Need Advice - Serious Only Please

[Distressed_Siste]

Assalamu'alaikum Brothers and Sisters,

What can I say? Your posts have made me weep. I cannot tell you the strength I find in your words. Those of you who have gone through these types of situations have renewed my belief that I'm not alone, and somewhat gives me hope for the future.

Brother Virtualeye, you asked that I be honest to my mediators. The mediation only happened once a couple of years ago. There's something all of you have to understand, my husband has NO desire of being with me. This marriage has become a one-way street, if I want to keep it, I have to work at it. As stupid as I may sound, I feel like its a personal failure if I can't make it work. And I know I can't make someone love me, and in truth, I don't know if I love him. I think it's more to do with pride than anything.

The reasons for trying to make it work are:

1) My parents: they're so old - Mother hardly has any years left after being diagnosed with Liver disease and heart failure. I don't want to be the one that sends her to her grave unhappy. If she found out about the infidelity, it would be disasterous.

2) I don't want to lose the wonderful relationships I've created through this marriage. In most marriages there is either the family is good and the husband/wife not so good and vice versa that keeps people planted. In my case, I'm afraid of losing those relationships.

3) Personal failure. And I feel like my husband is making a grave mistake.

I try so hard at this. I'm not a new Muslim, I was born into it, but have been studying it more intently for 4 years now, seeking deliverance from my issue.

I cook everyday, clean, do everything a wife is supposed to do. I also work full time so my husband doesn't get stuck with paying for our mortgage alone or is stressed financially, even though my dream is to own my own business like the rest of the family.

I know about what Islam says the rules of divorce are. My husband is a Muslim as well, and used to be quite religious, in fact this marriage was one he had prayed for (he prayed to be married here in the US and it happened) while he was at a Ijtama. He's not so religious anymore. He's given up on everything.

I feel pain for him. And want to help him. The more stress I'm relieving of his, I'm creating for myself by pardoning his actions and asking him not to do it again. There is no attraction left in the marriage. There never was. Our marriage was a forced arranged marriage. And to be honest, some of these issues are self created - Allah (swt) is just in what punishment I am getting now. I made my husband feel like I didn't love him for the first year of our marriage.

I will call our local imam tonight, he is a just man and hope that he can help me. I will also take your advice and do Istikhara, however I'm not sure of how this is performed? Is it praying two nafil and then making dua for an answer to this problem? Is there special Surahs I'm supposed to read?

Jazakallah Khair for all your kind words.

Khuda Hafiz

 

[MOHAMMEDFALIQ]

Hey, I really wish I could Help

I REALLY REALLY wish i could help , .Im only 16 and dont know what to do in this sort of situations.

but due to my knowledge in islam a man who cheats on his wife That man just made one horrible sin and i dont know if that can be forggiven by allah.

my advice to u is to pray , and read the quran. Im sure it will help you .
May allah be with u.

I wish i could do more to help

 

[Raed]

AHHHH... Only if we live in khilafah time.....*dreaming*

 

[Distressed_Siste]

Regardless of whether or not we lived in a certain time or not, the ultimate decision is ours.

I just don't know if I have it in me to do what is right. I'm just confused of what MIGHT be right in my situation. Hopefully calling the imam will clear some stuff for me.

 

[bayareabilal]

I say leave him

Dear Sister,
First and foremost ask your Imam to help you find a scholar whom Allah has given the knowledge to make decisions in conformity with Islam. Secondly, you are not old...our youth extends to the age of 40 and I am sure there are countless other men who would love to spend the rest of their lives with a women like you. I myself will actually be making my intention inshallah to marry a divorced woman older than you and I am only 27!
Follow the advise of the others on this site as well as your heart and BELIEVE that if people knew the details of what your husband has done and therefore put you through they would all unequivocally tell you to divorce him if he does not change his ways. You are very bright and my heart goes out to you. Nobody should have to put up with what you have put up with and we all deserve the love and respect from our spouses.
You have done nothing to deserve this and from what it sounds like nothing you can do will make him happy. He has serious issues he needs guidance from Allah. When the time is right I advise you to disappear and never speak to him again...but alas, speak with someone educated enough to back up what I have said before you go and do it. Just tell him

 

[Laura]

