the hardship of minorities when searching for a wife

[nyerekareem]

salaam to all,

i must admit that these past few weeks i've been feeling a bit depressed over the issue of marriage. it's not that i don't like marriage or that i'm being forced to marry someone; it's just my onability to find someone. it has been my experience that many muslims ( not all ) have been too steeped in their culture when it comes to marriage and not the piety of a potential marriage partner. to some, i'd be a great husband for someone's daughter had i only been pakistani or egyptian. i am born and raised in the u.s. but my ethnicity is hispanic. therefore there aren't many hispanic muslims for me to consider for marriage. i am very attracted to women from the middle east or india and pakistan, but unfortunately i don't feel that i'm eligible to take any of these women as brides because i know how much culture plays a part in marriage for many of these people.

it's weird because i know that if i were to do things unislamically, i could easily find a wife. but that's the problem, i don't want to do things unislamically. while i'm in the masjid, i do feel true islamic brotherhood, but the line is drawn when i have interest in a ethnically different muslim. i have a good job, i'm respectful to all and i'm strong in my faith, but that hasn't been enough to gain approval from the women's parents.

do i think that these people are racists? no. i do feel however, that many have forgotten that islam comes before the culture of a people. it's terribly hard because my mom, who is not a muslim has no problem with me being with a woman of another race or culture and yet there are people that are muslims that have a problem with it.

i wish not to offend anyone, but it's something that i had to get out.

salaam

 

[virtualeye]

AssalaamuAlaikum,

Brother, my suggestion to you is to find a revert sister. Pakistani sisters who are born Muslimah will hardly have such exposure of diersity and sacrifice for different culture.

you said:
i do feel however, that many have forgotten that islam comes before the culture of a people.

Actually this might be the same reason for the hesitation of Pakistanis Muslim parents also. Because not many male people are there who consider Islam to be higher than cultural aspects. It is very easier for a Pakistani boy to marry the girl of diverse culture but the parents of a daughter feel more reservation (afterall its the matter of their daughter and not son)

You keep yourself modest for the sake of Allah. And I hope you change your selection criteria a bit and find some non-Pakistani Muslimah and do not forget:

"'May Allah reward you with million times more beautiful wives in Jannah."

Wassalaam,
VE

 

[Muhammad_A]

I'm kind of in the same boat (except white, English and Muslim). But, hamdulIllah, there's no shortage of white English Muslimahs in the UK and I've already been informed of one potential marriage partner.

As VE said you'd be far better off looking in the revert community as they're more likely to be open to marrying outside clan/tribe/race.

InshAllah we both have success.

 

[Globalpeace]

Is it only about Culture?

W-Salam Brother,

I am not going to defend anyone's actions which are in contradiction to the Qur'aan and the Sunnah, but let's look at the problem from another angle.

It is a sad state of affairs and may Allah (SWT) help us all (Ameen)!

Having grown up and lived up in the USA; Have you looked at the divorce rates amongst the Mulim coummunity; particularly amongst mixed-race couples? You can go to any Muslim community in America from Los Angeles to Miami & look at the situation yourself.

It has to do a lot with culture and race; but in my opinion and experience as someone who deals with Brothers/Sisters and their parents a lot of people are simply scared and protective; granted that sometimes it crosses the boundries and becomes racism.

There was a revert English White Brother who recently married a Gujrati Indian Muslimah (they were both in the university together) and after having discussed with her father you'll be surpirsed that race wasn't his objection & he fully understood and appreciate Brother's piety and following the Sunnah!

Having discussed things in detail he was worried about mixed-race marriage and how they would fit into the community & highlighted some very genuine fears (in his mind)...

In my Pakistani family we have White, Black, Chinese, Afghan and Trinidadian Muslims (both men and women) who have married into it; so as you can see we are a fairly open bunch & I know many Pakistanee families who are similer...However that has also given me a unique perspective to study these relationships

Moreover there is also a clash of eductional, economic & social background; you can't take 2 people from 2 extreme eductional, economic & social backgrounds and expect the marraige to last even though they both be practising Muslims...

