing this they see themselves as faultless, and therefore free to continue what they are doing.
He knows the difference between what is Halal and what is Haram. he has made his choices.
This behaviour sometimes is seen as a form of psychosis, I have always believed that in atributing a "Condition" to the actions of another is only making excuses.
If you remain with him and do have a child together, how long will it last?
I tried for 13 years to help my wife, but now all I see is the sad face of our daughter, and listen to her tears.

To my mind you have shown great strength in staying for so long. No guilt could ever be attributed in your direction because you have tried, with all of your strength, to find a solution. But to no avail

You have followed the right path in seeking the help of Allah (swt). I believe that your husband, by refusing to obey the laws of Allah swt, is in disobedience to those laws.

In the end it is you who must make the choices, and there are only two paths you can take. Only Allah swt can guide you.
If you are guided to leave then do so with the knowledge that any shame is your husband's burden to bear, not yours. For he is the betrayer, not you.

I pray to Allah swt, that he guide you, and give you strength, in finding the right path path to follow, and that these difficulties do not diminish your faith in any way, but make you stronger in your faith and love for Him swt. Ameen

Be strong Sister and find your strength in Allah swt.

W'Asalaam

Ibrahim