Dear sister,
firstly i pray inshallah, that your situation is resovled.
Meditiation seems the first and best way to overcome your problems, but as others have said, you must be honest with your arbitrators because holding them back, perhaps as a way or protecting your husband will only mask the problem.
You worry about about being punished by Allah if you let the situation continue but i have been told that Allah rewards individuals who bear difficult situations in marriage with patience, especially if it the other party who is more at fault.
But there are also other things to think about on your part such as whether your husbands actions are affecting your faith to a degree that is no longer bareable and to remember that your husbands actions are extremely serious ones. I'm not sure how much you feel your actions are to blame for his need to resort to unlawfull relations outside the marriage but remember as a muslim woman you have a right to be respected and treated fairly by your husband in every respect.
Remember, whatever you choose your Lord will not judge you wrongly for either parting with your husband or staying with him, if it is the correct choice!
I hope this helps you a little. Peace be upon you

p.s-at 26 you are not old (my mum has just got re-married at 54) and you talked of concerns about weight-well Allah lent you a body as a home for the soul. That is the real source of beauty and I hope your husband is able to see that!

 

[rope7]

Assalamu Alaykum Warahmatullah

Sister you need to advise ur husband sincerely for there is no shyness in presenting the haq ( Truth) IF your husband does not repent and does leave his adultery then u are NOT allowed to be married to him anymore.

Let him think bout his acts, for he is not a believer when he commits the act.

 

[MuslimGirl71194]

My beloved sister, how I feel for you. Here is some advice; try counseling and try to work it out. He might not know how to deal with commitment so counseling will teach him. If it doesn't work, leave him. If it does, Inshallah, make yourself beautiful for him, my sister. A'ishah the Prophet Muhammad's (pbuh) wife was so beautiful,loving and pleasing that every time her husband set eyes on her, she instilled desire, love and joy into his heart. She was eager to please and always beautiful when in his presence. A woman is the only one Allah (SWT) gave the power to give joy to men so it is her job to please her husband. Keep praying and being a faithful Muslimah for Allah (SWT) knows what he is doing. He has things planned for you that he only knows for He is The Knower of the Unknown. Trust Allah for everything happens for a reason. I will make du'a for you, sister. Good luck and may things work out for you, Inshallah,

-Yasmina

 

[nyerekareem]

salaam sister

i believe that you should end the relationship when possible. i say this because you and your husband do not have any children together, which makes it easier to end the relationship. when you have children with someone it makes leaving the relationship much more difficult and it also means that the father is always going to be a part of your lives. however if you leave now, you have the ability to move on with your lives.

make the ishtikharah prayer and ask Allah swt for guidance.

 

[Doris]

Bismilah,

Truly and sincerly I am most dissappointed from some of the replies. Subhanallah, how in the world this problem with a fornicating husband who is for certain a kafir cannot be solved in a different way. Short and precise sister you must divorce this kafir-fornicator and divorce him with a smile in your face wallahi bilahi.

Even if you weren't a muslim, you shouldn't stay with someone who has cheated on you because you feel disgusted.

As for being obese, I know you hear a lot about what is inside matters and all that but really, if you are healthy then be happy with this deen.

Divorce him, this is advice from the scholars in the situation you are in. In Islam divorce is not liked but in your case you MUST divorce him.

 

[virtualeye]

Assalamu'alaikum Brothers and Sisters,

I made my husband feel like I didn't love him for the first year of our marriage.
Khuda Hafiz

WaAlaikumussalaam,

Sister,

At least you have admitted some of your part. As they say, first impression is the last impression. The seed of cold relationship was sowed in the first year of marriage.

I have guessed that your background is from Pakistan or India? Well, the women living in Pakistan or India have these kind of fears of divorce because they are quite submitting to their parents, that is why they accept arranged marriages mostly.

I suggest you to not give so much weight to the concerns of your mother. In case of divorce, you should seek marriage immediately after your eddat (4 months 10 days), but you can start searching for it beforehand and then you can talk to the candidate after your period of eddat. In that case, your mother might not get so much pain from your side. But just ruining your life along with your possible children, will be a worse matter if your husband does not repent. And there is a very little chance of repentance I think, because we can observe how many of such people are repenting usually.

Getting married immediately after eddat, will not give so much sorrow to your parents, instead they might feel relieved.

There is an other option. You can tell your father separately about this issue in detail and ask him not to tell your mother.


May Allah help you come out of this situation,

Wassalaam,
VE

 

[Distressed_Siste]

Assalamu'alaikum,

If it does, Inshallah, make yourself beautiful for him, my sister. A'ishah the Prophet Muhammad's (pbuh) wife was so beautiful,loving and pleasing that every time her husband set eyes on her, she instilled desire, love and joy into his heart.

-Yasmina

Sweetheart, I thought that my weight issue was THE problem for the last couple of years, however, when we got married I was quite fit and took care of my body a lot. But even then he had cheated on me. I know this isn't a tradeoff, but I am now working to make myself back to the stage I was physically Inshallah.