Finally my last point; a lot of Muslims in the West are considering Hijrah and in this case you have to seriously consider marrying outside of your culture...Is it going to be a help or hinder in your Islamic future!

So its hard for a father to let go of a daughter sometimes my Brother...No Father in the world wants to stand in the way of her daughter's happiness!

No offense to anyone; just my thoughts and experiences.

salaam to all,

i must admit that these past few weeks i've been feeling a bit depressed over the issue of marriage. it's not that i don't like marriage or that i'm being forced to marry someone; it's just my onability to find someone. it has been my experience that many muslims ( not all ) have been too steeped in their culture when it comes to marriage and not the piety of a potential marriage partner. to some, i'd be a great husband for someone's daughter had i only been pakistani or egyptian. i am born and raised in the u.s. but my ethnicity is hispanic. therefore there aren't many hispanic muslims for me to consider for marriage. i am very attracted to women from the middle east or india and pakistan, but unfortunately i don't feel that i'm eligible to take any of these women as brides because i know how much culture plays a part in marriage for many of these people.

it's weird because i know that if i were to do things unislamically, i could easily find a wife. but that's the problem, i don't want to do things unislamically. while i'm in the masjid, i do feel true islamic brotherhood, but the line is drawn when i have interest in a ethnically different muslim. i have a good job, i'm respectful to all and i'm strong in my faith, but that hasn't been enough to gain approval from the women's parents.

do i think that these people are racists? no. i do feel however, that many have forgotten that islam comes before the culture of a people. it's terribly hard because my mom, who is not a muslim has no problem with me being with a woman of another race or culture and yet there are people that are muslims that have a problem with it.

i wish not to offend anyone, but it's something that i had to get out.

salaam

 

[KhalidalAsadullah]

:salam2:

I've had the same problem too (white, american). This time it was a Palestinian family who won't even let their daughter marry outside the orignial village in palestine! I think this Hadith http://www.spubs.com/sps/sbk/ (could not cut and paste the hadith for some reason) explains it. A day will not come unless it was worse than the one before it and the next is to be worse than today. So, I do believe it is racism and I think it should be expected in a time were you can also see members of the ummah drinking, selling drugs and alchohol, gambling, commiting zina and stealing. This is why we are weak now and I believe that the practice of not allowing inter racial marriage will only add to our weakness and we would raise a great generation if we got over the color of one anothers skin.

I am planning on making Hijra and marrying a saudi woman but we'll see how that works out Allahu Alim.

 

[shaz_1999]

I myself am a Guji and yes I know I am not a brother but this is my opinion from a sister

Anyway I have found that to do things the Islamic way it is best for both families to have a third person involved and nowadays people do not want to be the third party because they do want to be involved.

Sory guys I do want to mary out my culture simply because I have seen so many people do this and it has simply just put me off.

But saying this if my father came with a decent geezer and he approved and I liked it I wouldnt say no.

It is so hard to find someone it makes me crazy coz I cannot sleep thinking about it like when will I be married but as my family and friends say coz I drive them crazy with saying when you gona find me someone to marry it will happen only when Allah wills and it will happen with whom Allah wills.

I know its so hard but remember this is a test from Allah

 

[kayleigh]

The only time I've ever run into it was when a Muslim man here expressed an interest in marrying me. His parents were fine with it, but his brother actually said, "No Arab, no marriage."

I think it may be more of a problem felt by races/ethnicities that generally don't have a high Muslim population - hispanic, black, white, etc. But like someone already said - all this means is that the people who may have rejected you because of your race aren't the ones that Allah wants you to marry. It will happen only when Allah wills and it to happen.