Virtualeye - yes brother, I am Pakistani. As extreme as what I say next may sound, it'll surely be my faith: if this marriage doesn't work, I shall not remarry again. To be honest, I've gone cold inside - even though I don't show it (my family thinks I'm happy, cuz I joke around too much), I seem to not have an expectations of the future. Okay, I'll stop here, I'll just end up whining again. The up side of the loss will be that I'll be able to fully concentrate on my religion and possibly pursuing my dream of owning my own business, Inshallah if Allah (swt) is willing.

Thanks to all of you, I've contacted the imam's wife and shall speak to her in more detail sometime today while at work. It didn't seem appropriate chatting with her at home.


Jazak'Allah Khair

 

[Sonia88]

:salam2:

Sister it seems from what u are saying that u know more or less no matter wat u do 4 him, hes not going to change anytym soon, and the fact that ur feeling the way u r its best that u get out of this relationship. ur only 26, r u really going to spend the rest of ur lyf with this guy?
do u think if u sorted ur relationship out u cud forgive n forget evrything that has happened?
if u think that yaz will be able to repair the damage that has been dun then try. but i really think you deserve soo much better and religious brother who will treat u ryt. lol im upset hearing this but inshallah everything will be okay.
and u saying that u'll never marry agen, u never know. i dont blame u for saying that, but inshallah if it duznt wrk out wiv ur husband u will find sum1 better.
hes is not deserving of you, n i dont think im being harsh at all.

:tti_sister:
take care sister x x Inshallah things will work out.

 

[harun]

May ALLAH(t) help you!

 

[Abu Eesaa]

Salaam,

Astagfirullah all these people advising wot they want and willy nilly throwing the word kafir around... Any SIN can be forgiven except Shirk......

Muslims need to learn to stop calling other muslims Kafir as this is such a strong word calling a muslim a disbeliever....
Just make Dua that all you guys who call other muslims Kafirs Die on the HAQ on the Deen of ISLAM and not as Kafir........

Sister you are allowed to divorce thats ur right..... But dont let us brothers and sisters make that decision for you as we have no right......
Speak to a established scholar and get advice from him......

I make dua for you and ur husband and may Allah give you the outcome which is best for you guys.....

Salaam

Abu Eesaa

 

[Distressed_Siste]

Assalamu'alaikum,

Abu Eesaa, I agree. I don't want to think of my husband as a Kafir. I know sometimes people get confused with the term.

Regardless of that, everyone who has posted here to this post has been very supportive and kind. I have nothing but well wishes for them all. My husband has a problem controlling his nafs, always had. Maybe I just wasn't temptation enough to meet his needs.

Brother Wulf, I read your post again today. I'm so sorry about your situation man. I reckon your pain is far greater than mine and I shall keep you in my prayers.

Jazak'Allah

 

[raihana]

asww

:salam2: sister I have read ur post I know ur situation but think that ,may be this is something good for u may be ur getting much more good one then the ex dont get distresses for everything put faith in allah and never think allah is treating somewhat way he fashione ur life for the good of u and may allah reward you afterlife:tti_sister: :tti_sister:

 

[saima11]

:salam2:

i can not think off words or advice for you,my sister i just pray for you and other sisters in similar situations.

 

[Aapa]

Sister,

The theme I keep hearing from you is the fingerpointing at him. It takes two. Please...what are you doing to transform yourself into a better Muslim wife. How is this experince helping keep your families united. How is this situation making you a more loving human being, where is sacrifice in this. If you want out be honest with yourself..and get out. Don't point the finger at him.
Do not get into the Oprah club mentality..he's no good..find a better man...because those women don't have husbands!!!
In Islam we are told to speak to our families...other married women who have experinced and survived ...where is the word forgiveness in your issue?

 

[Distressed_Siste]

*blinks at Mirajmom's post*

Err, you're right sweetheart. I blame myself just as much for everything he's doing. As far as forgiveness, I forgave him the 1st time. Then I forgave him for the two times he visited the massage parlor and cheated on me 7-8 months ago (could be a year, I don't remember). And now he's planning a trip to Mexico again with his friends to probably cheat on me AGAIN.

In turn, I have not been unfaithful to him, or have changed towards him. I still work and give him my money (for the house and bills), and I cook and take care of his household needs.

I'm not fingerpointing. And sister, that's why I'm so distressed, I don't want to be in the "oprah club."

Um.. I will probably stop posting now.

Thanks everyone.

wa'salaam