 

[Doris]

Bismilah,

And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us
from our wives and our offspring
who will be the comfort of our eyes,
and make us leaders for the Pious" Qur'an 25:74-75

Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said, 'When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accept his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.' Tirmidhi, Nasa'i and Ibn Majah

Conditions for marriage:
1) religion and character- Not color, race, nationality, ignorant traditions ugly as shaytan himself.

Results:
"If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption." So much corruption and nakedness

Our Brothers and Sisters are human beings with physiological needs and not Angels created from light!

 

[BintMuhammad]

Assalamu alaikum,

It's really sad to know that it's very common among parents not to marry their daughters with someone from a different race but I agree with brother GlobalPeace, cultural differences can lead to divorce. But ofcourse Allaah swt knows best. Maybe it's not yet your qadar to get married. So don't worry, your day will come soon Insha Allaah just pray to Allaah swt to give you a good Muslimah. After all, it's not us who choose our wives/husbands, it's Allaah swt.

 

[Globalpeace]

Evaluate the Problem!

Asslamo Allaikum,

Mahsa'Allah I see posts from a lot of single/young Brothers/Sisters about the 'text-book' approach.

I am not denying everyone their right of opinion but let me illustrate an example...

A few months ago a Pakistani Brother told me about an Indian family that he had approached for marrying their daughter & they had refused & quoted me the Hadeeth of Rasul-ullah (Sallaho Alaihe Wassallam) & thought the Indian family was racist & Anti-Sunnah!....He was very adamant about it!

Here are the facts:

1) The Indian Sister is a PharmD (Doctor in Pharmacology), her dad is a Surgeon...They are a really nice close-knit family and Masha'Allah follow the basics of Islam.

2) Pakistani brother is a high-school drop-out with no job (he works somewhere for a bit & then quits) and his dad is a factory worker.

At no point did the Sister ever approach him or answer any of his approaches in a positive manner.

I know the Indian family but have never discussed the issue with them and don't know their reasons for refusing the proposal...but hypothetically!

I ask all of you to read 1 & 2 with a fair mind & judge it for yourself on external circusmtances! I think the Pakistani brother was being harsh with his labelling because I know the family & refuse to beleive that the family is either racist or Anti-Sunnah & I am very sure that the father knows about the Hadeeth!

I beleive that it is highly unfair to label the Indian family as racist or their actions as contradiction to Sunnah...As I said before no father wants to stand in the way of his daughter's happiness.

I know that it is an issue because I deal with it a lot; but I beleive many of the Brothers/Sisters here are being harsh and unfair!

I think we should have Husn Dhann (good prospect) towards Muslims.

The situation between many couples in US & UK is dire! People are scared and that is a fact!

It is also a fact that many mixed-race marriages particularly between Asians, Arabs and reverts in the 80's (when reverts started coming into Islam in large numbers) fell apart drastically with unbelievable consequences for the couples and children...a lot of these people are no longer on Islam!

Coming from a family which has White, black, Chinese, Afghan and trinidanian people who have married into it & having a daughter of my own...I will ABSOLUTELY evaluate a person before giving my daughter's hand to someone; off course she has a right to choose whosoever she wants; but I will have an input into the matter!

Color, creed, ethnicity, origin doesn't come into it; but I think I have the right to marry my daughter to a 'decent person'?

Looking around the Mosque/communities there are plenty of Practising Muslim brothers who I & Insha'Allah she would rather pass! & no offense to anyone and no harsh feelings!

Point is that the person should be evaluated based on sound facts and race should'nt come into it...And just because someone refuses a Brother or Sister it may not ONLY because of race or ONLY becuase the person is a revert (White, black, etc.)

Even after making myself clear with examples and facts; if there are some who choose to label myself as a racist, Anit-Sunnah or a bigot; then I leave their evaluation with Allah (SWT)!

Assalamu alaikum,

It's really sad to know that it's very common among parents not to marry their daughters with someone from a different race but I agree with brother GlobalPeace, cultural differences can lead to divorce. But ofcourse Allaah swt knows best. Maybe it's not yet your qadar to get married. So don't worry, your day will come soon Insha Allaah just pray to Allaah swt to give you a good Muslimah. After all, it's not us who choose our wives/husbands, it's Allaah swt.

 

[BintMuhammad]

Wa alaikumussalaam,

I don't know why you had to quote my post but if it's because you think I labeled you as a racist then you must have misunderstood. When I said "It's really sad to know that it's very common among parents not to marry their daughters with someone from a different race" I was not referring to you nor it had something to do with you. I just agreed to the fact that cultural differences can be a factor of divorce. I'm saying this based on what I have observed.

 

[Globalpeace]

No No No!

Asslamo Allaikum,

Sorry Sis,

That was an accident...I don't why I quoted your post...I know for sure that you don't think of me as a racist...

a bit weird maybe but not racist!

Wa alaikumussalaam,

I don't know why you had to quote my post but if it's because you think I labeled you as a racist then you must have misunderstood. When I said "It's really sad to know that it's very common among parents not to marry their daughters with someone from a different race" I was not referring to you nor it had something to do with you. I just agreed to the fact that cultural differences can be a factor of divorce. I'm saying this based on what I have observed.

 

[BintMuhammad]

Wa alaikumussalaam,

No problemo..


oh yeah weird?

 

[Wulf]

Chances?

You reckon you've got a problem.

Try waiting until you are my age with two failed marriages behind you.

To repeat myself, I do not see myself as a marriage prospect for anyone. And if I was? I may have some issues concerning trust.

I feel I may spend my life Chaste rather than Chased.

Sallam. Robin

 

[Basicofislam]

:salam2:
I was born out of a mixed marriage. And i have never seen love like my parents. I completely dont agree that if you marry outside your community or race it will be a bad thing. Rather the problem araises when people dont have the same goal and they get married. For a marriage to work. there are a lot of factors that are involved.

 

[asabr]

:salam2:
I was born out of a mixed marriage. And i have never seen love like my parents. I completely dont agree that if you marry outside your community or race it will be a bad thing. Rather the problem araises when people dont have the same goal and they get married. For a marriage to work. there are a lot of factors that are involved.

Allahu akbar
Asalam alaikum wr/wb
Someone1's getting there........Jazaki/a llah kheyr for ur reply. What a lame excuse for DIVORCES....race...soubhana allah...wal iyathou billah...I don't think any1 has the statistics from the government, be it UK or US to draw such conclusions. And if any1 had those stats that stated that, most divorces were due to racial differences, then it qualifies as a claim and not a fact - PERIOD. Our Ummah is very weak in religion and that's the most accurate explanation....If two people that fear Allah s.w.t and obey the prophet p.b.u.h get together, there's absolutely nothing and no1 other than Allah that can come between them. A good example is a chinese revert that use to live in the west, got married to an arabic guy who never advised her that he had 3 wives in sharjah....Upon arrival she found out...she was upset but she was a practicing sister since she reverted, and decided to stay...Now they live like sisters because they all fear Allah. Now this is an example of a scenario that is worse than just 2 pple in a marriage. A pakistani can marry a pakistani...or whatever...that doesn't help or guarantee the success of their marriage.....it will probably preserve the useless family trees that don't mean anything in Islam...and the practices of their fathers and grandfathers that are contrary to Islam in most cases....A true muslim's culture is ISLAM.
On the note of hijra....Some1 plz help.....moving from place to place doesn't mean u r doing hijra especially when you are not practicing the religion but use that as an excuse.... most reverts i have come across are willing to migrate truly for the sake of their religion anyway.
Last but not least, for the brother that started the thread...here is a hadith by our beloved prophet s.a.w
Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27:
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.
Remember Allah witnesses what you give up for his sake, inshallah u'll be rewarded for it in the hereafter....I pray for you, me and all muslims, may Allah guide us to siratal moustakim...amin
Wallahu a'aala wa'aalam
wasalam alaikum wr/wb

 

[almouchie]

salam brothers & sisters

religion islam is probably or at least for most praticing muslim, the main criteria
tehn comes many things, from culture to background, to educational level, to simmilar interests & goals in life.
you talk about different races, cultures, but truth be told they are very very different, its not easy to blend in.
there is nothing wrong with that, granted some people have that first on their minds.
where I come from, middles east, you dont see many people marrying of different race, color or culture, sure there are many arabs who marry from different countries, and that at times can be very hard.

I will speak for myself, I had/have a possible marriage partner from Saudi, he was non practicing & then repented & has become a God fearing muslim. the fact that to him its permissible to marry 4, means he has the intention to do so in the future.
As well as very uncomfortable family issues.

anyways for me this is something I am not welling to accept.
the culture plays a big difference, in the gulf men are way more likely to marry several women. you can call it whatever you want, but every sister & brother has a choice .
Its marriage afterall, you would hope to do it just once

 

[eemaan1]

:salam2:


i have read the posts and i will admit that some of you have valid points.

however might i mention the story of Baraka (ra)and Zaid ibn AlHaritha (ra)....

she was the Black ethiopian woman who raised the prophet (saw) and was in her fifties when he married her.

Race will only rear its (ugly) head only if you want it to. if two people discuss things before marriage and iron out some of the expected areas of concern there is no reason it shouldnt work! ofcourse only with Allah's grace at all times.

personaly i would prefer to marry a revert brother than a born muslim because
this person must have a strong will, strong faith amongst other things,to be a muslim! because lets face it its not easy to decide to be a muslim, its fraught with difficulties and hardships and this person has overcome them.

that would have a bigger consideration than what race or culture he's from....

wasalam

 

[hafz]

I think you would be surprised how open minded the pakistani community is about these aspects but people are fearful on grounds such a global muslim mentioned.I had a friend who married a new muslim , she had alot of problems with him and in the end he left her with three kids.
There have been three marriages within our family but three unhappy marriages.
I cant say whose fault it was because both will blame each other but cultural differences do have impact on the success of the marriage, which is what people are afraid of .I definately would not call it racism.

 

[Globalpeace]

Twisted!

Asslamo Allaikum,

I believe that my genuine comments and concerns have been twisted around to suit certain people's pre-conceived ideas.

I have NOT never explicitly or implictly implied that race, culture, ethnicity, educational or social background is above and beyond Islam; I have also never explicitly or implictly implied that mixed-race relationships are always bound to break down etc.

I think we should have Husn-Dhann towards our Muslims brothers/sisters and make excuses for them (if necssary) and where we fail to understand someone's point of view due to our lack of knowledge, experience and understanding we should not be hasty in condemning them...

That was neither the intention nor the intended outcome; I was simply trying to implore all to explore the problem from all angles...It is obvious that some people are incapable of looking beyond their initial bias and dissecting the problem in order to SOLVE the problem!

This is a classic case that when-ever there are people involved with multiple races, it is automatically assumed that it must be a 'race-issue'...Some people love playing the 'race card' all the time...Wake up Folks! Not everyone who is from a different race to you is a RACIST!

I leave all in the Care of Allah (SWT) for twisting my comments and suiting some preconceived ideas and bias!

Allah knows best!

P.S: I would however make two last points:

1) See the complete Hadeeth which has been incorrectly referred to here:

http://www.turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8672

2) See the following Hadeeth which has been constantly referred to in this thread without reproducing the text:

Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi #3090, Narrated Abu Hurairah, r.a.

Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said, 'When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage, accede to his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption.' [Tirmidhi, Nasa'i and Ibn Majah transmitted it.]

Why is everyone assuming that anyone practing Islam is also of good character? Self judging yourself is called arrogance!

P.P.S: I will not be contributing to this thread anymore as there is nothing to prove.

I hope that I have not hurt anyone's feelings & the ones who have hurt mine as previously stated, I leave you in the good and sound care of Allah (SWT).